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Newest Member: Definedbygrace

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed

Topic is Sleeping.
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:03 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Unfortunately, you can not change her or force her to become a safe life partner (only she can do that). All you can do is exit the relationship to protect yourself from further infidelity.

Continue to distance yourself. There are no short cuts but in time your mood swings get more manageable and less intrusive. You will find happiness again.

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8702554
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 5:01 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

I know what I need to do. But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife. The person I thought was my forever.


She will wrap in someone else. Your replacement(s) will suffer the same fate as you - betrayal. She will neve be content. She will always chase a shiny new toy because once it/he is caught she will lose interest and search for a new man to chase.

So she is unable to keep my requests going because there isn’t a "guarantee" I’ll stay in this marriage and I’ve mentioned divorce. I’ve explained obviously there is always a chance at divorce. But you are giving up on the second chance.


She does not want a second chance. She wants your compliance. You are her possession and your purpose is to be her safety net and provider while she chases her fantasies with other men. You can make your list of requirements as long or as short as you like. It is too much effort for her to adhere to any demands and easier to replace you. She will stall and delay until her next suitor has given a firm commitment to her. You shouldn't continue to waste more time and effort on her as life is very short.

posts: 167   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8702596
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

She’s now at a stage where "giving this a real shot" is doing marriage counseling.

I agree the marriage isn’t what needs fixing. She is the one. But "she cant handle living in that kind of environment"


Your marriage didn't cheat... she did. She's the one which needs repair. Unless she's willing to commit to making real and lasting changes in the way she interacts with her own values system and in her world view, nothing would have changed. She'd still be the same person who casually betrayed you. Staying in a situation like that isn't a marriage. It's a hostage situation.

Unfortunately, there are some cheaters who don't want to change. Maybe they've got personality disorders. Maybe they're just childish and selfish. Doesn't really matter. As they are, they are unhealthy people and there's nothing you can do to MAKE someone else choose a better way. It's sad and it's okay for you to feel how you feel about it. But I think you're doing the right thing. Right now, you just don't have anything to work with. She has to change.

And maybe she will. It happens. Sometimes, the WS finally grasps the truth of the situation and when they do, they finally 'get it'. This might be unlikely for someone like your WW, whose behavior is incredibly childish, selfish, and stubborn. But it's possible. I think your best bet is to keep applying D pressure and see what happens. Either she'll finally get it, or you'll be that much closer to your freedom.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5459   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8702615
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:08 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Yes she will be with someone else. And do exactly what she is doing to you to the next victim etc.

It’s something you just have to accept. She treats people as if they are disposable.

How sad!

When the anger phase hits you may not feel the same way. You may be glad you are out from under this toxic relationship.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11905   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702640
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

If she’s not willing to do the work to figure out what was broken in her to make her cheat and become a safe partner and help you heal then she’ll never be a good partner for you again.

Without doing that work she’d end up cheating again anyway so best to be on a path out of her life (except as coparent unfortunately) and have the ability to find a partner who will have mutual respect with you going forward.

You’re doing the right thing.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3397   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8702649
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Browsing41 ( new member #72237) posted at 1:24 AM on Sunday, December 5th, 2021

Ark,

Her betrayal was so deep so much more than the average affair. And any type of affair is bad enough. If this woman loved you she would be on hands and knees begging forgiveness.

Long story short her attitude is to sweep this under the rug and if not, divorce sounds like a good plan.

What is she really thinking taking off her wedding ring. Maybe deep down she wants out but just doesn't want to be the one that files because of family and friends. Either that or she could be just trying to manipulate you. Knowing this will bother you and thinking you will break and call off the divorce.

Bottom line is that you really have no choice but to divorce this woman. She is giving you absolutely nothing to work with.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2019
id 8702664
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:17 PM on Sunday, December 5th, 2021

You say you are done. That is perfectly understandable and acceptable. Look at it this way, there are some marriages where one spouse is fighting the other on everything. Sort of a Cold War. Whatever the husband wants, the wife wants something else and won’t give. Those marriages are hard even without infidelity.

Here your wife, having committed a crime against the marriage, is going with her default. Fighting you. Guilting you. Not giving on doing what is needed. She will go to marriage counseling looking to be validated. "There, you see. If only…then…"

You are on the right path. Keep moving.

posts: 1128   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8702701
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:02 AM on Tuesday, December 7th, 2021

it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife


Whoa, hold your horse! You are looking at this the wrong way! She should be worried that YOU end up with a better person than her!


So she is unable to keep my requests going because there isn’t a "guarantee" I’ll stay in this marriage and I’ve mentioned divorce. I’ve explained obviously there is always a chance at divorce. But you are giving up on the second chance.


The very fact that she is 'unable' to keep your requests going, is that she is still in Wayward thinking. Waywards want the control over the relationship, and she is thinking that you will follow her wherever she wants to go. That you will be so scared of losing her that you will do what she wants.

Why would anyone want to follow a person of low morals? If she were even slightly remorseful, she would be so happy that you even considered R. She would have been bending over backwards to accede to your requests, just to maintain a chance at R.

At the moment, you have a WS that is still living in her uniocorn-land. She still thinks that you should worship the ground she walks on. That is no basis for a successful R, and you realise this.

As long as she still thinks that you will chase her, she will never 'get it', which would never lead to any kind of successful R.

Until she changes her thinking, it is best that you do not even think about R, but just plot your path out of Infidelity.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 977   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8702883
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 Ark04l (original poster member #79489) posted at 12:04 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

What’s up, y’all just an update!

I have since filed since we all last spoke. I honestly can’t stand to be around my "wife". We are till separated until it’s all finalized. Lawyer wanted us to wait until the 1st so we could file taxes together.

Despite my constant reassuring my "wife" we are getting a divorce. She still is in the denial phase. And has been trying to guilt me and get me to stay. As I am "choosing divorce" when I don’t have too she says "you are ending our family. Despite my mistakes"

I’m not falling for any of it. After the New Years she has came home twice unexpectedly. Yesterday to try to cover me for a hug and kiss. Then try to do "family time" with our daughters. After constantly telling her no, she left. Then tonight she came home at like 3 in the morning. Begged me to come into the other room to talk. I kept saying no. I was tired from being up with the baby. So she sent me a screenshot of my social media account. She actually got logged in some how. And screenshotted a pic of a girl sending me a picture of herself Exposed. Funny thing is, my buddy put out information months back about what happened to me. And she reached out to send me that to "take my mind off of everything" but I never engaged. So I’m sure this will be used in her narcissistic tactics.

Honestly, I’ve never been more ready for something to be over. This relationship is extremely toxic thanks to her. Funny to think months back, I absolutely adored my wife. And now I see her for what she truly is. A manipulative narcissistic cheater.

Ready for a new start. Regardless of the shit storm ahead

posts: 51   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8707110
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:43 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

(((Ark)))
Ask your attorney if you can add a lock to your room, while she still can still come into the home, you still should have a space place to be away from her, and this middle of the night shit needs to stop.
She obviously thought it would be the easiest time to manipulate you.

I am glad that you have decided to move forward and protect yourself and the kids. They need a calm healthy parent.

Good luck on your path forward.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19256   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8707118
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 Ark04l (original poster member #79489) posted at 6:49 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Thank you I will

posts: 51   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8707158
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Excellent.

As I am "choosing divorce" when I don’t have too she says "you are ending our family. Despite my mistakes"

Actually, you aren't choosing divorce, she has left you no other choice. I would suggest D in any case, because the way she cheated deserves it to the fullest. But it seemed like you would have preferred to R if she had made the right moves. But she didn't make a single right move from the beginning, showed who she is and left you no choice.

Change your passwords, locks and have VAR on you.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8707161
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 8:24 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Her cheating was especially grotesque. Her present attitude is almost as bad. She didn't give a squat if you were the biological father of your baby. She even joked about it with the AP. I would remind her of that fact and how she showed absolutely no regard for you. A true monster. Stay strong and I wish you the best in your new life away from her.

posts: 625   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8707176
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 10:34 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

So she sent me a screenshot of my social media account. She actually got logged in some how.

She may have guessed your password but it's also likely one of your 'friends' on social media (and is not really your friend) took the screen shot and forwarded it to her.

She is toxic (e.g., the love bombing, trying to make you feel guilty, ...) that's why you need to distance yourself.

Next time, remember that one of the most powerful responses is to just say nothing. Why? because it's a declaration of power/control - and independence from her.

BTW: are you carrying a VAR at all times?

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8707210
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Despite my constant reassuring my "wife" we are getting a divorce. She still is in the denial phase. And has been trying to guilt me and get me to stay. As I am "choosing divorce" when I don’t have too she says "you are ending our family. Despite my mistakes"

I’m not falling for any of it.

Good. I'm glad you're seeing through that because NONE of it is true. She didn't make "mistakes". She made CHOICES, hundreds, if not thousands of DELIBERATE CHOICES. And even then, you gave her MONTHS to pull her head out of her hindquarters and start working on herself. She refused, still wrapped up 100% in herself. SHE is the one who tossed a hand grenade into your family dynamic when she chose to cheat. Hell, it took a DNA test to determine who all is IN your family because she cheated throughout pregnancy. So, she can continue to whine and act the victim, but NONE of it is true.

Good on you. I know it's going to suck getting through this next part, but I do believe that someday in the not too distant future, you're going to be happy in your life again.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5459   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8707227
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jinkazama ( member #61319) posted at 7:46 PM on Monday, January 10th, 2022

Hi

Any updates?

How are you doing now?

I hope you have started detaching from her.

posts: 267   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2017
id 8708895
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paboy ( member #59482) posted at 6:31 AM on Saturday, February 5th, 2022

It has been a while since you last posted. Hopefully things are improving for you.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8713998
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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 4:44 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Let’s get serious, Any one who starts an affair knows if there SO finds out. There marriage is blown up. It can never be the same, if they divorce. Good chance, or stay together. It’s going to be different. She made that choice to put her marriage on the line, for some loving from AF who will sleep with a marriage person.
She rolled the dice and lost. No one can tell you how to feel. No one can tell you you forgive like nothing happen. It’s your life. You have to live it. If you have no good feelings for your WW. Then divorced is the answer for you.

posts: 61   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8714477
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 Ark04l (original poster member #79489) posted at 7:02 AM on Tuesday, February 8th, 2022

Hey, y’all!

I’m hanging in there. Divorce is slow. There are so many cases right now that it’s taking sometime to have our first hearing in a few weeks.

Of course she is no longer wanting to go with the same lawyer. And is wanting half of everything. I’ll end up having to pay child support, and whatever else.

Starting from zero seems like what’s about to happen for me. Which is so extremely frustrating. Knowing I did nothing wrong, yet the system is still punishing me.

Hopefully this all goes by quickly and I can get back to trying to live my life again!

posts: 51   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8714644
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 6:24 PM on Tuesday, February 8th, 2022

From what you have written here, I would highly expect your WW to make this divorce contentious. Not much that you can really do about that. I would double check with your lawyer, and see if there is any information that you have that could be used as a bargaining chip at the table.

You're damn right about about the injustice. The best way to look at it is the sooner that you divorce, the sooner a life without her drama starts. She'll always be tied by the children, but the alimony will eventually stop. Remember---her lifestyle changes also. And if you get a little satisfaction when she pisses and moans about her troubles, then so be it. wink

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4015   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8714735
Topic is Sleeping.
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