I do not post very often but I wanted to encourage you on the EMDR. I fairly recently started EMDR, and it has done wonders for me.
I totally understand feeling VERY ANGRY.
My former serial cheater wife and I have been truly reconciling over the past five-ish years. Prior to that, I would say we were simply staying married, mostly due to our kids and fear. We have been married for forty years ever since we were 18 years old.
My wife hid two of her affairs from me for decades, kept the details of her third affair from me for about a decade and a half, and treated me like crap until about five years ago. Even then, she was still pretty awful until I decided to divorce her about two and a half years ago. She talked me out of that and radically changed and has become an excellent wife and support for me.
So even though I have been in a much better place over the past roughly two years due to her complete change and consistent excellent behavior and loving attitude, I still had very negative intrusive thoughts that would happen randomly throughout the day and torment me in nightmares when I tried to sleep (mostly unsuccessfully).
When I told my therapist that there were a few negative intrusive thoughts that I could not shed or easily work through when they occurred, she suggested EMDR. (She was already considering it because I have major CPTSD from being horribly physically abused by my parents throughout my childhood.)
In each EMDR session, we dealt with one separate overwhelming and recurrent negative intrusive thought. We have now dealt with each of them that have tortured me for decades. Each one is now GONE. I do not get these thoughts at all anymore, except when I think about not thinking about them anymore. And even when I do that, I do not have the same emotional reaction anymore. It is more like "meh, that does not bother me anymore."
Therapy in general has been huge in my recovery. I also started Zoloft fairly recently.
With the therapy, EMDR, and the Zoloft, I now feel like a new person. I am no longer as anxious. I sleep better. I no longer have nightmares. I am not constantly on a daily basis plagued with extremely difficult negative intrusive thoughts. I never would have believed this was possible.
Different things work for different people. I hope the EMDR works for you as well as it did for me, and that you get whatever other help you need.
Also, I agree that you totally seem like a very lovely person, and I would add quite amazing for having the strength to hang in there.
Best wishes to you!
[This message edited by BetterNowReally at 5:44 PM, Wednesday, October 26th]