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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Six Year Update

Topic is Sleeping.
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 strugglebus (original poster member #55656) posted at 10:03 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Greetings members of the club no one wants to join. Today, it is CHOICE DAY for me aka the anniversary of DDay, the day I regained the information necessary for me to have full autonomy again. I used to call it "Freedom Day" but it isn’t really about freedom (though I was set free from unknowingly living a lie that day), for me the ability to have informed consent about the bodily risks I am taking on is the most crucial thing.

As always this is a day of reflection and in keeping with my own self appointed tradition, I come back to this little corner of the internet to provide a retrospective of my year.

It has been six years today since the affair came to light. In the past year a lot has happened:

The rough:
My kids lost their first grandparent and my spouse lost his father. It was at the very beginning of the year and very hard.

Our house has been hit by not one but two layoffs (blessedly they were several months apart so not the crisis it may have been)

We all got covid (first timers!) and it sucked. The only person who was not hit hard with it was our youngest who clearly has the immune system of an ox.

The above shot down our planned family vacation for the year.

The good stuff:
I landed a new job that is a much better fit than the company I was laid off from. I am learning a ton and doing work I really believe in! It’s fun and challenging and it feels like leveling up.

We celebrated our 20th anniversary in style by having a weekend away in a town neither of us have stayed in before and it was a blast. We had truly the best time together.

No triggers have come my way in a very long while. The closest I got was a dear friend sharing that she had been recently cheated on and our stories are VERY similar in creepy ways. And even then it was a very mild dull ache - like an empathy pain. No tears, no intrusive thoughts, just a small oof. When recounting certain parts of my tale.

The important bit - the bit that I think is the most crucial to healing from this particular flavor of trauma is this: you can’t make anyone do something they are unwilling to do - good or bad. You can (and should) have expectations/requirements and boundaries but it is up to you to deal with what happens if your partner falls short.

The best thing I did for both of us in the beginning was to let my husband know that I could not and would not live in unending limbo but I was willing to give him a chance to win me back. So at first I gave him six months to get on the right path or fuck off. I didn’t give him a book list or check his homework. I just watched and waited. Our first few years were basically "Goodnight, Westley. Good work today, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning."

Thankfully, I haven’t had to pull that trigger. My life is better with him than without him in it. He makes me laugh and smile every single day. From the outside no one would suspect that the house had been torched to ashes based on what we have rebuilt on the site.

Healing and growing is an ongoing process and one that may never be complete. But I can say that today I am happily married I love him and I believe that he loves me as evidenced by his consistent actions these past 6 years.

Wishing you all strength and fortitude as you walk this path. No matter which direction you go, it’s a hard road to healing.

My past updates if you are in for a read :)
1st antiversary update: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612040

2nd antiversary update:https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=628644

3rd antiversary update: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=641187&HL=55656

4th antiversary: https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=648864&HL=55656

5th antiversary: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/654776/5-years-/

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2557   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 8757121
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 10:50 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

AWESOME update...thanks for sharing smile !!

Thank you for posting this in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread too grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6324   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8757136
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pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 11:06 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Thanks for sharing. We’re eight years out. Just wish I could say I don’t think about it daily. crying

~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~

posts: 443   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2018   ·   location: NY
id 8757137
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Super SB is on the case.

I like Choice Day quite a bit.

I wouldn’t wish infidelity on anyone, but there is quite a bit of power in setting up your recovery and how you want it to look.

If the WS hits the mark, wins the day, great, but if they falter, you will be more than fine.

And apparently, things sound a lot of good work has been done to make the relationship worthy of your invenstment.

Great stuff SB, So glad you are doing well.

Rock on.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4406   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8757141
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 10:54 AM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Congrats Strugglebus! You’ve always been such an inspiration when it comes to reconciliation requirements, well done for all the work you have both put in, separately and together.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1597   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8757177
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:25 AM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

It is great to hear good news from someone I admire so much. You have amazed everyone and your perspective is really so refreshing - honest and helpful. I too like the way you framed this as your choice. It certainly breaks the victim paradigm and shifts the power very nicely. I wish others who are early on their journey could really integrate this and start to live it for their own benefit.

You've also pointed out that life certainly brings a lot of activities that sting us and hurt us and yet we can be resilient. I remember correctly that you had a double betrayal and I couldn't understand how in the world you recovered from it. I look at this post in awe as you have not only recovered but have taken your life to the place you need it to be.

Your posts helped me so much and I'm glad to see that six years out you are doing so well. You are a badass.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2834   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8757179
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:21 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

SB— great update! You are a strong, inspiring BS role model on how to take back your power.
Well done!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5103   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8757247
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 strugglebus (original poster member #55656) posted at 9:57 PM on Thursday, September 29th, 2022

Thanks for the well wishes friends! Things around these parts have been difficult (regular life difficult, not affair difficult) this year. One particularly bright spot in that is it has allowed me to see more examples of rock solid proof that my spouse has done a lot of self work and growth and it is paying off. One of these happened this week.

He has clinical depression which he is medicated for, so when situational depression hits him it hits hard. Situational depression rose up this week. He expressed his feelings to me and he was down for about 3 hours before picking himself up and moving forward.

In a show of my own growth, I didn’t try to fix him or push against his depressed thoughts even though they were verifiably not based in fact. I gave him a kiss, let him know I loved him and that I am happy to do anything I can to help him feel better through this time and then left to do a needed errand.

By the time I returned he had cleaned up a neglected corner of the garage and prepped dinner. He came to me thanking me for the ways I have already been supportive through this very rough year and was able to rationally discuss what had triggered the depression and how exactly he was going to work through it.

This is a BIG deal. This kind of depressive episode in the past would last days or weeks - sometimes months long. He would rabbit hole into his own depressive thoughts and wouldn’t be able to take in any information no matter what.

Six years ago this would have completely taken him out for the day and I would have been derailed completely trying to run around looking for a solution. Seeing that cycle broken like this is a good thing indeed.

BS -DDay: 9/26/16- Double Betrayal

Happily reconciling.

Be True to your Word. Don't take things Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Do Your Best.

posts: 2557   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2016
id 8757564
Topic is Sleeping.
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