SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been here forever. And I debated whether to post here or in General. I don't know if we have ever truly reconciled or simply become complacent.
I'm not going to rehash my whole story...my H is a bipolar sex addict, mostly porn that escalated to strip clubs and EAs, lots of flirting and nasty porn. I've had therapy and nauseum. I understand why he went that way, his mental illness, childhood sexual abuse, FOO issues set him up for this method of coping. I wouldn't say he's cured, but ongoing therapy helps him along with medication and fear that he'll lose his family at 71. I don't think he's using porn but he could be. I have no reason to think he's doing anything in RL, we are rarely apart.
But all those years he treated me terribly. I was the scapegoat. I did nothing right. I spent all my energy trying to fix all the things that he claimed I did wrong. I neglected my kids, myself. I fixated on it. I convinced myself that he didn't mean to treat me that way, that he was stressed by his career challenges. I was the proverbial frog in the pot, gradually getting used to increasing abuse coupled with periods of love bombing.
It was trauma. Repeated trauma and it mimicked my own childhood trauma.
I am a healthy person with a TON of auto immune issues. I just know they are a result of repeated trauma. I am an optimistic person, capable of finding beauty in a cloud, in a single autumn leaf, finding joy in being in the in the moment, especially in the blessed times I spend with my precious granddaughter, with my lovable cats, in my beautiful back yard.
But I am so incredibly, insanely, enormously ANGRY! I was cheated out of my story, cheated out of a normal sex life, cheated out of the experience of loving and being loved by a partner even while I THOUGHT I was building a life together. I sleep terribly, and when I lie awake, all the angry thoughts come to the forefront. I react when he compliments me, thinking about the nasty insults he threw at me, the many criticisms he was quick to list, etc. The lizard part of my brain is still in high alert.
I scheduled my first EMDR session with a therapist who comes highly recommended.
I'm finally doing something for me.

YYYYYAAAASSSS GIRL! This is great. That anger is deep down inside and has made itself cozy down there- so glad you are working to get rid of it. You deserve this.

So happy for you and proud of you! I hope it is helpful for you. You deserve health and happiness!

Lionne, I read your posts and think, 'The author of these posts has to be a lovely person.' I'm very glad you're doing this for you, and I hope it works out better than you even hope.

I too read you posts and I second that you seem like a lovely person. I am so happy you are doing this for your self!

I hope it facilitates so much healing!

Good for you.
There are a few times in life I have done something totally (what I believe was) selfish always was 1000000% worth it.

Lasik for my myopic ass, was awesome, and still at 52, rarely need cheaters as one eye is tuned for distance, and one is tuned for near, and the surgeon predicted I would be late in needing them.

Hysterectomy - I fought for this one, but I was done with the parts, and they were malfunctioning like a cheap TV from Kmart. Such a great choice, I bought all new sheets and panties after too.

My most recent foray into weight loss program/surgery.

I'm proud of you. You deserve to be perfectly happy and content in life.

Damn, Sisoon, now you've got me tearful. That's so nice to hear. And I feel the same about you!
Yep, Tush. I can't say I don't do stuff for me, but this is really a big step, not only the making the appt, but being brave enough to actually face the memories head on.
I hope my expectations aren't unrealistic, I know to be patient and open minded.
Thanks everyone.

Good.for.you! EMDR helped me immensely. Take care of you while you're going through it. I'd liken it to emotional chemotherapy. About two days after a session, I would LOSE it emotionally. It kind of makes you feel worse to make you feel better.

Well done for putting your healing first.

Lionne,

I do not post very often but I wanted to encourage you on the EMDR. I fairly recently started EMDR, and it has done wonders for me.

I totally understand feeling VERY ANGRY.

My former serial cheater wife and I have been truly reconciling over the past five-ish years. Prior to that, I would say we were simply staying married, mostly due to our kids and fear. We have been married for forty years ever since we were 18 years old.

My wife hid two of her affairs from me for decades, kept the details of her third affair from me for about a decade and a half, and treated me like crap until about five years ago. Even then, she was still pretty awful until I decided to divorce her about two and a half years ago. She talked me out of that and radically changed and has become an excellent wife and support for me.

So even though I have been in a much better place over the past roughly two years due to her complete change and consistent excellent behavior and loving attitude, I still had very negative intrusive thoughts that would happen randomly throughout the day and torment me in nightmares when I tried to sleep (mostly unsuccessfully).

When I told my therapist that there were a few negative intrusive thoughts that I could not shed or easily work through when they occurred, she suggested EMDR. (She was already considering it because I have major CPTSD from being horribly physically abused by my parents throughout my childhood.)

In each EMDR session, we dealt with one separate overwhelming and recurrent negative intrusive thought. We have now dealt with each of them that have tortured me for decades. Each one is now GONE. I do not get these thoughts at all anymore, except when I think about not thinking about them anymore. And even when I do that, I do not have the same emotional reaction anymore. It is more like "meh, that does not bother me anymore."

Therapy in general has been huge in my recovery. I also started Zoloft fairly recently.

With the therapy, EMDR, and the Zoloft, I now feel like a new person. I am no longer as anxious. I sleep better. I no longer have nightmares. I am not constantly on a daily basis plagued with extremely difficult negative intrusive thoughts. I never would have believed this was possible.

Different things work for different people. I hope the EMDR works for you as well as it did for me, and that you get whatever other help you need.

Also, I agree that you totally seem like a very lovely person, and I would add quite amazing for having the strength to hang in there.

Best wishes to you!

[This message edited by BetterNowReally at 5:44 PM, Wednesday, October 26th]

Thanks for that encouragement! I'm going to trust the process...there are SO MANY incidents that intrude on my memory. I sure hope I don't have to deal with each and every one separately. But she's the expert, I'll leave it to her.
I had to tell my husband I'm understanding this and why. It's costing a fair amount out of pocket. We can afford it, but I'd would never spend that kind of money without an explanation, it's just not honest. He can't fix this. But he did ask to read the book "The Body Keeps the Score." It may be useful to him, he who experienced childhood trauma and believes it's somehow his own fault. He is clearly on the autism spectrum in terms of recognizing his own and others emotions. That's another story.

I don't doubt that EMDR will help me. I have that, possibly unrealistic idea that my physical ailments will improve. That's just me trying to find a fix for possibly unfixable things.
I will continue to count my blessings and find joy in every day.
I appreciate all of you chiming in. I'll keep you posted!

Let us know how it goes.
Be proud of yourself for taking action for your own needs.

I don't doubt that EMDR will help me. I have that, possibly unrealistic idea that my physical ailments will improve. That's just me trying to find a fix for possibly unfixable things.

I am no expert, but I can share my personal experience. Once my anxiety decreased, my nightmares disappeared, and my sleep improved, my physical health definitely dramatically improved. I am less tired and have less GI issues. I feel better overall as well. I think it is mostly due to the EMDR, but the therapy sessions and the Zoloft have helped a lot as well.

I sure hope your physical ailments will improve or even disappear. I think it is possible as it happened for me. I know everyone is different and responds differently to different modalities, but I think you should maintain your positive attitude and continue to believe it could work. And do not give up if it does not work overnight. Honestly, it did for me, but I may be an outlier.