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Please check your local directory for crisis counseling so that you can talk one on one with someone. The day after Dday my FWW was able to go to a free community counselling center and that helped her get through those first horrible days. They may be able to help you find resources for affordable ongoing IC.

If you can't find something local check on the internet and you can find national crisis hotlines.

Keep talking to us here. Your case is extreme but we have been through what you're going through. It is all just so overwhelming at the start. And it feels hopeless sometimes. But it's not hopeless. You're at the beginning of a long hard journey with lots of obstacles ahead. But it can take you back to a happy life if that's where you set your mind to go.

Please take care of yourself and your children. Eat drink sleep.

I’m so sorry for what you are going thru.

Definitely talk with a low cost lawyer. There is potential for lots of money in those hidden accounts that a smart lawyer would take the chance they will be able to get paid out of them.

As for the videos, I crude way of capturing them is to play them on your computer and video record them on your phone camera while they play. Just so you have something before she figures it out and deletes it.

Another way would be if you have a close friend that you’d feel comfortable confiding in them what is happening. If it’s one that she might not know you could have them subscribe for you so you have access to all the chats.

Finally do you have access to her cell phone records. Can you see any numbers she is texting and calling all day? She may be using a messaging app instead, but if you have access to her cell account it would be worth a look.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:22 AM, Friday, February 11th]

This is absolutely sickening what your dealing with, but you need to lift that chin up and keep your head on straight.

While she’s not there pull yourself together and get all your financial papers together, dig around in her stuff, you’ll find more, make copies of everything, take pictures of stuff you find. Even the things on her phone. Do you have family or good friend you can talk to? How about the kids, can they stay with family for a night or two so you can get yourself together?

We are all on here for a reason, just know your not alone. It’s the hardest thing when one keeps all this in their head with no one to talk to about it.

Just absolutely crazy….take care.

Please, you should really consider that she has never been at one of those festivals..

Those festivals are just a diversion.

My 2 cent : she has a double life with another person (maybe the man holding the camera? Did you recognize his voice in different videos?). She earns good money with onlyfans.

Each Time she gets home, she comes back with the minimum money needed to cover her tracks about those festivals.

But this time, she knows that you know. She is currently covering her tracks (suppression of her onlyfan account, but she may create another account with a different nickname). Maybe she is preparing a séparation from you.

And she gives you another diversion ("this time I can do 2000$").

You know what? I think she always has made at least 2000$ with those trips and only came back each time with 200$ to keep you silent. This time she says she can do more money...you should not buy it. It's just a diversion to keep you silent. She may really come back with 2000$, and that will mean that money has never been a problem to her.

You will need to act VERY firmly. She manipulated and disrespected you in many ways. Now you should just tell her that you don't but any of her word anymore. Close all the walls between you and her, and protect your kids. You don't even have to confront her, just tell her "I know" and not say one word more to her.
Prepare a solution in case you need to get out of the home with the kids, you need a plan B.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 7:07 AM, Friday, February 11th]

When I got my nerve back later that night, I tried to get back into the phone but it looks like it's been locked now. There's no way back into the phone that I could figure out.

Around the same time I got a very weird and suspicious text from WW saying "hi, my friend Alex (a girlfriend of hers) left her phone in our house last week and I put it somewhere safe to give back to her when I get back to town, just in case you are cleaning or something and come across it"

So she got that emoji and she's not sure who sent it or how. She suspects the phone was found but she doesn't know by who. She changed her passwords and that has now locked you out of the phone.

She sent that lie hoping that if you found the phone you didn't dig through it enough to find out what was going on. But she probably strongly suspects that you did. She's trying to buy time, hoping that all you saw were the messages from men that you can't tie to her and not the the videos which are clearly her.

If you're friendly with Alex ask your WS where the phone is and offer to take it to Alex. How many people want to be without their phone for days? Missing out on all those dick pics. This would be interesting because Alex may be a good scapegoat because she knows what's going on.

There is clearly a man filming it because he said gross things like "show me your *** honey or show the *** to the camera" I could only watch about 4 minutes and I didn't get to sleep the rest of the night.

This may be an ongoing AP that is doing all of this with her. Maybe even that original AP that the OBS contacted you about. Have you tried to contact that OBS? Is it the same voice in multiple videos? Do you know anyone from her old work that you could talk to about the circumstances of her leaving and anything suspicious going on?

Guess what else? WW isn't coming home this weekend. The festival/show she was selling at has been doing great business so they extended it through the weekend. I asked her how much she's sold and she said around $200. And I said that's not enough money to even pay for gas and lodging, you need to come home and she said that she's sure she can make $2000 this weekend if she stays. She has literally never come back with more than a few hundred dollars from one of these things so I am doubtful she is suddenly going to sell 10x as much as the last 4 days in just 2 more days.

Did she declare this before or after the lie about the phone? If it was after, that seems concerning. I would have expected her to want to rush home and figure out what's going on with the phone. I suppose she could have some big opportunity to make some more money but it's also possible that she's trying to clean things up and come up with a cover story.

$200 vs $2000? Slight difference there. So she's probably making $2k or more per trip and stashing it somewhere while you're struggling at home. Where is this money going? Have you ever seen signs of drug abuse? If not she may be saving it up to run away with her AP.

I guess I am a little relieved she hasn't come home yet because I don't know how I am going to confront her, like how do I even start?

Do you know the objective of the confrontation? I'm assuming that you are going to D immediately. I think that would be prudent given the level of infidelity and the disregard for your health, safety, emotional, and financial well being. You can always call it off or undo it in the unlikely event that there's anything left of the person you thought you knew when it's all said and done. But she is going to need years of IC to deal with this and for you and your children I don't think you want to to stick around and go through that.

So I'm assuming that you just want to get as much of the story as you can for your own piece of mind.

Get a voice activated recorder or a recording app for your phone and be prepared to record the entire thing. Make sure that you children are some place safe at a time when you can talk with her in private. Privacy is best for something this delicate, but make sure you have safe access to an exit and transportation. Put an overnight bag with some essentials in the car or someplace you can get to them. Hopefully you've opened your own bank account. Transfer as much money as you can into that before you confront her. Have all your evidence in a safe place.

Then just tell her, "I know you are having an affair. I know that you are having unprotected group sex with strange men. I know that you are hiding money. I have proof of these things. I will give you one chance to tell me everything that you have been doing from the beginning and why." Do not tell her anything about what you know, how you found out, or where you got your proof or what it is. Anything she says that you know is a lie, just respond, "I know that's not true." You don't have to prove anything or tell her how you know.

Her coming home after the weekend is a blessing. It gives you time to dig more, save evidence and make a plan for how to confeont her.

If you want tips on how to confront her, what type of script to use, confrontation tactics etc just ask here. Many of us can give you tips and advice on this I am sure.

It is important you save the videos. Play them on a computer and record with your phone. You don't have to record them all, just the once where her face, voice and identifiable body parts (face, maks, tatoos etc) can be seen). Record with your phone her Only Fans page too. She will take it down once you know.

I know you don't want to watch the videos yourself but it might give you clues on who the man filming is. Not just voice but also image. He might show a face, tatoo, what type of car he drives, clothes he wears etc.

Look, I think she is making a lot of money doing this. She would not do it unless the money is good. When she makes her 'art' that she is selling, does she do it from home? If not, I would put a VAR and a GPS tracker in her car to track her.

If she asks about the phone again tell her you don't know what she is talking about. Hide it. If you can see a tech savy person who might hack into it for you.

About the money thing.. I don't know how much you can make in porn but if you just play with the idea that these men who are participating are all "fans", they could pay a lot of money to engage in the videos. If all of them payed let guess 1000 dollars each that would make her at least 5000 for five men per video. Add to that subscriptions on the site, private chats etc.. what I am getting at is that you must get a GOOD lawyer. Borrow money from friends and family if you must. Make it your priority.

The man filming is quite likely her affair partner and it would not surprise me if he is also her pimp. He turned her out and he is keeping all the money.

If you believe she is under the control of another person you might want to discuss with a lawyer if you should get law enforcement involved.

That may be difficult to decipher.

What you can quite easily do is create a fake account to access Only Fans and buy access to her site. She only sees your account-name and no back-traceable information (in human: she won’t know its you). Create a non-traceable e-mail address that is used for this sole purpose. Since OF handles the payments she can’t trace you back to your card or anything like that. This is a key-issue: due to security and privacy laws OF will create a firewall between the customer and the service provider.

Only be prepared for the shock and pain.
If you are +50% convinced this will lead to divorce then possibly ask a tech-savvy friend to help and get screen-shots, recordings etc of what’s going on.

This content won’t necessarily give you any advantage in court if this divorce goes to court. However the threat of you subpoenaing financial statements from OF, PayPal or whatever she uses, the risk of the IRS getting their fingers onto this income, the shame of this being entered into public record… this can all be used to get a better settlement for the divorce.

Frankly – A successful OF site can be bringing in thousands of dollars monthly. I’m no expert and I have never been on that site, but I saw a documentary about it some months ago and there were interviews with people making in excess of 100k.

This last advice from Bigger is actually one of if not the best idea I’ve seen on here; Including what was given to me... This covers all basis’...

1) proves the behaviour
2) proves income
3) allows you to confirm 100% that she in fact using the farmers markets as a front
4) allows you know if/when she moves to a different account when she finds out you know ( she’ll let the members know of the change)

As bigger mentioned, the down side is that you’ll have your nose rubbed in it daily, but reality is, once you get your 100% confirmation, you won’t need to check that email again... But the evidence and file logs will continue to roll in for when you need it...

This will be difficult for you to do emotionally, but easy technically... I’m sure you can get folks to walk you through to PMs... Hell, I can probably help you if you’re interested in going this route... Which makes total sense to me...

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AllDespair.

I hope you are OK, and working through this, we all do.

Please look after yourself and know that people are here to do all we can to give support.

Take care.

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by iggyb at 6:01 PM, Thursday, February 17th]

I'm thinking of you too AllDespair. I assume your wife has returned home. How is it going?

You *WILL* get through this. I know it seems impossible right now but I promise you, you will survive.

Still thinking of you AllDespair. I hope you’re managing okay.

Wow - that is awful. My heart goes out to you.

Just another person thinking of you today. No matter how difficult the confrontation is, keep in mind that "there will come a time when this is behind me." That mantra has helped me in some of my worst moments.

How to start the conversation? Just put the phone in front of her and say "Please explain the contents on this."

I sorry, I know how bad betrayal hurts. Each story has it's own unique pain. My regret...I didn't grab the bull by the horns...I tip toed into bringing it up.

As I thought about your situation, if it was mine, I would out it by sending her a link to her video...nothing else needs to be said. I expect she would fall out of view or suddenly make a point to get home.

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 3:17 AM, Sunday, February 27th]