SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m new here. This feels like one of the few places both online and offline that will support my journey into making the crazy decision to even consider reconciling. So here it goes.

THE AFFAIR
I don’t know what the future looks like. I’m the BS. My partner of 5 years didn’t tell me he had 2 children from a previous relationship and I found out because I found pictures of them on a date this year and very friendly messages on his phone. Including messages that imply them getting back together. It seems they reconnected in the summer of 2024, which is the year our son was born. Our relationship stopped being intimate and I spent a lot of time with my family after our son was born. So there was plenty of opportunity for him to stray. I also found messages between him and a friend of his that was also intimate. Good morning messages, exchanging pictures, lots of flirting.

So that is 2 emotional affairs after the birth of our son. One with his baby mum (BM) and the other with a female friend (FF).

Since finding out I spent the week with him, and a week at my parents - trying to process it all and figure out what to do.

I had suspicions last year as I saw a very friendly picture with him and the FF, it was framed and he told me it was an old gift. His mum has been ill so he has spent a lot of time going up to visit his family (without us - but I have commitments for my daughter on weekends so can usually never go).

HIS REACTION
He denied everything until I started drop feeding him with evidence. I took screenshots of texts and have pictures of his album. He admitted that he has a weird relationship with FF whereby they text and it has been like that for years as he knew her before he knew me. He told me that the relationship between him and his BM was abusive - she kicked him out the house - but the images on his phone show that they were trying to reconcile when we first got together and again over the past year. He showed me pictures of him with bruises. I have enquired to receive police reports to confirm the domestic abuse. Their son was hospitalised and very very sick (which is true) and that is why he connected with the BM but claims this was the only way he could see his children - by promising her a future.

He has kept his phone open so I can go into it anytime. He says he wants to be with me. He is willing to talk about everything and present evidence for all of my questions. He is also willing to do counselling. This all feels too good to be true.

WHAT THE OTHER WOMEN SAID
I spoke to both FF and BM. BM says they are engaged - yet she doesn’t know where he lives! He says she is a crazy character - but she confirmed a lot of the timeline. She then started sending WP messages. They had a conversation while I was out. It seemed she relayed our whole conversation to him (as I didn’t relay our conversation but admitted I spoke to his BM). I now need to see their message exchange.

FF currently has NC as they had a huge argument a few months ago and no longer speak. She confirmed that they dated. She didnt want to speak to me so it was short and she hang up.

MOVING FORWARD
I am waiting for a counselling appointment. We are going to run through the timelines of our relationship with pen and paper this weekend. I’m also looking for relationship therapy as either way, we have to coparent our son.

I don’t know what the future looks like at all but it has given me so so much doubt about his character. I’ve completely lost my appetite. Time seems to have completely slowed down. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything.

I’m looking forward to being part of this community.

I am so sorry you had to find this group but you will get excellent support here.

Congrats on the birth of your child! It’s an exciting journey as a parent and hope you enjoy it as much as you can. With or without the relationship enduring this time. You can choose to co-parent in the best interest if your child without being romantically attached if that’s what you choose. You can figure out what’s best for your child and do your best.

I suggest you file for child support - whether you stay together or not.

There are numerous red flags 🚩 and I know your counselor will address them w/ you. The facts are clear - he’s shady and dishonest.

His phone may be "open" but that doesn’t mean he’s not using hidden or secret apps or deleting texts etc.

He’s lied about his relationships with these other women.

And he didn’t tell you he had other children. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Not sure why that wasn’t disclosed (obviously I don’t think like a liar) but I think you know he has some serious issues.

Please know you are just another unwitting victim in his web of lies. You did nothing wrong except get involved with a shady guy.

Counseling is your BEST option right now. Just for you.

And while your guy seems to be saying the right things — you need to see ACTION from him. He goes to counseling. He starts the discussions with you about his past. He PROVES to you he can be trusted and is willing to do (and does) everything possible to make amends.

He answers all of your questions and you are satisfied you have the full truth. Any doubts on that is just another red flag.

WS's can be VERY cunning when it comes to hiding an affair. My wife was very careful to erase her daily sexting history with her coworker just before leaving work. She failed to realize her phone and iPad were synced and I discovered her affair because I was suspicious and checked her iPad while she was at work. BTW, did you know that iPhone to iPhone texts do NOT go thru your cellular provider? I didn't. That's why nothing suspicious popped up when I looked at her text history with Verizon :/

Are there any messaging apps on his phone? If so tell him they need to be deleted. But you can also hide apps so you may have to do a little detective work

Ask him to write up a complete timeline history of everything and when he hands it to you ask him if this is everything and when he says yes ask if he is willing to take a polygraph. If his immediate answer is yes then he is probably being honest but if he stammers if he delays that is pretty good evidence that he is not.

My advice is to not jump into MC if you are considering it, stick with IC for both of you and months down the road if you still want to try and save the relationship then consider MC.

The fact he has children from a previous relationship that he did not disclose is a huge red flag. If he can't be honest with you about that how can you trust him to be honest about anything?

He seems to be saying and doing some of the right things now, but boy oh boy are there some red flags. Don't listen to his words. Watch his actions. Not telling you about children from a previous relationship is pretty strange, and it's a pretty big lie by omission. Unless he told you he didn't have any children at all, then it's more than just an omission. In either case it's still dishonest.

One of the things I've learned in my time here is that you almost never get the whole truth upon discovery. It's always "just an emotional thing," and they rarely admit to anything you don't have evidence of. 1stWife touched on a few things like burner phones, deleting messages, hidden apps for communication, etc. Some will use games like "Words With Friends" that have chat options. That's not the only game out there that does, but as an example.

You can't know for sure at this point, but it sounds like he's had ample opportunity to let things turn physical. The cat's out of the bag now, so he could have just taken it further underground, which is very common also. People who cheat also lie. It comes with the territory. I don't want to freak you out, it does sound like he's willing to at least put on a show of being transparent, which is a step in the right direction, but just know that it's very rare that a BS gets the whole story or the whole truth upon discovery. Don't let your guard down.

Sorry you've found yourself Here. I wish you the best possible outcome. Keep us updated. Let us know if you have anymore questions, and don't be afraid to vent to us. It can help. Trust me, I know. It helps to get it out and talk to others who have been in similar situations.