SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently discovered WH’s 7 month affair and am trying to understand some things as I move forward.
There’s a lot of talk about the "affair fog" Is this just a cop out, and an excuse to get the cheating spouse off the hook for their behavior? How much of this should BS be patient with and try to be understanding of? It sounds like bull@&%$ to me. I’ve read a lot of articles but I would like to hear it from real people who have lived through it.
If some of you can share your experiences with your affair fog and how long it lasted, i would appreciate it.
Thank you

  Moving to General

I use 'fog' as a shorthand way of saying, 'the WS willingly gave up their connection to reality.' It's absolutely NOT an excuse; again, I use it to save keystrokes.

Some BSes see it as an excuse, and there's no excuse. Some WSes and some new BSes who are only beginning to take in being betrayed use it as an excuse, and that's bullshit, as you suspect.

My suggestion is to look at the context it's used in. If it reads/sounds like an excuse, ignore or confront it; if it's used as shorthand, fill in the complete meaning.

Looking back with hindsight my WW was in a fog. She had told herself so many lies to justify her A’s that she started believing them. On Dday she tried those lies on me and it came out as blame shifting, minimizing, the standard wayward bullshit. The other part of the fog is the chemical high, they have to detox from. It took my WW 2 months and a 180 to clear the fog.

I’m not making excuses for the WS but they didn’t get there over night and they won’t likely emerge overnight. My W looks back at all of it with true disgust.

I use 'fog' as a shorthand way of saying, 'the WS willingly gave up their connection to reality.' It's absolutely NOT an excuse; again, I use it to save keystrokes.

Looking back with hindsight my WW was in a fog. She had told herself so many lies to justify her A’s that she started believing them. On Dday she tried those lies on me and it came out as blame shifting, minimizing, the standard wayward bullshit.

^^Agree with both of those descriptions

The fog for my WH was his embracing of the narrative he created to justify why he felt entitled to seek out what he convinced himself he "deserved". For a long while after DDay, though he had immediately committed to R, he was still very much in denial about how serious an issue this was, and what a long haul we were in for.

At first he approached R through his blame shifting lens. I was devastated and in shock, and allowed the "unmet needs" crap to be the focus. (Oh, how I wish I had found SI back then!) Even when I began to push back and call bullshit on the blame shifting, it was still months before he started to get it. And it was a long time after that before I really felt that he looked past his defensiveness and was ready to begin the work of examining his actions and the destruction he caused.

Oh, how I wish I had found SI back then!

Absolutely.

If they ever invent time travel, I’m wrecking some shit!!!

If they ever invent time travel, I’m wrecking some shit!!!

The fog is real.

They are doing mental gymnastics and the fog is the natural result of the brain not wanting to believe they are the bad guy.

Could all use it for shorthand for Full of Guano...

Double post

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:44 PM, Saturday, October 30th]

Personally, PERSONALLY,

I myself would not tolerate ANY Remanence of "Affair Fog" after DD.

Affair Fog isn't when the WS checks out of reality. To me, Affair Fog is when they check into a new reality that revolves around another person.

I would not tolerate this after D-Day. Not for one second.

If the profound gobsmacking shock, awe and drama of D-Day doesn't tear asunder "The Fog"...than something is critically wrong. Then I believe you have completely lost your WS. If a WS allows themselves to wonder that far astray, to the point where they're in a unretractable fog, a fog that doesn't break even after your WS witnesses, personally experiences your heartbreak and utter destruction than...

FUCK THAT SHIT. I don't want to have anything ever again to do with that person. I don't care how remorseful they are down the road. I'd be done. DONE!

When you marry someone, there should be NO OTHER, EVER. If you allow someone else to fog your brain so completely, to the point of having literally inhuman disregard for your betrothed, even after witnessing the horrific consequences of your actions on your loved ones, than F-You forever.

I don't subscribe to the temporary insanity plea and I'm not going to play exorcist.

I say, if they're still in the fog, after D-Day, leave them there and then methodically clean them out while they're disabled in "The Fog".

That's just me. To each their own.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:59 PM, Sunday, October 31st]

There’s a lot of talk about the "affair fog" Is this just a cop out, and an excuse to get the cheating spouse off the hook for their behavior?

Yes and no. Yes I believe it is a cop out for far too many wayward spouses, a crutch to lean on much like an overreliance on FOO issues to explain shitty adult behavior. That said, there is an element of "fogginess" with most waywards. I think it is better to look at it through the frame of a deeply flawed worldview in general and an insufficient toolkit for adulting. I think this gets expressed in adulterous behavior as a "fog."

If a wayward is willing to closely examine and deconstruct their deeply flawed worldview and deficient life philosophy and undergo a wholesale process of metanoia that enables an improved worldview, then we can probably provide some grace for a "fog." If they aren’t willing to do this work, then I think our patience should be extremely truncated.

So I would be less understanding or patient in my view. Weeks, not months. Actions, not words. And significant and long lasting commitment to change in a very bog way. In fact don’t be patient at all. The approach should be one of indifference, more like "you had best figure this out and soon, I’m not here to help you, and you’ve got a lot to prove. Better get to work lickety-damn split."

[This message edited by Thumos at 8:09 PM, Sunday, October 31st]

I needed an umbrella term not to excuse him but to label the sheer lunacy of his thought process and mannerisms, almost like naming a new personality trait that is purely WS because some of the things he believes is insane... but he is 100% of sound mind so it’s not insanity so I needed a new term for it, if that makes sense.

I do not and will not see it as an excuse, the shit he did and said is all on him. I agree with others, you need to read/hear the context to determine if a wayward is using it as a scapegoat and if they are squash it because the ownership is on them and their choices made from their sound mind, "fog" is not mind control.

Edit: as for longevity it’s still ongoing and in hindsight has been for years , he is still protecting APs “dignity” and still wants “what we had back” even though we only had that happy marriage because I was gaslighted and kept in the dark while he was cheating... crazy talk but it doesn’t matter because I’ve started the D process.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 10:37 PM, Sunday, October 31st]

Posted on wrong post.

[This message edited by Felix12306 at 3:34 AM, Monday, November 1st]

If you look up limerence, you might find the info about the brain chemicals involved. My XH was in a fog until about 4 months after d-day. He finally realized AP didn't have his best interest at heart and fed him a bunch of lies to feed his ego and was out to just get sex.

The fog is so much horseshit. Nothing more than an excuse that some waywards and betrayed latch onto.

^^^^ they knew what they were doing.

I've never even heard about this "fog" before. Being from outside the USA I have to say I've been learning a lot here. On my personal case I have to say that my (ex-wife now) tried so much to pretend she didn't know anything, that all she did was without any intention, trying to put all the blame on my interpretation of the facts. In the beggining I have to admit that it shook me but then I started to see more and more clearly. The facts were crystal clear. She treated me like shit for months while she was having a physical and emotional affair. Like many others said on this forum before, I also believe that this "fog" is just another strategy to play the victim or to buy some time. They know really well what they're doing and who they're doing it to. Maybe they can't see the consequences (or don't care while they're in love with others) but that's another story.

I guess it's really up to us - the betrayed - to draw the limits. Without fear. We deserve peace and respect.

The fog is real. I lived it for 6 months as my H was in the fence about what he wanted. One day he wanted a D and the next it was R.

After 6 months I toppled him by telling him he was free to go (now) and I was D him.

Suddenly he had "clarity" and no longer wanted a D.

I certainly didn’t make R easy for him. Because then I was on the fence (thanks to him).

Personally i don't think the fog is real.

Fog is a natural unstoppable force that hinders ones view.

Nothing about their affair was unstoppable or unseen. They knew exactly what they were doing, the path laid out before them and the consequences of being caught, thus why they use the maximum effort not to be caught and hide it at all costs.

Again for ME fence sitting is just buying time to figure out how to have their cake and eat it too.

Cheating is just a selfish act, by a selfish adult who wants to best of both worlds. IMO.

I think it's real. I've seen cases of infatuation run amok in people who aren't cheating. They're high on dopamine and bonding hormones, and they alienate friends and family in favor of a new partner who can do no wrong in their eyes. It can take months or even years before it wears off to a point where they see the new partner and/or their life circumstances realistically.

However, just because fog is an empirical phenomenon doesn't make it an excuse. Bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of the root cause. Anyone who claims "it's not my fault because I couldn't help myself" needs to get back to the work of owning their shit.