SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

had a heart attack two weeks ago. While in hospital my wife left her phone on my bed table. It kept pinging so i picked it up just in case it was important. I read some messages and realized straight away that my wife has been seeing someone for several months and chatting most nights. They have been talking about how much in love they are and going abroad so they can marry. Also things like they wish they could wake up and be lying next to each other. I was in no state to confront her while in hospital after having heart surgery. Iam now home. I spoke to her about it. I did not get angry i just explained that i was devastated after 40yrs together. She said the words meant nothing she wants to stay with me. But she cannot let go still wants to see this man and keep messaging him.i know what i should do, but im too ill to leave the family home at the moment. She calling it escapism and it means nothing. But my whole world has fallen apart. I cannot talk to anyone as i feel a bit stupid. So i came here so strangers could maybe help me out emotionally i do not know how to cope.an i wrong in thinking this is far more than eascapism and that i should just let go. She cannot see that she is doing anythung wrong. For my own sanity i think one of should leave. The worst part is i dont even wish her ill. I want her to be happy even if it is not with me. At the moment her happiness is causing me nothing but pain

I would suggest telling her she is free to be with him and you are done. She has made it very clear in the messages what she wants and tell her she is free to have it but she cannot have the Safety and Security of a 40-year relationship and her so-called BS escapism

I cannot imagine a worse time to discover something like this as you are healing from a heart attack. Discovering an affair is a very traumatic event which causes a lot of stress and that is the absolute last thing you need right now

Chances are you cannot make her leave since both of you live in the home but you can start the process to divorce and sell the home

You just had a major medical event that could've killed you. Now that you know that your wife is in love with another man and was even discussed eloping with him, can you trust her to make end-of-life decisions for you? Can you trust her to care for you while you're ill and prioritize your needs?

Others have given good advice, but while contemplating that, be sure you prioritize YOU and your health.
Infidelity causes a ton of bad stress, so you need to focus on that. Download a meditation app (I like Calm, but there are a few) and use them a few times a day to help soothe and regulate your nervous system.

Talk to your doctor if this is affecting your sleep - you need to be sleeping as you heal from surgery. Many of needed anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for a short while to manage the symptoms.

Get a little fresh air and exercise (even just walking) every day. Journal your emotions to have an outlet.

And read about the 180 in the healing library. Detach a bit from your wife for your emotional health and to let you think and observe. Her words mean very little right now - watch only her actions.

You do not need to make a decision today. Focus on healing from your medical issue and you can decide what to do about your WS in a few weeks when you are stronger.

And hang in there - you can get through this. We know how hard it is, but we also know you will be okay.

What do you want? Are you open to reconciling?

If you're open to R, IMO your best bet is to offer her a choice to go No Contact (NC) with her ap or move out.

Unless ... I can see letting her maintain contact with her ap if she's going to help you at home, help you get to rehab and other appointments when you can't drive, shop, cook, clean, etc. while you're convalescing. But if you have other people who will help, giving her the choice seems to me to be the best option. Just be aware she may be caught in limerence, and that might make her reconnect with her ap. If that happens, you still have the option of kicking her out.

I'm very sorry ypu had a heart attack. I'm even sorrier that you found out about your W's A while you need your energy to heal.

I know life seems very dark right now. I hope you can take solace and get healing energy from knowing that you CAN heal from being betrayed and that you did not cause your W to cheat in any way.

Also know that what you 'should' do is anything that helps you heal. You can be sure that if your W continues her A, you'll be able to dump her when you have the physical strength. One big issue jumps out at me, and I suggest you consult with your cardio. That is, being betrayed brings a LOT of anger and other feelings with it, and my impression is that anger is not good for our hearts. So make sure your medical team knows all of what you're going through.

If you mean to kick her out of your house, you need to make sure you can do it legally, so you need to be strong enough to find and talk with a good lawyer.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:01 PM, Wednesday, December 17th]

Do you have family nearby that can help? Don’t go down the path of feeling embarrassed to the point you won’t ask for help. Nothing you did made her go out and act like this. Telling a couple of trusted friends and/or family would be what I would do. The real ones will spring into action.

Brother, you have been hit by two lorries, a heart attack and discovering infidelity. I am surprised you were even able to find this site and start going toward recovery just two weeks later. You have my sympathy but let me try to supply some practical advice.

First, you probably cannot make her leave without legal action and you are too weak at this point to leave. So make the best of it. Let her wait on you. She’ll probably try to show you how much she cares. Let her. But disengage from her emotionally. Go to the Healing Library and learn about grey rocking.

Second, just get over the embarrassment long enough to tell friends and family what she has done. I appreciate how you feel. It is humiliating to be discarded like this. But friend, you have no choice. You need support, physical and emotional. Tell your kids, if you have any.

Third, it is too early to decide whether to divorce or reconcile. As one member here advises, get on the fence and stay there until the right choice becomes clear.

Fourth, the only way for you to get out of this quagmire is to make her choose. Either she keeps the boyfriend or she keeps the marriage. There are no compromise positions that you can live with. The choice is hers. You cannot make her leave this guy but you can and must tell her what you will accept.

Fifth, is this POS married? If so, tell his wife. It is the moral thing to do plus in most cases it causes loverboys to jettison the affair. It also can help you earn an ally who may be able to flesh out the facts of the affair.

Sixth, you are normal, not stupid.

Sorry you are here. Your physical health is the first priority. If your wayward wife decides to leave you, you will need help. So, tell your kids, your friends, your siblings, anyone who will help you. In the meantime, get whatever help you can from her. She’s hired help who you don’t have to pay.

She can call it escapism if she wants but it is still an affair. Sounds like it is at least emotional and likely physical since it sounds like they have met up in person. She needs to make a choice, she doesn’t have the right to change your relationship and force you into an open marriage you don’t want. You need to be firm and tell her she has the choice to reconcile your marriage and go NC with him or leave the house to be with him and you’ll file for divorce. She has no right to ask you to continue to provide the comfortable home while she dates her new boyfriend. Anything short of that though and she will continue to use you and date him. Without setting that firm boundary why would she stop? She is getting the best of both worlds right now. You also have to ask yourself, if she chooses you, can you really trust her again or will it be better for you to just file for divorce and be done with it.

As someone who has survived a heart attack, I understand what you are going through. My prayers go out to you.

My suggestion to you is to get into individual counseling with a trauma specialist. I give you the reason for my suggestion below.

What I found out after my heart attack is that I would go into depressed moods. These never happened before the heart attack. They would come out of the blue and some lasted only a few hours, while others would last a day or two. This past spring one of these moods lasted more than a week.

I discussed this with both my primary doctor and my cardiologist. They told me that these moods occur quite often with men who have heart attacks. I googled the subject and the AI said that depression is common after a heart attack, affecting men significantly, and involves persistent sadness, loss of interest, fatigue, and difficulty with daily tasks, often linked to lifestyle changes and the physical toll of the event more often than with men who have never had a heart attack.

I am normally a very upbeat person. Both my cardiologist and my primary doctor say that since I immediately notice it when it happens and that I work through the mood to lessen it, that they are hesitant to prescribe any meds or to get counseling.

Now then, you may or may not get depressed from your heart attack all by itself, and I hope you never do. However, the fact it occurred at the same time that the actions of your wife of many years dropped a nuclear bomb and a load of cow dung on you at the very same time is terrible.

She cannot see that she is doing anythung wrong.

Has she always had this lack of empathy? Has she always been this selfish?

Brother, I just can't imagine what you are feeling. Just know my prayers are with you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:57 PM, Thursday, December 18th]

Its doubtful in most western countries that you can make her leave. You need someone on your side yesterday. She's not. Just two weeks ago, she was talking about going abroad to marry her other man. The only thing that's changed is your health took a dramatic turn for the worse. Sounds to me like she's staying for the chance of getting it all instead of half following a divorce.

What I find extra disturbing is that you are dealing with a life-threatening health crisis.
At the same time, you have a wife who – well... frankly – has the most to gain IF she was telling the truth in wanting to be with OM and being able to marry him and move abroad and all that – if you were to croak.

I would find that worrying... How invested is she in your recovery?
Is she going to be hiding behind doors, jumping out with a Booo! just to scare you into a new heart-attack? Is she going to phone 999 if you fall down, or wait until you no longer move?

You have kids?
Is there anyone you can confide in?

She wants to stay with you, the words mean nothing but she wants to keep messaging him. That sir, is someone in an affair and deep in the fog of dopamine enhanced fervor. And to say that after you just had a heart attack is, well, heartless on her part.

Am I missing something?

Have they been having sex? Is he local? Is he married?

Listen, a WW in the fog during an affair is not unusual. Cruel behavior after your husband has a heart attack, well, that's a little more rare. You should consider doing the standard steps to get out of infidelity. Take care of yourself first, tell the AP's wife if he has one, look at the 180 process here at SI, meet with a lawyer to know your options. And tell your wife you will not have a third person in your marriage so unless she goes NC, the marriage is finished. If she goes NC immediately, then there might be a chance to R. Avoid doing the pick me dance to get her back, a firm resolve to get out of infidelity is what you need right now.

If you need post hospital care, try to line that up from other people if at all possible.

I want to wish you a speedy recovery and also say I’m sorry you had to find out your wife is cheating at the time you did.

Once healed I suggest you get some professional advice for yourself.

You deserve better. And I think you need to tell people - kids & close friends & family members.

Update for you all. Firstly i want to say thank you all for helping me.

Christmas eve and she is leaving this morning to start her new life. All the kids coming around christmas day. What do i tell them. Im thinking me and your mum have been struggling and she has decided to leave is i think the best thing i can say. I dont want the kids to hate her if i tell them the truth. 40yrs and done appaarently i have done nothing wrong and she still loves me. Im so sad clinging on to that hope.have a merry chriatmas everyone

I think you should tell the truth, but you can do so in a gentle way. But you need to be the parent that is truthful to your children, even if they’re adults. They won’t hate her, but it will be her responsibility to repair her relationship with them. That’s not your job.

I’m sorry that it came to this and right at the holidays. You will make it through and there’s happiness on the other side. It will take some time, but I promise you will get there.

Hang in there.

You have to tell them the truth. Please don't perpetuate the atmosphere of lies that your wife has built in your home.

Truth is the way to go....really.

True connection is built on truth, which also shows authenticity and vulnerability. By telling them the truth, you give them an opportunity to stretch their emotional muscles. This is important in life.

Again....tell them the truth.

I agree with BearlyBreathing. Tell your children the truth. You can do so in a gentle way if you think it necessary. They deserve the truth. Be the honest parent. Good luck

I want to give you a big hug firstly. Please tell them the truth I tried to protect my spouse and in doing so I’ve tormented myself. The relief when people did actually know was something I didn’t expect and the support I received I should have done it sooner instead I allowed myself to suffer in silence for 5 months.
Please be kind to yourself

Stop protecting her! She doesn't give 2 shits about you. Her "I still love you" is all about keeping herself from being the villain in her fantasy love story.

You tell the kids the truth. She needs to see that actions have consequences. And file for divorce ASAP.

When she tries to come home ---- and yes, she absolutely will try to come home ---- you let her know that you're nobody's backup plan and tell her to pound sand. Tell he that she has until the divorce is final to convince you that she deserves another chance.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:31 AM, Wednesday, December 24th]

Tell your kids the truth. You need their support, emotionally and physically. If they hate their mother for doing this to you, they have passed the test as fully formed moral adults. If you let her off with, "We are having problems", you give her the opportunity to paint you as the villain in this drama. She probably has already written that script because it is the one she has been telling herself in order to make her ignoble behavior ok. Is the other man married? If so, tell his wife.

Finally, when I first responded to your post I left out one other piece of advice because I didn’t want to pile on. But now that she has left, you need to do one more thing, to the extent you can, remove her from your estate. Re-write your will. Remove her as the beneficiary on any account with a transfer on death clause. Remove her as life-insurance beneficiary. You need to see a solicitor, like yesterday. I sincerely hope that you have many more healthy years on this planet, and you probably do, but if you don’t, you need to protect your kids’ financial interests from their mother and her foreign lover.