SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feb 11, 2022.

The funny thing is, as I listened to what I caught in the recording and realized what happened, my first inclination was to start mentally noting some effects I was about to feel and how to mitigate them: sleeplessness (PM's and melatonin will help), nervous, uncontrollable energy (get back to the gym), lack of appetite (knock off those 5 or so lbs I put back on since getting out of the workout habit), difficulty in concentrating (write everything down, mentally recite the exact procedure for some common task). I forgot about night sweats until they happened, then it was "oh yeah, this too." Get a few towels, and fresh t-shirts/underwear and stack them in a pile next to the bed. I think those are the worst, esp in the dead of winter.

The next reaction was one of relief. No more spy vs spy, marriage police, or investigations. No more walking on eggshells because I don't want to upset her. Before I actually told her I knew (she was treating me like things were wonderful in our lives for the last few months) she was upset over receiving a box of her late mother's things from her Dad to sort out. It didn't affect me - I felt no sympathy, grief, or sorrow at seeing her upset. When the confrontation finally occurred after her prodding and pushing (what's wrong? tell me what's bothering you), all I did was say his name and the words "I know." She got flustered and stormed out of the house.

I don't have to worry about her anymore. I don't have to feel on edge while she's around, as if I have to act a certain way or make sure I accomplish certain tasks.

As you can probably tell, this isn't my first visit to this forum, but here I come again my friends, looking once more for your care, support and advice. You've helped me before, even though I didn't always heed your warnings or accept your wisdom. This was something I needed to learn the hard way, apparently. I do feel better equipped to manage the road ahead though, perhaps staying through the bad will make the end game less painful.

My old thread is here if you wish, https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=654205&HL=71871

AS far as the latest developments, well something just seemed off. We were getting along a little too well it seemed. She was almost too nice to me. Things that would normally annoy her didn't suddenly. At first I thought she was finally happy. But eventually it nagged at me, and I decided to put on my black sunglasses and trenchcoat and become the Marriage Police again. I VAR'd her car and got the GPS in there again. I went fishing, and I caught something on my first cast.

The recording contained two phone calls - the first was to him, as she was driving out to meet him. They wound up in a church parking lot (really!) for about 40 minutes. She went to his car so I was spared having to listen to that. The next call was to her sounding-board friend who live half way across the country. If the call to him wasn't enough (and I have no doubt I could have found wiggle room in that if I really wanted to keep my blinders on,) then the call to her sealed the deal.

The conversation that eventually happened between us was a familiar story here - primarily gaslighting and blame-shifting. Apparently her affair was my fault because she resents things she never got to do in her life. She didn't go to college and have a wild single life before we got married. And of course it's my fault, and she resented me for it. I told her I refused to accept her idea that her affair was my fault, I had told her a while ago that if she wanted out then let's end it, and she chose to stay. So no, this is all on her. I will accept some responsibility for not being the perfect husband, but I certainly wasn't married to the perfect wife. And I certainly haven't deserved this.

So I'm calling a few divorced friends for attorney recommendations and any strategic advice they might have.

I've finally ready to end it, I've finally learned my lesson.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 1:39 PM, Sunday, February 13th]

Wow. I'm so sorry she betrayed you again. Your gut was screaming, and you listened. You've had four d-Days, you are finally understanding that your wife is a repeat offender and will never change.

Move on with your life, visit the Divorce Forum, those members will guide you through this process.

Thank you.
One of the biggest things I've learned is to always trust my gut.

Wantnomore, I’m so sorry this happened to you again and again. Once I found out my ex was a serial cheater for years, I knew there was no way in hades that I could take him back. Why would I?? So he could keep destroying me?? Fuck that shit.

I am only 8 weeks from dd1 and 3 weeks from dd2, but we are DONE. And as much as his lying, cheating, deceiving has tortured and crushed my heart and soul, I know I that I WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE. He, on the other hand, is a loser of epic proportions...and has to live with being a lowlife, scum-sucking dirtbag for the rest of his life...and plus he lost me - the best thing that ever happened to him.

You will also survive this. She never deserved you. Stay strong and get out while you’re still young with lots of life left to live. I’m also in my 50s...it sucks to get here at this age...but it would suck more if we were in our 80s.

Regardless...you’re doing the right thing by standing up and saying "ENOUGH!"...You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

That feeling when you no longer are walking on eggshells is so amazing. It’s like you had no idea who tense things were, how you were twisting yourself into a pretzel every day to keep the peace but somehow it felt normal. Once that is gone you realize how much dysfunction you had normalized.

The S/D is full of folks who have had to D, whether their choice or not, and you will get good advice. Be sure to read the post pinned to the top.

And this chapter is not the end— the best is yet to come.

You will also survive this. She never deserved you. Stay strong and get out while you’re still young with lots of life left to live. I’m also in my 50s...it sucks to get here at this age...but it would suck more if we were in our 80s.

Regardless...you’re doing the right thing by standing up and saying "ENOUGH!"...You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

Thank you. Your words are very comforting and appreciated.

That feeling when you no longer are walking on eggshells is so amazing. It’s like you had no idea who tense things were, how you were twisting yourself into a pretzel every day to keep the peace but somehow it felt normal. Once that is gone you realize how much dysfunction you had normalized.

I got a taste of it when it first happened, and the first thing I noticed was that I could breathe easier and I felt...lighter? It's cliche I know, but it seemed like a weight was removed. The feeling is gone now, but I do rather crave it.

The S/D is full of folks who have had to D, whether their choice or not, and you will get good advice. Be sure to read the post pinned to the top.

And this chapter is not the end— the best is yet to come.

I have been perusing the D/S sub quite a bit, it does help to read how others have fared in this situation. I also checked out the post you mentioned. I added to that post. Giving voice to my fears seemed to help. Thank you!

Welcome to the D side!

When the situation calls for D, it’s awesome.

I mean let’s be real here. I know this is a pro reconciliation forum, but R is only for those special WS’s who commit with absolute and almost unconditional devotion and resolve. Many, perhaps most, WSs just aren’t up to it. The same character flaws that allowed them to cheat prevent them from succeeding in R.

Those few WSs who prevail in genuine R have my respect and admiration. Nursing and rehabilitating your BS, and yourself, back to health-simultaneously, is a tremendous feat and worthy of a strong second chance, perhaps even a marriage that is better than before the A.

My ExWW wasn’t up to the task. I very much wanted her to be. I thought she would be. I hoped she could be. I gambled that she could be, and I empowered her to be, but you can, and should, only do so much.

I’m divorced now and gladly so. I look back on our 25 year marital past and cherish the many, many good fruits of our marriage, the good times, the memories and-of course, our beautiful children, and keep it all in a special place.

And now, I’m in a new chapter of my life that has also bared much fruit so far. I’m going to enjoy this as long as I can make it last.

Your life isn’t over. Only your old life is over and the pain of its demise is temporary.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:22 AM, Monday, February 14th]

Thank you, RealityBlows. My WW has show she doesn't have what it takes to R, and I don't want to sign up for another A in a few months, so I'm joining the D side. Is there a secret handshake or something I should learn?

so I'm joining the D side. Is there a secret handshake or something I should learn? wink

Yes indeed. It’s a high five followed by a side five then a down low, too slow, bones it, then finished off with a Tinder Swipe Left motion.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:56 AM, Monday, February 14th]

I'm gonna need a tutorial video for that.

wantnomore amd RealityBlows, thanks for the much needed
You're good people.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 7:19 AM, Monday, February 14th]

You're welcome BreakingBad! Without the levity I don't think I'd be doing as well as I am (not).

In re-reading RealityBlows msg, this caught my eye:

I mean let’s be real here. I know this is a pro reconciliation forum, but R is only for those special WS’s who commit with absolute and almost unconditional devotion and resolve. Many, perhaps most, WSs just aren’t up to it. The same character flaws that allowed them to cheat prevent them from succeeding in R.

Those few WSs who prevail in genuine R have my respect and admiration. Nursing and rehabilitating your BS, and yourself, back to health-simultaneously, is a tremendous feat and worthy of a strong second chance, perhaps even a marriage that is better than before the A.

This is SOOOO true. I've read some of the success stories on the R forum and I have to say those WSs' are amazing at what they have undertaken. I so wish my W could do the same, but she doesn't have it in her.

I'm still on the whirlwind of emotions. I've punched a wall (no damage to me or it thankfully!), screamed "FUCK HER" at the top of my lungs in the house (nobody else home thankfully) and broke down sobbing to my best friend on the phone when he called to see how I was doing.

I've fantasized about some magical R that can suddenly happen with her. Would it be so bad if we stayed together? Maybe if I tried a little harder, she would be happy. My head knows this is BS and the D is the right move. I've said it to my Mom, the friends I've told about this, and myself enough times. My heart, though...my heart still loves her, warts and all. I know how pathetic that must sound.

These last couple of days since DDay we've mostly avoided each other, and I miss her terribly. We used to text each other during the day from work just touching base, and sharing bits of our day. She'd call me on a break and chit chat, there were random hugs and kisses at home. All that has stopped, and as I said, we stay away from each other in the house. She's been sleeping on the couch instead of the bed. One of my simple pleasures in the morning was to gently wake her up when our alarm went off by rolling over and rubbing her back or arm and whispering "Hey honey - it's that time..." which was always followed by an almost inaudible "uhhh," which always brought a smile to my face. She hasn't left yet, we haven't split yet, and I miss her already.

I know what I have to do though, I just know that it won't be easy. Please tell me there's a light at the end of this long, dark, lonely tunnel.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 1:03 PM, Monday, February 14th]

So sorry for your pain, but D is truly the right path here. I wish you strength on this journey. That will be especially important when the AP dumps her and she comes back asking for another chance. Dont give it to her. It will only result in disappointment.

Take care.

She didn't go to college and have a wild single life before we got married. And of course it's my fault, and she resented me for it.

This one really takes the cake. I don't think I've ever seen the "you committed to me, married me, took vows to remain faithful to me and provide for me -- and I resent you for that because all of that prevented me from fucking lots of other men." That's a new one. She's a real piece of work and you most certainly are better off without her. Simply let her go off to live her Looking for Mr. Goodbar fantasy. It almost never ends well for them.

She didn't go to college and have a wild single life before we got married.

I agree with Thumos...I mean, I got married at 17 the first time and I didn’t get to do all the partying and single life stuff either...yet it was my husband who cheated! I never missed doing those things...I loved my married life and loved my husband. So that excuse is a crock of shit. Like people always say on here, cheating is a character issue...if someone has it in them to cheat, they will. Those of us who don’t have it in us, never will.

Wantnomore...I totally understand what you’re going through. I miss the husband I thought I had...but I’m realizing more and more that he was an illusion. The husband I loved did not actually exist. And it’s so hard to accept because he presented as so loving and reassuring. We also texted through the day...he would send me random "I love you babe" and it would melt my heart. Or tell me over and over how he’d love me forever. Now thinking of that makes me sob. It’s so friggen painful.

I can’t imagine having to live with her still...mine is gone and I’m sure it’s helping me heal faster. Hopefully you can get her out of your life asap.

Like it’s already been said, you’ve had enough...don’t allow her to hurt you anymore. She’s shown her true self to you...believe her, and move on.

As much as it pains me to grieve the loss of my ex (or at least who I thought he was), and all our shared history, I would rather take a chance with someone new one day than allow him to hurt me again...he is fucked up and I need that out of my life.

Sending you big (((hugs))).

I’m sorry you are going through this again. I have read your previous posts going back to July, 2021.

Your WW keeps putting herself out there for sex with other men. She recently lost her Mom which deeply impacted her psyche and attitude. She has become more desperate to experience all of that “fun” she missed out on. She married young and has been reminded of her mortality. More than ever she wants to get out there and experience the dating/sex life. This is her motivation and thought pattern. It has nothing to do with you. You are collateral damage if you allow yourself to be.

Unless she is really ready to do some introspection and commit to your M, and undergo IC, you will continue to have ddays. Let her go.

Thumos-

This one really takes the cake. I don't think I've ever seen the "you committed to me, married me, took vows to remain faithful to me and provide for me -- and I resent you for that because all of that prevented me from fucking lots of other men." That's a new one. She's a real piece of work and you most certainly are better off without her. Simply let her go off to live her Looking for Mr. Goodbar fantasy. It almost never ends well for them.

Oh it gets better. Our children have had the opportunity to travel and do some pretty cool things with their involvement in the school musical groups. She's jealous (and has said so) of them because she never got to do any of that (news flash, neither did I, not jealous but happy my kids have more than I did.)

I have spent the last 20 years in a fairly popular local band, and I've had the opportunity to play at some pretty nice events. She's jealous of those opportunities, though she discounts the hours of practice and study it took to get in such a place as to be able to do these things. Though I can't tell you how many times she's shared stories with me of people she has met at work who have heard us or followed us, it's like she feels like a big deal that she's married to one of the members. She even had to talk to someone in the doctors office she overheard talking about a gig we were doing that night.

She complains that I left her alone with the kids when I went out playing. Well, I was working, and I came home with money in my pocket. Did I have fun, yes. Playing music in front of people is exhilarating. Schlepping gear, dealing with bar owners, staying on top of timing and crowd reaction are work though. Getting up for work at 5:00AM, working a full day, then gigging and not getting home until 2:00AM made for some LONG days. Also not fun.

But we needed the money because of the house SHE wanted to build. Leaving the group was simply not an option. She worked too, but I made almost as much just gigging as she did working her regular job (which also pissed her off), and my real job paid 3-4 times hers. So I busted my ass to give my family the life I thought they deserved, and what I got was resentment.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 6:53 PM, Monday, February 14th]

Riverz -

I totally understand what you’re going through. I miss the husband I thought I had...but I’m realizing more and more that he was an illusion. The husband I loved did not actually exist. And it’s so hard to accept because he presented as so loving and reassuring. We also texted through the day...he would send me random "I love you babe" and it would melt my heart. Or tell me over and over how he’d love me forever. Now thinking of that makes me sob. It’s so friggen painful.

Me too...

Like it’s already been said, you’ve had enough...don’t allow her to hurt you anymore. She’s shown her true self to you...believe her, and move on.

As much as it pains me to grieve the loss of my ex (or at least who I thought he was), and all our shared history, I would rather take a chance with someone new one day than allow him to hurt me again...he is fucked up and I need that out of my life.

The old saying of "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time" is indeed true. It took me too long to see who I married.

Sending you big (((hugs))).

They help more than you know. Right back atcha (((hugs)))!

fareast -

I’m sorry you are going through this again. I have read your previous posts going back to July, 2021.

Your WW keeps putting herself out there for sex with other men. She recently lost her Mom which deeply impacted her psyche and attitude. She has become more desperate to experience all of that "fun" she missed out on. She married young and has been reminded of her mortality. More than ever she wants to get out there and experience the dating/sex life. This is her motivation and thought pattern. It has nothing to do with you. You are collateral damage if you allow yourself to be.

Unless she is really ready to do some introspection and commit to your M, and undergo IC, you will continue to have ddays. Let her go.

I dug up my archived thread from 2019, there's some sorry shit right there if you are interested.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/641704/my-story-/

I don't see her ever coming around. She needs lots of IC. Had she started it when I suggested it a couple years ago, we might be in a much different place, but she was too proud to admit she needed it.

I asked her last night why she chose to stay if she still felt like she wanted out (I told her to leave last summer if she wanted out) and she said she didn't want to hurt anyone. Well all she did was delay the inevitable.

I came to the same conclusion - if we stay together I'm signing up for another round. I've gotten a couple attorney references and will be setting up appointments soon.

I just don't see a path that doesn't end in divorce, there's really nothing left to work with.

Unfortunately what you got was a selfish, emotionally stunted little girl who for some reason is stuck in her 14-15 year old brain. It is very sad that she is jealous of her own childrens' good fortune.

This kind of person, without intense therapy, will likely not change.

I'm sorry that this happened again - you gave it your best. I hope that your future without her brings you happiness and peace.