SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have had a few issues recently, we separated nearly 2 years ago because she was having an emotional affair with a colleague which led to them swapping explicit photo's and messages. We reconciled but obviously my trust was destroyed.
Things seemed to be improving until one day I get a message from a complete stranger on Facebook containing explicit photos of my wife, I had seen them all but there were 2 that I hadn't which weren't explicit but a little provocative, which he claimed she had sent to him. When challenged she claimed that he must have hacked her WhatsApp and she posted the 2 other photo's on Facebook but deleted them because she didn't like them. I've never fully believed her but I kept going with our marriage.
For Christmas I bought her a new phone and after she transferred everything across she put her old phone away, she fell asleep so I grabbed her old phone and took to the toilet because I simply didn't trust her anymore & I found an explicit video and 2 photo's in her WhatsApp images that were dated last week, but she didn't send them to me so it's clear that she has been messaging someone else.
I'm absolutely devastated and feel like such a mug, it's Christmas day and I find this out

so sorry you had to find us, but it;s the nicest group of folks.

Please read in the healing library and all the posts in this forum marked with bullseyes— you may have to go back a few pages.

It sounds like things were just swept under the rug when you got back together. Did she do any work as to WHY she has poor boundaries? What commitments and actionable change has she done?

This is really hard so please take care of your self.
1) make an appt with your doctor for STI testing . Don’t have unprotected sex with her until she does the same and shows you the results. .Cheaters lie, so you need proof.

2) take care of yourself. Eat healthfully, avoid alcohol / drugs (ask me how I know this one 🥴), drink lots of water, get daily exercise and sleep. If you cannot sleep, talk to your doctor. if you cannot eat, try protein shakes.. this all helps your mind, body and emotional regulation.

3) Get into IC (individual counseling) to help you figure out what YOU want and need. Look for one with TRAUMA experience b/c this really is a trauma. Do you have anyone IRL you can share with? Someone who will provide a supportive ear?

4) Read about the 180. It helps you detach so you can think and breathe and decide what YOU want.

5) Make an appt with 2-3 lawyers to explore what D (divorce) would look like. You don’t need to file for D, but knowledge is power and knowledge will help alleviate fear of the unknown.

Keep reading, and keep posting. Know that this is 100% on her and 0% on you. Don’t let her put any blame on you and don’t tell her how you found the texts. All marriages are imperfect but cheating is a choice, and one she chose repeatedly.

Hang in there - it may be a little slow today but others will be by. Know that you will get through this and find happiness whether you D or R (reconcile).

Something about getting older, and reading on sites like this, has given me enough information to understand some people should not be married. They try, sometimes they try, but their ability to form deep attachments was either damaged or never formed.

You have tried forgiveness and reconciliation only to find yourself exactly where you were before. It seems to me you need to be very realistic about your wife. She gets more from the childish behaviors than she does from a marriage.

Please be very clear that this has nothing to do with you. She brought this with her into her adulthood. She would have done this with any husband.

I think you need to see a dr to help with anxiety and possible depression and to get help sleeping. Your health is taking a beating right now. That should be your primary focus.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:08 PM, Thursday, December 25th]

I would strongly suggest you print out paper copies of everything you have found because she can remotely wipe that phone and once you confront her if she's smart that will be the first thing on her mind

As asked above, after the first affair did she work with a therapist to fix herself? Or was the affair simply swept under the rug?

I know your mind is processing a thousand thoughts a second and it will take a while for that to calm down so please do not make any rash decisions but be aware that when confronted cheaters will lie, they will try to minimize, they will try DARVO.

When I confronted my wife I recorded the entire conversation because I knew I was such an emotional wreck that I would not remember everything that was said and how it was said and when we started going through MC I was able to correct her. For example, there were instances where she said I never said that or I was not that mean and I said yes you did and yes you were

I would strongly suggest you start recording your interactions with her. You will have to check on the legality of it but just for your own safety start recording everything

You are in for a rough ride but you are in a great place for support