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I just needed to get this out of my head. I am at work and a coworker made a passing comment about a concert. It’s a pretty big trigger for me and now I am shallow breathing and feel like I have a hole in my chest. It’s been a long time since I have felt like this at work. I have been doing really well handling triggers. This one got me out of the blue.

I am trying really hard to redirect my thoughts and stay in the present. But I keep thinking "is it even worth it if I keep feeling like this?" How do I live the rest of my life with these random land mines going off in my head??

I want a relationship with FWH, I just don’t want these feelings. How can I have one without the other?

I know I will be ok. I just wanted to get this out of my head and you are the only ones who truly understand.

Thankfully FWH handled it quite well. He focused on empathy and caring. Was very supportive and kind. No defensiveness at all. I didn’t lash out and attack him at all. It was a good interaction for us.

Triggers suck. Triggers out of nowhere suck more. Triggers out of nowhere in a public place - that's a high level of suck.

I'm glad your FWH is handling this well and giving you compassion and empathy. That is huge. And you both had positive communication as a result. That is huge.

Be kind to yourself. Do something extra nice for yourself. You handled it. You handled it well. You came here and let it out. That was smart. You talked to your FWH about it. That was bold. You handled it like a badass.

And...if because it sucks...you want to cry? Do that too - your body needs to purge.

Those happen to me too. Not as often and not as harshly as they used to. But they happen. I have a few grounding exercises to do when they hit [breathing exercising - name 5 things shiny, 4 things blue and so on]. And an emergency Rx if nothing else works. I always up my self care either way. And sometimes just embrace the suck because it takes more energy to run from it and/or pretend it doesn't exist.

I also log them. I keep a spreadsheet of them. Date, Trigger, Notes. Sometimes a pattern emerges. Sometimes not. Most times I feel slightly better that I've noted them and can now dismiss them as I have captured all the details that I can revisit anytime I feel it necessary. That can sometimes quell the instant replay on loop in your mind.

And no matter how good I am doing - sometimes in the darkest hours - I wonder how I can keep doing this and when it will stop. I've learned even if D happened [and the Land of Chaos is doing remarkably well so I don't see that happening] - with WH or without WH - the pain, sorrow and triggers will still be there.

Triggers are the worst! Well done to FWH and you for handling this one so well. It WILL get better. I'm nearly 3 years out and still get them. Trying to focus on the positives and grounding exercises help me A LOT. Hugs to you.

Chaos, you are so right. The triggers will happen with or without FWH in my life. I keep telling myself that when I just want to protect myself and run away.

Coming here and posting helped a lot. I was able to take a few minutes to myself and purge the feelings. I am not very good at remembering to do the grounding exercises. The overwhelm usually takes over and I have sensory overload. Recording and looking for patterns is a great idea. I faced a different trigger yesterday and handled myself pretty well. I didn't feel compelled to pain shop afterward, so maybe I am further along than I imagine myself to be.

I am going to give myself a manicure tomorrow. Tonight I will go to bed early and get a good night of sleep.

Ladybugmaam, thanks for your words of support. We are also almost 3 years out, coming up to A season. I am dreading the next 3 months, but I know I will survive. I am pretty certain it will be better than the last few years. I am slowly healing.

You did WELL !!! You felt that trigger...and instead of acting on it...you used tools that helped you to not fully break down. BRAVO!!!

What helped me was learning about the "limbic lag". Our limbic system keeps track of EVERY experience...so it can instinctively "protect" us when a similar bad experience comes along. It doesn't matter how long ago the experience was either. GOOD experiences make our bodies react positively so that we can have more of that experience. BAD experiences make our bodies react negatively so that we can avoid them. We can "retrain" our limbic system...but ONLY through experience. Logic doesn't work on our limbic system.

The experience you had from this trigger turned out to be a POSITIVE one with the way you and your FWH handled it . From this...the next trigger about concerts should probably be a little less intense. If you have another positive experience concerning that trigger...it will make the instinctive reaction even less than this one.

I can't say that triggers have ever really gone away for me. But I can say that they are more like a small splinter instead of a huge plank knocking me upside my head !! I don't let the splinter stay...I pull that sucker OUT...and go about my business now . Yes...I'm going to say it...I OWN TRIGGERS now !!

Want2BHappyAgain, thank you for your reply. I don't remember reading about the limbic lag before so that information is quite helpful.

I am curious, does that mean that when I have a negative experience with a trigger that I am reinforcing the trigger and giving it more power in the future?

ladyphoenix hello!

What jumped out at me is how great and important for healing it is that he handled it well. Those healing moments do start to rewire the trigger a little bit. Just a little. Then a little more. And a little more.

Triggers are the freaking worst.

ladyphoenix...I apologize for not answering more soon!

I am curious, does that mean that when I have a negative experience with a trigger that I am reinforcing the trigger and giving it more power in the future?

This is a really good question!! I believe this is what you are talking about with your negative experience with a trigger:

It’s a pretty big trigger for me and now I am shallow breathing and feel like I have a hole in my chest.

If this is what you are talking about...then my understanding of the limbic lag is that this is your body reacting to the experience that you had which caused the recent trigger. To ME...it means your limbic system is working...and trying to protect you .

Someone posted on here once about how people can form "ruts" so to speak in their brain by thinking of something over and over. It then becomes their "go to" in their brain pathways. This really intrigued me...so I did research on that as well . From what I have read...the question you asked is more in line with us forming our neural pathways. I believe that by me focusing on POSITIVE things...it DOES reinforce positivity .

I KNEW from Dday that there was something in my brain that caused me to act the way I did that day. As soon as my H confessed to having an A...it was like my body took over. It was surreal...I had NO emotion whatsoever. I calmly backed away from hugging him and matter-of-factly said that the M was over . This was so UNLIKE me. It was like I was watching a movie...that is how unlike me it was!!! I am very emotionally driven...and people can easily know how I am feeling from the way I express myself. That is why I LOVE using emojis ! Showing NO emotion on Dday really puzzled me. It also surprised and scared my H!! He was NOT expecting that reaction from me at all!!

When I read about the "limbic lag" in the Wayward Forum...I had to research more about it. What I read...THAT FIT what I experienced!! The more I read about how our brain works...the more I knew that I NEEDED to find a way to get through the myriad of vengeful and toxic thoughts I was having. These types of thoughts ROBBED me of PEACE and hindered my healing.

To ME...whatever YOU will reinforce is what you will give power to . It is HARD at first...but you definitely are on the right track in using the tools you KNOW to BEAT THIS .

That brings me to this:

I keep thinking "is it even worth it if I keep feeling like this?" How do I live the rest of my life with these random land mines going off in my head??

These questions actually have NOTHING to do with your FWH Dear Lady...so you definitely CAN have both the negative feelings and the relationship.

WHAT IF you turned these questions around to have a more positive connotation though? WHAT IF you said...for example..."I will NOT let this beat me. This is a feeling and I can control it". Or..."I am ready to diffuse ANY land mine that goes off in my head...BRING THEM ON!!" These statements sound pretty POWERFUL to me...what about you? What positive statement would YOU life to think instead of those negative ones that you had running through your mind?

I hate to keep talking about ME. No...REALLY !! But...I can only go from MY experience. To ME...I knew what it was like to have negative feelings pop up about adultery...even though I had that happen over 30 years before with my XWH. When I started doing the research on the brain...I thought that MAYBE I could heal myself from that time as well. I decided to go for it because at that point...what did I have to lose? I started doing POSITIVE stuff...started thinking POSITIVE thoughts...and my thoughts truly did start dictating my feelings .

Whether you stay with your FWH or not...those triggers aren't going to go away on their own. But you CAN...and I believe you WILL beat them . You are on the right path...so don't give up!!! I can't guarantee you that you will stay with your FWH...but I PROMISE you that changing your mindset and perspective to a more positive one WILL help you HEAL .

GTeam, I was happy to "see" you back. Your input is valuable to this forum for sure! I have been super busy with the end of my first college semester and didn't see your reply.

He has for sure made progress in his response to many of the triggers I have. He is coming to realize that I am bombarded daily with things that remind me of his infidelity. He is also starting to acknowledge it without me telling him first and that is huge for him. He would much rather not rock the boat. IC is really helping him.

The great thing is that I am also having a better response to most of the triggers. They are not holding me hostage in my flipped prefrontal cortex for nearly as long. I am not attacking him in the same way that I was. I can usually catch myself when I start screaming and mentally talk myself down.

My goal is to handle this with grace and dignity. That's easier said than done when my brain goes all Jeckel/Hyde on me.

Want2BHappyAgain,

I don't know how I missed your response!

From what I have read...the question you asked is more in line with us forming our neural pathways. I believe that by me focusing on POSITIVE things...it DOES reinforce positivity smile .

Yes, I guess what I am asking (realizing) is that when I have a negative response (aside from the physiological limbic response), an angry outburst, focus on angry thoughts, fuel to the negative thoughts, then I am reinforcing and creating that awful rut. The go to pathway for my brain to follow.

I have so much admiration to individuals like yourself who focus on and emanate positivity. I am drawn to your posts. It seems so simplistic to think that it's just a matter of retraining my brain from "realistic" thinking to "positivity". I am not a "glass half empty" person who only focuses on the negative. I am a see it from both sides but leans toward the positive although I can also see the negative too. I am also an "I got burned and learned that it hurts and don't want to get burned again" so protect myself with oven mitts kind of person.

These types of thoughts ROBBED me of PEACE and hindered my healing.

Logically I understand this, it is in practice that I struggle.

I started doing POSITIVE stuff...started thinking POSITIVE thoughts...and my thoughts truly did start dictating my feelings

Is it truly that easy?! And by easy I mean hard as f*ck because those pathways are hardwired!
Help me reconcile this struggle: Does focusing on the positive become rugsweeping?
Because as we all know, there's nothing positive about infidelity. Is it just a matter of recognizing and "rewarding" myself for being strong enough to choose this path?

I PROMISE you that changing your mindset and perspective to a more positive one WILL help you HEAL

I think I will print this off and put it on my wall.

Does focusing on the positive become rugsweeping?

You come up with some really GOOD questions !! I have written and rewritten several answers...but they are all about ME and MY experience. This question can only truly be answered by YOU .

Let me ask you a few questions. What does "rugsweeping" mean to YOU? Why does focusing on the positive feel like rugsweeping to you? Do you FEEL as though you have rugswept anything? Have you ever felt the effects of rugsweeping something? Was that experience positive for you? Do you think I am not "realistic" when I am "positive"? I was just picking on that last question !!!

To ME...rugsweeping is akin to blind trust. My GUT was screaming at me the whole time my H was having his A. I knew something was OFF...even though my H was an ocean away. He was manipulating and gaslighting me. He was very careful with his words. Of course...I knew there was NO WAY he would EVER cheat on me ...so I blindly trusted what he was saying . But I KNEW...deep down...I knew he wasn't being truthful . After Dday...when I found out that I really DID know he wasn't being truthful...I wasn't letting ANYTHING get swept under the rug!!! I have seen people write on here about how they rugswept...until they just couldn't stand it anymore. Their bodies...their minds...their GUT wouldn't stay calm. I certainly understand rugsweeping in that definition because of the feelings I had when I was accepting my H's words...even though his actions while overseas were not adding up. I don't have that FEELING anymore...my GUT is calm now .

I remember being so scared when I was at a similar place you are now. I didn't want to be played for a fool again. The disrespect my H showed me from having an A was HORRIBLE and I was NEVER going to be disrespected like that again. I didn't know HOW to control any of that though. Thankfully some of the vets on here gently let me know that I had to let go of the outcome. Some of these things were out of my control...because they involved my H's actions as well. I learned that I couldn't control anything HE did...but I COULD control ME . There is freedom in that revelation!!

I started doing POSITIVE stuff...started thinking POSITIVE thoughts...and my thoughts truly did start dictating my feelings.

Is it truly that easy?

Unequivocally...YES !!! I read that somewhere and throughout these years it has truly been a life changing phrase...OUR THOUGHTS DICTATE OUR FEELINGS. You are so right...there is NOTHING positive about infidelity. BUT...y'all aren't IN infidelity anymore .

This is an EASY experiment to try . Find something that you KNOW is a positive "go to" thought. Mine was when I thought about my grandchildren . When something negative enters your thoughts...quickly replace it with a positive thought. When you can't think of one...use your "go to" thought. Give it a timeline of a few days...maybe a week for this experiment. After your timeline...you will be able to see if this is true...our thoughts dictate our feelings.

ETA: I am on my 8th year since Dday...and I didn't come to these revelations overnight. It was around year 3 before I took D off of the table and started to be ALL IN. YOU are truly doing so WELL...and I am very much in awe of how your thoughts are going this soon after Dday !! I can't state that enough!!! Just trust in yourself...read as much as you can...and take what you NEED on here...then leave the rest .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 8:44 PM, Friday, December 3rd]

I view a trigger as pain coming to the surface to be released. They almost always are surprises or shocks. They're awful to experience, but - IMO - they're healing. They're not logical, but they're healing.

Eventually they'll become fewer and less frequent, and that's when you might be hit by a big one. At least that's what happened to me from time to time, until a few years ago. IOW, the triggers are very likely to stop hurting, and they'll be no more than annoying, but they're probably going to be around.

I'll share an experience. When I was 22 I went through a traumatic health event which included 3+ weeks in hospital. About 50 years later, I visited my mom on the same floor in the same building after a 1,000 mile drive. I was rushing from the parking lot ... and felt myself slowing with every step. I had to pysch myself to enter the building, and even then I entered with a sense of doom. It took me 2 days before I could enter the corridor off of which was my old room. It took another 2 days before I could show my W my old room, and even then, I stood 15 feet away from the door. The view from the window was exactly as I had remembered. Triggers are ingrained in our brains....

OTOH, if I weren't an SI staff member, I believe I'd have forgotten some crucial dates. Hell, I AM and SI staff member, and I've forgotten the date of the first A sex, and I've forgotten that we're in A season. In fact, 11 years ago today was a terrible time for me, but I no longer trigger on that.

IOW, your life will probably get better as you heal, and triggers are part of healing.

*****

It's a good sign that your WS didn't get defensive. It's a good sign you didn't attack him. You're healing.

Want2BHappyAgain,

Let me ask you a few questions. What does "rugsweeping" mean to YOU? Why does focusing on the positive feel like rugsweeping to you? Do you FEEL as though you have rugswept anything? Have you ever felt the effects of rugsweeping something? Was that experience positive for you? Do you think I am not "realistic" when I am "positive"? I was just picking on that last question laugh !!!

I apologize for my choice of words, of course positivity is realistic, it is how you frame an experience and your ultimate response to that experience. It is foreign to me to simply focus on positive thoughts to drive my feelings. FOO has trained me to be logic driven and to see both sides of an experience. I can certainly incorporate that experiment of positivity into my life and see where it takes me.

Rugsweeping to me is ignoring and avoiding the negative feelings and thoughts that come up. At this point, no, we have not rugswept anything, loads of TT and deception on his part for a long time but I kept asking the questions. We probably talk about it too much actually. It seems to me that if I start focusing on the positive, then I will have to avoid talking about the infidelity, and then if I am avoiding talking about the infidelity, I am sweeping the negative.

For example, another trigger: we drive by a location that hijacks my brain. Do I address it and tell him how I am feeling (focusing on the negative) or redirect my thoughts to something happy and not address it at all?

This past weekend I tried to focus on a positive memory we had in a location that he took the AP. But that just made me angry because that positive experience we had wasn't enough for him to not take her there. He has poisoned a lot of the good memories for me. No matter what I did, I could not redirect my thinking and I went into a dark hole of pain for the rest of the day. He also did not respond the best. Silence and avoidance. He was hurt by me pointing out that so many positive marriage memories we had are stained by his infidelity. I am hurt that our marriage meant nothing to him after 20 years.

We were trying to have fun together shopping for Christmas. It turned into a miserable experience because I wasn't focused on the positive. I knew exactly when the switch happened. The internal question was "avoid it, or address it". Rugsweep or face it?

But maybe, if I reframe it with a more positive lens as you suggest, the internal question is "address it right now and focus on the past, or focus on the present moment and address it later if necessary". That may have resulted in a positive experience for us, and if my positive thinking wasn't enough to change my feeling, I could talk about it later.

I think that most of our past conflicts were rugswept by FWH. I would voice my thoughts, feelings, ideas. He would sit silent and agree with me so as not to rock the boat. I thought he just wasn't as "passionate" as me, he was just so laid back. Little did I know that he was harbouring resentment and anger for years. Feeling like his thoughts and feelings didn't matter (of course, he wasn't expressing any of that). He is getting so much better at having a voice in our relationship. It's night and day to before. Knowing now that he was avoiding all that time leaves me feeling robbed of so much connection with him, and scared that he will fall into that pattern again. He is a valuable contributor to our relationship. I guess I am concerned that if I don't hold him accountable, that he will not face it on his own and manage his own accountability.

Letting go of the outcome. I am coming to terms with this. I think I am still trying to control the outcome. Thank you for that reminder.

[edited to add spaces between paragraphs for easier reading, and also spelling]

[This message edited by ladyphoenix at 11:22 AM, Saturday, December 4th]

Sisoon,

Eventually they'll become fewer and less frequent, and that's when you might be hit by a big one. At least that's what happened to me from time to time, until a few years ago. IOW, the triggers are very likely to stop hurting, and they'll be no more than annoying, but they're probably going to be around.

I see this happening with many of the trigger locations. I am not usually knocked off my feet anymore. The one with the concert came out of no where in that I am usually "safe" at this particular pt job. I started here the year after DD so it's mostly neutral territory. Mostly trigger locations bring my thoughts to the A. Sometimes when I am in the middle of a sentence and we drive by a spot the "reaction" is I lose my train of thought, space out for a few seconds, and then continue on. I am not pulled into the fetal position any more.

Thank you for sharing your hospital experience. That must have been miserable for you. Knowing you wanted to focus on your mother, but getting hijacked by your brain. But also, you faced it and that is so important.

I am looking forward to when my brain heals enough to let go of some of the details. I fear that I have ingrained the memories so well, I may never forget. But, if I were to turn that fear around, I should say... I have the capacity to get past these feelings and will give them less attention and that will allow them to fade into the background instead of the forefront. I can start storing positive thoughts and memories in place of them.

Do I address it and tell him how I am feeling (focusing on the negative) or redirect my thoughts to something happy and not address it at all?

Thanks for your thoughts.

A trigger isn't negative or positive. It just is. It's a feeling, a response. When a trigger gets in the way of doing what one wants to do, one is faced with a decision.

At the hospital, you're right. I wanted to focus on my mom, but the trigger interfered. I talked about it with my W, which cleared my head. The feelings - fear & grief - were about the past, but I was having the feelings in the present. I thought support from my W would help, which is why I talked with her. In fact, feelings about my stay on that floor continued to interfere until I talked about the trigger with other visitors (all of whom were close family).

In R, I think it's useful to test the WS as much as possible, because if my R wasn't going to work, I wanted to know as soon as possible. So I shared my triggers with my W. My reco is to share your triggers to get relief and to test your H. If you don't like his response, tell him what response you want, and ask him to provide it. If he won't step up with a response that is supportive, maybe he's not a good candidate for R.

But your H may step up from the start (my W did). Passing a test with flying colors is very positive for R.

Sisoon,

In R, I think it's useful to test the WS as much as possible, because if my R wasn't going to work, I wanted to know as soon as possible. So I shared my triggers with my W. My reco is to share your triggers to get relief and to test your H. If you don't like his response, tell him what response you want, and ask him to provide it. If he won't step up with a response that is supportive, maybe he's not a good candidate for R.

But your H may step up from the start (my W did). Passing a test with flying colors is very positive for R.

I don't think I could not share my feelings and challenges I have with triggers. At first he was not very good at getting past the shame. Over time he has learned to respond with empathy and concern instead of reacting defensively. I sometimes get upset at having to tell him what response I need. I would prefer him to not need the prompting. I know this has a lot to do with his upbringing to suppress and bottle up feelings. He is improving. I see a lot of changes in him. We have more civil conversations about it now than in the past.

I too would rather know sooner than later, but this is a slow process so it seems I just have to be patient. I would be concerned if I didn't see forward motion. I believe our R is working. Sometimes I actually think he is further along in the healing process than me. The post DDay deception and withholding information created such a profound wound in me.

Healing takes so much energy and time.

ladyphoenix...I am so impressed with your insight !! The thoughts you are having are about helping YOU to heal...I LOVE that you are sharing this with others on here . This way of thinking will move you forward even though it may not feel like it right now.

You've made a lot of GOOD points...and I will try and dissect them without writing a novel . I really was joking about the realistic/positive question...but I like your take on it . I AM more emotion driven...which is what led me to research how our brains work after my response to my H on Dday. Having NO emotion when he confessed...and stating that the M was over in a matter-of-fact way...I couldn't comprehend how this reaction was coming from ME !!

Rugsweeping to me is ignoring and avoiding the negative feelings and thoughts that come up. At this point, no, we have not rugswept anything, loads of TT and deception on his part for a long time but I kept asking the questions.

For example, another trigger: we drive by a location that hijacks my brain. Do I address it and tell him how I am feeling (focusing on the negative) or redirect my thoughts to something happy and not address it at all?

Thank you for clarifying what you mean by rugsweeping .

My definition of rugsweeping was to not pursue answers to questions...or basically...to ignore my GUT. I liken it to the "blind trust" that I had when I KNEW something was off between me and my H while he was overseas. I asked the questions...but I accepted his answers even though my GUT was still screaming.

To ME...you already know what happened at this location...and this is why your are triggered. But I am not sure that you are rugsweeping it. It seems that you have already addressed this before with him as well...correct? However...is there still something you feel doesn't FIT with this particular location? Are there more questions you have about this location...or is it because it is THIS location that it triggers you?

Because my H's A happened overseas...there are no locations around me that are triggers. However...a dear friend of mine on here...had these types of triggers you are having about locations. HER solution was to go TO these locations. I believe she even had her husband show her where he and the adultery co-conspirator sat once at a hotel bar...and then proceeded to sit in the same seat where the adultery co-conspirator sat!! Another dear friend of mine on here recently wrote a post about how she can't go to hotel rooms at all right now. BOTH situations are absolutely PERFECT for these two wonderful ladies .

NOTHING is linear in our recovery. We all recover at different paces...but the key is to keep going . You are doing WELL Dear Lady...I truly can't emphasize that enough!!

This past weekend I tried to focus on a positive memory we had in a location that he took the AP. But that just made me angry because that positive experience we had wasn't enough for him to not take her there. He has poisoned a lot of the good memories for me. No matter what I did, I could not redirect my thinking and I went into a dark hole of pain for the rest of the day. He also did not respond the best. Silence and avoidance. He was hurt by me pointing out that so many positive marriage memories we had are stained by his infidelity. I am hurt that our marriage meant nothing to him after 20 years.

I absolutely understand your feeling of anger about this. It really SUCKS that these memories are tainted . Once again...you are recognizing what is happening...and working your way through them . Anger is a secondary emotion...and you have pointed out WHY your got angry. It was because you were hurt...that was your primary emotion that brought the anger . You may be absolutely correct in stating that y'alls M meant nothing to your FWH after 20 years. But from what I have read...it means something to him NOW . NOW is what COUNTS !!! The solution MAY be for you to go and make NEW memories at this location...POSITIVE ones . I can almost guarantee you that it will NOT feel positive at the time. But when you look back on it...you will see that you FACED your demon...and you conquered it. You will have RECLAIMED that location!! That is always a GOOD feeling!!

I think that most of our past conflicts were rugswept by FWH. I would voice my thoughts, feelings, ideas. He would sit silent and agree with me so as not to rock the boat. I thought he just wasn't as "passionate" as me, he was just so laid back. Little did I know that he was harbouring resentment and anger for years.

Is THIS why you are worried about rugsweeping...because you are afraid that YOU will start to harbor resentment and anger until something blows up? If so...you now KNOW what this issue brings. Knowledge is POWER !!!

I guess I am concerned that if I don't hold him accountable, that he will not face it on his own and manage his own accountability.

I can definitely understand this reasoning. I have seen people on here try to do this...and then they get exhausted from it. RELEASE yourself from that trap...you have my permission . Seriously though...NONE of us can control what anyone else does. We can only control ourselves. As a wise person on here says all the time...YOU work on healing YOU. It is your FWH's job to heal himself. Once you are BOTH healed...then y'all can work on healing your M .

You have come a long way in your healing Dear Lady...and I am so EXCITED to see it through your eyes . It seems as though your FWH is healing too!! Y'all can walk this healing path WITH each other...y'all just can't walk it FOR each other. One example that works for ME: when I am feeling triggered about something...I tell my H "say something". That is his CUE that I need positive reinforcement from him because I have negative thoughts about THEM in my head. I do this when something I have tried isn't working to get the negative thoughts OUT of my head.

I let him know before we started this that I needed words of love...of honor...of cherishing me. At first my H would immediately go to "I love you". That was good...but I told him that he never stopped telling me he loved me the whole time he was fucking the adultery co-conspirator. He then understood and the next time I said "say something"...he expanded his response by telling me even more. He could tell by my response if something was working or not...and he would tweak his next response by that.

He also became more aware of the surroundings. If we came upon tulips for example...he knew that this was probably what triggered me...and he would start talking about something else around there...like if there was an antique shop...knowing how WE like to go through antique shops . It would STOP my mind from obsessing about the tulips...and bring my mind to thinking about pleasant triggers such as the antique shop.

Practicing thankfulness works well for BOTH of us too . It is almost impossible to have negative thoughts when I am thinking about something I am thankful for!

Last thing...but certainly not the least...I believe your FWH...like my H...WANTS TO HELP YOU HEAL. My H would do anything he could to help stop the PAIN he inflicted on me...but he was so overwhelmed by the pain he saw me in and didn't know WHAT to do. He was afraid that he might unwittingly cause me even MORE pain...and it paralyzed him. At first it seemed like my H just didn't care...when in fact...he cared so much but didn't want to hurt me anymore. THINK about that Dear Lady . Don't play into that thought process that IF your FWH really wanted to help you he would...he knows what to do. Instead...Let HIM help you heal by telling him what YOU need from HIM . You will soon find out WHICH mindset your FWH has .

Want2BHappyAgain
I have been thinking a lot about what you said and working on positive thinking. It's been a roller coaster of a week and I have been struggling. We are having some good conversations. We also have been arguing more. As hard as that is, I see progress. When we are arguing, FWH is engaged and not shutting down and walking away. He doesn't always say the right thing, but he's trying.

To ME...you already know what happened at this location...and this is why your are triggered. But I am not sure that you are rugsweeping it. It seems that you have already addressed this before with him as well...correct? However...is there still something you feel doesn't FIT with this particular location? Are there more questions you have about this location...or is it because it is THIS location that it triggers you?

The interesting part is that I don't believe the timeline of this location. I believe that he is telling me what happened but that it really happened a different night. A night he was out with her and says they just drove around. He lied so much in the beginning and he finally told me about this location a year ago (I would never have known about it otherwise) I just can't settle my fear.

But from what I have read...it means something to him NOW smile . NOW is what COUNTS grin !!!

I am having such a hard time trusting that it is true.

One example that works for ME: when I am feeling triggered about something...I tell my H "say something".

I will often say "tell me something good". Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't.

It's hard, it seems like all conflict is "do or die" now.

He was afraid that he might unwittingly cause me even MORE pain...and it paralyzed him.

This is it exactly. He also thinks that I deserve better than to be in all of this pain and then he gets into a shame spiral and takes some time to come around. Thank you for suggesting to tell him what I need. It helped this week and he has been stepping up and facing some of the old triggers with me without me having to point them out first.