SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all

I can't count but I'm probably around 5 years into R.

We don't talk about it, I don't think about it unless I'm away or something.

He's the model H.

But I still can't shake the feeling that I don't think I will ever heal from the betrayal since it took so many things from me.

It took my sparkle, my joy, my calm, my sense of self. I never felt like the same person again.

I feel a bit like a veteran who comes home and is present but never really present. Like a part of me is just gone.

I can't fault my H or our day to day life. He's kind, loving, and I have zero fear he'd ever do it again.

Truthfully he's a better person for it.

But for me, it forever took something from me. I can't even explain what but it's something like my specialness, my positive life story.

I dunno. It's very very hard to articulate but I feel soiled and so many aspects of me were the price paid.

I still, if I'm honest, don't really understand how or why he did the things he did, but it robbed me forever of something indescribably precious.

Does this resonate with anyone?

Hi GraceLoves,

I hear you. I feel you. I could write a book back to you.

Mine is not the model WH, by far. Even if he had been, I think I would remain changed permanently in ways I did not wish to change.

I liked myself so much better before all this, and I guess I thought others liked me more as well. There is a deep hurt in discovering that I love people more than they are capable of loving me in return, and in discovering that the foundational components of my relationship were never really there, just implied, or imagined.

There is a deep humility in realizing just how easily I could be manipulated and fooled because I did not want to accept the truth, to understand not just the lies of his secret life, but the silly illusions of mine.

I broke my foot last year, spent months unable to walk and that was a very humbling experience. I am mostly healed now, but there are random pains that come and go, and there are certain shoes I cannot wear ever again. Hiking and walking on uneven terrain is painful and risky, and although I really miss the years of my life where walking didn’t require attention and was one of my favorite things, I try to be grateful that I am back on two feet, can navigate the stairs and life without so much pain and difficulty. I will have to always take care to avoid pain and future re-injury.

There are a lot of parallels to my marriage and my life brought on by that one missed step, and by my WH’s LTA. My foot will never be quite the same and neither will I. It’s not all bad, though, the personal growth and changes, and I have found acceptance for other difficulties in my life through this one. I see areas where I am growing stronger and finding pieces of myself to nurture again. It’s a never ending process for me now, navigating the challenges I did not bring upon myself, but must deal with regardless.

Best to you finding your self, your sparkle, joy and calm. I console myself these days by saying you can’t have it all, you never could. Take what good bits you can find.

It took my sparkle, my joy, my calm, my sense of self.

Looks like PTSD. There's a book called Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder.

In the end, it's up to the BS to decide to sparkle, to decide to rebuild a sense of self. PTSD can put up a big barrier to doing that. Since you still feel the effects of being betrayed, have you considered IC?

We don't talk about it, I don't think about it unless I'm away or something.

I done that for 17 years. She pretend it never happened ( kept the lie) I dare not to bring it up (preserving the lie and protecting her self image I treasured).

It destroyed me.

PTSD, panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts.
IN the end surrender, it all went away.

And she can't hide behind it anymore, now she is talking about it, now she is doing therapy and work to resolve the root issues.

Sure the spark for her is gone, but my individual spark and joy are shinier than ever.
It may never be the same for your Wayward Partner, feelings of love are dead for me as of today, I do not know if they can ever possibly come back, I do not care, I feel good, stronger.

And that's should be your goal. You.

If your husband can heal (not just behave), then good, it will make him a better person.
You cannot have a real R until you, the BS spouse are healed, and until the WS heal himself.

I was betrayed 18 years ago during a long distance relationship, in a horrible way.
If that's like what's in your signature it definitively resonates with me.

I do not know your whole story yet Grace, but if you feel still robbed and you do not talk about it, then you are not healed, you are sinking into the abyss and pretending is all fine.

IC and sharing your emotions is critical for you right now. Start here, vent, the feeling you have are emotions you are silencing reaching critical mass.

Believe me I know what is like. I have been there. Don't make my same mistake.

Grace, it is not sadness. It’s rage. It’s under the surface but it’s there. How dare someone take your love, your trust, and wreck it. How dare they ruin your belief in them. How dare they lie. How dare they give that attention to another person.

Human beings have very long memories. We never forget. It’s impossible to forget an insult. Cheating and lying to us are insults. It’s a form of abuse. It’s keeping a whole part of our lives unknown to us. So…we want revenge. Wars get started over revenge.

I think it might help for you to have IC. Someone you can tell your nastiest thoughts to. I know my rose colored glasses are gone but most of us lose them anyway. Life has the capacity to blindside us. It might not be a spouse. It could be a boss, a friend, or any person on this earth. We need to, if possible, choose happiness. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning"