SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Being a BS, one of the worst things about being betrayed is the humiliation you feel. That humiliation cause pain like no other. Sometimes that pain makes me want to get revenge and humiliate him as bad as I was or sometimes it makes me want to crawl under a rock because my self esteem gets the best of me and I feel like everyone looks at me like it was somehow my fault ( I know it wasn't my fault) or sometimes that pain makes me have days of constant grief because you will always have the knowledge that the person you trusted with your very soul ripped it out while bragging about it. This pain makes me feel so many bad feelings.
One sad realization is that even if you R and trust your spouse again someday, there will always be that hint of doubt in the back of your mind. Some say that blind trust isn't a smart move but still, I miss that peace of never doubting. I miss when my mind automatically believed in him and I knew he had my back before anyone. I grieve so much for the peace. I wonder if it ever comes back? :(

I know exactly how you feel. Sadly, the humiliation has never gone away completely for me. Yes, I am confident now that I was a better man and a better partner than her AP. But the fact that it was possible for her to imagine differently for even a moment is still humiliating. That she didn't care enough for me or our marriage to honor our vows is humiliating. Still.

It's humiliating that after D-day she was entirely comfortable telling friends what she had done as though it wasn't something that she should feel ashamed of. It was like a big romantic adventure that went wrong.

And I too miss that naive feeling of absolute trust in my spouse. Even though she used it to make a complete fool of me, I felt safer when I had that trust then than I have ever felt since. I realize now that during R I was drifting back to that. I trusted way too much, way too soon and as a result I never got all answers I should have. Don't let that happen to you. Trust is something that should be earned.

Being a BS sucks in so many ways, if you D you lose your marriage, if you R you have one hell of a shit sandwich to swallow. You have to learn to accept your partners faults, you have to accept that for a time they really didn't have your back like you have theirs. And you have to live with the knowledge you can never be 100% sure they will in the future.
But you try for R, you swallow the sandwich, you try to trust them, you try to make things better, and so etimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but you try and that says it all. Us BS are ALL serious ROCKSTARS we get back up when the universe knocks us in our arsed and carry on with families, jobs, kids etc. We may feel humiliated at times and life does suck, but we will rise above it. I salute you all.

I agree the humiliation is horrible - it was the very first feeling I articulated when I came up for air after learning of my husband's infidelity. I will say that I am no longer humiliated - and I'm thinking about why I no longer feel that way.

1. Anything you can name as a reason for having an A doesn't work other than a defect in the person who did it. Pretty enough, nice enough, sexy enough, and so on just doesn't work. Why? Because we can name folks who fit all these criteria and yet they were still cheated on. It isn't about us although it happened to us. I am not holding the bad behavior - nor do I need to.

2. The humiliation comes from having other people know what we didn't know, and, having our character verbally compromised by the person who is supposed to have our back. If we think about this, anyone who buys into this crap is just as culpable. I mean who sanctions a person cheating on their spouse and children? What does it say about THEIR character rather than ours? I am not holding these unsavory characteristics - nor do I need to.

3. Loss of trust makes us think we are not savvy with our intelligence. We totally, vulnerably, and wholly gave ourselves to our spouses thinking they coveted that trust and we found out differently. That isn't a test of our intelligence - it is a sign of our capacity to love and trust that was violated by someone of character that didn't reveal itself until it did. I don't have a question about my allegiance to my vows nor my character - nor do I need to.

I have come to be at peace with this - I don't need to own any humiliation but my WS is a different story. That's for him to reconcile. I didn't do anything wrong and with time those in my inner circle see and know the truth. Those that don't aren't part of my circle and/or don't deserve my time.

Livingingrief - I'm giving you big hugs. It is true that our self-esteem takes a huge hit from infidelity and we feel like a spotlight is on us when we enter the world after infidelity. I hope you can find your peace, beauty and strength to realize that nothing you could have done, no changes you could have made, can correct or change the behavior of another. This isn't on you.

Some say that blind trust isn't a smart move but still, I miss that peace of never doubting. I miss when my mind automatically believed in him and I knew he had my back before anyone. I grieve so much for the peace. I wonder if it ever comes back? :(

When a person has proven themselves to be not trustworthy, the smart and correct thing to do is stop trusting them. If a friend stole money from your wallet, you would be wise to either end the friendship, or if you valued the friendship so much you would forgive, then at least to guard your wallet when around that friend in the future.

The same principle applies to cheaters. If you choose to stay with one, you can't expect all of the trust to return. It wouldn't even be healthy if it did fully return, because only denial can cause you to completely lower your defenses after a betrayal.

I hear you, and the humiliation was a huge component in my pain. Early in my discovery, when I told my WH I was humiliated, he asked what I could possibly be humiliated about, because in his twisted compartmentalized mind, his A had nothing to do with me and was not about me. I responded without even thinking that I was humiliated that I didn't marry a better man and left the room.

I still feel a bit of that shame, for choosing unwisely, for trusting blindly, for allowing him to continue the deception and gaslighting and lies and cheating because I wanted/needed to believe him.

With time, I have connected the dots to realize that much of that instinctive shame is deeply rooted in childhood issues, which were also not my fault or a reflection of me, but still internalized because none of those issues was properly addressed at the time. I look back now at my younger self and wonder how differently things might have been had there been counseling or support, and I offer myself forgiveness and grace for what I endured. Instead of allowing the negative feelings to be about me, I have learned to redirect that into anger/disappointment at those who hurt me and failed to protect or help me at that time. It is a similar progression to what I am going through now.

I have come to accept the pretzel logic of my WH and do believe that his A is a reflection of who he is, not who I am, and I carry minimal shame and humiliation now. Part of that was recognizing the negative self talk and learning to redirect. I had to learn to redefine myself through a new lens and let go of my identity as loving wife/perfect couple, because I was very invested in that identity. Focusing on who I am and want to be moving forward has helped shove the negative stuff aside. Another component of my humiliation was the false pride I took in being the relationship goals couple, because I was so smug and so very wrong. I am trying to use this as my most painful and valuable life lesson, and taking nothing for granted moving forward.

In time, I hope you take so much pride in how you have handled yourself and grown through adversity that it casts such a shadow on any humiliation that you don't even remember it was there. Best to you.

I'm right there with you all........HUMILIATION........its a word and a feeling that has come to mind and heart whenever I allow thoughts of the deception to break into my sanctum. I too told my WH I felt that way and he was in disbelief, he said HE was the one who should feel humiliated/shame/disgraced (which he did and still does when he thinks of it).............he doesn't understand the type of humiliation that comes on the side of the betrayed. For me its about looking like a fool, for being taken advantage of and trusting when I shouldn't have. For thinking we had something that we didn't.

I know truly that I have no reason to feel shame, that my husband is right. But it doesn't keep the feeling from existing...

I’m sorry you feel humiliated by the affair.

It’s just part of the crap the betrayed gets handed.

However once you realize it had nothing to do with you (the affair) AND you stop caring what others think, the humiliation goes away.

The anger phase takes over and you realize the lying cheating jerk you married is just that - a jerk.

It’s the issues that the cheater won’t address or face that led to the affair. Nothing to do with the betrayed.

I hope this helps you.

I know the pain of Humiliation only too well. It’s awful as everyone knows. My family, my friends. I even had to tell my manager at work as I knew I wasn’t myself and that I had to inform him as I was not myself, I was depressed and under performing.

But it will ease over time. I keep telling myself that. You have done nothing wrong. Hold onto that.

It will get better, easier, bearable. We will move forward.

Sending you a hug. X

Recently I did not get a promotion at work, one that everyone in my place of business told me I would get "without question." I interviewed with several bosses who I believe have a lot of respect for my work.

I was kind of shocked when I was told I didn't get it, but as I picked apart my feelings over the next 48 hours, I realized that the humiliation was the worst part. I feel/felt so foolish. Because I feel duped by these bosses? Have I been living a lie? Have my colleagues been lying to me? Are they laughing that I even applied? Many, many other employees have been passed over in favor of newbies who are easier to mold, or people have actually been demoted for similar reasons (i.e. not jumping high enough when they say, "Jump!"), so I am in solidly good company. I have an impeccable record and my job is not in danger. And I actually don't think I'm a great fit for this position, but people convinced me to apply. Yet...

I cannot ditch the feelings of humiliation!!! I have been shocked at the parallels to infidelity.

I'm wondering if all rejection brings on feelings of humiliation? I know my colleagues have not been lying to me. I know that they are not laughing at me. I know that I would have kicked ass at the job even though it would not have utilized my strengths. Yet my mind and the underlying feelings of rejection and humiliation are playing tricks on me. I am thinking this happens with all personal types of rejection, but I'm not sure. We need to fight against the false notions that play in our heads. They are self-defeating. I have no idea why we do it, but it seems to be a natural reaction.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:05 AM, Sunday, May 29th]

I had a similar sitch at work once. I actually had a temp assignment in a senior tech position for which I was very qualified. If I did well, I'd get a promotion. I did a great job for 3 months, but 2 months in I got a new manager.

At the end of 3 months, the new mgr told me I didn't get the job because they decided only people who had already been promoted could be in that position. Besides, I was too negative because I was overheard saying I thought the center managers were doing lousy jobs.

I, too, felt humiliated. I had actually been transferred to the center to do the work assigned to the slot I filled temporarily. In that conversation with the new manager I would have done anything to be able to stay in the slot - I really did not want to go back into the pool I had been in. I hated the center, and yet I would have committed to 2 more years there if only they had kept me in the slot. Worse, I was told I would not be the next person promoted in any case, because of my negativity. I was, BTW, the most knowledgeable person in the center and one of the best with customers.

A short while after being rejected by my center's management, I started feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from my back. I started feeling free. I no longer felt any humiliation. I realized I had almost rented out my soul to get a new title and a little bit more money; now I had my soul back.

So if your WS leaves, you may get a similar feeling. You're no longer tied down by your cheating WS. You're free.

*****

BTW, I was, in fact, the next person promoted.

My manager told me I always came into his office with, 'Hey, you know this is happening, and it sucks.' 'I Want solutions, not problems,' he said.

After hearing that, I changed 'dramatically'. I started conversations with, 'George, ... I've got a problem, and I'm not seeing a solution. Will give me feedback and suggestions?' Or, 'Can I run my thinking by you?'

He was always flattered. He always agreed.

Then I'd say, 'Hey, you know this is happening, and it sucks.'

He started seeing me as 'positive', and I got my promotion.

Some managers are so dumb....

My first approach to this was to just own it. "My WW left me for another man." Period. When I found I could say this to another man whilst looking him in the eye, I knew I was on the path to healing.

I've sort of turned it into a bit of humor. Because, in a sick way, it is kinda funny. My ex was half Nigerian. Her AP was also half Nigerian, educated and licensed as a medical doctor, with a specialty in gynecology, who practiced in France before moving to the US. "My ex left me for a French gynecologist," I can accurately say.

My XWH was adopted at age 4 and knew he had more siblings. Add to this that I'm a CSA survivor and he knew.

My humiliation? He discarded me and wouldn't have sex. He reunited with his biological family and the AP is his sister. He gave me grief about my weight for years, and she outweighed me by 100 pounds.

He sexually assaulted his 30-year-old niece. That's when I knew he'd never be a safe partner.

Humiliation? How'd you like to live with the fact that your spouse would prefer to fuck their sibling over you, their spouse? Welcome to my healing journey.

Yes, it does come back. My XWH is beyond redemption. He's going to have a serious change to even be a decent person. Know what? He won't change.