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Newest Member: GotLynched

Reconciliation :
a "WE" problem

Topic is Sleeping.

 Chaos (original poster member #61031) posted at 2:07 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

WH is going out of state to help a family member with a construction issue. He’s used visiting family out of state as cover during his LTA. So this is a trigger point for me. He’s been upfront, transparent, even used speakerphone to make all arrangements with the family member to put me at ease. I have no worries that anything inappropriate is going on or will happen. With the trip fast approaching, I’ve been having bad trigger symptoms – can’t sleep, horrible anxiety, overly quiet.

The other day, WH noticed my withdraw, pushed and I unloaded – not in anger or venting. Calmly talking but explaining how all this affects me - him legitimately doing something that he’s used as cover many times before. He did mention tracking on his vehicle and phone, etc. I flat out responded he’s not a teenager and I’m not interested in having a 2 legged pet. And in reality – the tracker would only tell me where his vehicle and/or phone is. Not where HE is. I said that’s false sense of security at best and a level that I have no interest in monitoring at this stage in the game.

He went on to explain how he’s not that LTA person anymore and not in that LTA headspace anymore and elaborated. I agreed and appreciated. I told him I KNOW that but I can’t pick/choose my triggers or how/when they will affect me. I said sometimes it just sucks to be me and that’s ME problem for ME to deal with.

WH said no, this is a WE problem and for US to deal with. Y’all – that stopped me in my tracks and totally disarmed anything I was going to say. Because…in the moment…that’s pretty much the BEST thing he could have said and the BEST approach he could have taken. Yes, I told him all this.

I’ve been better since.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3797   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8774021

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:38 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

WH said no, this is a WE problem and for US to deal with. Y’all – that stopped me in my tracks and totally disarmed anything I was going to say. Because…in the moment…that’s pretty much the BEST thing he could have said and the BEST approach he could have taken. Yes, I told him all this.

He gets it, Chaos. In fact, this is probably in the top 5 of best examples I've ever seen of a spouse "getting it."

I hope all the people who are in limbo or trying to reconcile are taking notes.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1972   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8774094

whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 4:48 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Wow, I was having all the feelings reading this, as I triggered pretty badly at WH's first post covid trip to a triggery location during a triggery date last fall. I wish I could have gotten the response you did to your honest explanation of your feelings. I got more of a don't be ridiculous brush off to my concerns and I could really use a We problem approach instead of the Me problem to recovery he likes to invoke. I'm still living in the it's my fault he had the Affair, it's my fault I can't get over it program, plus he brought back covid and gave it to me! I am envious of your R progress but also very happy for your update.

Congrats on having a spouse who has turned the corner and is willing to think and say the things you need to feel safe. I hope you have zero issues while he is travelling and that it keeps getting easier.

BW: 64 WH: 64 Both 57 on Dday, M 37 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays from 2017 - 2022, with five years of trickle truth and lies. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, or trying to.

posts: 569   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8774097

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:18 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

That's good news, Chaos.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29992   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8774106

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Great job Mr. Chaos.

Its a great example of what I think BraveSirRobin was describing the work of a Wayward several years ago. It is a quote that has always stuck with me. I'm grateful for Holding Together for memorializing it for us in the SI Quote Thread.

What everyone here is trying to explain is that this doesn't get solved by you figuring out how to get him up off the floor. You need to get down on the floor with him

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2133   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8774114

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:15 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

That’s a great update, things like that really kill a trigger. Triggers still bother me especially those unexpected out of left field, but I always try to find what it’s telling me and try to learn from it. The trigger showed you something you needed.

This builds trust and teamwork, you don’t feel so alone in the triggers.
Great job Mr Chaos.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3453   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8774117

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:41 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

Thanks for posting this Chaos, the ME to WE shift is one that is hard to make. I'm glad he's getting it.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1180   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8774127

Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

That’s a really moving story. Thanks for sharing it.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8774138

78monte ( member #72572) posted at 10:36 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023

The "We" statement, knocked it out of the park.
I'm glad he was able to get it.
Nice post, Chaos.

posts: 4717   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8774145

Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 11:39 PM on Friday, January 20th, 2023


EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 472   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8774154
Topic is Sleeping.
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