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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
Wife has been having an 11 month affair, advice needed


ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:12 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

At this point we are staying separated. And might try file D for right when the test ends for tax purposes. But she knows where I stand. I’ll file with or without her If she gives me shit.

FWIW, I don't think you're making a bad decision. Your WW's texts to you were very childish. Her self-pity was inappropriate under the circumstances. I mean, I get being hormonal after a baby.. that's definitely a thing. But for her to vocalize expectations regarding sympathy from you, that seems to be a very clear way to tell that she's NOT engaged with how serious her transgressions against you were.

What I'm a little concerned about is that you appear to be trying to do some kind of self-mediated divorce whereby you both agree to terms and use the same lawyer to get it through the court system. And yeah, that can save you money, but your WW keeps proving to you over and over again that she lacks maturity. You've said you're having trouble bonding with the baby, but how do you know she won't use that against you later to limit your parenting time? If you have your eight year old half the time, but only see the baby rarely, you've set a precedent for not parenting the baby. And if you're both trying to use the same lawyer, the one you have is unlikely to be prepping you for what you need to have already established by the time your WW figures out you're serious, lawyers up, and comes at you for full custody, child, and spousal support. I think maybe you should consider interviewing another attorney, or if you really like this one, having a one on one consultation.

It's possible that your WW might turn it around and become a solid candidate for R. It's equally possible that even if she does, you will no longer care. All you can do though is deal with the person in front of you NOW, and for right now, I think you'd do well to be cautious and be prepared for her to become adversarial.

IC was ok. The therapist told her she had some red flags. But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Please mind your therapists advice on that from here on out. Try to imagine anything that might leave your mouth being read back to you by the family court stenographer. Typically, judges don't care about who's right and who's wrong. Their orders are mostly formulaic, and your then pregnant WW was clearly guilty of adultery. But still, you never know who will be presiding or what their biases might be. Better to be safe than sorry.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:15 PM, Thursday, November 18th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8699132

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Have you researched Personality Disorders? Might not be anything but you need to do it. Sometimes when we have no idea why a person behaves the way they do is because they are the product of their childhoods. Personality Disorders are permanent, just like eye color.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3108   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8699145

Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 1:03 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

Hi Ark04l,

I just wanted to say that when reading your WW’s text messages, I see a whole lot of "Me’s and I’d". She really doesn’t get it. Oh, and the hormonal thing…..give me a break.

You made a comment about her looking up who you were calling. Excellent thing to pick up on. She spends time and effort doing this, but little to no effort on working on trying to fix the damage she has done.

I asked my WW if she felt she put in the effort to fix our mess. She said she thought she had. I asked her if our relationship was important to her. She said it was the MOST important thing.

I then asked her to compare how much effort she put into planning her BFF’s baby shower vs dealing with her multiple A’s, TT, gaslighting, etc. I could actually see the lightbulb go off over her head. She had spent 10x the effort and time on her BFF’s baby shower than on us. I get it. Planning a baby shower is way more fun than dealing with the A’s and resulting damage, but I spent a ton of time working on things and felt how little effort she put in was completely disrespectful to me.

posts: 731   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8699168

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:04 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

It broke my heart to read your poor daughters comment.

As you move forward I am reminded of old song from Camelot. As to your daughter, "love her, simply love her, merely love her, love her, love her, love her." And you will be ok and so will she.

Strength to you my friend. A year from now at age 31 you will have so many women flocking around you will have to beat them away with a stick. Your evil ex will be a semi painful memory, and she will fade slowly into the distance, sort of like a person that won’t go away, but after a while your armor will protect you.

Since she apparently has the IQ of a gnat, expect for now for all kinds of stupid and juvenile attempts to demonize you. That will eventually stop once she realizes you are not gonna bend.

One word of caution. Much as you hope she will live in a cave, grubbing about for roots and bugs, she will find some sucker in jig time and pretend she is sooooo happy. She will say, meet my best friend. See it for more stupid shit. She may find another guy, but every time she sits down she will still be sitting on her cheating highly used ass. Never forget that. Any guy she hooks up with will prolly have the standards of a mouth breathing 3x divorced total loser. I think a grain silo night watchman type, whose idea of a good time is going to a tractor pull. She can stay home and watch dancing with the stars.

Ok. I’m projecting a bit. But don’t be surprised at anything at this point. Live well, and watch her grind her teeth. She will secretly hate herself forever. And that will be your revenge, as you stock your closet with honest, decent, moral and loving babes, who hang on your every word. Ok. Still projecting. You get the idea.

Now for your new daughter, she is going to need all the help she can get. It’s gonna be hard for you, but you need to love her the way you would care for an abandoned kitten. This may be hard at first, but do it with all your might, heart and soul. You are all she is ever gonna have as a father, and since your wife is a moron you will have to work that much harder. But this will be so rewarding in the end.

And last, do you ever wonder how you ended up with a self absorbed near idiot as a spouse? Whatever personal traits she has must be avoided in future relationships. Do that, and you will never have to worry about another soulless succubus in your life.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:19 AM, Friday, November 19th]

posts: 1096   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8699180

faithfulman ( member #66002) posted at 4:23 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

IC was ok.


The therapist told her she had some red flags.

She "has some red flags"? Yes. The same way Bill Gates "has some money".

But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

And here comes false equivalency!

I urge you not to feel bad for expressing your anger, even though it may not be "right", you are a human, not Jesus Christ.

The main reason for you to hold your tongue is because you don't want your words to be held against you in court.

Don't fall for the false equivalency. NOTHING YOU HAVE SAID has come to even a millionth of what she did to you.

But be smart and keep your cool to protect yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:17 AM, Friday, November 19th]

posts: 893   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8699183

Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:59 AM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

IC was ok. The therapist told her she had some red flags. But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Beware. A lot of these people are morons. Next comes why did you make her cheat? rolleyes

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8699188

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:05 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

What was the discusssion/context for "stop calling her names"?

Did the therapist explain where the name calling is coming from? Including what her betrayal did to you. That she destroyed your marriage, your wife, as well as your trust in her (and it will take years for her to rebuild trust)?

posts: 2485   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8699230

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 2:20 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

But also reminded me not to cuss or call her names anymore.

Good IC or not, this advice is sound. For several reasons, it will benefit you to use restraint in the verbal tirades. As a matter of fact, I would keep conversations to an absolute minimum with her. There is NO BENEFIT in engaging with her at this time.

2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699232

KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 4:06 PM on Monday, November 22nd, 2021

"I have been trying! My god. I have tried to do everything so perfect. I’m hormonal and I haven’t felt your love in months… I just had a baby. Literally just had a baby. I’m stilll trying to feel "normal" again and going through a lot Hormonally. Your mind is made up. It’s been made up. I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow"

Well.. That's certainly confusing. Exactly HOW is she claiming she "tried" anything? Yes, she just had a baby. A baby that you had good reason to believe was fathered by someone else. You had to have a DNA test to discover this, because of her actions. Another person was in your marriage for 11 months and they had sexual relations until just a few weeks before you discovered what was going on. How is this something she's tried to fix? I'd hate to see her line of reasoning about denying actively sabotaging your marriage-- I think my brain would explode from confusion.

Now, me, I'm always curious when I see an affair go on this long with one partner being a victim of betrayal in a really grievous, rub-your-nose in it kind of way, like, sad to say, you are. I'm sorry, I'm not being harsh, more like obvious-- some things are hard to forgive. In this situation, what does having a healthy marriage even mean to the offending partner any more? Do you ever talk about it? What is her definition of healthy marriage? Should a healthy marriage include 11 months of adultery from time to time, is that it? Now I do think almost anything short of murder might be forgiven, possibly.. but 11 months? That means for sure she was having sex with another man way before she was pregnant and "hormonal".. she did what she did because she chose to. She wasn't hormonal back then, he doesn't own a mystical penis that hypnotized her, it wasn't a mistake, a phase, or her working out being lonely. She didn't trip and fall on his boner repeatedly. It was a decision. A really terrible decision for the future of your marriage and family. She casually destroyed both of those by her actions, and now she just feels victimized by the whole thing. Like, how DARE you be annoyed that someone's been cheating on you for almost a YEAR! Just man up and "work things out"! I notice she says she loves you in that last sentence. Did her actions feel like love to you?

I can sense your frustration with this response. Did you even give much in the way of false hope?

You have this figured out already, so I won't harp on the obvious, but this isn't remotely her being sorry she hurt you and her family. This is her being sorry she was caught red handed and now the fun times are over. Note that her texts don't even acknowledge the pain and destruction her actions put you and your family through. You are definitely on the right track now.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 4:26 PM, Monday, November 22nd]

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 777   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8699635

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 2:46 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Hey, y’all

Sorry I’ve been quite. I’ve just stopped looking at my phone lately, it’s not very healthy for me.

We are separated right now. Rotating who stays home with the girls. I was trying to give it a bit more time so we could file jointly on taxes. But also to give my brain time away from her to truly accept what’s going to happen.

I know what I need to do. But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife. The person I thought was my forever.

Anyways, I hope you all are well. I’m hanging in there the best I can!

posts: 48   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8699779

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:08 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Yes, it's a normal feeling. Most of us had it before we reached indifference. And you know what? IT'S TEMPORARY! When you get some distance from her and process the end of the marriage, you really won't care what she's up to.

You're still new to the process so give yourself a break. Your heart isn't going to get there at the drop of hat even if your mind knows that this is the way forward for you. It will catch up.

posts: 5078   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8699783

gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 3:09 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife.

So sorry Ark. This woman simply doesn’t love you, and has absolutely zero respect for you. She’s going to do whatever the hell she wants to do, with whomever she wants to do it with, regardless of you or what you want. No doubt that hurts like hell but the separation was absolutely the right move to put you on the road to healing. Each day it will suck just a bit less (even if microscopically less for a while).

Try your best to stay NC (no contact) with her for all things except strictly the kids. Even at that, try your best to keep it in the written domain, like super short texts or emails.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8699784

Legend10 ( new member #79407) posted at 3:35 PM on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2021

I know what I need to do. But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife. The person I thought was my forever.

I'm currently living it Ark! 10 weeks post DDay she tells my son she's got a new boyfriend, 11 weeks post DDay she's introduced him in person. Feels like someone else is now living my old life and I'm having to start a new one! Very odd feeling and unnerving at the same time.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8699790

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 9:46 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021


Filing for divorce hopefully within the next week. Telling my daughter (8 year old) after Christmas is over.

We’ve still been separated. She still wants to go to marriage counseling. Thinks it’s the saving grace. However, won’t do the work I’ve asked her to do.

Worried about loosing all my Finacial stuff, and child support. But I know over time it will get better.

Pray for me y’all

posts: 48   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8702480

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 10:25 PM on Friday, December 3rd, 2021


I'm certainly praying for you.

Please do not beat yourself up. If her affair is a dealbreaker, then you have to divorce. If it is not a dealbreaker contingent upon her doing the work to understand why she did what she did and how she can prevent it in the future and she rejects that path, then you have to divorce. Once you file, she needs to understand that you're doing this because she failed to show actual remorse and do all the things you needed to heal and rebuild your marriage.

Marriage counseling is NOT the solution. Your marriage did not cause this affair. Her broken set of morals and values combined with extraordinarily poor choices (not mistakes) caused the affair. She needs to go to IC with someone that specializes in infidelity. This isn't a quick fix. It will likely take years of hard work and given her immature responses to date, I don't think she's up to it.

Please take care of yourself. God speed.

posts: 237   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8702488

Reddirtman ( new member #77340) posted at 4:26 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021


You have been heavy on my mind of late. Sending out prayers of support and strength to you during the holidays. Lean on your support group, and don’t get discouraged.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2021   ·   location: OK
id 8702533

 Ark04l (original poster new member #79489) posted at 5:10 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

She’s now at a stage where "giving this a real shot" is doing marriage counseling.

I agree the marriage isn’t what needs fixing. She is the one. But "she cant handle living in that kind of environment"

I’ve asked her to:
-read books (that’s being controlling according to her)

-take notes over the books

-track her phone.

-prevent any and all social media.

-Change her number (already done)

-cut all contact (already done)

-check in with me when she goes places.

-not argue with me, not blame shift or gaslight. (That was the biggest struggle for her).

I couldn’t hang out with my friends without her giving me shit about "being out every weekend". When I’m only with them to not be alone. Because she would be with our girls. Mind you she was fucking another guy for almost a year. Hotels, truck, parking lots, etc.

So she is unable to keep my requests going because there isn’t a "guarantee" I’ll stay in this marriage and I’ve mentioned divorce. I’ve explained obviously there is always a chance at divorce. But you are giving up on the second chance.

So anyway. That’s where I am. Going to file, I can’t keep doing this. I had a panic attack tonight seeing her going to diner with a friend without wearing her ring. Since divorce is Going to happen, she isnt wearing a ring anymore (just like when she was fucking him. It gave me ptsd and I broke down.


posts: 48   ·   registered: Oct. 16th, 2021
id 8702538

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:14 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

Wow! Just wow!! She’s just not even willing to try to make amends. She has no remorse. She blames you for her crazy behavior.

I don’t think you have any other choice but to D. You have nothing to work with.

How very sad. She is a real prize 🤪(sarcasm)

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11149   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702541

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 10:32 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

The things you are going through are sad. But frankly, I would have worried for you if you had decided to R, now I think you made the right decision.
She can't even show fake gratitude for a gift R she doesn't deserve. It would be waste of time.
Move on and try to live your best life and to be best father to your daughters.

posts: 620   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8702546

sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 11:34 AM on Saturday, December 4th, 2021

I can feel the devastating pain in your posts Ark. Your poor children!

Have you researched Personality Disorders? Might not be anything but you need to do it. Sometimes when we have no idea why a person behaves the way they do is because they are the product of their childhoods. Personality Disorders are permanent, just like eye color.

This ^^^
I believe whilst not an excuse for her horrendous behaviour, knowing her full family history might give you some explanation as to why she's the way she is. It's very very sad for you and your children but there does appear to be evidence in your posts of a very strong narcissistic/sociopathic streak in your WW and the best way to deal with one of those types is to run!

But do any of you have or had trouble with knowing that once you leave. Your ex spouse will be with someone else? It kills me to think about that. Even though she’s already done it, it seriously kills me to know she could be wrapped up in someone else, some guy will have my wife.

Frankly no! I think you need to look into this statement and your feelings behind it. I can't say it resonates in any way with my own feelings following discovery but then maybe I'm an outlier. 'Some guy will have your wife'...yeah just imagine, the poor bastard!

Anyway sending you very best wishes during this incredibly traumatic and sad time for you all. There will be an end to it one day and you will find love and happiness again. You're a good man Ark!

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8702552
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