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Reconciliation :
WH’s AP was arrested and fired from her job

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

Just noting I am terrified to post this because AP is a social media stalker,

But I need some feedback from The SI community.

We are 3+ years out from dday. WH had a 6 month EA and PA with the co worker that he hired and trained. WH found another job to get away from AP but eventually resumed the affair. WH confessed to EA on dday. (Insert eye roll here). I kicked him out of the house that day and fell apart. WH continued to see AP because as he said "no one wanted anything to do with him after what he had done". All he had in his life was AP. And she liked it that way. It didn’t take long for WH’s affair fog to lift. In the end he said he would rather be with no one than be with someone like AP or who he was during his affair. We began talking and agreed to attempt reconciliation. We have done IC and CC. For us it helped a lot.

I have held my WH responsible for his part in the affair. He and I both have worked very hard to get to where we are today.

As the title of the post says AP was arrested 2 weeks ago for stealing and fired from her job 7 days later. She is here on a student Visa. I don’t know what this means for her. I am hoping she gets deported but I don’t know what the rules are. My entire family has been watched and followed by this person. During their affair AP would mention things about my family to my WH that she would have no other way to know about. She has driven past my home and parked for hrs to make sure my WH didn’t return home and talk to me during our short separation after dday. She joined the church my daughter goes to and infiltrated in as many ways as she possibly could.

WH was pressured by his boss to hire "somebody"and then tasked with training this person to do the job. The same job she lied to get. The same job her references couldn’t be verified for. Admittedly he says he should’ve gone to his boss and had her removed from his team but in his own words he "was a dumbass with a terrible moral compass back then". I agree!

Please don’t think I am not holding WH accountable. I promise I am. He is doing everything right to fix everything he did wrong. Our marriage is very different now than it was before and during his affair. WH’s IC told him during their first session that he is emotionally immature. Well yeah I agree with that too! So sorry I wrote a book here. If you stuck with me to the end, thank you!

[This message edited by Loyal2Afault at 5:40 PM, Thursday, January 19th]

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8773891
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:00 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

Hi Loyal2afault,

Welcome to SI! I understand your hesitancy to post, for a while when I first arrived here, I would scrutinize every post and try to make out whether the OW or her husband was behind it. I felt OW had infiltrated my life so thoroughly, I refused to let her read my innermost thoughts and I certainly didn't want her knowing about any doubts I had in whether my marriage would survive.

It's not clear from your post what you are looking for feedback on.

If I understand correctly, D-day was 3 years ago and AP was arrested 7 days later. She was a former co-worker of your WH's? Was the job she was arrested/fired from the same job he was at?

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2123   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8773897
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

I'm a little confused about the timeline as well. Has AP been stalking and harassing you now, or did this happen 3 years ago? When did she get fired and how did you find out about it? smooch

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8773899
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 5:20 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

I’m so sorry I wasn’t clear. Dday was over 3 years ago and reconciliation just a little over a month later. AP has been out of our lives ever since. I do searches for her. Not proud to admit it but this woman has made me fearful. Lo and behold yesterday I type in her name and up comes a freaking mugshot of her. She was arrested two weeks ago and fired from the job 7 days later. I showed WH and cannot begin to tell you how validated I feel. I just want to see if anyone knows the rules about someone who is in the US on a student visa and gets arrested for theft of something less than 2k. I think it’s called petit larceny. What are the chances she gets deported? Honestly I just want her out of MY hometown. The workplace is also close to my church and my moms house.

[This message edited by Loyal2Afault at 6:04 PM, Thursday, January 19th]

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8773900
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 10:30 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

I just want to see if anyone knows the rules about someone who is in the US on a student visa and gets arrested for theft of something less than 2k. I think it’s called petit larceny. What are the chances she gets deported?

Depends too much on the locality. Immigration and those that handle criminal cases are usually totally separate entities. In the US, I doubt most places even notify INS for something minor. Then there are cities that actively work against INS even for those convicted of felonies.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8773941
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

She was arrested two weeks ago and fired from the job 7 days later. I showed WH and cannot begin to tell you how validated I feel.

Amazing. I love it when the Karma Bus runs over JUST the right person.

I just want to see if anyone knows the rules about someone who is in the US on a student visa and gets arrested for theft of something less than 2k.

I'm no expert in US immigration law, so take this for what it's worth, but it seems unlikely she would face deportation based on an arrest alone (innocent until proven guilty and all that). There is plenty of time for charges to be dropped or waived or a plea to be given before a trial. Even if she is convicted however, a criminal conviction alone will not result in deportation unless it meets certain criteria, for example if she is incarcerated for more than 180 days or if it is a "crime involving moral turpitude". My understanding is that petty theft is considered a crime of moral turpitude in some states (and not others), and can be situationally dependent. Whether she is deported or not, her arrest and potential conviction will need to be disclosed if/when she applies for a visa or a green card.

If she is expelled or dismissed from her program as a result of the crime however, she would be in violation of her Visa and may be subject to deportation.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:15 PM, Thursday, January 19th]

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2123   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8773943
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:38 PM on Thursday, January 19th, 2023

I’m not an immigration law expert, but I imagine there’s a process involved in revoking someone’s Visa and it probably necessitates her actually getting convicted for something.

As for you and your current mental state, I think it would be in your best interest to stop checking up her. She hasn’t been involved in your lives for years and isn’t harassing you anymore; I doubt that she will try to do so now when she’s already in trouble with the law.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1965   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8773945
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 1:02 AM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Thank you for your answers. I have been checking less and less and hadn’t even looked her up in over six months, which is hard because she scared our family. Imagine having your kid asleep and seeing her car parked in front of your house for hours? I called the police but she left before they got there. I didn’t know if she had a gun. I was alone thanks to their affair and had no way to protect myself. She has not bothered us and I am thankful for that but the hyper vigilance this created is finally beginning to subside. I feel vindicated.

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8773949
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 4:22 AM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

I love when terrible people's actions catch up with them! What a fun moment that must have been for you, and one that you waited patiently for. I'm jealous!

For me, one of my FWH's APs had karma dealt hard to her months before I discovered her existence (her fiance was cheating on her and left her for the OW a month before their wedding), which was about four years after their PA had ended. I imagine if I had discovered her well before then and then got to witness her downfall, it would have been more satisfying. But learning everything at the same time wasn't as thrilling because the build up wasn't there. And in the beginning, I was solely focused on my WH and his actions.

So I don't think you're really asking for advice here but you just want to share this exciting tidbit of information and have it be celebrated and can't really do that with your real life friends. I want you to know I'm here for it. I'll celebrate this victory!

As unhealthy as it may be, I once randomly looked up a different AP on social media at the exact perfect moment and saw unedited tagged pics of her that captured what she actually looked like. I screenshotted them moments before she had them deleted. In their place she had her friend upload HEAVILY photoshopped (as in not even her face, hair, or jewelry) photos, which is what she does with all of her photos. What to do with this juicy bit of info? I've considered posting the originals in the comments underneath the photoshopped photos--just so she knows people know--but ultimately I can't do much without looking like the obsessive stalker I've become.

So instead I straight up told the two friends who know everything that I want to be petty and I want their support and then I sent them the photos. They laughed with me and made fun of her and it was a great time. It was needed for me; I needed to share it. If that's what you're hoping to get out of this post, then I'll support you to the max. I'm not going to tell you it's unhealthy to check up on her and enjoy her misery. I think you have every right to feel these feelings about someone who helped cause harm and trauma to your life.

And for the record, in many respects, I believe the AP is worse than the WS. Why? Because the AP wants to hurt you. They want the BS to know about them and be upset and get abandoned. The AP is malicious and remorseless. The WS typically does not do what they do with the intention of hurting the BS. They want to get away with it. And when the BS does find out, the WS suffers too--be it shame, or remorse, or dealing with an angry BS, or losing their shirt and kids in a divorce. It's not as bad for the WS as it is for the BS, but there are still consequences, unlike with the AP who can usually just walk away.

So your H's AP publicly getting what she deserves is, well, what she deserves. And you're allowed to feel happy about it, in my opinion.

[This message edited by Revenger at 4:25 AM, Friday, January 20th]

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 71   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8773964
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 12:53 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Revenger, true I do want to celebrate this person getting the karma they deserve but I also wanted to know if these charges (there are two charges of petit larceny value less than 2k for each item she tried to steal) could get her deported. This would be a win for all. She did lose her job so at-least she won’t be working at the job she was never qualified for. I just want her to leave my city so I don’t have to worry that she’s stalking us again. We have not seen or heard from her but she’s sneaky. She’s probably moved on to another married man with insecurities. A single man would be able to run away. A married man has to keep their secret unless he wants her to inform the wife.

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8773984
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Yes, I can't imagine what a relief it may be to have the AP oceans away and not have to worry about what a mentally unstable person is capable of. I never had any AP stalking issues, as FWH had so many, he kept them all at arm's length. But even the idea of running into them stresses me out, even if I don't think they'll harm me. And it angers me that my H brought these terrible women into our lives and made run-ins a possibility.

I hope she's deported and that's one less stressor on your plate. Please keep us updated.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 71   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8774100
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 6:17 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

I will definitely update everyone. I feel like I would not be able to control myself if I saw her and would probably go to jail that day. I don’t want to go to jail. I think I can settle for this degree of karma for her and stop wishing a truck would run her over. WH is embarrassed and although I feel vindicated I can’t help but be humiliated that my husband was going to leave me for this person. Why?

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8774120
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 4:01 AM on Saturday, January 21st, 2023

Couldn't agree more. I have heavily weighed the pros and cons of going to jail over them. FWH has even contacted lawyers to see how we can sue them to allay my anger. But ultimately, when it comes down to it, there's enough good in my life that I don't want to jeopardize it over some idiots whom I would just feel sorry for if I actually knew them.

FWH denies adamantly he ever considered leaving me for any of them. I don't believe it. But if he had ever admitted he did, that would be another terrible layer I'd have to fight through to keep my family together while maintaining my mental health, and at some point, it's just too much.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 71   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8774176
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 Loyal2Afault (original poster new member #72065) posted at 3:33 PM on Monday, January 23rd, 2023

I only assume this was an exit affair for WH.
He spent a lot of time before and during his affair blaming me for everything. Which is always a good indicator that someone is emotionally immature. All of us BS’ have heard the blame game.

Our marriage was over for me so I had an affair

I was done when you did or didn’t do X Y Z

He was blaming me on dday and when he finally wasn’t blaming me he said he hurt AP too. Yeah I lost it on him for that one. That was only a month into reconciliation. He no longer feels this way.

Today I am just feeling humiliated when I look at APs mugshot. This is who she is and WH was a delusional asshole for being disloyal to me. I didn’t deserve this

Me BS 56 Husband WS 47
Married 22 years
together for 23
Married 19 years on dday October 7, 2019. Currently reconciling

posts: 25   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2019
id 8774393
Topic is Sleeping.
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