SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here is my story. I learned that my wife had an affair which started in the summer of 2020 and ended of February of 2021. Back story here. I noticed a new guy on her Facebook page commenting a lot on her posts and asked who he was. She said he was a friend from HS. Then in October I saw that she had screen shot a text from me and circled a comment in red. I asked her what that was and why she did that and she said she was going to show it to me because it upset her and made her feel rushed. Fast forward to February 2021 I see a bunch of messages on her iPad from him and he made a comment about him holding his coffee and keeping his fingers warm and said that will have to do until we can cuddle. I immediately confronted my wife and asked if she was seeing him. She adamantly denied this and I asked her to cease all contact and supposedly she did. I questioned her several times after that about their relationship and she said he was just a HS friend and nothing more. I suspected she was lying to me. She elected that she could have friends etc which is true .

Fast forward to last Tuesday : I am on our computer looking through old pics while our cleaning lady was cleaning our home. I see several graphic nude images of my wife and screen images she must have screen shotted. Talking about sex , birth control. He said come and fu$& me. She asked if he ever used a toy etc. you get the point. Images of breast’s , self digital penetration etc. I was floored. Then I saw one of the messages and he said it’s going to be hard to behave on Monday. I immediately confronted my wife and she then admitted they were sexting. I asked what he meant by Monday. At first she said she didn’t know and then said they met for lunch once. I asked if their was sexual contact and she said no. I was floored

Fast forward to the Saturday after Tuesday and I asked her for her phone and told her I was going to request all her Facebook messages which I did. I asked if I was going to learn anything new. She began to cry and said there was another guy she used to work with that she was messaging for a couple weeks. There was only one appropriate conversation about porn.

So here I am. Feeling hurt and destroyed. My world is upside down. She states she wants to work through this. We saw a MC yesterday but I don’t think I’m ready. Seeing a IC tomorrow. Just wanted to share.

I feel like I was gaslighted, manipulated and lied to over a year. I list all trust and respect for her. We have young kids as well. It really is hard.

Hi OP, sorry you're here man.

Do you have kids?

Is the other man married or have a girlfriend? Find out, and if yes, you should consider contacting them to get them working on shutting down this affair, too. And there will be another set of eyes watching them.

Don't sugar coat this, she's having an affair. At the very least emotional, good chance it's been physical, too. STD test for you both before you have sex again... think about using condoms with her... she could be fucking some rando, look after your health.

Demand no contact with this man (men?). You have no chance of reconciliation if they're still talking, seeing each other. Is she committed to reconciliation and to cutting all contact?

Individual counselling for her, will be a waste of time with marriage counselling right now if the affair is still going on.

Courage mate. Hang on to your hat, it's going to be a rocky ride for a while.

He isn’t married amd I don’t know if he has a girlfriend. Wife denied sex but I don’t believe a thing g she says. I demanded an std test and she is going tomorrow

I for one think there is a lot more that she isn't telling you. So far if I am reading right, there are 2 other guys (maybe even more) she was inappropriately messaging with, and I would be astounded if she wasn't physical with at least one of them, maybe even more than one of them.

Meanwhile why would you see a marriage counselor? It was not you nor the marriage that allowed her to step outside her vows, it was herself.

Expose expose expose! D should very much be on the table and your WW's family should be aware of what is happening.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:24 PM, Thursday, November 4th]

There were two total that I know of.

Tell her a polygraph is a requirement for you to even consider reconciliation.

The chances of an affair not being physical, when distance isn't a problem is very rare.

Men don't enter into affairs to sext. They're in it for the sex.

Do not share this site with her.

You can take her phone,and down load software that can bring up old texts.

I'm sorry that you had to find us but glad you did. Your WW is now a proven cheater and liar, I can almost guarantee you this is the tip of the iceberg, they've been in touch for a long time, you caught them sexting and POSOM is local, so this likely a PA already, she was already talking to yet another guy about porn so she may be a SERIAL CHEATER. Do not offer R upfront, you first need to know as much as possible about the situation, so here's a few of the basics:

1) Full EXPOSURE, expose them with all family and close friends and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, without warning (very important), exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspects of an A and replaces them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates teh A, the more she will have POSOM (s). Make sure you include both sets of parents (if alive).

2) She needs to send an NC FOREVER letter/text to both OMs, one that you approve and watch her hit "send", short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes), then block them everywhere including social media, emails, etc.

3)She needs to offer full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords and also enable GPS tracking on her phone, no questions asked. Don't buy the typical "it's my privacy" bullshit, in a M there should not be such a thing, once you tie the not it becomes "our privacy" instead.

4) She needs to write a detailed written timeline of the A(s), make her read it out loud to you and tell her she would be subject to a polygraph, that this is her chance to come clean and that you will record her, that prevents her from changing her story later.

5) Demand she gets tested for STDs/STIs, you should too, they've already met, some STDs/STIs could be transmitted via saliva (kissing), even if she denies it, the walk of shame to the doctor's office helps with remorse and helps to drive home her huge betrayal.

6) She needs to go to IC with someone who specializes in infidelity to find out her "whys", forget MC for now, at this point it's typically a waste of time and money.

8) Consult a D attorney to know your options, while you're at it, ask about an enforceable postnuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again or at some point you decide this is/was a dealbreaker for you (no alimony, she doesn't touch your retirement).

If she refuses any of the above just file for D and have her served, you can always stop if she comes around and you decide to give her the gift of R, or NOT ! but either way you will be that much further ahead in your path out of infidelity. Others will chime in with more advice, keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've literally "seen it" THOUSANDS of times here, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a similar script.

I think you're spot on with IC before MC. The last thing you need right now is some well-meaning MC validating any of your WW's wrong thinking. ie. She's allowed to have friends. Maybe, but now we see what she does with them, right? MC's will typically go along because they're looking for right and wrong on both sides. Nothing about infidelity though makes you the wrong one. The MC treats the marriage. But marriages don't cheat. People do. So, I think you're on the right track here.

The other thing is that WS's can't be trusted to tell the truth this close to dday. Maybe you'll R, maybe you'll D. Maybe she's already honest, maybe she isn't. This close to dday it's very typical for WS's to trickle out the truth and to lie outright. They're often feeling immense pressure to save the status quo which is reeling out of their control. It usually takes some time for the WS to understand that they can't control the outcome. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that your WW has to be lying. Not at all. Sometimes cheaters do draw the line at actual sex. But.. there's motive, means, and opportunity here. I think it would be interesting to see how your WW reacts to the prospect of a polygraph test. If that's something you can afford and could schedule in your location, it might be a way to get an accurate accounting. If you do decide to go that route, I would follow through with it, even if you get "the parking lot confession". Care should also be taken to make sure that no cheats can be done before the test. We saw a situation not too long ago where a WW was caught bragging to her friends about beating a polygraph using anti-anxiety medication. Polygraphs CAN be beaten, so bear that in mind.

She is probably still lying and minimizing. That's just the way things go. It's called trickle truth. I'm sure you'll hear more about that too.

It's too early for MC. You have done nothing wrong. She has cheated on you. MC will tend to play the "unmet needs" fallacy game and have you doing the pick-me dance.

You don't want to go down that path, trust me. Get everything sorted first to get a full account from your WW as others have advised you to, and in the mean time make yourself your top priority.

Try to eat and drink healthy. Get some exercise. Talk to your best friends about your problems. Don't bury it and hide it (also known as rugsweeping around here).

Sending strength.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:16 AM, Friday, November 5th]

Yes, polygraph can be beaten. That's why you should make one of the questions, "have you taken any measures, pharmaceutical,or otherwise, in order to control the outcome of this test."

What is your wife doing to rectify this horrible situation?

How is she making amends or doing what she can to repair the damage?

I have access to all communications/ devices. No contact with the two guys. She is going for IC. To be honest I don’t even know if I want to even try a d work this out. The trickle truth has been torture for me. If I didn’t have two young kids I’d be gone already.

1. In addition to the advice you have received already…

Tell her that she has one opportunity— just one!— to tell you about any affairs that she has had before and after marrying you. You can ask her to write a timeline but the main things you want to know are at this stage are:

-Who

-When did it start and when did it end

-Was it physical (includes any sex acts, kissing or foreplay)

-Virtual (sexting, online, phone, etc)

Emphasize to her that if she is willing to give you the full truth, you may be willing to reconcile… but if you discover any new information on your own (whether it is tomorrow or 10 years from now) you will immediately file for divorce.

Many cheaters use the line "I don’t remember" (it’s a lie 99% of the time), but if she gives you any variation of that line, tell her that whether or not she remembers is irrelevant. If she did it and didn’t tell you about, she’s gone.

2. Don’t have sex with her until you have made up your mind about whether you are even willing to consider reconciliation. It’s common for betrayed spouses to want to reclaim what is theirs (ie, hysterical bonding) but you need to get checked for STDs. It’s also common for cheating wives to use sex to cloud their husbands’ judgment and weaken their resolve.

3. Don’t telegraph your moves in advance. For example, if this guy ends up having a girlfriend and you want to tell her about the affair, don’t tell your wife so she can warn him. If you want to search her phone or her computer, just do it when she’s not around or ask to see it immediately.

4. Do not make any demands or threats that you’re not 100% willing to follow through on. If you say, "If you have any contact with thus man, I’m going to put all your clothes in bags on the porch," you need to mean it. Otherwise, you are just setting yourself up to be repeatedly abused and tested for how far she can push you before you break.

5. Resist the urge to become an infidelity recovery expert who has to school her in helping you heal. If she wants to save the marriage, she will find the books to read on Amazon, find SI on her own, and make the effort to learn what she needs to do to fix this. She made this mess, she fixes it.

6. Resist the urge to become the infidelity police. You will drive yourself insane trying to figure out all the ways she could be taking her affair underground and trying to catch her. Using software on her phone or computer to recover deleted information in the initial aftermath of DDay is fine, but you have better uses for your time and emotional energy (such as your kids!) than being the GPS for your wife’s vagina. To go back to point 5, if she wants to win your trust back, she will move Heaven and Earth to figure out how to achieve that. If you find yourself regularly anxious about where she is and who she talking to, then you need ask yourself honestly if this relationship is acceptable to you and whether you can live like this indefinitely.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:17 AM, Friday, November 5th]

I like Bluer's list above except for #5. If you think R might be possible for you to offer her, I think it is actually wise to consider steering her to a few of the tried and true books on healing after infidelity that are routinely recommended on this site. Yes, she needs to take initiative and show consistent, authentic effort for R to work. But there are a lot of poor resources out there that could easily steer her in a mediocre or downright bad direction too. You don't need to hold her hand completely but recommending good resources is not onerous and then you wait and see what she does with them.

Also, there are lots of bad counselors out there too. If you want to offer R, she should be seeing a counselor with lots of infidelity experience and one that believes the Wayward Spouse is accountable for their A and that the marriage pre-affair is not the cause of the affair.

Of course if you choose D, that doesn't matter as much. But some of it may help keep a relationship that will make co-parenting easier post D too.

Please don’t make any decisions about Divorce or Reconciliation right now. It is an emotionally charged time and you may not be thinking clearly.

I say this b/c I too was planning to D my H. I even told him I was D him. And I meant it - it was not a threat.

But somehow he was able to convince me to R. Not by his words but by his actions. Was it Easy? No! We had setbacks and ups and downs. But he wasn’t lying and cheating and he was proving to be a man of his word.

Second, it’s often not the affair that kills a marriage but the behavior after the affair comes to light that is the larger issue. The continued cheating/contact or denials or trickling of the truth or info — all can be more detrimental than the affair.

You will get great support here at SI.

Wishing the best for you.

Yes she's entitled to have friends, but not after the 'friendship' has been romanticized/sexualized.
IMO that text crossed the line and the consequence is that all contact should end.

With respect to texting, studies show it triggers the same portion of the brain as face to face contact and creates a false sense of familiarity. The attention she got from texting triggers the same parts of the brain as drugs and is also addictive.

Therefore, what initially she sees as harmless texting can quickly escalate to face to face (and sex).

In the case of OM1 it already escalated to lunch. Make no mistake the OM's motive to meet a married woman is to have sex (not to be friends).

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's behavior failed big time.

It's not just the extramarital sex that destroys a marriage but also the destruction of trust. And it takes years to rebuild trust. Even if she can prove there was no sex (and under the circumstances,the burden of proof is 100% on her) your trust is broken.

Unfortunately, based on her behavior she is now a deceitful person and you can't accept her explanation or promises.

Inform her that the text and luncheon is characteristic of an affair. Therefore, if she can't prove otherwise, you will assume there was sex and act accordingly.

You're in shock and need time to calm down before making a life changing decision. Consider informing her that you need at least 90 days to decide whether to R or D; and in the interim she can use that time to prove she deserves a second chance.

Your WW is getting an STD test which is good, but you should get one too just to be safe. Is there any way to verify what your WW tells you?

Hi, Beagle, welcome to SI.

Keep in mind that cheaters lie...every.single.one.of.them. I pretty much can guarantee your wife is no different. So many of us here heard it was just sexting, a kiss, blah, blah, blah, only to find out there was full on sex. More than likely your wife is having a physical affair, especially if this guy lives in close proximity to your home.

There's always more to the story, always.

Right now take care of you, IC, exercise, no alcohol, lean on a TRUSTED family member or friend. Meet with your MD if you are having trouble coping or sleeping.

Aside from having an affair, we are in the middle of a pandemic and your wife put your entire family at risk.

Healing from infidelity is a marathon, not a sprint, hang on tight, it's an emotional roller coaster from hell, that's why you need to have as much support as possible. Temporary medications if necessary, most of us here have taken something to navigate this trauma.

One day at a time.

Concerning a polygraph, they can be beaten but here are several steps you can take to safeguard against this:

Don't tell your wife about any of this!!

Talk to your attorney as to who he recommends. Even if you are in a no fault state, you can get this for your peace of mind. And the lawyer will have contacts.

Prepare the questions with the aid of the administrator of test. This is no time to save money.

Set the date. Make it one that your wife would normally be free.

On that date, pick your wife up. Only at this point do you tell her what is going on. Failure on her part is an automatic deal-breaker.

Once informed, she cannot leave your sight. YOU hold her purse as that's where she could have meds.

Play everything black and white. She either plays by YOUR rules. No debate.

Be prepared for a parking lot confession but still go through with the test