SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, do ad Thumos instructed. Take out half of your checking,half of your savings, and open your own account. Redirect your paycheck to that account.

She is trying to take your attention off of her current affair by admitting the others.

My guess is, he has a wife,or girlfriend. Investigate this man and see. You really can't trust anything she says about him.

I’m taking she said her behaviors were wrong amd she is ashamed of what she did. I had no clue about all of these affairs. Totally off guard. I like to think that she didn’t have to tell me about them. I only knew about two

That being said I have a lot at stake. She feels as though I didn’t care about her feelings or hear her feelings and she was angry with me. She also said she liked the attention. It’s all very concerning. I have two young kids. She said she is willing to change and work on herself but also told me there are things I need to change.
I can agree that there were issues with our marriage but I don’t think the appropriate response is to have multiple affairs with multiple men. Putting me and my kids at risk.

Important principle she needs to understand and agree to:

Pre-A marriage quality responsibility is split between spouses.

Cause of the A lies entirely, 100%, with the Wayward spouse.

Having an A is not the way to fix problems. You did not push her into an A. The flaw is in herself fully. If she accepts that, you can accept that neither of you were perfect spouses pre-A.

If she doesn't eventually get on board with that she will not be R worthy.

Hi Friend,

Sorry you’re here. Let me break this down logically for you why you should get a few consultations with different lawyers now.

When a person discovers affairs, serial affairs, then what they’re trying to accept is that they can’t trust the person they used to trust implicitly.

Marriage and most relationships are about trust. If you were in business with a partner then you hopefully trust your partner not to run off with the money and to do their half of the work. That’s conditional or limited trust. Marriage takes more trust than that. It takes trust for child rearing, finances, life goals and safety.

You now know some ugly truths. That unconditional trust is gone (and unconditional trust is likely unhealthy anyway). What you need to assess is how far that conditional trust is gone too.

The rose colored glasses got knocked off and now you have to look at the person in front of you - the real person.

And the decisions you have to make should be made with that knowledge - the knowledge of who she is with this new facet thrown in.

People that cheat are doing something exceedingly dishonest at your expense. Serial cheaters have somehow rationalized getting their "needs" for attention, validation and unearned adoration met by others while using their partner for the "hard" or "serious" stuff, like shared finances, schedules and child rearing. They’ve rationalized putting their own needs for their feelings ahead of yours.

Say a partner comes to you and says "I’m really not feeling this relationship right now and I’d like to get attention from other people and have wild illicit sex with them. But, I don’t want you to do that because I really want you around for the hard stuff and I fear you’ll leave me if you start getting better sex and attention from someone else. So, I want to do this because I need it in my life, but I don’t want you to do it so I can keep you for the important parts. Also, I want to do this without protection or Std testing of my partners and risk our sex life, but I don’t want you to do that to me."

That’s cheating in a nutshell. Would you make that deal? Probably not, so hence the lying.

People that are dishonest in this manner may be dishonest in other areas - like money, like property, like custody, like false charges, like lying to friends and family… you get the picture.

That’s why you get a consult with a lawyer. You need to know worst and best cases for custody and financials in your area. A local lawyer will know that. You also need to know common traps and how to avoid them. Finally, you also need to know if there are dangers being married longer if a relapse to this happens or you wish to divorce later.

You are dealing with an unknown future and a traumatic event just happened. A lawyer is a guide on the pitfalls of paths you could take on this journey out of infidelity.

You are also dealing with someone that’s lost romance or love for you and has devalued you to this point. It’s not a good idea to charge blindly ahead without advice on which path has which pitfalls.

A call to a lawyer is the first step. And I suggest you make at least three to get good consultations and a general idea of what it will look like if it happens. You can also feel out who you might be comfortable with if it does go forward. Also, look to see what the commonality is between the three or so lawyers you talk to. If they all give the same pitch on certain topics then it’s a pretty good bet that it’s something to pay attention to.

Best of luck. This stuff sucks. It really truly sucks.

Whatever problems you have with your marriage stays within the marriage. She doesn't need to validate anything with multiple partners outside of her marriage. Those problems within your marriage was only brought up now, it didn't exist before, these are only problems that were created by her to validate her multiple affairs.

I’m sorry to have to say this but you are dealing with apples and oranges. Cheaters come in every kind of guise but serial cheaters are in a class by themselves. They are almost always irredeemable. You can’t fix a basic personality and that’s what is in a person that cheats all the time. The basic personality is one who does not hold true to any moral values. Their needs for sex or validation of whatever it’s so important that it overrides everything. I wish, looking from the outside, then I have hope for your marriage but I don’t.

I hear you on the young kids thing. I had young kids on DDay as well, and I'm still married 6 years later.

While it makes sense that a cheater would respond the way your wife is (because how is a person who was selfish, entitled, and deceitful enough to cheat going to transform into a selfless, remorseful, and honest person overnight?), it adds so much insult to injury for a BS considering staying. OK, so you cheated on me, but now you're trying to equivalate my supposed flaws (which were, not asking about his day enough and not walking around town with him anymore, the latter happening because I DEVELOPED A DISABILITY) with your actions? It's complete BS. It's just blame-shifting. No matter how someone else acts, I never get a free pass to abuse them, deceive them, expose them to STDs, etc.

So being a BS in this position is trying to survive each day while also looking to the future . . . do I think my spouse has what it takes to become a selfless and introspective person who can deal with their own shame in a healthy way? This requires a lot of self-motivation. Happily for me, I took that wager and I was right . . . my husband has kept working to become the best version of himself. But dealing with those outbursts and deflections for the first, say, year, were really hard. I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve any of it.

To my mind, even if you decide to stay, preparing for the worst is smart. See those lawyers. Know your rights. Get into or stay in counseling. Set yourself up to land on your feet whichever way this goes, because you can't force your wife to change. You can only have and enforce boundaries if she doesn't.

[This message edited by swmnbc at 9:00 AM, November 6th, 2021 (Saturday)]

Okay my NY sarcasm is going to come out here.

She said you also need to change.

Your response to this should be: I’ve already changed thanks to you. I am emotionally shattered and can’t eat or sleep or think straight because you chose to lie and cheat.

Good thing she’s not my spouse!!!!!

That comment, in effect, is blaming YOU for her decision to lie and cheat. (Typical cheater behavior by the way).

Was she giving you her full attention? Probably not with young children. Did you complain or go out snd cheat? No! Why? Because you are better than that. As an adult you recognize the challenges of daily life etc.

Sorry you have to suffer through this too.

You have already changed. And yes you will change in the future. Problem is your cheating spouse may not like the changes she is about to encounter now that the trust part of your marriage is non-existent.

I’m taking she said her behaviors were wrong amd she is ashamed of what she did. I had no clue about all of these affairs. Totally off guard. I like to think that she didn’t have to tell me about them. I only knew about two

That being said I have a lot at stake. She feels as though I didn’t care about her feelings or hear her feelings and she was angry with me. She also said she liked the attention. It’s all very concerning. I have two young kids. She said she is willing to change and work on herself but also told me there are things I need to change.
I can agree that there were issues with our marriage but I don’t think the appropriate response is to have multiple affairs with multiple men. Putting me and my kids at risk.

I've been kind and calm for you so far.

Let me tell you something. This is pure self-protection bullshit from your WW and she will find people that will encourage her.

This is blame shifting, relationship history rewriting, and unmet needs fallacy all hitting at the same time.

Anything that redirects attention from her decisions and actions is all bullshit. She cheated on you. You were faithful. You were living in the same imperfect marriage. Yes you can contribute to marital issues, and you should solve them, in proper time after the affair and cheating has been totally sorted and you wife can prove she is a safe partner. An affair doesn't solve shit. It just piles on more problems.

You are *in danger*.

Please get a Voice Activated Recorder and wear it on your person at all times.

I am in a very sarcastic mood, so please forgive the rant, but your WW's blameshifting has gotten under my skin. You deserve better. And believe me, there will be a time in the future that you will look at these things which much less emotion.

There is this rhetorical/cognitive exercise that Waywards emoy that I like to call the If/Then shuffle. It works like this:

Yes, I had an affair, but you need to understand and appreciate all of the factors that led up to, contributed to, my choosing to have the affair.

This is usually the foundational statement and it is intent ended to begin he shifting of responsibility away from the wayward and towards the betrayed. Usually I shut that shit down at this point by getting them to say the exact same thing again, but replace affair with the word rape and see how it holds up.

Anyway, if you engage, the next thing is the "we had issues or problems in our marriage". This doesn't actually mean that we had issues, only you.you see, the wayward is usually immune from any or mist of the premarital issues, however, the shit that the faithful partner brought to the table, well, those were serious...serious enough to force the poor wayward to cheat.

Are you starting to feel sorry for the poor victim yet?

Now, since both partners brought or had issues in or with the marriage, there are now two sides to the conflict. Here is where the 50/50 bullshit gets trotted out. Two sides to an issue is meant to muddy the water in an argument. It is meant to take the conversation to "I was wrong" to "we were wrong" and ultimately,to "we both need to fix this thing" that I only broke.

This is classic bothsideism. It is the foolish notion that since there are opposing views, they must be of equal merit, like all arguments are somehow coins one can flip. I think a school administrator caught some flak down south trying to get teachers to teach both sides of the holocaust. You know, teaching why genocide is a good thing just to make neo-nazis feel included and valued...

If a wayward can get you to shoulder even 1% of the responsibility for the affair, they have a victory in their minds. It's all about the gymnastics. Remember, the ability to rationalize the unreasonable allowed them to justify their actions in the first place, so if it worked before, they'll certainly give it a shot now. You see, if they can get you to admit that you were the source of premarital stiff, then it become a both of you situation. And both means two, and since the wayward is only one of two, then as a percentage of the partners who were involved in a relationship with problems, it translates into....let me see.. yup 50%. And 50% means you now get half the blame. It is a mindfuck.

If a wayward can shave off some responsibility then they can see themselves as at least a partial victim of circumstances beyond their control. Sure, they killed the marriage, but it was manslaughter, not murder... and even justifiable manslaughter at that. So really, it wasn't really manslaughter, but a cry for help in a tourturingly difficult marriage. You see, they are not the abusers, but the real victims in this terribly unfair situation, and by not immediately recognizing the infinitesimally small part you had to play in a situation you were not even aware of, you become the real abuser. Am I forgiven yet?

So, you get the reality of our predicaments as betrayed spouses.we have inadvertently created a perfect storm in the relationship by foolishly fostering a no win situation for our respective partners in which we have subtly removed every conceivable solution to any marital issues no matter haw large or small, save inserting or have inserted into their bodies the genitalia of a third person.

And this is why, when my STBXWW told me that I HAD to understand how my actions in the marriage contributed to her decision have an affair, I told her to go fuck off....

How am I in danger

Your wife is already proving she will lie and blameshift. Next you are emotionally abusive. Next, false domestic violence claims.

She said she is willing to change and work on herself but also told me there are things I need to change.

Oh things about you have changed... you'll never look at her the same way again.

You're now thinking about divorce, so that's new, too.

You're getting STD tests. Changes, changes, changes.

I know I have said this several times but I am still in a complete state of shock. The behavior that my wife exhibited over the course of several years was reckless, dangerous , frightening , and showed no concern for her family. I looked at her today , as many have recommended , and realized that this was not the person that I married. I am holding on though stupidly because it’s scary to end everything. I’m still going to give myself at least a couple months.

No sir. She did not cheat because she was mad. She didnt cheat because you did,or didn't do something. She didn't cheat because there were problems in the marriage. She cheated because something is wrong with her.

If she truly believes those are her reasons, then yes, you are in danger. Because she will cheat again, the next time she is mad,or feels you've done something wrong.

No marriage , or spouse is perfect. Cheating isn't the answer.

She is a serial cheater,you've just found out, and she is telling YOU to change? No sir. She has basically set your house on fire,and is yelling at you because you left your socks on the floor.

Now is not the time to give into her demands. She wants the marriage? Then she must work on herself, and show that to you.

You have been traumatized. And abused. Expecting you to do ANYTHING, other than try to get through the day, right now, is a load of shit.

Do not allow her to abuse you for one more minute.

You do not have to make any big decisions right now. But there are things you must do...
Std tests.

Have her move out of the bedroom for now.

Inform all of her affair partner's spouses of the affairs.

Separate the finances.

And give her a list of your requirements, that she must meet, in order for you to even consider R.

That list should be..

Full transparency. You get full access to everything, including all passwords.

She drops any friends who knew of the affairs.

Std testing. And the doctor sends you the results.

She answers all of your questions..without blame,anger, or defensiveness. She understands you will ask the same question 100 different ways/times, because that is how a traumatized brain tries to make sense of this crap.

She is 100% honest with you about all things.

She is accountable for her time away from you.

She takes, and passes, a polygraph.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

It's been mentioned that you get a paternity test. This is a good idea for a few reasons. You need to know. And, it really hits home for her, just how horrible her actions have been.

Do not have sex with her. Many women will use sex to lure their BH into reconciliation. You will have a clearer head, if you abstain.

Do you have friends and or family to help you through this?

She feels as though I didn’t care about her feelings or hear her feelings and she was angry with me. She also said she liked the attention.

Nothing you say or do can cause someone else to throw away their own integrity. Honestly, think about what your WW is saying to you. She's saying that YOU are the arbiter of her conscience and character, that YOU decide whether she honors her vows, her word, her agreements. That based on YOUR behavior, she will clandestinely decide whether or not to uphold her stated values. Does that even make any sense to you???

Your WW's cheating is 100% about her and about her relationship to her own values system. She has no internal mechanism which puts a hard and final stop to breaking her word. Her values are optional, arbitrary. Her boundaries are weak, permeable, possibly even non-existent.

I know you're scared. Hell, we've all been there, that's why we're here. But you didn't do this. This is 100% about your WW and her flawed character. It's okay for you to take your time and it's okay to feel paralyzed for awhile. What's NOT okay is internalizing any of her bullshit. Sometimes it takes awhile for a WS to pull their head out of their hindquarters and start allowing some common sense into their foggy minds. So, your situation isn't hopeless. But you don't have to put up with the blame-shifting, and you shouldn't. WS's aren't ready to work until they stop blame-shifting.

She said she is willing to change and work on herself but also told me there are things I need to change.

Oh, hell to the hell no. Always amazing the chutzpah they have to negotiate despite their role as the injuring party.

She has basically set your house on fire,and is yelling at you because you left your socks on the floor.

Priceless...

I have some supports from a couple close friends and brother.