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I hear what you’re saying CT. However, I’m again going to take this right now totally out of the context of the A for a moment.

Many men pout, act out, become passive aggressive, and act childishly when they feel that their wife isn’t putting forth the effort sexually. This is not conjecture, it’s how many men are.

What I’m saying is even if OPs WH didn’t have an A, he most most likely would be acting out in the exact same way.

What I’m recommending is to address his issues about sex is it presents itself here snd now. Go to MC.

Otherwise, divorce him. However, if you don’t want to D what are your options other than to address his issues regarding sex in MC?

CT, if you disagree, what are OPs options if she doesn’t want to D?

Her options are to take him back to MC, with the MC of HER choice, and see if he can't be encouraged to GROW UP.

Many men pout, act out, become passive aggressive, and act childishly when they feel that their wife isn’t putting forth the effort sexually. This is not conjecture, it’s how many men are.

I would recommend to any woman who has unfortunately married one such man, that she rethink her choice. It's fortunate that most people can LEARN, but for the ones who won't.. life's too short for that kind of shit.

I don't think that your WH has put in nearly the hard work that you give him credit for.

I'm with Chamomile on every response in this thread. But the one thing that really sticks out is the newborn child care. Are you sure that HE isn't the one with PPD? Because he sure is hell is acting like it. And we are not talking about first time parents, where often times the mother, often of her own choice, puts in the lion's share of child care. From what you have described, the lion has sired another child, and moves on. Where is his easing of your burdens?

I will say this---you are far more invested in the marriage than him. And it looks like you wouldn't even consider divorce at this point in time. I recommend that you do entertain this as a possibility. The sooner that the option of divorce is not some insurmountable demon to conquer, the sooner that your power returns to the marriage. Believe it or not, you ARE in a power struggle in this marriage....you just may not have been made aware of it by your partner.

Here’s to raising a fourth child. Your very spoiled and self centered H.

You get the ILYBNILWY speech

He’s sleeping in the basement

He won’t talk unless it’s in counseling

He’s passive aggressive with you

He’s needs to forgive you 😡😡😡

He’s a demanding spoiled man-child.

I’m not sure you can fix that. Or maybe you don’t really want to fix that.

Here’s my take-let’s say right now you "fix" things and he’s back on track. You get tied up with kids who demand your time. And you started your own firm which demands your time

Are you going to have to live looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life b/c your H feels slighted? The times when other things take priority — will you wonder if he’s not feeling "second best"?

My H traveled all over the world for his job. Longest trip was 3 straight weeks but he was gone every week to some other county. I NEVER complained. I supported him. Funny thing was HE claimed he had an affair b/c I didn’t support him. When those words came out of his mouth I wanted to smack him. I didn’t though. I just got up and walked away b/c there is no arguing w/ someone who has such a distorted view of reality.

Your H is entitled to feel what he feels — however he’s not entitled to make you the scapegoat for his feelings. He cannot pull away from you and then blame YOU!

I hope this works out for you. But he’s the one that needs to change and stop being selfish and he needs to lose the "me me me" mentality. Babies and kids come first sometimes.

It’s called maturity.

Dude67, I do hear your point, not everything needs to be pinned to the a. However in our case I felt that lack of sex or the quality of it was one of his excuses to a. Sex complaints trigger me. My entire pregnancy I made sure to "give/ invest/ in our sexual relationship .( Even if sometimes I wasn't into it) However, now that the baby is born I have zero interest in sex, or in his frustration for lacking sex. I do see his side, how sex is something very much on his mind all day. And because he tries to stay away from porn/ masturbating he'd prefer his sexual experience to be with me. And he's not gonna get that from me anytime soon. I guess he has decided that he's waited enough.
And wants to work on our sexual connection again. Or so he says.

Strange thing though, today is our 13th wedding anniversary, we had a nice day, I guess rug sweeping a bit. I hinted to him about maybe some action, his response was naaa. Not sure how to swallow that.

Camomile- He really is a big spoiled baby. But also is an amazing husband and father when he's not an asshole. Ooof.
For 10 years I wore the pants and was mega bitch with all the power. This a and R, in some way gave him balls, he said he doesn't want to settle anymore, and that he really wants us to have a great marriage.He doesn't want to hide who he is in the shadows.
The power I had grew stronger after dday, but in the past year has shifted, he won't tolerate bitchiness or being called out or being put down or any meanness coming from me. On one hand- good for him but This is a power struggle. And im loosing.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You've been through a lot together, but if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, you probably need to explore discussing things with him. If he's not willing to go to counseling, it would be beneficial for you to go on your own. Hang in there!!!

For 10 years I wore the pants and was mega bitch with all the power. This a and R, in some way gave him balls, he said he doesn't want to settle anymore, and that he really wants us to have a great marriage.He doesn't want to hide who he is in the shadows.
The power I had grew stronger after dday, but in the past year has shifted, he won't tolerate bitchiness or being called out or being put down or any meanness coming from me. On one hand- good for him but This is a power struggle. And im loosing.

I’m having trouble figuring out how to use the quote function so please excuse.

OP - your comment I posted above troubles me a bit. For one, I don’t recommend weaponizing sex in a relationship in general. What troubles me more, however, is this ten year relationship environment you established with your WH where your self description doesn’t paint a good picture of you.

I mean, if I’m paraphrasing you correctly, snd I think I am, you’re essentially telling us that you treated your husband terribly for ten years, and that this set up an environment ripe for his A. Furthermore, the A newly empowered him, now he’s driving the relational bus and R, and you are upset because the mega bitch lost her power over her husband.

I’ll never excuse an A under any circumstances. However, all I can say is wow. I do applaud your honesty. However, I’m not sure you understand that how you just described yourself snd how you treated your marriage doesn’t sound very appealing. At least me me, that is.

Dude, yes we did have an awful marriage. I was a bitch and he was an entitled child. Thing is if you are unhappy you divorce or go to MC not have an affair!
And no. I don't use sex as a weapon. He does. Because you are a without a womb- I think- I don't expect you to understand the hormonal changes of pregnancy and lactation. If he was on medication effecting his libido it would be completely unacceptable giving him shit about it.

Furthermore we established a new foundation, that was healthy interaction and equality. However the new baby and my professional development has shaken the ground, and tipped the scale, where a party is feeling " needs aren't met", and I am here because when " needs aren't met" I fear that history will reoccur.

On the contrary, I completely understand that right now you aren’t in the mood to have sex. I think it’s more the language you use type of thing - sex is completely off the table and that’s that, if I may paraphrase.

I only hear your words and not your WH’s. What I’m saying is that when either party in a relationship unilaterally dictates the terms of intimacy, whether it be you or your husband, that is not a recipe for success.

Yes, you are communicating your needs wrt not having sex right now but it’s a my way or the highway type of communication. Your husband, the big baby, (and I don’t doubt that for a second) is communicating that he desires a change in that dynamic through MC. That is satisfactory communication of one’s needs in my opinion.

Your husband wants a dialogue about this via an impartial moderator snd you do not. Why does he want an impartial moderator? Because you’ve made it clear that there is to be no further dialogue on the subject - sex is off the table so suck it up.

You said that your marriage dynamic has been dysfunctional for a while. Question - how did that start and did one treat the other poorly first with the other responding in kind?

Dude, Im not saying sex is off the table at all. Im just asking for some time. I really really don't abuse it because we used to have huge fights over sex. We both felt mismatched in that field and it has brought us both great grief. So even now, when the issue arises its done on egg shells. He stone walled me, withdrew, ignored,said he lost affection for me and wouldn't answer my questions claiming only in MC. Thats iffy behavior.

And about our bad marriage, I think it's a two way street. Our MC said that because he wasn't ready for responsibility when we got married and had our first child I started to mommy him, when that occured the balance shifted. And only through power struggle I could get him to be invested in the family life and put his share in. Believe me, my expectations weren't unreasonable.
That's also when our intimicy went down the drain. No one wants to have romance with a " child"
I do like that I don't mommy him anymore. Its a relief for both of us.

[This message edited by Toughlove1 at 2:23 PM, Wednesday, February 23rd]

I think two things can be true at once....so I think Dude67 and CT are both correct with aspects of their interpretation of the situation.

He doesn't have to be having and affair to be wayward. He is attempting to use you and make it your fault that he is empty. He can have a real need for more affection or sex. He could be scared, overwhelmed by the new baby...WHATEVER it is. But that's HIS responsibility to fill his cup from a healthy place. He is not doing that. And that's not on you.

If divorce isn't on the table...then detachment should be. You have a newborn, other children and a new business. Your own health and sanity are foremost as you are caring and providing for a tiny and little humans.

Please build your own support system including therapy and finances.

I don't know if he is cheating but I can almost guarantee that he will given his current mindset and his inability to do his own work. I am sorry. Take care of yourself.

I was a bitch and he was an entitled child.

Did you ever think that if you were a "bitch", it might have been because he was an entitled child?

You've got kids and bills and an adult set of responsibilities. It's been a pretty long while, but I remember having my babies and how exhausted I was, and how frustrated, because no matter how much you read, you feel unprepared and full of doubt. The last thing I needed was a grown man, who hadn't bothered to learn a goddam thing, showing his incompetence and making it all about HIM. One example of many... he's an aggressive driver and I remember having to tell him to slow down on the way to the hospital for our scheduled c-section, and him getting all snotty and rude about it. I'd had to point out to him that even though he couldn't see it yet, there was a baby in the seat with me.

I think some of that kind of shit is typical, and people grow out of it. But when it's YOU who's having to do all the adulting while your partner is playing mind games, yeah... you are understandably going to lose patience, a lot of patience. Then, they compound that problem by treating you like a sexual jungle gym, a means of entertainment rather than as a person. Well before the six weeks was up, my fWH was bothering me for sex. It had ZERO to do with attraction or loving feelings. I had a colicky baby and wasn't getting more than a couple hours sleep at a time. Most days, I had to wait for him to get home from work so I could shower. So there I am with my hair standing straight up, still in my nightgown, splattered with baby vomit, and rings under my eyes fit for a raccoon, and he's like "oh baby!"

So yeah, it wasn't about me. It was about getting his nut. And I catered to that demand for DECADES, thinking it was my responsibility since it wasn't like he could go elsewhere, right? But that entitled attitude DID go elsewhere. It was emotionally going elsewhere way before it put him on a Craigslist binge with randoms. Do you see where this is going? It's the ENTITLEMENT which is the problem. It's the childishness which is the problem. Your "bitchiness" isn't the origin of your problems. It's a response.

Don't beat yourself up. You can't cause another person to throw away their own beliefs/values. If your WH had his head on right, he wouldn't have cheated and he wouldn't have thrown this current little hissy fit either. He needs to make changes in order to be someone you might want to have a sexual relationship with. If you aren't making headway with the current MC, you might give some consideration to interviewing for a replacement who will hold him accountable for his lack of maturity and entitlement. You are NOT a jungle gym.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:16 PM, Wednesday, February 23rd]

I must add that this started around the time a mutual lady friend started becoming closer to my WH, they would text a lot, she is mid-divorcing. I noticed she kind of fancied him.

^^^ This is concerning bc if your husband did all the work, he would understand that this is completely inappropriate. He's overstepping boundaries and should not be texting women other than female family members.

Is it possible to place a VAR in the basement? He may or may not be involved emotionally with another woman, but this is a huge red flag.

Chamomile, this morning We had a talk that really brought me clarity. I was complaining that we barely converse during the day, because he's working from home he says he's stressed and can't talk now. Meanwhile he is very active on our friends group, back and forth especially with that lady friend. Its in the open, but jeez how many YouTube videos and gifs can you share.
And he was complaining that we don't communicate erotically.
He said to me" when was the last time you kissed my body, or made an erotic gesture"... He says it's been like this even before we had this baby.
It seems like im seeking the emotional connection and he is the erotic physical connection. An MC would say that one wouldn't work without the other.
My wH is needing more erotica, and I don't know if Ill ever be fully into it.
He tried to french kiss me goodbye this morning and I felt so under pressure. Isn't this a common story among married couples with kids?
My WH doesn't want to settle on meh. And who can blame him...

YOU are settling for "meh". Here's a guy who has cheated on you, told you he doesn't love you anymore, moved out of your bedroom, stonewalled you for answers, and is currently having some kind of relationship with another woman right in front of you. Ugh. He's not asking you for closeness. He's not looking for emotional intimacy and reciprocity. It's all about HIM. The suck part of it is that no matter how you contort yourself, the most likely scenario here is that he continues to put himself first and in so doing, would still be a cheating risk. Read my profile. The "unmet needs" fallacy blew up in my face, spectacularly. Trust it at your peril.

I read your article on unmet needs. Definitely sounds familiar.

Im feeling so depressed.

To him talk about the a is completely irrelevant and old news. Meaning that all the lessons he learnt about himself are dissolving. He even told me today that he disagrees with what I " made him believe" about himself regarding why he had the a. He IS reversing into that mindset. I don't think he is actively cheating, but he is in the mindset that led him to it. Im not sure how to handle the situation.

He tried to french kiss me goodbye this morning and I felt so under pressure. Isn't this a common story among married couples with kids?

OP - You’re right, it’s a common story, and a story that leads to unhappy relationships. Wife gives birth, no longer wants to maintain a physical, sexually fun relationship with her husband, husband withdraws emotionally, wife withdraws physically, and so on.

Your WH tried to connect with you with a kiss in what is obviously his love language. Your response is negative.

I’ve read a lot about this most common dynamic, and I think you might find it helpful to read up on it as well. What I’ve read recommends that if you show you husband physical affection (in his love language of physical touch) it will be reciprocated in kind with him emotionally connecting with you, being nicer, more considerate, less resentful. Your relationship will vastly improve.

Someone has to take the first step. Wives who say hell no, I’m not going to give him what he wants, are cutting off their nose to spite their face. Instead, wives who want to improve their post child relationship need to be proactive physically with their husbands.

This is what I’ve read and what I believe is the recipe for improved relationships, especially post child.

This is not misogynistic or based on male chauvinism. It’s practical, successful, and tried snd true advice.

No its NOT good advice. NO one owes their partner thier body. PERIOD.

How fucking little does he value his wife that after having a baby, helping raise children, running a business that he doesn't understand that her body isn't his damn playground.

Why in the hell would she want to kiss a man who just treated her like crap?

Maybe if took the baby more, cleaned the house more...TOOK SOME SHIT OFF HER PLATE she would have time to feel sexy and want to engage.

Its such bullshit that the responsiblity of keeping the physical relationship going is on HER.

SHE FELT UNDER PRESSURE. Is that how he want to have sex with is wife? When she feel underpressure.

Because if he want to have sex with her while she is feeling pressured then there is a word for that.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 3:36 PM, Thursday, February 24th]

And why is the responsibilty on her to keep the physical relationship "fun" and satisifying for him?

Why is it NOT his responsiblity to keep the relationship emotionally connected?
Why is it NOT his responsibility to keep the household burden off her?

Why in the HELL is after HER having HIS baby is still on HER to make sure her vagina is welcoming to him?

WHy is the wife cutting of HER nose?
Why isn't HE cutting off his nose?

This is not misogynistic or based on male chauvinism

Really? Then what is it?