SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m looking for a bit of advice.

Just under 12 months ago my wife of 20 years cheated on me having a 2 month affair. Shortly we will be coming up to the point of the "this time last year"

There will be many points where "this time last year" will be relevant.

This time last year, we started texting
This time last year, we first met up
This time last year, we first kissed
This time last year, we had sex and so on
This time last year DDay

There are so many milestones and it feels like and just going to have to relive them and the trauma all over again.

I have spoken to my wife and she said she doesn’t think that. I shouldn’t think that way. I have said to her, how will you not be thinking that way? She said she won’t be thinking that, but we all know she will.

I feel the anxiety building and don’t know what to do as my head feels like it’s going to explode. I feel the same kind of feelings creeping in that I felt on and around the months after DDay. When I found out about the affair, I kept telling myself it was a fling, it wasn’t a long affair. But I’m going to have to live it all over again and that’s going to be a long couple of months and will show me just how long 2 months really is.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can overcome this or deal with it, or even just a few words from someone that’s been there or living it right now. I have seen that people say that the build-up to the milestones are worse than the days themselves. But I don’t know how I’m going to sit here on the day and the exact time that they had sex this time last year.

My wife and I have decided to make another go of things. We have moved city’s, changed telephone numbers, closed social media accounts in order to limit contact with the AP. Things are hard and I relive and talk about the trauma every single day and there are times where my wife does get frustrated, she will answer the same questions and witness my pain over and over again every single day.

If I’m 100% honest, I’m not sure if my wife is over her AP. She says he means nothing and it was all a horrible mistake. She says she sees the hurt she has caused and just how wrong it was. Are these just words. Is she just telling me what I need to hear. Because how can she have a 2 month affair and state he made her happy and then on the other hand, say he meant nothing to her and means nothing to her and just wants to put her family back together.

Surely if he made her so happy, she can’t just forget him and loose feelings for him over night.

I’m sorry you are facing all of these challenges and having to deal with an affair. I hope to offer a few words of advice.

First affairs do not make sense. They are illogical and fraught with contradictions. The Affair Partner (AP) is usually someone who is a loser. By that I mean they are often a person with issues or problems such as unemployed or alcoholic, chronic serial cheater etc. I’m not saying all cheaters fit this role but it is not uncommon.

The affair happens b/c there are two people who are available and willing to cheat. The AP could have been a thousand other people— just as long as they are willing to be a cheater.

The affairs are built in a fantasy. It’s NOT rooted in reality. No dogs to walk or children to tend to or dishes to be done. It’s not real life.

How can the cheating spouse say they lived the AP then claim they didn’t or don’t? Because reality sets in. They see the affair for what it really was - an illusion.

Think back to when you were dating. You met someone and for a period of time — days or weeks or months — the BF/GF was great. Then things happened and the relationship ended. You saw the person in a different light. At one point you loved them and at the end of the relationship you didn’t love them.

Same with an affair.

The blinders come off and the cheating spouse sees the AP in reality is just not the person they thought.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:07 PM, Monday, February 7th]

@The1stWife

Hello

And thank you for getting in contact and for the advice.

I see what you mean but she didn't end the affair on her own accord. She admitted that the affair would have ended and she never would have left me. But she admitted that she had no plans for it to end.

She told me about the affair and then i asked her to end it. Her words I will end it if you want me too. She did and I believe she has stuck to that.

But I think somewhere inside she misses him. She must think about him. She has told me that should found him good looking and he made her happy. But she say that she hates what she has done to her family, she is ashamed and its the biggest mistake of her life. But he made her happy. I cant forget them words. He made her happy.

I have read forums and people say that in time they hate the affair they hate the AP and they come to look upon the affair as a horrible thing. But she says he made her happy at the time and i think she holds on to that. She says thats not the case and I wanted the truth and he did make her happy. But now 10 months later she says she see the affair for what it was a fantasy but he did make her happy.

It was suggested that you have her take a polygraph. Do you plan on doing that?

You say your wife is remorseful. But getting frustrated, and telling you to move on,and how to think/feel, are not the signs of a remorseful WS.

What is SHE going to do to help you through this difficult time?

Just had my D-Day one anniversary 10 days ago. It was rough. I knew all the dates they hung out and the dates they slept together, even the exact times they were together. Those days were so damn hard. My WH was good and was there for me but this is a nightmare. It's incredibly draining and a constant battle. I hate all of it and just want to run off and forget it all.

His affair lasted 44 days. He liked the fantasy of someone to talk to who didn't know him and had all the first relationship interests with endless things to talk about and no real responsibility involved in it. He has very low self esteem and low worth of self and is very insecure. So he jumped at the opportunity. It must be fucking nice.

He sees it now for what it was, or so he says but I am with you. It's hard to believe a word that comes out of the lying liers mouth. It's a huge mindfuck. Why would be believe them? They are all about saving their own asses.

Anyway, I will say that you will get through it and survive. If you are not in IC then I'd suggest it!

@Felix12306

Im sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what and how your are feeling.

I also most of the time think i want to run away and how I'm ever going to come back from this.

Sounds like your husband liked the attention. My wife liked the AP himself. They have known each other for years, she finds him attractive and as been as he also split up from his wife she seen an opportunity.

Most of what she says doesn't add up at all and must be lies. But then I think, is it a lie or am I just hurt and don't want to listen to the truth.

She will say completely contradicting things such as

The affair ment nothing to her.
Her AP meant nothing to her

But she has told me how happy she was when she was with him.
She told him she missed him
She told him she was missing him
She even said she loved him

But the affair meant nothing and neither did he.

She would say she hates the affair, she has made the biggest mistake fo her life and she wishes it never happened.

But he made her happy and she risked everything night after night to see him

That doesn't sound like an affair that means nothing.

She says things like looking back its like she is looking at someone eases life and mistakes and cant believe she would do that.

Either I'm protecting myself and don't want to hear the truth or she is telling me complete bull shit.

It just doesnt feel like im ever going to get past this

@HellFire

I haven't really considered a polygraph.

I think she is remorseful, but at times she says she gets tired of it all too as she understands it shouldn't have happened but she will answer my questions, which she does but at some point after a year we cant be doing it every single minute of the day.

She is always there to answer my questions, no matter day or night. She is trying to show she loves me and has made a mistake. She has said that she has answered questions that she didn't really want to say as she is ashamed and will hurt me. But she did it because I need the truth.

She has taken full responsibility by saying she made the choice to cheat. She said that we had things lacking in our relationship but she wished and should have spoken to me. She should never have turned to an affair and its no ones fault but her own.

She said she doesn't know how she could allow herself to cheat.

There are many answers that just dont add up though

Remorse means she is doing all she can to help you heal,and heal the damage she has caused.

What work is she doing on herself to become a safe partner?

@HellFire

She says she will never ever do it again.

She has agreed to go to couples counselling and even IC.

She has said she has never ever done anything like this in the past 20 years and she kows she would never ever do it again.

Straight out the cheaters hand book right?

Yeah,well,she said she wouldn't be with anyone again,at your wedding.

No MC. Not until she has,at least,a few months of IC. She needs to figure out why she did this, and work on her issues,before MC.

Many Mc's will rugsweep the affair,and your feelings about it. It does far more harm than good.

Is she transparent? Do you have full access to all of her accounts, and phone? Passwords?

Did she get tested for stds?

Did she drop any friends who knew of the affair?

It's good that she is answering questions.

But I don't see her taking full responsibility. She is blaming you,and the marriage. Of course she should have talked to you about it. But she didn't cheat because of you,or the marriage. She's basically saying the two of you had problems,and that's why she cheated,but looking back,she should have come to you.

Is she NC with OM? Who is he?

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:44 PM, Monday, February 7th]

She says he means nothing and it was all a horrible mistake.

But she say that she hates what she has done to her family, she is ashamed and its the biggest mistake of her life.

She would say she hates the affair, she has made the biggest mistake fo her life and she wishes it never happened.

I commented on your last thread that the affair was a decision she made and you agreed. Is “mistake” the actual word she uses when she talks about her decision to have an affair? If it is you should be clear to her using the word mistake when talking about the free choices she made is an unacceptable obfuscation. It should be stricken from her vocabulary whenever the affair is discussed.

So when's her first IC appointment?

Hey there @p12241342
I'm sorry that you're here. I like what you said about how do you measure Dday, the first conversation, first kiss, first sexual encounter. I am currently in the "mist" of that myself. My actual Dday (discovery day) is in April when she confessed but once I learned the timeline, my ADHD mind goes crazy around this time regardless. The only thing I can tell you brother is to focus on yourself, weather it's hobbies; working out, watching movies, hiking, ect. Whatever activity makes you happy and can distract you will be your best friend. Think of it like a roller coaster, the worst part is the build up. Once your ride is over, u kick yourself for worrying so much over a quick ride.
As far as if shes still lying or holding in feelings for her AP, itd hard to say. As a male BS I would have to say yes. Idk your WS, but a year out of my Dday i found out more details she was keeping from me. Take care of yourself brother. Don't matter how old, out of shape, or fugly you think you are. There are way too many good women out there that want men like us. I know that I will be fine if her and I split. That thought in itself helped me moved forward with my WS. Knowing that I could have be with anyone I want to is freeing and admittedly helps with my self esteem.

I’m sorry your wife is so far removed from life.

I don’t know how you can hear "but he made me happy" and not just want to D her.

Yes my H’s OW made him happy. She also tried to manipulate him to end his marriage to be with her. She was listening to his lies and empty promises and allowed herself to be strung along. He had the freedom to go. But he kept finding "excuses" and "reasons" (lies of course) as to why he didn’t leave me.

But when he ended it he was filled with remorse. He was filled with deep sadness at what he did to me and our marriage.

Not once did he ever say the things your wife said. I applaud her honesty — but she’s not providing any comfort or help to you.

This is a tough road you are on.

So I made a thread once about the word mistake and whether the war on the word was in fact useful. The wise and seasoned posters here completely convinced me that mistake, while potentially correct in the sense of "Having a land war in Russia is a mistake" is being used and said by a person that has a goal to minimize and a history of lying. So anything that removes or minimized what they did in word or action has a lot of meaning. My wife doesn't use the word mistake anymore when referring to her affair.

ETA: The thread in question https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/646948/the-war-on-the-term-mistake/

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:04 PM, Monday, February 7th]

Personally, I think you are trying too hard to forgive your wife and not letting/making her do the hard work to earn your love.
I say, mark those dates on the calendar so she and you can see them. Challenge them head on, but make her change those dates from terrible to good. She stole those dates, so she has to earn them back.
Your WW has said she still has feelings for the AP. That means she doesn't hate who she was during the affair. She just regrets hurting you. She misses when she had her cookies and got to eat them too.
You are only 1 year in. You shouldn't force yourself to heal. She should be plying you to heal. She should have mentioned these days and regret them as they come up.
I'm sorry, you aren't reconciled yet. You forced the reconciliation. You are going to regret this in the near future.
I'm sorry, the end of about 1.5 years is when things get real ugly. You start to really think through whether you made the right decision and feel abused. Then you get cold. We call it the plain of lethal flatness. You stop seeing your wife as ideal and realize she is the lucky one, not you.

This time last year, we first met up
This time last year, we first kissed
This time last year, we had sex and so on...

I have spoken to my wife and she said she doesn’t think that. I shouldn’t think that way.

There are reasons that her assurances that "she doesn't think like that" and her contradictions that "she hates what she has done to her family, she is ashamed and its the biggest mistake of her life. But he made her happy" are painful to you.

It seems that she really hasn't dug in and done work on herself to understand why she was willing to risk so much for her self-centered gain.

She needs to understand her why: the why within herself, as in why was she so self-centered?

Then she needs to work on fixing that part of herself--likely in IC.

Without this, how is she safe? Nothing has really changed. The conditions within herself that allowed her to justify her betrayal have not changed.

She also seems to lack empathy for your pain. Telling you "she doesn’t think that," so, thus, you "shouldn’t think that way" doesn't magically make you feel better.

An empathetic response would validate your pain and dread of these upcoming calendar dates. She would acknowledge that it makes sense that you are dreading these dates, that she is sorry she has created this pain for you, and she would be able to explain in detail what she has done and is doing to work on herself.

p12241342

You have been offered lots of good advice by the posting folks. A lot more are reading and nodding their heads in agreement.

But then, some are nodding their heads and wondering about you.

Posters have pointed out behaviors and actions for you as a suggestion in how to move forward.

The rest is up to you. I suggest you review all your threads/posts and put together a time line for YOU.
A few have suggested some reading material. In particular, Cheating in a Nutshell. You need to read it twice.

Your wife - we only know what you type in these boxes - and the response you get for what you typed is based on the experiences suffered by those who post to your thread. Know that the suggestions offered were "paid for" at a high price. Please consider that cost and how the persons "paid" for their bit of knowledge offered to you herein.

I am of the opinion you should consider separate living arrangements for some time. From what you post, she is not wanting to keep listening to your pleadings and questions. Give her time to herself and see if she is worth more pain. Yes, you will have pain and lots of it. It will slowly dull over time no matter whether your marriage continues or ends. You need to consider that as part of what you must find a place to store and learn how to live with for the rest of your time alive.

As one who must live with the infidelity memory - it CAN work but BOTH of you must work hard at making the marriage something you both want and enjoy. And your 18 year old needs to be considered in how you will move forward.

Question for you: What kind of man are you appearing as to your daughter?

Your car is wrecked - badly. It IS repairable - the question is do you want to live with it after "repair" or do you want to consider getting another? If you keep the car you will always know about the fiberglass putty filling in the body panels and the weakened steel in the frame from the bending. It will never be that same car as before the wreck.

Choice is yours

All of your emotions and fears are very normal at this stage. Sorry to say, time is your ally. But right now you are filled with doubts and pain. I’m not going to recommend you separate or file for D. You are in the reconciliation forum not the D forum. Most importantly, get stronger for you. Do the things that you enjoy and that build self esteem. What helped me most was building my own strength and self image. I knew I would be okay regardless of the outcome of my M. Your WW’s actions over time will tell you whether she Is remorseful and is willing to do what it takes to rebuild your M. Good luck.

Look at it for what it is. Your partner really fucked up. Hopefully they have been very repentant and sorry and are doing everything to make you feel better.

I would tell you to look at this event as what happened. Try not to look at it with anger, resentment or unpleasantness. Look at it as a past event and say three powerful words:

"Can’t change it"

It’s in the past and none of us can fix the past. But we have the present and the future to control and I sincerely hope you take care of yourself to fix your heart and move forward in happiness.

It’s okay. You made it through an extremely difficult life event. You should be very proud of yourself for that. It’s a truly amazing thing you did.

I don’t even know you and I am proud of you for that!