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Recently I've noticed my BH is asking me if I "have plans" whenever I ask him questions about his schedule. For example, I asked him what days next month he'll be out of the country to visit his daughter at university, because my mother and grandma were wanting to come keep me company while he's away, and he asked me then. (This can be verified through my texts with them, and also if he were to call them directly and ask about it. I plan on sending him lots of photos of us all together in the hopes that will reassure him that I'm not up to anything nefarious in his absence.)

Another time, we were leaving from someplace in separate cars to head home, and I turned a different direction than he did, and he saw a car that looked like mine turn into a restaurant I had mentioned wanting to go to, and he called me to ask if I "had a date." I told him I was on my way home and that I was anxious to get there to care for my animals. (Could be verified through GPS location, which he has of both my car and electronic devices at all times.)

We have a function to go to this weekend for my work, and I asked him which nights he was spending with me, because I worry about my aging MIL's ability to care for our youngest and the animals for too long while we're away. I think he was suspicious that I was trying to plan something else then, too. (He has all my passwords and everything and he can check my devices at any time without any pushback or judgement from me, though I realize one could go to extra lengths to conceal secret communications, so maybe that's not actually reassuring... side note, not to pat myself on the back tooo much, but I am pleased that there's a voice I my head going "Omg that would be SO exhausting to do. I don't even want to think about it," rather than it's usual "Ooh, we're not going to actually do this or anything... but how would we do it if we were?" Clinging to every small bit of progress that I can, apparently.)

I understand completely why he's being like this and I'm not frustrated by it or anything like that, by any means, but I am trying to brainstorm about ways to alleviate some of the anxiety. I did ask him myself and he said he'll think about it, and I said I would too. I hope it's not lazy to try to crowdsource ideas from here, as well; I just don't want to overlook anything that might help.

I'm trying not to sit in the car by myself anymore for long (even though it's literally the only place for me that's completely peaceful!) because I was sneaking out to the car to talk to the AP when the affair was going on, so it's triggering for BH now. He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed. He told me that I have a habit of locking my phone and putting it face-down when he walks up to me, which is understandably suspicious, so I've been trying to be mindful of it and either leave my phone unlocked and face up, or let him know that I'm locking it because I want to focus on him in that moment...I didn't come to bed last night until 3am because I was up trying to catch up on housework, which I don't feel like I can avoid at the moment if I want to ever catch up and reign this house back in from it's current chaos spiral. But hopefully I can stay on track and quit doing that too. I'm going to try to preface schedule questions with why I'm asking, I think.

I'm sure it will probably just take time, but I'd love to hear any recommendations if you have them for me. Maybe the BS have things that made them feel more assured that they'd be willing to share? Thanks in advance.

Additional edit to add: I also want to start taking better care of my body and appearance, both because I feel like a schlubb and because I think my husband deserves a good-looking wife, but I worry he'll think I'm doing it for someone else... and now that I've typed this, I also worry that he'll think I'm playing 4D chess and trying to cover my ass since I know he reads my posts... What a mess I've made!

[This message edited by Ghostie at 6:09 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

It sounds like you are being transparent, which is all you can ha do. It’s going to take time to earn trust back, his reactions are normal. Just remember that they are normal and be patient and keep being transparent. That’s all you can do.

The only other thing I can think of is to send a no contact message together to the ap if you have not already done so. And that would only be if he wants that step taken.

He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed.

I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:32 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

The questions about you having plans or have a date is pretty much par for the course. For you, you need to realize he is seeing things from a different lens than you are. While may be doing everything right, be careful that you don’t take for granted that he sees that. His lens in the relationship is that you made vows, and although I don’t know your story, you probably were able to keep your affair secret. He knows this and although you may tell him you are just sitting in the car for peace, or on the sofa to rest, or are going to meet friends, he will trust none of that. Not forever, but for a longer time than you think.

Many WS, after the initial storm subsides, tend to think things are going really well, but in the BS head they are still thinking in the what are the really doing in the car, or are they really meeting friends. You might have kept things hidden, and he will be on edge trying to figure out if you still are. Even if you are 100% above board.

As to looking good, its great. My WW went straight downhill after her affair. This was for various reasons. Me berating her didn’t help. Nor did menopause or way too much wine which packed on another 15 pounds on her. The last reason, which an old timer pointed out to me was probably a layer of protection that if she wasn’t as attractive that guys wouldn’t hit on her, and I wouldn’t question why she was so dressed up and what was she up to. She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

The most you can do is be transparent about your schedule and whereabouts, non-defensive about questions, and show a consistent pattern of truthfulness over time. You're already doing the first 2 things but the third one could take years before your husband can rest easily-- if he's able to at all.

In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:44 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

Noted

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I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

Because she is little and she won't be little forever and so I want to soak up the snuggles... One night I had a nightmare about a prowler outside her bedroom widow (which is at ground level) and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I went and laid down in her bed and passed right out. (Cue BH searching the house for me in a panic and missing me under the comforter and a large stuffed bear.) Also sometimes she demands that I sit with her in her bed until she falls asleep, but she'll take so long that I fall asleep too. And there is not enough room for three people and a couple of dogs in our own bed. :(

I'm doing the housework at every opportunity right now just trying to catch up. I would much rather be going to bed at an appropriate time with him, but I just don't think it's going to get done otherwise.

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She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Normally during the day I am dressed in sweaty athletic clothing, warm and comfy oversized clothing, or clothing covered in dirt and/or bird poop, so I'm just trying to time my shower well and put on nice clothes before he gets home! Only other time I really dress up is for church or date nights with him, so I think I'm good on that front, lol.

I have no idea how much trust he has in me at this point; that's a good question.

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In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! It sucks... It's hard to feel like I have so little control over the process.