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Recently I've noticed my BH is asking me if I "have plans" whenever I ask him questions about his schedule. For example, I asked him what days next month he'll be out of the country to visit his daughter at university, because my mother and grandma were wanting to come keep me company while he's away, and he asked me then. (This can be verified through my texts with them, and also if he were to call them directly and ask about it. I plan on sending him lots of photos of us all together in the hopes that will reassure him that I'm not up to anything nefarious in his absence.)

Another time, we were leaving from someplace in separate cars to head home, and I turned a different direction than he did, and he saw a car that looked like mine turn into a restaurant I had mentioned wanting to go to, and he called me to ask if I "had a date." I told him I was on my way home and that I was anxious to get there to care for my animals. (Could be verified through GPS location, which he has of both my car and electronic devices at all times.)

We have a function to go to this weekend for my work, and I asked him which nights he was spending with me, because I worry about my aging MIL's ability to care for our youngest and the animals for too long while we're away. I think he was suspicious that I was trying to plan something else then, too. (He has all my passwords and everything and he can check my devices at any time without any pushback or judgement from me, though I realize one could go to extra lengths to conceal secret communications, so maybe that's not actually reassuring... side note, not to pat myself on the back tooo much, but I am pleased that there's a voice I my head going "Omg that would be SO exhausting to do. I don't even want to think about it," rather than it's usual "Ooh, we're not going to actually do this or anything... but how would we do it if we were?" Clinging to every small bit of progress that I can, apparently.)

I understand completely why he's being like this and I'm not frustrated by it or anything like that, by any means, but I am trying to brainstorm about ways to alleviate some of the anxiety. I did ask him myself and he said he'll think about it, and I said I would too. I hope it's not lazy to try to crowdsource ideas from here, as well; I just don't want to overlook anything that might help.

I'm trying not to sit in the car by myself anymore for long (even though it's literally the only place for me that's completely peaceful!) because I was sneaking out to the car to talk to the AP when the affair was going on, so it's triggering for BH now. He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed. He told me that I have a habit of locking my phone and putting it face-down when he walks up to me, which is understandably suspicious, so I've been trying to be mindful of it and either leave my phone unlocked and face up, or let him know that I'm locking it because I want to focus on him in that moment...I didn't come to bed last night until 3am because I was up trying to catch up on housework, which I don't feel like I can avoid at the moment if I want to ever catch up and reign this house back in from it's current chaos spiral. But hopefully I can stay on track and quit doing that too. I'm going to try to preface schedule questions with why I'm asking, I think.

I'm sure it will probably just take time, but I'd love to hear any recommendations if you have them for me. Maybe the BS have things that made them feel more assured that they'd be willing to share? Thanks in advance.

Additional edit to add: I also want to start taking better care of my body and appearance, both because I feel like a schlubb and because I think my husband deserves a good-looking wife, but I worry he'll think I'm doing it for someone else... and now that I've typed this, I also worry that he'll think I'm playing 4D chess and trying to cover my ass since I know he reads my posts... What a mess I've made!

[This message edited by Ghostie at 6:09 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

It sounds like you are being transparent, which is all you can ha do. It’s going to take time to earn trust back, his reactions are normal. Just remember that they are normal and be patient and keep being transparent. That’s all you can do.

The only other thing I can think of is to send a no contact message together to the ap if you have not already done so. And that would only be if he wants that step taken.

He also gets anxious when I'm not sleeping in bed with him, so I've been avoiding sleeping on the couch and, somewhat more reluctantly and with much more difficulty, falling asleep while snuggling with our daughter in her bed.

I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:32 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

The questions about you having plans or have a date is pretty much par for the course. For you, you need to realize he is seeing things from a different lens than you are. While may be doing everything right, be careful that you don’t take for granted that he sees that. His lens in the relationship is that you made vows, and although I don’t know your story, you probably were able to keep your affair secret. He knows this and although you may tell him you are just sitting in the car for peace, or on the sofa to rest, or are going to meet friends, he will trust none of that. Not forever, but for a longer time than you think.

Many WS, after the initial storm subsides, tend to think things are going really well, but in the BS head they are still thinking in the what are the really doing in the car, or are they really meeting friends. You might have kept things hidden, and he will be on edge trying to figure out if you still are. Even if you are 100% above board.

As to looking good, its great. My WW went straight downhill after her affair. This was for various reasons. Me berating her didn’t help. Nor did menopause or way too much wine which packed on another 15 pounds on her. The last reason, which an old timer pointed out to me was probably a layer of protection that if she wasn’t as attractive that guys wouldn’t hit on her, and I wouldn’t question why she was so dressed up and what was she up to. She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

The most you can do is be transparent about your schedule and whereabouts, non-defensive about questions, and show a consistent pattern of truthfulness over time. You're already doing the first 2 things but the third one could take years before your husband can rest easily-- if he's able to at all.

In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:44 PM, Thursday, November 13th]

Smile at him. A lot.

Noted

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I do not understand why you are sleeping with your daughter if he wants you in the bedroom?

Also yes I get the housework issue but he is the priority over that. Do it while he is traveling or at work?

Because she is little and she won't be little forever and so I want to soak up the snuggles... One night I had a nightmare about a prowler outside her bedroom widow (which is at ground level) and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I went and laid down in her bed and passed right out. (Cue BH searching the house for me in a panic and missing me under the comforter and a large stuffed bear.) Also sometimes she demands that I sit with her in her bed until she falls asleep, but she'll take so long that I fall asleep too. And there is not enough room for three people and a couple of dogs in our own bed. :(

I'm doing the housework at every opportunity right now just trying to catch up. I would much rather be going to bed at an appropriate time with him, but I just don't think it's going to get done otherwise.

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She looked beautiful for her AP and spent lots of time on grooming. If she became more dowdy due to weight gain it solved the problem of me questioning and guys hitting on her. The thing was she became unattractive to me as well.

By all means look good for him, but again look through his lens. Dress great for him, but if you are going out with girlfriends or even to the store (which he may think could be a hotel room) don’t go all out with tight clothes, perfume, or makeup.

What level of trust do you think he has in you at this point?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Normally during the day I am dressed in sweaty athletic clothing, warm and comfy oversized clothing, or clothing covered in dirt and/or bird poop, so I'm just trying to time my shower well and put on nice clothes before he gets home! Only other time I really dress up is for church or date nights with him, so I think I'm good on that front, lol.

I have no idea how much trust he has in me at this point; that's a good question.

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In some respects, I think the oversharing-- tracking devices, sending pictures and screenshots every time you go somewhere, etc-- can actually have the opposite effect because instead of feeling reassured, the BS starts thinking of a million ways that you might be sneaking around in other ways, which seems to be the case for your husband.

You really can't manage your husband's emotions and cope with his anxiety for him; that's the part of the recovery work that he needs to do for himself.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! It sucks... It's hard to feel like I have so little control over the process.

Ghostie,

The little things that help me the most are when my H acknowledges moments of uncomfortableness instead of ignoring them hoping I won't say anything.

For example, when we are watching a movie or listening to a song and cheating comes up. He will ask me if I am ok and will offer to switch the channel or turn the radio off.

Or he'll see me physically tighten up or go quiet and instead of ignoring it he will grip my hand and/or ask me how I'm feeling. It's just those little things that let me know that he hasn't forgotten and that he's aware of my pain. He's paying attention and that makes me feel seen.

Your husband is most likely still suffering from hypervigalence. He's watching and questioning everything you do. I had it BAD. It was horrible. The anxiety that comes with it was overwhelming at times. What made it worse was that my exww used to travel frequently for work (she cheated during a work trip).

One of the things she did to help was installing apps on our phones that allowed me to track her movements (or at least her phone). She'd take lots of photos of her, where she was, who she was with, etc. That helped. When she traveled we'd leave Skype open all night sometimes.

As waited noted above, this will likely go on longer than you might think. I hated feeling like that and hated it even more for how long it lasted.

I think what helped me more than anything was my ex telling me how she felt about what she'd done to herself. Sharing her thoughts about her regret, her anger with herself and the deep shame she felt, that she never wanted to put herself in such a position ever again.

I don't know if he's ready to hear all of that from you. However, for me, her sharing of her own struggles eventually eased some of that anxiety.

At first I rebelled, accusing her of throwing a "pity party." I didn't give a fuck. I was angry, spiteful, and honestly believed she "should" feel like shit. But she didn't give up. She took the hits and came back for more, tears and all.

I'm not suggesting that you put up with abusive behaviors at all. Just be patient and bare in mind how difficult it is to recover from the trauma that infidelity causes, that he's scared, confused, and not all together himself.

He'll get there, eventually, I hope, for his sake and yours.

Ten years ago, I couldn't have read this thread without feeling extremely angry. Today, after all I went through, I can honestly say that I have a tremendous amount of empathy for wayward spouses who are trying. It might even surprise you to know that I consider a couple of WW to be good friends.

Hang in there, Ghostie.

My wife won me over with her relentless, tireless effort to show me that her changes were real, and her intentions were backed with consistent actions.

That takes time.

After the trauma of it all, it sure takes time to buy in.

The early stages of shock, that turn to sadness, then anger, then numbness -- only to rinse and repeat those steps more often than I thought possible was most of my first year. Year two was trying to believe in us again and the start of year three I let my walls down and started working on my own "all in."

My wife lost patience with me....twice in those early years. Mainly because she leaned into the "no matter what I do it will never be enough" phrase (which I understand).

Then, she kept trying anyway. She kept working to show me she wouldn't give up on us.

Infidelity is kind of giving up on an M, so it takes quite a bit to believe the shoe isn't going to drop again.

The cool part is, now we both work at the M with the same energy and strength my wife did in the early days of R.

R became the the relationship.

I love how hard we both worked to get here.

I'll never be happy the A happened, but I am proud of the work we did to overcome it.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 1:06 AM, Friday, November 14th]

Ghostie,

You have received amazing advice in the above replies. I’d like to add that in my mind, a wayward is better served if they embrace their betrayed spouse’s anger as if it is a best and useful friend. It is in those moments of rage that you can begin to see and understand the depth of pain caused to them, by decisions they did not make.

During this time the betrayed will most likely think in black and white ways and imagine things that are not accurate. For waywards, it is tempting to try to correct their spouse or defend themselves during this normal transition time. I believe most of us would say that to do so is a grave error. In a later time, the need for accuracy on the part of a betrayed becomes important to the process of reconciling but that can be a year or more down this extremely unjust, agonizing, swerving road you paved. Right now, any defense or correction you make, most likely will be perceived as another gaslighting and dismissal of your betrayed spouse’s perceptions, jetting the reconciling process off a cliff.

I commend you for reaching out to betrayeds for their thoughts, it does appear you are trying to earnestly become what you weren’t, a trustworthy, safe partner. Time is not your adversary it is your comrade.

Asterisk

I'm doing the housework at every opportunity right now just trying to catch up. I would much rather be going to bed at an appropriate time with him, but I just don't think it's going to get done otherwise.

Figure out a different plan. I get sometimes our kids want us to stay until they fall asleep and sometimes it’s unavoidable.

He is saying he feels anxiety when you are up and he is not, I think prioritize going to bed with him as often as possible. Definitely do not prioritize the cleaning over that. He is telling you how he would feel more regulated you need to not be dismissive of that.

I am not saying that you never stay up or you never stay with your daughter if she needs you. But I would show your husband his wants and needs matter and that you are going to try to help protect him too. That’s my two cents on that.

If your house were on fire, would you be loading up the laundry? No, you would be putting the fire out. There will always be laundry; your marriage, at this point, is not guaranteed.

Same with your daughter. Yes, you want to snuggle her. But what’s more important— falling asleep beside her, or keeping her in a 2-parent home?

Another thing you need to keep in mind is that you no longer get the benefit of the doubt— and not just about your whereabouts when you’ve not with him. Maybe it always annoyed him that you were doing chores instead of spending time with him. But now he’s thinking, "You don’t have time to spend with me, but you made time for an affair?" Maybe co-sleeping with your daughter instead of with him made him feel lonely but he used to say to himself, "She’s a good mom." But now you’re the person who risked tearing your family a part.

Just as many BSs offer Reconciliation in haste, WSs are often too quick to accept it. Every WS who engages in an affair does so with the knowledge that if they’re discovered—however remote that possibility will be—divorce is a possibility.

So if your Dday is anywhere close to your join date, then the question you need to ask yourself as a WS is this: Do you want your husband? Or do you just want to stay married?

And if you do want your husband, can you accept that what you’ve experiencing now is your "new normal"? Things might get better over time or they might not… even if you do "everything right."

I don't think he is angry when he's asking me "Why? Do you have plans?" or responding similarly. It just comes across like suspicion, worry, and fear to me... It saddens me immensely. I think he has tried very hard to not to demonstrate anger to me hardly at all, to be honest, and I don't know if that's healthy for him or not. Maybe he feels that I could not handle that (and he might be right, might be wrong, at this point... Intellectually I can certainly understand that anger, but I can't say for certain if I'm in a place where my ego could handle it) or that he cannot trust himself to remain in control if he displays that anger. While I appreciate the great lengths he's going to in order to protect me even through his pain, I worry for him. Maybe something else to ask him about when we get a moment.

At any rate, I don't feel defensive; I just want to help him to feel better. If I can provide solid, verifiable evidence that I'm not doing anything nefarious and logical explanations for the things that I am doing, and that will help assuage his fears, then that's absolutely what I want to do.

The thing is that he has OCD and is extremely stressed out by mess and disorder. I have been a messy and disorganized person my entire life and have been trying for years and years to get it all together, without success. When things get bad around the house, I feel like he hates me. The way he withdraws when there's no clean clothes to wear or the sink is full of dishes or there's just things everywhere after a day of, you know, living there with a young child, is comparable to the way he withdrew when he suspected the A was going on... I really don't know if it's worse to stay up and clean or to never catch up with the housework. It's a rock and a hard place, for sure. Same thing with whose bed I end up in; I'm juggling trying to keep my daughter from feeling neglected, and trying to keep her parents together. I'm hoping that it's a temporarily ill that'll lead to greater marital satisfaction and a more well-adjusted in the long run... It's like gambling but the stakes are way too high for it to be fun.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 5:14 PM, Friday, November 14th]

Maybe he feels that I could not handle that (and he might be right, might be wrong, at this point... Intellectually I can certainly understand that anger, but I can't say for certain if I'm in a place where my ego could handle it) or that he cannot trust himself to remain in control if he displays that anger. While I appreciate the great lengths he's going to in order to protect me even through his pain, I worry for him. Maybe something else to ask him about when we get a moment.

I remember feeling this way. My husband doesn’t have the kind of friendships to lean into. He wasn’t interested in therapy. I drug him to marriage counseling way too early in the process and it was a disaster.

Men simply are not often brought up thinking or talking about their feelings so when these things happen, they don’t always know what to express or how to express it. Add the roller coaster and they feel too all over the place.

Some bs get angry and stay angry (anger is sads bodyguard) some experience it as a stage of grief that oscillates. Shock is probably the predominant thing you are seeing and it often can look like being shut down. At least it did at my house.

When he seems receptive, let him talk. When he doesn’t want to talk, just respect his space. It’s a careful dance to learn, and as you go you will learn what helps or hurts by staying open to him.

I think you should ask him which he prefers- the cleaning or the sleeping. Then try and make a plan about cleaning- does your daughter nap or go to school yet? Can you have someone watch her sometimes while he is at work so that you can clean? I understand you feel behind the 8 ball in so many categories that it can be hard to know what to do. However, I would venture to guess that he is more comforted by you going to bed with him than the cleaning. Ask him and then adjust accordingly. This is not meant to be criticism, moreso to help guide you towards the best things you can do.

Cleaning for me is how I process things. It’s a meditation. It helps me feel orderly. I tend to be on the OCD spectrum myself so I can understand that having the house orderly may help with bringing him peace. But you need to know which one does that more.

I would say that as far as your transparency amd communication goes, just keep doing what you're doing. Keep him updated and don't do anything suspicious. Like you noted, it's just going to take that consistency over time.

The thing that made me raise an eyebrow is you not sleeping in bed with him. That would be more of a cause for concern to me than the occasional alternate route home. It would make me feel like something is off or wrong and would ping my radar to look for other signs that something is off or wrong. That's just me, tho. Maybe I'm weird. Also, that is assuming his preference is for you to be in bed with him. I don't know what you guys have decided as far as that goes. My wife and I sleep in the same bed every night and her preference is to fall asleep with me holding her. That in turn gives me a calming sense of security. Like all is well, or as well as it can be given the circumstances. Again, that's just me. Maybe I'm just a weirdo, lol.

Can you hire a cleaning service for a period of time to help you maintain a more organized home?

I hope it doesn’t come off to him or to anyone here that I don’t enjoy sharing a bed with him. I definitely do.

Last time we argued about the state of the house, he suggested we hire a cleaner and each do "an hour" of cleaning on the weekend. I laughed out loud at the fact that he thought two hours (which would really be more like one hour because I already do mine) would get the house to the state he wants it in. It just really shows how out of touch he is about the amount of work there is to do. Still, help is help and it’s certainly appreciated, so I countered with hiring a cleaner and each doing two hours… But so far neither of us have hired the cleaner, and we haven’t had a normal weekend during which we could consciously perform our cleaning commitment.

I’m trying to figure out how having the cleaner would fit into our schedule right now. I suppose I could have them come on one of the days that our daughter is at school, but I’ll need to get the house tidied the night before they come and make sure it’s scheduled between times that I might have to drive the 35-40 minutes each way to drop her off and pick her up, and not on a day that she has sports because that just sounds like a scheduling disaster… It just feels like I’m not really saving any time by hiring someone and just creating more rigidity in my schedule, which tends to be less helpful rather than more, ironically.

I will be completely transparent because I want for your marriage to heal if that is what you want.

The resistance around the topic is what raises a red flag. If you worry we think you don’t want to sleep in the bed with him, I imagine your husband feels this in a personal level.

I am not saying that there is an actual red flag, it is just all of us who recovered from infidelity had practical matters to address while it was going on.

Do you have executive functioning issues? Lots of people with issues such as adhd experience that. Like are we talking this has grown into a hoarder house situation? How long is your child at school each day? How big is your house?

I am really not trying to shame you or anything like that I am simply having a hard time understanding this issue. Did you ask him which he preferred?

Maybe if it’s completely out of control start with one room, probably the kitchen. Once you have it under control, each day spend 30 minutes in there for maintenance and spend the rest of the allotted time on another room.

It does feel like avoidance to me, but I am not sure that is true or why this is such an exceptional issue so please understand I am trying to get a better idea so I can be of better support.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:40 PM, Monday, November 17th]

The resistance around the topic is what raises a red flag. If you worry we think you don’t want to sleep in the bed with him, I imagine your husband feels this in a personal level.

I understand he's probably thinking the same thing and I understand why he feels the way he does. But right now I literally cannot stand the way he treats me because of the house being a mess, so I'm making this choice for him. He doesn't get a spotless house, a managed lawn, a well-cared-for child and pets, frequent sex with a fit, clean, and put-together wife, weekends spent together, health insurance through my work, AND 8 hours of me sleeping next to him. That's just not going to happen. I have literally been suicidal, being made to feel like less than shit on someone's boots day in and day out, because I can't do it all perfectly. I cannot live like this anymore. I told him this morning that I'm going to let him manage his feelings, and I'll manage mine while focusing on trying to resolve this issue... He didn't respond. I am so full of hurt and resentment.

Do you have executive functioning issues? Lots of people with issues such as adhd experience that.

Yes. I'm on medication for it. Not sleeping doesn't help with that, either.

Like are we talking this has grown into a hoarder house situation? How long is your child at school each day? How big is your house?

I don't hoard things... Our house is 2,245 sq ft, and we live on a 7.5 acre lot, 2-3 of which is lawn, garden and the driveway, which require maintenance. The rest is wooded, and it mostly takes care of itself. We have three dogs, two salt water fishtanks, and 10 chickens currently. Because we live in the woods, the dogs go in and out all day through their dog door, and I'm working outdoors often, a lot of dirt and dust gets into the house. When I'm home with my daughter, I'm preparing 2-3 meals for us each day, storing and managing leftovers, and cleaning out containers used for pet care, so I struggle to keep up with the dishes. If H cooks, the dishes are still my responsibility. They do back up to a ridiculous and gross amount sometimes. Between pajamas, work clothing, outdoor clothing, exercise clothing, church clothing, sports clothing, leisure wear, towels, and bedding.. I'm drowning in laundry. If I could catch up, I could probably keep it maintained at 2 loads per day. If I clean an area and move onto another, it's trashed as soon as I turn around. There will be toys, food residue, dirt, sticky hand or paw prints, potty accidents, items used by adults and not put away, projects started and not finished, etc., that appear like, immediately afterwards. It's like I'm stuck in a hell loop. Then there's people needing things and tasks to be done for my work, which is supposed to only be 2 days a month, but it's really not like that if you're in the position I am and saddled with additional responsibilities. And if you want to look good on your evaluations and get promoted? That's a whole other can of worms: stay in shape, volunteer, educate yourself, learn useful skills, attend courses that take you away from home for weeks at a time...

Our daughter, who I'll call T, goes to school MWF. It opens at 7am and closes at 6pm, but we live 35-40 minutes away and she usually wakes up between 7-7:30. H has an office right next store, so if he's not leaving too early in the morning and I can get her ready on time, he'll drop her off (I'd say they usually get there around 9:30.) But if not, I have to do it after I take care of the animals, and we might get there between 10 and 11:30. (and then I'd be back home between ~10:50 and 12:20) About half the time, between H working in the evening and her sports classes, I have to go and pick her up. (Mondays, that looks like leaving home NLT 4:25, BJJ from 5:30-6pm, and getting home around 6:20 pm... Then it's time to get dinner made, chickens put up for the night, T to bed, spend time with H and have intimacy, and well, the kitchen either needs to be cleaned or I can go to bed with H and clean it the next day...) So on the surface, I'm sure it looks to H that I have 3 whole days a week to focus on housework, but some of those days are less 6 hours of child-free time. Oh, and I'm also supposed to maintain myself(exercising, showering, shaving, attending any necessary appointments, etc.) and fit in time for hobbies and a social life outside of my H (I literally don't have friends because I don't have time for them) on those 3 days too.

The weekends, H wants me to be available for him the entire time. If I'm at all anxious to get home for one chore or another, he takes it personally and assumes I just don't want to spend time with him, rather than if I don't get this shit done he'll act like he hates me during the week, or my career will suffer, or I just won't have any time for anything that's enriching to me.

I hate it. I think about offing myself often so I just don't have to deal with it anymore.

[This message edited by Ghostie at 3:05 PM, Monday, November 17th]

I am not trying to be rude, but with all the stuff you do, where did you find time to have an affair?
Seems like you made your life more miserable because now that you have to deal with your BH feelings on top of the duties that you both have. You're complaining that he is upset that things are not the way he wants them to be. I think that many of the responsibilities can be off loaded in some manner or made into a game with your child.
What a lot of it sounds like to me is your overwhelmed by chores but also you are upset that your husband is upset that you shit the bed in your marriage and now on top of the chores, you have a husband who is demanding things from you that you just dont have the energy or time to provide.
I dont know if you dont feel your husband understands everything you do or appreciate everything you do, but i know that he likely felt unnapreciated by your affair and is likely trying to get some sense of peace in a home with someone who broke him. I dont know if your affair happened physically or emotionally but if it occurred in the home, then it may be that he is trying to change things from what they were to a more comfortable setting.
I wish you the best, My words may not be the clearest but i will stress again my question. Where did you have the time to have an affair, and if you made time for it, why is it so hard to make time for your husband?