SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s absolutely crazy.

Yes, it is absolutely crazy, brother. Insane. It truly is.

I know this is like being in a waking nightmare. Try to breathe. Try your best to sleep. Drink water. Do not drink alcohol. Take long walks. Whatever you need.

And steadily work on corralling that part of your mind that would like to reject all of this as a nightmare. You have to work on coping with the reality of it. It is actually happening, as horrible and unbelievable as it is. We've been there. We know what you are going through. You will get through this. But to have the best results for you and your children, you have to accept the reality of it and what that entails.

What that entails is action now. As much direct action working from solid information as you can possibly muster. The sooner the better.

I’m not rushing to any fast decisions. I saw a therapist today snd I’m going weekly. I agree that I think my wife is a serial cheater. I don’t even know who she is anymore. She had sex twice with a guy at his home one year after our son was born. I had absolutely no clue.

I think my wife is a serial cheater

She's been sexting multiple men,and had sex with one of them. That you know of. She IS a serial cheater.

Hi Beagle,

I'm so, so sorry this is happening in your life. You don't deserve this. No one deserves this.

You have been given lots of good advice and options by people here already.

Above all, take care of yourself and your kids.

Be really kind to yourself and reduce what you can from your workload. It's really fine to "phone it in" for a while. Give yourself grace.

We all support you in this very difficult time.

Reach out for as much in-person support as you need from trusted friends and family.

As someone who is at the start of a D from a serial cheater, I will tell you (from my experience) they don't change and chances of R are very slim. That being said, you need to do what feels right to you.

My STBXWH is a serial cheater. I learned of his first affair in 2011, and we separated for a couple of years. He convinced me after that time apart that he had changed, that he didn't want to be that person anymore, and wanted our marriage back. I, stupidly, fell for all of his promises and we got back together. Recently, I learned of 2 more LTA's that were going on at the same time (those women found out about each other and threatened to tell me - that was the only reason he came clean). I know that there have been others, and probably numerous shorter "flings" too. Everything he did to convince me that he had changed was purely performative. He started the same crap this time around too - making all kinds of promises, going to therapy, etc. I found out from the BH of one of the OW that he was still seeing her. He gave me their address to confirm it myself (her husband was working out of state, and wanted to know for himself too) and sure enough, my WH's car was in the driveway of her house when he said he was staying with his Mom since I had asked him for some space.

I came home that night and paid the extra after hours fee to have the locks changed and started moving his stuff into the garage. I kicked him and out and contacted an attorney and haven't looked back. Serial cheaters rarely change. One affair is devastating enough to a marriage, but to do this over and over again, and lie to the face of their spouse every day as if it was nothing, is really something else. The narcissistic behavior, the compulsive lying, the complete lack of empathy... as someone else said, these are traits of a personality disorder. Thanks to my educational background in psychology, I know that those disorders are VERY resistant to treatment. My own therapist that I've started seeing has likened them to physical diseases like type one diabetes... there is no cure for them, and they will always be present, but they can be managed with intentional consistent intervention. The problem is, many people with personality disorders do not want to put in the work to be a different person. Especially if it's narcissistic personality disorder... it's not in their nature to accept fault for anything... they are not inclined to "fix" something they don't see as broken.

I wish you the best as you navigate this, but I hope you learn from others here... I wish I had known about this site before I took my WH back and wasted another several years of my life with him and his lies.

[This message edited by CereBella at 12:51 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

Thank you. My head is spinning from all of this. Im a therapist/ clinical social worker and the behaviors are concerning. That being said it really feels awful. Im leaning towards a D but don’t want to make any quick reactive decisions.

Sorry but you only know the tip of this iceberg.

How so?

How so?

It's commonly held knowledge that cheaters only admit to what they absolutely have to. In my own case, with my serial cheating WH, I would always find out more as time went on. What they will admit to is only the tip of the iceberg. What you don't see/know that's still "under the surface" is the stuff that will make your head spin. I've been there.

None of this is easy, and speaking from experience when I first found out, we have a natural reflex to cling to what is "ours" initially. We have invested a LOT into our marriages and we don't want to give up on them. Again, I can't tell you what's right for you, but I see things very differently now. I wish I had never taken my WH back the first time. Now I'm just angry that he stole more years of my life from me. Hindsight is always 20/20 though.

DNA test your son. You need to know for sure. Use a kit off Amazon or similar and you can have the DNA and records destroyed on completion of the test.

If you feel froggy, tell your WW that you are doing it and gauge her facial reaction.

Please don’t put pressure in yourself to decide anything right now.

You need to adjust to the betrayal and the pain and devastation. It will get better. Very slowly you will start to see a small change.

One day — and who knows when — you will wake up and open yiur eyes and the first thought will not be "my spouse cheated on me" or "I’m in so much pain b/c my wife lied snd cheated".

Just do your best each day. That’s all you can do

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:45 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

Should I just lawyer up now? Will she drain the accounts on me and leave me penniless. Is this the end of the road?

I feel so alone. I do t know what to do anymore

I don’t even know who she is anymore. She had sex twice with a guy at his home one year after our son was born. I had absolutely no clue.

Who is she? Well she's a very good liar. Looks like she can be more selfish and cruel than you. She's good at being sneaky... in other words she's good at cheating, so good you didn't have a clue.

You're going to have to weigh all that crap against her strengths, the kindness and love she has shown you and your kids, and evaluate if she's capable of working hard on fixing this nasty side of her personality. There are stories here and on TAM of couples who have reconciled after 'worse' infidelity than your marriage. But it's going to be a lot of work from her. Going to take a lot of patience, strength and forgiveness from you. Big decision, you've got two kids to think about here, too.

Should you see a lawyer. Yep. Get the lay of the land on what various legal options would mean for your family - division of assets, custody, and what the divorce climate is in your location for men like you.

If you're unsure of divorce or reconciliation, look you don't have to decide this week or month. You want to watch carefully over the next while what her actions are (her actions not what she promises). Does she stick with IC (not all cheating spouses do). Does counselling help her get to the root of this shitty side of her personality so she's likely to behave herself going forward. If you're worried about being in limbo indefinitely, set a time limit on this evaluation period - 6 weeks? 3 months? or the like.

What are her reasons for all this shady shit? If she can't come clean about it, answers that you sound right to you, factor that into your decision about reconciling, too.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:34 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

Yes get a lawyer as soon as you can.

Others can give you good advice on he financial side -- and so will an attorney -- but ensure you open other accounts, take out half from checking and savings, and redirect your paycheck to a new account so you control it.

Do not have sex with her. That can count as condonation. If you file first you are in the driver’s seat. Divorce takes awhile.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:42 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

I feel so alone. I do t know what to do anymore

Not uncommon. You are in shock right now.

Knowledge is power. See an attorney and find out where you stand.

Do not Telegraph your actions. Eyes and ears open, mouth shut.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:37 AM, Saturday, November 6th]

Those that get strong quick and stay there always come out best. You can only control you.

You get to determine how long you stay in limbo. No one else has that power over you unless you give it to them.

Hi, Beagle, I agree, you need to meet with an attorney or three (usually consults are free).

Knowledge is power. Put yourself in the best position possible because you have children to consider. You are the stable parent in their lives right now.

There may very well be much more to what she is telling you bc she's a serial cheater. She's not who you thought she was.

Get out of your environment and meet up with family and friends. A respite from all of this will help clear your mind even for a brief moment.

You are not alone. Thousands here to help you navigate this trauma.

Don't make any hasty decisions and by all means keep your cool even though you will find yourself angry as hell.

The tip of the iceberg comment is very true... for most people. Not all. One positive point, painful though it is, is that she told you about sleeping with this guy and from what I understood, you had absolutley no clue about that person before she said it.

That does not mean she has been completely honest. But it is possible.

Highly recommend that you follow Thumos’ advice immediately. Do not wait a minute.