SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry for your pain and trauma that you are dealing with.

Unless the boss forced your wife into this affair such as threatening her job or doing things against her will — she was a very willing participant for the past 6 months in having this affair.

You asked about Reconciliation.

Your wife needs to show remorse and should be willing to do anything to restore the trust in your marriage. It will take YEARS but she has to be willing to make the commitment to do whatever it takes.

She needs to quit her job. Immediately.

She needs to be willing to answer your questions and discuss the affair and that includes taking 100% responsibility for the affair. She needs to admit YOU have no part in her decision to cheat.

Your wife is not a victim. She is an adult who willingly engaged with another man. He didn't force her, she wasn't tied down, she did it because she wanted to and I know that is a harsh sentence to read but it is the truth

I'm guessing it's love that is telling your brain that somehow this is not 100% your wife's fault, but it is. The first time he said something inappropriate she had the ability to stop him in his tracks but she didn't.

It probably happened the same way most Affairs happen at work, casual conversation about what you did this weekend turned into maybe complaining about being unhappy with your partner which progressed into the first innuendo being spoken which was answered with an innuendo or a smile or a laugh and it escalates from there

Your wife made the conscious decision to violate the sanctity of your relationship for purely selfish reasons, giving zero thought to the horrible consequences of her actions. She enjoyed the excitement of the affair yet maintained the Safety and Security that you provided so for her she had the best of both worlds but married people can't have both

Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a very long time and this is normal and you just have to ride it out but please believe me in time it slowly gets better. Eventually the tears slow and then stop, eventually the rage and anger and sadness and despair slowly minimize

It took me several months before I felt like my feet were back on Solid Ground, my head was clear, and I had confidence in my thoughts and decisions

If feasible I would make the demand that she leaves the job immediately. I wish I had that option but my wife's job provided the health insurance for our family so I had to deal with her leaving everyday going to work knowing her AP was there. Because I am a man who Treasures his children's well-being I had to just deal with that because it was in my children's best interest

Now, just because she leaves that job doesn't mean she won't have another affair at a new job and that's where the IC comes in. Your wife is broken and she has to be willing to do anything to fix herself, regardless of how long it takes, if she truly values the relationship and is willing to do anything to repair it

At one point early on my wife said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault to which I replied I am not at fault, this is 100% on you. She tried to come back with all those years you didn't talk to me, you don't think this is partly your fault and I said no. I said years ago I asked you to go to MC with me so we can learn to communicate better and you were adamantly against the idea so I went to IC to learn how to communicate better, I tried bringing that home to you, but every time I tried to talk to you about a problem you just folded your arms, shut down inside, and responded with anger so no, this is 100% your fault. It took her months to finally be able to say the affair was 100% her fault and our R was stalled until she said this

Stay strong and reach out to us for support as often as you need. All of us understand because unfortunately we've been there

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:04 PM, Monday, January 19th]

My question for the forum is, for those that have seen progress or success in R, what does that look like?

No more lies, new job, taking responsibility for A, changing from cheater to good partner....

Also,b what are some hard lines or red flags to look out for in the process leading up to a R.

Blaming your for the A ('blameshifting'), TT (trickle-truthing - hilding the truth bacj to protect herself while claiming it's to protect you), minimizing, rug-sweeping (moving on without addressing her issues and without giving you time to process your anger, fear, grief, shame, etc.), refusing IC.

Divorce is very much still a possibility.

Good. You're 2 autonomous human beings. You both have choics and the power to choose.

BTW, for many of us, the lies are the most hurtful aspect of an A.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:07 PM, Monday, January 19th]

My question for the forum is, for those that have seen progress or success in R, what does that look like?

Look up the user named Pogre. Read all of his posts on how his wife is acting now, and has been sustaining it. There you will see what true remorse looks like. I’m sorry to report, that kind of response is very rare. Yes, it happens, but that doesn’t change the statistics.

You must first realize it will take 2-5 *years* just for you to RECOVER. That does NOT mean reconciliation. Recovery is the long amount of time it takes to adjust to your new world, where your reality has been utterly shattered by the willful choices & actions of betrayal your wife is guilty of. You thought your wife was X, and in an instant you’re utterly shocked to see your wife is in reality a person you don’t know. Actual successful RECONCILIATION, if it actually occurs, is a LIFELONG process. Not only do YOU need to understand that, your wife MUST be 100% on board with the very hard truth that even if you stay together, your marriage will NEVER be the same, and that her efforts MUST stretch forward FOR ALL TIME. If she’s not immediately onboard with that sobering reality, you have nothing to work with.

But here’s where it’s even harder: many adulterous spouses will at first promise almost anything while they’re in damage control mode, when their quality of life is threatened or some other selfish reason. It’s only watching her ACTIONS, over a PROLONGED period of time, will you even begin to see whether there’s even a CHANCE at true reconciliation. Ofttimes the mask will slip, and the adulterer will reveal their true self when months later they ask "Are you not over this yet?", "I made the choice to stay with you, isn’t that good enough?", "Do we really have to talk about this again?". etc.

Unless you see your wife doing what Pogre’s wife is doing, you have nothing to work with.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 6:17 PM, Monday, January 19th]