You have every right to feel anger, even rage, after the way you, your love, and your trust have been abused.
What I think is adding frustration to that anger is your wife’s total refusal to acknowledge that anything she did was bad or wrong; or that what she is seeing and hearing now are the direct results of the pain and trauma that she inflicted on you; and that coupled with these refusals, she is also insulting your intelligence with crude attempts at psychological manipulation.
I totally understand why that text gives you problems, and here is why:
This is the last I’m speaking on this, i hope
Translation: I refuse you your right to your pain, and it had better stop now.
bc I’m so ready to focus on YOUR healing. That’s what is most important!!!
Translation: My priority is to divert focus away from myself and my actions, and the huge amount of issues I have I have not even begun to address, and put it entirely on you, thereby making you the problem to be solved.
I need you to stop with the psychological abuse.
Translation: I am not prepared to deal with the perfectly justified pain, anger, and emotional damage I caused you, which are the natural consequences of my actions, and so I will turn you into the abuser in this situation and play the victim.
Note: victim blaming is the oldest trick in the scoundrel’s handbook
It may seem so minuscule to you compared to what I’ve done. I get that.
Translation: What you do is only miniscule in your perception – notice the extremely significant IT MAY SEEM and TO YOU that she slipped in, turning it into a matter of opinion rather than fact, and to suggest that she does not share that opinion – but I am a psychology student, so I understand the dysfunction in your thought processes that has led you to that erroneous conclusion.
I get you want to hurt me SO badly
Translation: Being an astute and knowledgeable student of psychology – total failure of recent studies notwithstanding – I am choosing to interpret the verbal manifestation of the pain and damage I caused you as deliberate, vindictive malice on your part, which allows me to (1) not address the pain I created that drives your words, and (2) play the victim of your totally unreasonable and undeserved verbal assaults.
I get you want to hurt me SO badly & since you can’t get away with physical assault, psychological abuse is all you got.
Translation: My highly selective and self-serving psychological insight, which does not acknowledge or recognize your pain, leads me to undermine and denigrate your emotions by suggesting your only motivation is to inflict hurt, because that is who you are, and that it is only the fear of legal consequences has prevented you from physically beating me, because I know you are the kind of guy who would like to beat women.
Not for one second will I agree that I deserve to be called the following names that you are trying to force me into agreeing with..
slut, whore, monster, psychopath, cunt, evil, cruella de evil, narcissist, $2 whore, the devil, the worst mother, Ted bundee evil, sociopath.
Translation: Despite the force I am being subjected to by you, the perpetrator, I do not acknowledge that anything I have done merits harsh criticism, nor will I accept any from you. Nor will I use basic common sense – let alone psychological insight – to accept that you have the right to be angry, to vent, and that such raw, powerful anger is likely to manifest itself in raw, powerful language, much the same way as we might use choice language in reaction to dropping a brick on our foot. You may be upset as a result of your troubled and confused thought processes, but do not take your problems out on me. As if I could ever be accused of doing a bad thing.
I take those names serious and very personal esp coming from someone I love. If you looked up the definition to each of those I do not fit the description.
Translation: While I am prepared to treat my husband and children with the utmost disrespect and betrayal for prolonged periods of time, I will not tolerate any of the same treatment being meted out to me. I dish out abuse, I do not take it. I have searched the dictionary, and I cannot find a word that is entirely appropriate for a person who has done what I did. And never forget that whatever I did was done because I love you.
I was alot of other things during that affair & I’ve owned those. But you can’t go around saying I am things I’m not then give me an ultimatum that I either admit it or not talk to you…
Translation: I will admit to only what I choose to admit to, and I do not need or want your input because it contradicts my image of myself. Your opinions about me do not matter, and I will not consider whether any of them have any basis in the reality of my actions. You have no right to judge me, no matter what I have done.
I am so so so sorry and remorseful for what I’ve done.
Translation: I want you to believe that I am sorry for my actions, rather than because I got caught, and I hope you can understand that it is my remorse that causes me to undermine, denigrate, and deny you every emotion that you are feeling.
I’m a fucking mess over this
Translation: My life is a F*cking mess as a result of my actions. Please feel sorry for me. I do.
…but you are actually psychologically abusing me. & I’m bringing it to your attention before it’s too late and divorce is our only option.
Translation: I am the one suffering here, being deliberately victimised by you. I am making a very thinly veiled threat that if you keep trying to hold me accountable for my actions it will result in divorce, so be warned!
I cant help heal you if I’m broken too
Translation: I do not accept that I was already very badly broken to be able to have an affair throughout my pregnancy, but I will blame you for attempting to break me now by holding me accountable for my actions. I further suggest that by doing so, you are actively damaging the marriage and your own recovery.
…and our goal is solely on healing you so we can start rebuilding what I freaking destroyed (I pray)
Translation: Let me reiterate that the only person with problems in the marriage is you, not me, and that you are the person who needs to be fixed, not me, nor any of the faults within me that enabled me to ‘freaking destroy’ the marriage and family. So will you please just shut up, let me off the hook, and start getting better?
Then she went on to text about all the things we can still have.. like going to Disney world with the new baby. Buying a new house and watching her run down the halls. Taking our oldest daughter to graduation together… all that. And how "worth it" it will all be if we stay together.
Pathetically crude psychological manipulation, which you rightly understand as her attempt to put the blame entirely on you if you do not accept what she did to you, thereby preventing her rose-tinted visions of playing happy family from happening.
It is a tragic shame that the same visions did not prevent her from having her affair, isn’t it? I guess she had other things on mind, not your happiness, nor your children’s futures. That is okay though, because she wants to put that responsibility on your shoulders now. Basically, what she is saying is, "Eat the shit sandwich I have presented you with, or you are being cruel to our children".
She’s one Hell of a gal (with an emphasis on Hell).
Your response was perfect, and it is a relief that you are not buying into the warped inversion of reality that she is trying to peddle.
I also believe, as others here do, that she is being coached, because her message reads more like a press-release than that comes from the heart of a genuinely remorseful person who has accepted responsibility for what they did. There is also the possibility, as others have said, that she is actively trying to provoke you into angry responses that would suit her to use in evidence against you. I urge you to stop responding to anything more like this from her, no matter how much you want to. She is very, very devious, and not overburdened by conscience or scruples, and she may well be trying to trap you using your own words.
For example, if you respond by email to a list of names she says you have called her by saying, "You deserved to be called every one of those", she has got herself a written confession from you to what her lawyer would say is verbal abuse. Be very, very careful on this score, and do not put anything more in writing like that. Provoking you may be a defense tactic, so do not rise to the bait. Notice how she minimizes what she did, and maximizes what you do? It's an ideal way to provoke you.
So in future, if you receive anything like this from her again - suspicious that it came out of the blue, isn't it? - why not use this response, and say nothing more: "I know exactly what you are doing, and I am not playing your game. In future, please limit these messages to the safety and well-being of our children, which is my number one priority". She will not like that, but if she emails/messages again, repeat those words and nothing more. If she emails/messages again, do not reply at all. Let her know that she is not half as clever as she thinks she is, and do not step into any more traps that she has laid.
Given your wife’s supposed interest in the subject of psychology, she ought to submit to testing to see if she is a sociopath or a psychopath, because her ability to conduct her eleven month affair and come home acting like nothing was going on, as well as to cheat throughout a pregnancy, suggest that she has a very flexible or non-existent relationship with her conscience.
This is the full list of questions from an online sociopath test. See how many traits you recognize in your wife (even if she would deny them all):
Do you repeatedly lie to or trick others for your own gain or pleasure?
Do you act impulsively?
Do you fail to plan ahead?
Do you consistently fail to fulfill work obligations?
Do you consistently fail to fulfill financial obligations?
Have you ever engaged in criminal behavior?
Do you find yourself unable to empathize with others dealing with difficult situations?
If you hurt someone else’s feelings, do you lack remorse or guilt?
Are you aggressive?
Do you engage in unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others?
Do you consider yourself superior to others?
Do you use charm or wit to manipulate others for your own benefit?
I can see eight of those categories that she would score highly in. And I bet you that if you ask her to do some real tests, with a qualified psychologist, she will refuse.
[This message edited by M1965 at 8:03 PM, Thursday, October 21st]