SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Okay, I have been thinking about this for a few months on and off. And for those of you that are very serious, thos is tongue in cheek.

Infidelity isn't a criminal offense in western countries, but there are consequences, albeit they vary. Now,my country is not very litigious and damages awarded are usually much lower than the US in civil litigation.

I have been engaged in a thought experiment of late. Had I decided to stay in my M, would I have asked for compensatory damages for my WW'S A? We routinely give them punative measures: move jobs, open phone, checking in, etc, but what about compensatory damages? And yes, I realize nothing can make up for an A, but they got something out of the A, why not get something out of them? Besides,nothin from nothin is nothin...as they say.

While I was trying to R, I made it clear that anniversaries and valentines days were a thing of the past. Maybe, just maybe she could earn her way back to valentines days one day,but for now, nope. Both of those days were now and in the future, to be known as "do whatever the hell I want days", on her dime of course. Weekendvat Vegas...her dime. Fishing in Haida Guai...her dime. A relaxing spa day getting my ass waxed...her dime. But my real regret is not getting her to buy me a Harley as a token gesture of her contrition. I could ride it to clear my mind and payment therapy is invaluable. Plus, as a gift, it wouldnot be counted as shared marital property. And the added pleasure of knowing that she was paying off my motorcycle each month....priceless.

Plus I would have a Harley.

So what would you have wanted?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:31 AM, Tuesday, November 29th]

A Harley? That made me laugh. People have asked about my screen-name, and here’s the response that has been in my profile for 10+ years:

My Screen-name? Someone asked how I got my screen name? Well, I figured if my wife could have her mid-life crisis, then I'd have mine -- so I went out and found a 21 year old German with amazing curves (a Porsche Carrera). She's a beauty, and a lot more fun than my wife some days :)

Justsomeguy: In the UK, recognition of the destructive nature of an affair was, in the past, part of the legal code, and damages from the male AP could be awarded for " loss of consortium. In other words, he took your wife's sexual access away from you, and the court would, on proof of this loss, direct the person who is boinking her to recompense you monetarily. Of course this is an anachronism now that no fault divorce is the legal standard. But xi do like your idea.
The surgeon who had an affair with my wife was a wealthy man, but a real cheapskate in many ways. He rarely spent money on my wife, and kept his screwing of her to a small apartment-like set of rooms on the hospital premises set aside for doctors to rest while on call. All of this was kept secret by my wife and I refused to believe the tell tale signature clues that she wss having an sffair. Revelation only came fifty years later when she confessed everything to me. Not surprisingly her affair partner is deceased, he was I believe eight years older than my wife and died of an aggressive prostate cancer. Kind of ironic so feel given his sexual proclivities with willing young nurses at the hospital. Had I known I would have sought some degree of satisfaction by seeking to have his medical license to practice in California revoked on the grounds of moral turpitude and sued the hospital for damages since the affair which produced a child occurred in hospital ptemises. I too could have had a really good payday if only I had followed my gut instinct that she was cheating with a doctor who was a fellow employee. I now see too why my wife never protested when I indulged myself with two sports cars in the 1980's...A Jaguar XKE and a red Mazda RX7 sportster. She was feeling guilty and glossed over my self indulgence.

Some American states now recognize civil claims for "alienation of affection". However, unlike the old British law you cite, which was based on the notion that a wife's sexual access was a husband's property (in other words, the claim against the AP was based on a taking of a property interest), "alienation of affection" laws are a bit more subtle and difficult to prove.

When we got married, our understanding was that couples merged finances unless they were wealthy. Even if we had kept finances separate, spending her dime or mine would have affected both of us.

I understand buying a gift for oneself, but I already had what I wanted and more than I ever dreamed I'd have (I have simple wants). Personally, Porsche's don't do much for me, though an E-type Jag would, if only I thought I could keep it on the road. (Brit cars of that time were known for their unreliability.)

I've never been able to imagine compensation that would have given me any satisfaction other than being either an obviously good candidate for R and following through or being an obviously lousy candidate so I could have cut my misery short.

Sadly, and I've thought about this over the years plenty, there just isn't anything.

Although the only [dark fantasy alert] thing that would come close is WH presenting her head to me on a silver platter a la CreepShow.

I thought of the ap and ws having to pay for medical care, therapy and lost shared money to bs. I dreamed of health resort trips in the countryside where bs gets to heal and go to stress reduction sessions, eat glorious food and health shakes, lay in Arcadian mineral baths while musicians soothe the spirit.

Ws got themselves indulged, why not bs?

Actually I wish we all could go to such a place so there would be less problems all around.

I wonder if cutting off privileges to ws does any good or just feels to them like something to resent bs for. I believe in freedom. Maybe it's freedom to keep being destructive in the ws mind. For some it is. It's about self awareness and self control.

When I was married to xWH, we had merged finances so this wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I don't merge finances anymore; I think it's important for many, many reasons that everyone has access to their own money and shouldn't be accountable for how they choose to spend it as long as they are meeting their agreements about household bills and any shared savings goals.

If DH cheated on me, would I want financial compensation? No, I don't think I would. The "gift" would remind me every time I looked at it of what he did. Also, that whole philosophy reminds me of keeping score in a relationship, which I personally believe is toxic and unhealthy.

I think the Beatles have it right- Money Can't Buy Me Love... or even temporary satisfaction. It'd be Tainted Love.

Some additional thoughts: I'd like to think that most people who are taking the measures you described in the OP are not taking them as punitive measures. Punitive means it's for punishment. I don't think BS generally ask for phone access, changed job etc as a punishment but as a way to create an environment where the BS feels safer. I believe that once you've crossed into actually attempting to punish your partner (and I don't mean a loss of control or two, I mean genuinely deciding they deserve to be punished and you should be the one to decide to mete it out) that the relationship is beyond repair because now you're introducing additional toxic power dynamics. I see that being almost as harmful as the affair, honestly. Maybe that's what the BS would be going for. But what's the point of R then if you just want to burn it all to the ground? Save the energy and move on with your life.

[This message edited by PSTI at 10:38 AM, November 29th (Tuesday)]

In Canada, gifts are the sole property of the recipient snd not included in the marital assets. Thus, my Haley would have been 50% off. And 5ish years out, I can honestly say that it would not have been a reminder of her A. It would have, however, put a big fat smile on my face everytime I rode it and not her...

So what would you have wanted?

After DDay, I insisted on acknowledging all important dates such as anniversary, birthday, holidays... As part of that I wanted a nice gift from him. It was my way of reclaiming our relationship and reclaiming his attention + affection. Over the years he bought me many things, not just for important dates. He regularly takes me shopping, buys something I like and want, pays for stuff… I’ve never thought of those as compensatory damages. However, after reading your post, I gotta say it makes a lot of sense. The best thing is, I get to enjoy those gifts guilt-free, without feeling I should give something in return. Nothing can make up for the betrayal, no amount of money spent on me will ever be equivalent to the loss I suffered. However, that doesn’t mean it’s pointless to keep on trying to compensate… I’ll keep that in mind while making my Christmas wish list

As for your question – can’t think of a specific thing I might want, but I’d never refuse BJS – bags, jewelry, shoes

In Canada, gifts are the sole property of the recipient snd not included in the marital assets.

Right. I was making the assumption that this was for relationships in R.

For D? I don't know but I think I still stand by the idea that people shouldn't get punished for being assholes. I know it can be horrifically unfair financially sometimes that the cheater gets rewarded... but I just can't see awarding damages honestly. I could see recouping funds spent on cheating as reasonable.

sisoon - Personally, Porsche's don't do much for me, though an E-type Jag would, if only I thought I could keep it on the road. (Brit cars of that time were known for their unreliability.)

When the crap hit the fan for me decades ago, one of the first things I did was go out and purchase the first Triumph TR-6 I found. I was thinking it would be a distraction for me, and maybe on some level impress the girls. And it did land me a least one afternoon drive with a lady and we split the time between the TR-6 and her Fiat Spider, with tops down of course (oh.. to clarify, the tops of the cars.. ).

Anyway, to the point, I was 150 miles from home on an assignment and the wiring harness burnt crisply out that TR-6. And insurance ain't gonna' cover an electrical short. Never mind that I saw flames!! Insurance still didn't buy it..

In any event, I learned the hard was that British cars were not to be relied on!

My next one will be a Porsche though...

Honestly, I never thought about any damages I would get from the affair from my WW. At the time of DDay and right after, I was doing what I can like many of us do to just save the marriage and my family. At that time, I would probably have been swayed to pay something just to keep my family intact, with major regrets later for sure.

Now that I'm 5 yrs out, man, there is not compensation that will ever make up for the affair. But tell you what, if my exWW never cheated, I would have never have found my current spouse. She is a 1000x better and I'm in such a better place. I don't feel like I owe my exWW a thank you for cheating on me, but if not for her shady behavior, I also wouldn't have been in the better position that I find myself in today.

My relationship with my kids are wonderful. My new wife is awesome and miles beyond what my exWW was and is. I no longer have to deal with shitty inlaw/family from her side who are trash. I liked her dad, but he has shown me who he is after DDay and I'm so much better of without that crowd around me and my family. They are like the swamp, and the affair allowed me to drain them from my life.

There is never anything that can make up for the affair, but I won. There is no question, and everyone that knows us, knows that too. That's worth something.

Her, well... she got what she wished for right? She ended up with a cheater whose cheated on his pregnant wife to be with my ex. She ended up with a sex addict, ED, multiple cheating offense narcissist. And that's the score.

Adolfo - I love that story. Ironically, the car I always wanted to have was a Triumph. Always assumed the Porsche was out of reach, until one landed in my lap. I'll still have a Triumph some day :)

WhiteCarrera

Adolfo - I love that story. Ironically, the car I always wanted to have was a Triumph. Always assumed the Porsche was out of reach, until one landed in my lap. I'll still have a Triumph some day :)

If I still had that TR-6, I'd gladly trade you for the Carrera. Otherwise, I'll probably have to wait until I sell some sentimental real-estate...

[This message edited by Adolfo at 7:41 AM, Saturday, December 3rd]

I laughed, too, Adolfo.

My brother bought a British car in the early '80s. He traveled 8 hours from home to see us not long after buying it, and he just made it, because his electrical system gave out - this was after putting a couple of hundred into the electrical system before he left on his trip. When he made it to his ultimate destination, it needed more electrical work.

My first car was British, too, a late-'50s version with the MG 1500cc engine. Rear main oil seal leaked. It needed a quart every 100-150 miles. One guy tried to fix it; no success. Others said I'd be better off buying oil by the case, which is what I did. I lived 2 quarts from W2b.

Aged 22, I paid twice as much for insurance as I did for the car.

I've got the best thing I could have ever gotten from this mess and that's peace of mind and freedom from the Ex... priceless lol

WH will never earn enough money to pay me the amount his lying and cheating has cost me.

Now, I would be happy if jail time was given to adulterers.

Just imagine the cheaters in their orange jumpsuits

sisoon

Aged 22, I paid twice as much for insurance as I did for the car.

I was 27. Probably old enough to know better.. A new wiring harness cost half what the car did, and I sold it four years later for less than what the wiring harness cost. Couse, it wasn't running at that point. It was also after I had started to reconcile with my now wife (ex fiancée at the time), so I guess I didn't need it anymore as a substitute..

Take it from a Brit, albeit now a US citizen, who has owned multiple British cars over five decades: They are often beautiful looking vehicles, but as in the case of many spouses, they fail to function reliably and consistently and cause high levels of stress when they break down , and in addition cost exorbitant amounts of money to maintain. I sold my 67 polar white Jaguar XKE, a stunningly beautiful car with curves a woman would envy and a long phallic hood when the dealer informed me that the cost of a replacement muffler would be $750...I laughed and told the dealer that I wasn't looking for a gold plated tailpipe and had Midas install a $49.99 muffler and tailpipes. This was in 1983. The best car I've ever owned? That was a 1965 blue two door Plymouth Satellite sport coupe with a tuned 318 cubic inch V-8 and four on the floor. My Japanese rotary engine RX-7 red sport was incredibly nimble, and capable of amazing speeds. I drove Los Angeles to Las Vegas several times taking it it up over 120 mph, however the downside of this gorgeous car, wss its engine's unquenchable thirst for gasoline. That said, I would jump at the chance to own a Jaguar XK-120 or XK-150 or Sunbeam Tiger if I could find s reasonably priced well maintained version of either one.