SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Beagle... you're at the start of a long row to hoe. It's going to be rough.
Right now you're still in the numb and disbelief phase. It's hard to believe how so much can happen so fast that affects our lives in such big ways.

You're at the start of the "emotional rollercoaster". Moods can shift (and usually do) from disbelief to anger to depression to anxiety to a feeling of worthlessness, jealousy, hate, grief, uncontrollable crying and gushes of love, sometimes these come in rapid succession. It's one hell of a ride.

You have gotten amazing advice on this thread from some very seasoned individuals who know so much about cheater behavior that you wouldn't believe it. All cheaters have what seems like a common play book. They become almost predictable. BS response has a playbook as well. Left to our own devices our immediate response (due to the immense disadvantage of weakness, numbness, pain and hope) we can make some VERY bad early decisions. The worst: jumping right in and starting with excuses or seeking reasons of why it happened that involves other than the cheater and then thinking oh well it's over, lets rugsweep.

Some of the advice is geared toward end game. You're not ready for that kind of decision yet. Some go D, they know, over, done, move on.
Others aren't inclined to end things on the spot. They have conflicting reasons. It takes them a while to decide.

When an R situation is on the table it's generally advised to be non committal for at least months. Six months is soon enough to decide what this M is going to be from here on, if there is going to be one. It allows the worst of the first waves of emotions and pain to subside and it's easier to see the real landscape, the spousal response and their attempts at fixing themselves. Be careful: she's pushing this stuff where you have to change. Hey, you're not perfect. The changes you have to make are tiny if not zero, the changes she has to make are gargantuan. She was out there risking insemination by another man with a one year old. That's really down the trail.

Take your time, take care of yourself and protect yourself (accounts, etc) in the event it goes D. You first, then your kids, and her in the far far distance back there somewhere.

This is up to you, no one else. Believe this: you are not in the life you used to be and won't be in that life the way you were, ever.
Expect her to be lying, minimizing and blame shifting. The more defensive they are, the more there is to hide. Expect it.

Please don't rush, you don't have to. Please take care of you. Please read about the 180. Understand it. On this site there's plenty on the 180. A search for 180 infidelity on the internet will get you plenty more from all over. It's the best treatment for these cheaters. They either are pushed back into reality or they leave the marriage. When they leave, they should, for they're no longer in it enough to care about it.

Good Luck. We're with you. We have ALL lived some version of the hell you are now going through. So many of us wish we had started here.

I have some supports from a couple close friends and brother.

Don’t hide your WW affairs and behaviour. Think about what YOU need to get through this. Take whatever help you need from those who want to help you.

If this had had happened to your brother, you would help him?

She is a serial cheater,you've just found out, and she is telling YOU to change?

Early days after discovery Beagle, there's squirrels running around in her head right now, but this reaction from your wife is just

The alarming 'switch' you've seen in her personality makes me wonder as other posters have if she's mentally ill. Reckless behaviour like her's, not good.

Have you given any thought into a DNA test for your youngest? Her screwing another man a year after his birth, I think warrants this. Never an easy step for a father though.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 10:53 PM, Saturday, November 6th]

She feels as though I didn’t care about her feelings or hear her feelings and she was angry with me. She also said she liked the attention. It’s all very concerning. I have two young kids. She said she is willing to change and work on herself but also told me there are things I need to change.

Blame shifting bullshit. Typical cheater fare.

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

ChamomileTea hit the nail on the head. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused your WW to compromise her values and principles. Accept no blameshifting. Trying to blame you is easier than accepting responsibility for her own actions. If you are even willing to consider granting her the grace of R, nothing will happen unless she accepts full responsibility for her own decisions. You are not a perfect spouse. Neither is she. But you did not cheat. Sorry you are going through this.

Good luck.

Hi friend,

I know these days are shocking. Here’s a few things to make sure you do and don’t do:

1.) Don’t scream and shout even if it would feel good. Don’t do anything that might be considered violent. Turn on a voice activated recorder that backs up to a cloud service that she can’t access. This is about protecting yourself. (If legal in your state)

2.) Take a snapshot of your finances. Make sure you have copies of bank statements and account log in info.

3.) Make sure you know where important papers are and that you have either the originals (like license, birth certificate and social security cards) or copies (like for taxes). If you can, keep these in a safe place.

4.) Through the pain, no matter how hard, focus on your kids without saying one bad word about their mom. If you have to, then take some time away from the house to work on your feelings.

5.) In the next couple days or ASAP, get yourself into a lawyers office to know your options.

6.) work through the anger in a constructive way, like working out.

7.) find a therapist. It takes awhile, so start with weights and running or walking even until you’re so tired you pass out.

8.). No booze, no drugs, nothing stupid. Everything you do now can be in front of a court that could sever your rights to your kids.

This is often a time of huge emotional shifts, and you will have a problem knowing what you want to do or how to get there.

I say the above because you have no idea what you’re dealing with. It could be remorse. It could be an exit. It could be being sorry to hurt you, but planning on ending the relationship anyway, just for another reason.

Simply put, no one knows if she can change, and you obviously have just found out you didn’t know all of who she is. You also don’t know what you will want later. She may change. It is possible.

But right now you need to be safe first.

One more time just to be clear: you are dealing with a serial cheater.

Serial cheaters aren't fixable.

Get an attorney, get a VAR, separate finances. Do it now.

Yes, you are in danger. We can't say this enough. Please listen. Please act.

How are you doing, Beagle?

Please check in when you can.