I knew that they used a hotel for 2 of their 3 trysts, but had never asked which one. It just never occurred to me to ask. A detail that wasn't really all that important, I thought. Well, the other day she told me a story about how her grandmother used to pronounce "The Holiday Inn and Suites" by saying "suits," and we had a chuckle over it.
That started a brain worm in my mind and got me thinking about hotels in general, and it occurred to me that I didn't know specifically where she and her AP hooked up because I never asked. I knew the general area, she gave me the street name, and there are a couple of them there. I let it bug me for a couple of days before I asked her yesterday, "which hotel did you go to?" It turns out it's a hotel that I drive by very often. I sometimes even go into the parking lot because it shares the same lot as a couple of other places I sometimes go to.
This hit me harder than I thought it would. It's been over 8 months since d day, and while we're not anywhere close to me being fully "over it" or fully reconciled, things are going about as well as a person could hope for in our situation. It's not something that dominates our daily discourse. I'm convinced she's genuinely remorseful. She has done everything, everything I've asked of her. Up to and including ending a few very long term friendships (co conspirators and cheerleaders, I called them). One of them she had been friends with since high school. She messaged her other friends, cleared up some untruths, and admitted that she had rewritten some of our marital history in service of justifying her actions. She's maintained NC, easily. In fact she hates him now. She started disparaging him about a month after d day and her dislike for him has only amplified over time.
I feel almost like I've been hit with trickle truth or a 2nd d day, which is certainly not the case. It's a detail that I thought was inconsequential, and I'm sure she did, too, given all the details and information she's given me about everything else. It's not like she intentionally obfuscated or hid this detail from me with intent to deceive me. I knew it was a local hotel. She's been very forthcoming in answering all of my questions. She's given me answers to questions that are far worse than "which hotel?" I could have asked her at any time. I just never thought to.
What bugs me is I will be driving by this hotel pretty frequently. It's located on a main surface street and there really isn't any getting around it. We were in that parking lot together a week and a half ago, before I knew it was that hotel... I had a little meltdown yesterday reliving d day and imagining them there together. "We were just there in that parking lot a little over a week ago, right??" We got through it... after I locked myself in the bathroom for about 15 minutes to take some space because she was freaking out and wouldn't give it to me. By "freaking out" I mean crying very hard and saying "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I love you, I swear nothing like this will ever happen again! I swear it! I love you! I hope you can forgive me!" Just picture that on a loop for a minute or two until I got up just to get away and think by myself for a few.
I'm not really sure what the point of me posting this is aside from maybe just to vent. Typing this stuff out has helped me before. I feel like I might be being unreasonable, but at the same time, hell no, I'm not. I didn't ask for this. I certainly didn't want it. She has however, been a model of contrition and remorse. Very consistent in her actions and demonstrating radical honesty. Which is something she's needed to work on for a long time anyway. She's still in IC and working on her shit. Daily affirmations verbally, physically, and in text. Lots of intimacy and bending over backwards to make amends and rebuild. I've no doubts she loves me and I'm still her #1.
I just have days sometimes where I'm not sure yet what exactly I want. I mean, while I leave the option for D open in my mind, for the most part, 95% of the time, R is the goal and it's what I want, but I sometimes wonder if I'm cut out for it. I think I am, but man. Those hard days are hard, and it's especially hard when my imagination starts taking over like it did yesterday. I almost felt like I was back at day 1 again. Sitting here today, the next day, with her working a short shift, I'm thinking about how much I miss her and can't wait to see her. Im going to surprise her with plans I made for lunch, then a nice, long walk afterwards.
The collective wisdom here, as usual, is so right. R is hard, and not for the feint of heart. It's a lot of work, and if my wife wasn't as all in as she is, like some of the other stories I've seen here, and I still didn't love her as much as I do, I'd have hung it up by now. She's being a real trooper tho, and rolling with the punches. She tells me all the time that she isn't giving up, and will continue to fight for our marriage with everything she's got. I believe her. Her attitude and actions have gone a long way toward reparation.
I don't want to hang it up. I still love her. I know she loves me, and we're very, very compatible. Both temperamentally and physically. I'm still very attracted to her, as she is to me. We've always had that going for us. We did go through a lengthy dry spell, but sex never got old, repetitive, or boring when we were busy with it, and it's come roaring back since d day and I weaned off of the SSRI that was killing my libido and my... you know. We've been at it daily for several months now. She calls it "making up for lost time," and I'm discovering I have a tiger on my hands. She went the opposite direction from most women after menopause. Of which I have no complaints. My sex drive is as healthy now as it was 25 years ago. I'm up for the challenge. I'll never get back on anything like Sertraline again.
For those who don't know, if you are, or plan to start an antidepressant, SSRIs are infamous for killing a person's sex drive, and can cause ED and anorgasmia. Simply stopping taking them doesn't always work to fix it either. There's a condition called PSSD, Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction, and it can linger for years in some cases after stopping use. So if that's a concern, make sure you ask your prescriber questions about it. I didn't, and had no clue. I was on massive daily doses for a long time and it took me a while to wean off. It killed my sex life, and I had no clue how much that bothered my wife. She went through menopause at around the same time and I just assumed she'd lost interest as many women do.
Boy, was I wrong, and boy, did she never say a damned word about it to me. Some great communication we had, huh? That's another issue we've worked very hard on, successfully. There won't be anything like that to ever sneak up on me (or her) ever again, that's for sure. We talk about it a lot now, along with pretty everything else. Even the small stuff. Were both constantly checking the temperature with each other, and we're communicating about everything so much better now.
Okay, I started with hotels and finished with PSSD, lol. I think I've rambled on enough for now. Thanks for hearing me out. Happy holidays and merry Christmas everyone.
[This message edited by Pogre at 4:13 PM, Saturday, December 27th]
