SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sordid.

Thank you for the update. I feel as though this group has really become somewhat of a lynching mentality for some people.

Another poster Hopeful1881 most likely will not be back for the same reason. Some were brutal b/c she was considering reconciling with her Husband.

She did PM and thank me for being positive and supportive to her.

But I doubt she will be back.

I feel sorry for people who come here in severe pain and utterly distraught to be blasted with "divorce the piece of shit you are married to" because it’s your only option.

Maybe some should not post in Just Found Out because it’s too painful. Too raw. Too triggering.

Maybe we should be careful and carefully consider those who want to reconcile. There are so many reasons that people choose to remain married after infidelity. And if someone says that is what they choose, we should not insult them or trash their spouse by using horrible names and words.

It’s fine to share your experience. However that does not mean every one here will have the same experience.

For me personally I had no intention of reconciling with my H after his mid-life crisis affair, 2 days, his second affair blah blah blah. However he did change. He did have remorse and understood the damage he caused to me and our marriage. I am open about being one of the lucky ones who is happily reconciled.

So yes people can change. People do change. We need to give the benefit of the doubt sometimes.

We need to be caring, kind and supportive here. Have a heart.

Thanks, Sordid. This has been bothering me because it reminds me of my experience trying to get help on other infidelity forums 20 years ago. I started a thread about it called, "Please don't rub my nose in it" on the General forum.

Thank you, Sordid, for taking the time to post such an important message.

To the OP, I do hope you decide to rejoin us. I know "take what you need and leave the rest" is a hard mantra to follow when you are hurting so much, but please bear in mind that most of that comes from a place of pain and wanting you to get out of infidelity post-haste. And we are not professionals (most of us anyway), so bear that in mind as well.

Sending strength,

Lala

Thank you Sordid. I return to this thread often hoping the OP is doing ok. I agree with you completely on the 2x4s to BSs that are in the discovery phase.

The discovery phase IS the trauma phase. It calls for empathy, comfort, listening, and not much more. We BSs need to remember how disorienting, painful and life altering that state is and bring our empathy A game, imo.

Another point I'd like to make: Denial is a natural, healthy response to trauma. The brain protects us from full knowledge and feelings so we are not overwhelmed, so we don't suffer a stroke with the weight of the thing bearing down on us.

When we try to strip that away from someone in active trauma we are not helping them, I'd argue we are risking their mental and possibly physical health. They need time to process, to ask questions, to get their feet under them and little by little take in what has happened to them. Yes, one can cling to denial like it's a job and in the end find themselves stuck but that's a long way down the road, certainly not at the time of discovery.

We really ought to be more careful about playing god in people's lives and deciding we know what is best for a human being and a family we do not know.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 3:41 PM, Tuesday, February 22nd]

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Not letting the OP up for air after 5 run-on pages of relentless monologue 2X4s…

when the OP clearly stated early on that he was abundantly furious and disgusted with his WS. Why the need to run his nose further in it?

Were we doing it for his benefit or ours?

Thank you for the update.

The words I would use to describe a man like you is amazing. Putting those children first are what any "man" would do.

You are not "less than" because you choose to reconcile. While some people look down on betrayed spouses who reconcile, it takes a lot to be able to do so. And it’s not for the weak either (then again neither is D).

Wishing you the best on your path to healing and reconciliation.

I think the response of so many posters have scared OP away. Instead of supporting this poor man, these people have beaten into submission and frightened him away. More's the pity...he needed our support and users have pushed him away. Shame on them.

Dear Sleepy,

I do hope you are doing OK. You can see from the last page or so here that many posters are worried about you and have chastised some who were too harsh with you, reacting from their own place of pain.

I hope you will come back - there really is support for you here. Or maybe post in the Reconciliation forum or one of the ICR threads.

Take good care of yourself, no matter what.

Best,
Odonna

I feel like people have lost sight of what this site is supposed to be about. I felt more like this was a lynching then a compassionate group of human beings. I’m sure that wasn’t intentional but when people start fighting amongst each other about something that has happened to someone else that is hard to take. Not only are you fighting with your WS at home but now you come here where you should be made to feel safe only to find people are arguing on your thread about your very life that only you can live and make decisions for.

Sorry if that offends anyone but really we need to be better. To do better.

Sorry SHSA If we’ve collectively made you feel unsafe or unheard. I heard you and I felt you. I am the BS of a serial cheater who has chosen to stay. My reasons are my own and I don’t always expect people to understand or even agree with my decision. But I hope people will respect it because I feel it’s what is best for me at this time in my life.

No matter what you decide, I for one can understand . We don’t live your life. We don’t know your WS. We don’t know your family dynamic the way you do. You’ve got an awful lot to process . I always suggest taking a step away before making any big decisions. You were married for XX number of years, so no rush to blow up XX number of years of marriage without taking a moment to think things through and process.

There’s no rush to decide between divorce or R. Now should be a time of reflection and figuring out what you can and can’t put up with , what your line in the sand is and ultimately can you or can’t you see a future with this person. Your mind will probably change more times then you want it to and all of that is perfectly normal. Pay close attention to your WS if you’re thinking about R. Getting her to write out a timeline of events goes along way in Providing you with more clarity. Making sure her actions align with her words.

If divorce is the only option you can see I just want to make sure you talk with the lawyer and ensure she can’t take the kids away somehow and that you are indeed the legal guardian/father of your children.

God bless. Praying for you and especially the children.

Hope you’ve found a way to deal with this.

Just don’t be guilted into doing this for the kids’ sake.

It is far far better for kids to have come from a broken home than have to live in that broken home.

Eating a shit sandwich will give you blood poisoning and eventually kill you.

YOU are the injured party.

No
One
Else.

Make sure you get quality legal advice. In some places you are assumed the father as long as you are married. That may not be the case if you D.

(edited)

Sordid, was OP OK with you sharing information from your private messages?

OP directly asked everyone for their opinions on how plausible his wife's story and perspective seemed because he hadn't yet made up his mind and was trying to make sense of it. To everyone clutching their pearls in offense at the responses, maybe you should offer up your own counter-perspective instead of tone-policing everyone who literally gave OP what he asked for.

People abandon threads for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are mentally processing all the information and just need a break. Sometimes a lawyer advises them not to post because it might compromise their legal strategy. Sometimes people are busy at work and don't have time to read and respond to comments all day. And yes, something people abandon threads because they don't like the responses... but that doesn't make those wrong or inappropriate.

Sometimes, people spend months or years in reconciliation and then come back. How many posts have we seen where an OP disappears, comes back months or even years later, and says: "You guys were right, I should've listened, please help me"? Probably hundreds, if not thousands.

There are some dire situations, and OP's certainly counts, where the betrayed spouse does not have the luxury of waiting 6 months to a year to figure out what they want to do. The legal, financial, and (in many cases) personal safety risks, are simply too great.

In other words, when someone is standing in front of moving train and doesn't realize it, you're not helping him by gently coaxing him or trying to explain the pros and cons of getting hit by the train vs jumping off the tracks. You yell at them to get off the tracks and hope to God that they have the good sense to listen. Whether the train would've stopped on its own or changed tracks before it hit him doesn't really matter. He lost nothing by protecting himself from the worst case scenario instead of standing there and hoping for the best.

***

OP, if you are reading this, one of things you might be thinking that because you love your kids and have raised them their entire lives, you're already emotionally invested and legally/financially bound, so what is the harm in weighing your options about whether or not to try to work things out with your wife? I certainly think that this is your wife's mentality.

What you need to seriously consider is this: Your wife committed adultery and premeditated paternity fraud... and not only doesn't feel bad about it, she expects you to feel grateful for it! What other dastardly things might she have done or is willing to do in the future in order to get what she wants? If someone you love was in your situation, what would you say? Wouldn't you feel both angry on his behalf and frightened for him?

Please know that this is the mindset of the passionate responses you're getting. We might not know you personally, but we see ourselves and our loved ones standing in your shoes. In many cases, you are getting the advice that many of us wish we had been given when we started our own ordeals.

edit;add
As for your wife's offer to sign over everything to you (money, house, custody, etc), do not take that bait. A lopsided post-nuptial or divorce settlement can be easily thrown out if contested in court. You might not even be able to get a lawyer who is willing to draft such an agreement or a judge willing to sign off on it. You also need to consider the possibility that she could accuse you later of coercion (perhaps via domestic abuse) and claim she was under duress when she signed everything over to you. Remember, this is a woman who has already committed fraud and various improprieties in her workplace.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:12 PM, Wednesday, April 13th]