SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My D-Day story is posted just for background, but basically my husband was cheating on me through our entire relationship(online, pictures, sexual conversations). Anyway he has been doing counseling, and deleted everything, gave up all passwords, and sends me his phone usage every day. I start to feel secure but then I do a search on all things and find really nothing confirming I can relax a little. He then tells me about his counseling appointment about how he has been feeling guilty because he is at home looking for ways to watch porn without me finding out. The first problem is I asked him to not look at porn since we have been having intimacy issues, second problem he admitted to having a porn problem, and third and biggest is the trying to find sneaky ways to lie to me. I asked if he did masterbate to porn and he said yes two times. We fought I was devastated as if it was the first day all over again I am really insecure right now. We talked about it and we cried and all the things. I decided to continue to work on things..now here we are again..I find out he has been watching porn still behind my back and going as far as unplugging the Xbox as if it was never plugged in to hide this from me. I asked him to his face if he was hiding something and he lied over and over until I said I have proof and then he told me. Do I just take this as a sign he will cheat on me again? Because that’s how I feel. He literally cannot NOT lie to me about porn. And he acts like an abused dog when I cry and yell at him. He just shuts down..I don’t know what to do. I want my marriage and I want what he has pretended to be..but I just don’t know if I can keep doing this lying thing..I’m starting to think he is just this person who can’t stop lying and watching porn..not even to save our life together.

Be prepared. Whenever a thread like this comes up,the BH will run to defend their porn,porn in general, and tell the BW she is being unreasonable, unfair, ridiculous, etc.

Ignore them all. It will only cause you more pain.

They want to have the kind of sex they want after dday, regardless of what the ww wants,and regardless of whether it's fair,or reasonable. Yet they flat out refuse to acknowledge that a BW should be allowed a porn free marriage/sex life after dday.

You know the SI motto..take what you need, and leave the rest? Leave ALL of that.

I'm sorry he continues to hurt you.

I don't know if it will lead to cheating. Some men say it does. There are ads at the beginning of videos now, that encourage the men to stop "beating and start cheating." My best friends husband had a problem with porn,and she used a var to see if he was with another woman. He was watching porn. She wanted to see what kinds of videos he was watching. I saw that particular ad at the beginning of nearly every video. Does it lead to cheating? Maybe not. But it's encouraging them to. Personally, I don't understand how anyone affected by infidelity could still be turned on enough to watch the video,after seeing those ads.

It's completely OK to want a porn free marriage. He continues to break your boundary. What consequences has he had? Your pain and anger aren't a consequence.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:27 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

It’s not even 100% the porn. It’s the lying and sneaking around. I never really had a problem with porn in the past but I asked him to refrain due to him telling me he has a problem. Not to mention his cheating was online sharing sexual conversations and pictures with random women/ girls. Porn to me feels like a slippery slope now knowing what he has done to me our entire relationship. We were working on our intimacy issues we don’t have sex and he doesn’t know why his sex drive is down.. it hurts to know he is masterbating instead of having sex with me..

Sadly, porn can be an addiction as real as any. He needs to either find a therapist that is specialized in addictions. Or talk to his therapist and be honest about his need to watch porn.

Porn led my WH down some dark paths and we are trying to reconcile. It is hard because porn is such a "normal" thing and is accepted as being almost what everyone does.

Therapy can help him if he's honest about his issues. If he's hiding his use and cannot stop, sounds like he has a problem that is borderline addicted.

I'm sorry you're going through this! It is not easy especially with how porn is everywhere and so easy to get.

The problem is that your husband lies to you. He lies to you because he wants to do whatever he wants and he doesn’t want to argue with you or respect your feelings about it.

It doesn’t matter if he’s lying about porn or what he had for breakfast that morning. The point is that he’s a liar.

Do you want to entrust the rest of your life to a liar?

Do you think he's committed to lying? Do you think he'll always look for ways to enable lying? Or is he working to stop lying altogether?

I think there's a difference between someone who wants to break a habit of lying and one who doesn't. If he's genuine in working to tell the truth in IC, I'd expect lies to become fewer and less frequent. Are you seeing that?

Even if his goal is no more lies, I think R will require living through relapses. If you're unwilling to do that, perhaps it IS time to aim for D. There's nothing wrong and everything right with leaving someone who lies.

If he is committed to no more lies, and if he's getting there, there's nothing wrong and everything right with giving him more time - if you want to. Your choice.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. My W stopped lying on d-day, and I do not know what I'd have done if she had continued her lies.

My thoughts about porn are irrelevant. Your stance is reasonable; even so, you can change it whenever you want to. IMO, there are multiple healthy ways to handle porn. Especially in a context of lies, I agree that it's a big deal, and your H's behavior is throwing up some big red flags.

I'm sorry you're faced with these problems. Have faith in yourself to solve them.

(((Abigail22))) - a hug if it will help

BH here.

You have every right to feel exactly as you do.

You have no obligation to try unilaterally to save a marriage when the other party is lying, cheating, and breaking reasonable boundaries.

I'm sorry Abigail. You do not deserve this.

It seems clear that he has an issue with porn - his continued lying and sneaking around is completely unacceptable and is absolutely antithetical to your ability to feel safe with him as a partner. Does he acknowledge that this is an issue? Is he interested in or motivated doing anything about it? Has he sought professional help? I don't have any experience with this first hand, but I imagine there are support groups and stuff for it. Porn addiction is a real thing.

It sounds like he agreed to stop using it but hasn't. That's an addiction and should be treated as such.

Hi Abigail

There are two issues here, I think it is important to look at both distinctly even though they tie together…

1. The lying. It must stop. You cant have a marriage without trust. To me this is the primary problem.

2. His addiction to porn. Anyone who is sneaking around trying do something without getting caught is truly an addict. I am glad he is going to counselling. If you don’t see positive change after a period of time, either change your counsellor, or change your tactics.

both lying and addictive behaviour are two common characteristics of a cheater. These need to change before your M has a chance.

You need trust.

I hope things improve, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:55 PM, Saturday, May 13th]

He does acknowledge that it’s a problem. He was actually the one who told me he had a problem while we talked about our intimacy issues and suggested he talk to the counselor about it. The counselor that he goes to specializes in porn addiction and marriage issues so I am hoping that this can help him. He has used counseling to quit his nicotine addiction which I applaud, but that’s not why he is there... I feel like I can see that he is trying but when I find out he is lying it just puts me in a dark place. It’s like lying is directly connected to cheating for me now..I just don’t know how many times I should let him get away with lying before I really need to throw in the towel..my mind is always overthinking and I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I know only I can make this decision but sometimes it does really help to hear everyone’s thoughts and experiences.

To me, the porn isn't the problem- it's the dishonesty. I'd recommend reframing that in your mind because calling it a porn problem leaves it open for him to persuade you porn is ok.

Personally, I have no issues with porn, and I would not comply with a request not to use it, nor would I make one. Then it would be up to you to decide if it was a dealbreaker.

Lying, I have major issues with. Why stay with a partner you can't trust?

Hi Abigail,

I just wanted to reach out and say the I feel your pain. It's a horrible feeling to have to sit around and wait for a loved one to get their shit together.

As for advice, I like Sisoon's. It sounds like your husband is trying to make some strides, and some patience and generosity on your end might help. By that I mean that your husband might be ashamed of he's doing with the porn. If so and you do want to make a go of things, you're going to have to create a safe place for him to be truthful while he works on his f-ed up self.

I know. It sucks. But, sadly, eating shit sandwiches seems to be part and parcel of the reconciliation process, especially when it comes to sexual matters.

When you catch him lying, how does the conversation go? Do you need to catch him lying? How often does he volunteer information? Have you made it clear to him that it's the lies that are the primary problem?

All this depends on your patience levels. You can call it quits at any time. So while he's working on his shit, you should do the same.

Be prepared. Whenever a thread like this comes up,the BH will run to defend their porn,porn in general, and tell the BW she is being unreasonable, unfair, ridiculous, etc.

Ignore them all. It will only cause you more pain.

They want to have the kind of sex they want after dday, regardless of what the ww wants,and regardless of whether it's fair,or reasonable. Yet they flat out refuse to acknowledge that a BW should be allowed a porn free marriage/sex life after dday.

Seems like a pretty gross generalization to me.

Abigail, I'm sorry that your WH is causing you such pain. You have a right to set whatever boundaries you are comfortable with in the relationship, including on porn consumption. Most importantly, you have a right to demand honesty because that's only way that you can hope to rebuild something from here.

The reaction you're getting is a common one for WSs. I think it comes down to the fact that they're selfish and they feel entitled to have what they want. There is no way that they can express this without admitting that they are not going to respect your boundaries.

Is he working in IC to understand why he is unable or unwilling to control his porn habit?

You mentioned crying and yelling. You have a right to feel and express your anger and pain. That's real and just. But he may not hear you through that. You need to set your boundaries clearly and as a matter of fact and then stick by them. "I will not be in a relationship with someone who views porn." "I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies to me about porn or anything else in our relationship." And then you need to stick to it.

I just don’t know how many times I should let him get away with lying before I really need to throw in the towel..my mind is always overthinking and I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Yeah, that's the task that's in front of you. Maybe he's moving towards a no-more-lies-no-more-porn life, maybe he isn't.

You can dump your H at any point. You could have dumped him at the first post-d-day lie and held your head high. You can give him more grace and hold your head high.

I believe that you need more than thinking to figure out what to do and when to do it. My reco is to go inside yourself and check your head, heart, and gut. See if your heart and gut align on one course of action or another. My guess and hope is that you'll know what you want to do.

I'm really sorry your H is putting you through his awful behavior.