Hello there from the UK!
I found about 9 months ago that my husband was having an affair. The affair lasted 3 months and was both a PA/EA.
He basically met her, there was a spark, he sought her out on social media - a week later they've kissed and two weeks later he's having sex with her. Fast forward 6 weeks later, he's telling me we are done, he left me and our girls (aged now 10 and 11 - I will never forget my eldest telling me she wishes she was dead when she found out her dad was leaving).
Naturally, he didn't tell me, nor anyone else that he was leaving his wife of 13 years and his daughters for some young girl he's known for 6 weeks. He told everyone, including his family that he had "snapped". He told me he didn't love me, and that maybe he never had loved me. The pain he caused me was inexplicable. I couldn't get up off the floor, I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. We had always had an extremely close, loving relationship, so this was so out of the blue - and for anyone who knew us.
A week later, he came back, telling me he loved me and he'd missed me and he was sorry. Yet for the next month, continued to be cold and distant. I came to the conclusion he was depressed, so I picked up all the slack at home whilst trying to look after two kids and work full time, struggling with the trauma he put me through.
To cut a long story short, my gut started kicking into action. I know things weren't adding up, and he was becoming more and more gaslighting towards me. I'd reached me limit where I just told him to go to his parents. Turns out he was turning his family against me, saying I wouldn't give it a rest and am acting crazy. Then I found evidence that he was having an affair, but instead of coming back and trying to reconcile with me, he went to her. I even received a nasty message from his dad telling me he knows his son wouldn't do such a thing, saying that I had destroyed my marriage with my issues and that I need help as I am hurting my children with my behaviour!!!!!!!!!
A week after I found out and he came to take the kids to school, I saw his eyes almost go back to normal. It's like he'd had an exorcism. He said he was ending things with her - and he did.
Move to now, and he is an absolutely completely different person! He is full of remorse, he had never once blamed me, we talk until the early hours, he is receiving IC and he is journalling. He deleted any social media and I'm offered all the transparency I need.
BUT, I feel this is not just an affair I'm getting over - it is the total and absolute betrayal and violation of another human being. During the A, he literally treated me horrifically.
It's probably easier to list the things that I am stuck on:
- He told me he didn't love me and probably never had.
- He left me and his children for a girl he had known for 6 WEEKS.
- He sought her out on social media and jumped into bed with her, with such ease. Not a thought for me and his children.
- He put me down to others and told lies about me, saying I was the issue for our marriage woes.
- unbeknownst to me, when he came back after that week of leaving, he was removing his wedding ring and actually telling friends and colleagues he was SINGLE and we were just living together.
- He told a mutual friend of ours about some childhood abuse that happened to me, that I had shared with him years ago in confidence. Using it to "justify" me having issues and being the problem.
- He told her he "has never felt this way before" - I know this was all during the fog, and it wasn't real, but it still physically hurts me.
- I don't drive and the year before the A, we moved somewhere fairly remotish, with poor public transport. So this kids and I were more of less stranded and I had to rely on friends (no family nearby) to get around.
- He violated my character to his family and they turned on me when I needed support.
- When I found out about the A, he continued it for a week, even after I offered an olive branch. I called him when he was there, and he was so awful to me, just saying we are done and to leave him alone!
- Then the cherry on top, was that about 2 months after the A, and we were working on things, I found out he had been messaging a girl from work 12 years younger, and then deleting conversation - this was after I said to him anymore secrecy and I'm done!!! He got screenshot of the messages, and they were perfectly innocent. He just has constantly needed ego kibbles and to know people like him. But at my expense.
Is all of this "too much" to forgive? I just don't know. I feel completely and utterly destroyed by the absoluteness of his betrays.
I'm trying, he's trying, but it just hurts so much. I'm getting EMDR on Thursday, in the hopes that helps with some of the trauma.