SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband cheated on me and we split up. We got back together and ever since things were better...or so i thought. Discovered that weeks after we got back together he registered himself on a bunch of sex/hookup sites. Claims he didn't talk to anyone. Told me He found out sites were all spam so didnt. Couldn't find him sending any messages but the intent is there! Swore to me hes been good the rest of these 7 months i see nothing to prove he hasnt. I want to forgive but im struggling. Especially after wats now happened to today. For U see a man has Expressed interest in taking me out on a date. I dont find him attractive. I dont want him but part of me would just like the attention and validation of being taken out on a date. Hes far from ugly just not my type but its The ego boost of a conventionally attractive man finding me desirable. Seeing value in me. Would it be so wrong? I wouldn't sleep with him or even kiss him. I just want to feel valued after my self esteem has been decimated. I'd feel we were finally even and maybe i could give the counseling hes booked a real chance.

You would be using this man that has expressed interest in you to feel better about yourself and even the score with you H.

Is using somebody for your own gains going to make you feel good?

Is going on a date while you're married going to make you feel good about yourself?

That seems terribly unfair to the other man.

Does he know you are married?

Yes, it's wrong, but you already knew that.

If you want to date, get divorced.

It isn't wrong to want vengeance. It's a normal part of moral emotions swirling around you now (read Cheating in a Nutshell for more information). What would be wrong is actually carrying out that desire. Don't do it. Acknowledge the feeling, don't push it away. Now examine it in more detail. Really think about it. Really try to imagine in your mind the long-term outcomes. Spool the movie out in your mind. Slow down. Use your imagination. Go to the logical limit of what will happen. Think carefully. If you're being honest, truly intellectually and emotionally honest, you will see all of the harms spooling out in front of you. This is a form of empathy. Most betrayed spouses have elevated empathic abilities, in my view, especially in contrast to waywards, which is PRECISELY why we never cheated. Use your empathy.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:57 PM, Friday, September 24th]

Listen, I actually had sex with a stranger on DDay, something like 2 hours after I found out what my XWH had been up to. It did not help. Hear me on that. It. Did. Not. Help. Nothing you do with another man is going to get vengeance, fix this pain, make you feel better, etc and so on. If it did, I would start a betrayed spouse dating site myself and consider it a public service.

It won't help.

It would be using this man who asked you out, and that's just not nice.

It will not erase what your WH did or make him a better person.

It will not help you feel sexier or better. We can ALL find some rando to have sex with or flirt with us or throw us a compliment. That's not an accomplishment. Nothing your WH did was any kind of accomplishment either.

Your problem is the person you're married to. Focus on what's actually wrong.

If affairs didn't feel good, no one would engage in them.

Yes it feels nice to be validated, hit on, complimented, treated well.

That external validation will not help your internal "self-esteem" issues.

Having an RA, even just a date, isn't going to make you "even". And if it does in any way make you even, it's by bringing you DOWN to his level.

Don’t lower yourself to his level. If you want to date D him first, an RA will not help you heal, only cause more damage.

Why stoop to their level? Keep your morals intact. Don't be them.

Wanting vengeance is not wrong, I hope, 'cause I sure did. alas, there's no way you can hurt your H the way he hurt you.

Wanting to feel attractive and wanted is not wrong. It's actually wayward thinking - you're in pain, and you're looking for someone else to make you feel OK. That doesn't work. The feeling that you are OK can come only from inside your self. You need to decide for yourself that you're attractive, that you're worth being with, and not so incidentally that you're better off alone than with someone you don't value.

Enjoy fantasy revenge. Create a fantasy in which some hot, wealthy guy beats your H up, pays for your D, and you live happily ever after while your XH pines away for you. Just don't do anything to take revenge ... it almost definitely won't work out.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:14 PM, Saturday, September 25th]

Does this guy know you’re married? If so I would be asking myself why validation from a man who would date a married woman would mean anything to me at all. I personally would write him off as trash.

..is it so wrong???

The kind of revenge I wanted involved killing the man I thought was my friend. The day I confronted him in his fancy lawyers office, I told him..'if I had a gun I would have killed him.' That was in 1987.
Fortunately, I resisted following my urge to end his life, thereby avoiding a long prison term.

Fast forward to 2009, when I learned their betrayal had gone on for, not 2 years but 18 years, since before we even got married.
I wanted to find him and murder him all over again.

Looked for him on Google... surprise, surprise... his obituary pops up on a Toronto newspaper. Died from a brain tumor April 18, 2006. Strangely, it was exactly that very day I learned of his death.

Let the Lord do his work!

smy

Yes, it's wrong for multiple reasons.

First of all, you're looking for kibbles exactly the same way a cheater does. Why would you want to train yourself to feel better from external reasons rather than focusing on healing internally? The only person who can really make you feel good self esteem is yourself. If you go looking for it elsewhere, you set yourself up for emotional issues down the road.

And yes, using another person like that isn't OK.

If you need to be a cheater to try and fix your marriage, that's a pretty clear sign you should just end things.

He might also use it against you or try to minimize his own mistakes/choices by throwing yours up in your face.

My husband wanted me to do it. I think because it would him feel better about what he did. It would feel nice to get revenge, but don't give him the satisfaction of lowering yourself to his level.

I think you know the answer, and everyone is spot on:

1. You would be using this guy for fun, and it's not fair to him
2. If this guy knows you're married and asked you out anyway, he's scum
3. Do it and you'll be your WH

It's normal to want validation. To want to feel needed, wanted and appreciated. But a revenge affair or simple date is not the way to get it.

I agree that if you need to cheat to get validation from your spouse, it's time to have the D talk.

You wouldn’t be getting revenge. If anything, your husband might secretly happy about it because he would feel like if you were capable of cheating, too, then what he did wasn’t so bad. He would also feel less inclined to do the work into repairing the marriage because, as you said, the score would be settled.

The only way to truly "get even" with your husband is to make him feel the full weight of consequences for his actions… by leaving him and moving on with your life. Only then might he realize everything he came up just to get some strange on the side.

I think we all understand the idea of wanting to get back at WS's. I also think we all want to feel validated, wanted, attractive and it may not be coming from our WS. That doesn't mean go out and get someone else involved, even if minimally.

If this person knows you're married and is trying to take you on a date, then they are no better than your WS. If you allow it to happen neither are you.

If you are seriously considering this, do what EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HERE would have wanted our cheating spouses to do instead of cheating - file for divorce and end it. It's the right thing to do.

So, just take the fact that the man asked you out as a complement, as the validation that you feel that you need. Thank him for the offer, tell him you're married, and move on.

However, I'm with the rest who posted here. Going on a date with the man would be the wrong choice. Don't stoop to the level of your WH!

You mentioned that you're struggling to forgive him. Focus on that, why are you struggling? It may be that you aren't sure if you can trust him again. Him signing up for hookup sites definitely works against your trust. I'll tell you one thing though, your husband ought to be the one asking you out on dates and telling you that he finds you attractive, he ought to be the one that's doing all he can to validate you. If he's truly repentant, if he seriously wants R, then he needs to show it by his actions, and he needs to keep from doing anything else questionable.

My wife had another affair 15 years ago that lasted about 3 months. After DDay1, she actually suggested I go out and find someone to have sex with "so we can be even". I didn't even need to process that, I answered immediately with, "No! I don't want that!" I've always been faithful to her, because I know it would be hard living with myself it I wasn't.
*(DDay 2 was months ago. Her current affair is ongoing, which is why I'm on this forum. I'd be shocked if she tried to suggest the same thing again, because she knows I'd just say 'No' again.)