SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At first, I thought I had found the love of my life — the most caring and mindful person I’d ever met. We got married pretty fast, just nine months after meeting each other. But as soon as we got married, everything started to change — and fast.

He became controlling and sometimes even violent, especially when it comes to our sex life. He believes I’m obligated to fulfill all his needs simply because I’m his wife — all the time. Some of the things he asks for make me really uncomfortable, but whenever I say no, I get the same response: "You’re my wife, it’s your duty."

I’ve tried my best to make things work, but no matter what I do, he’s never satisfied. Recently, he’s been spending more time out with his friends — something he never used to do — and I started to get suspicious.

Out of insecurity and fear, I checked him on DoTheySwipe… and it turns out he’s on Tinder, with a profile that looks very recent. It hit me like lightning — my husband is literally looking for someone else, probably to fulfill his sexual needs.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I don’t even know how to start. I don’t want a divorce — I always believed I’d never have to go through that in my life — but at the same time, I can’t just ignore this.

What do I even do now?

RUN!

Run as fast as you can.

I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare. I know how painful and disorienting it can be.

Violence? Oh... hell to the fucking NO!

Run and don't look back.

The people on this site are a phenomenal resource, so I'm glad you found it.

It sounds like you have two related but separate things happening right now.

One is the possibility that your H is cheating on you. Although you don't know how far he's gone, I would suggest having STD testing to make sure that if he's already been involved physically with someone else, you've not been exposed to anything.

The other is the controlling / violent behavior on his part. This would be a major issue even if he weren't on Tinder, and it doesn't seem worth trying to address the Tinder issue at this time. Having a faithful but violent husband doesn't put you in a better position, and I don't think his violence gives you many choices but to leave. At least put some space between him and you while you figure out next steps.

Do you have a safe place to go?

He does not sound like the most caring and mindful person. That was a mask until he got what he wanted, which was you to be controlled by him.

Now that he has you, he is not acting like the most caring and mindful person. Especially if there is violence in the marriage and in the bedroom. If he asks you to do things you are not comfortable with and you express to him that you are not comfortable and say no but he still insists on making you do them because it is your duty as his wife, that is not love. That is not even respect. He does not love and respect you. He is abusing you for his own selfish pleasure instead of honoring you as he promised he would in your wedding vows.

The good news is you can learn a valuable lesson here. You got married too early and too quickly by being caught up in the euphoria of his charade. Now that you know he is actively trying to cheat on you and have sex with other women and put your health at risk by doing so, not to mention the betrayal of it all, you know you can get out.

Do not make excuses for him. You are kind of already doing that by saying well maybe he is a narcissist and a sex addict and that could explain why he is doing what he is doing. Ok even if what you say about him is true, is that the type of man you want for a husband? Or do you want someone who actually loves and respects you?

Life is short. Do not waste your precious time and energy and resources trying to figure out and explain and understand and suffer through and justify and fix this mess. You deserve better.

To summarize, so far you have a husband who is willing to lie to you and hide things from you by being on Tinder. He is also willing to cheat on you and betray you and break his marriage vows. He is also willing to put your health at risk by having sex with other people. He is also willing to dishonor you and disrespect you by insisting you do things you are not comfortable doing all the while telling you that you have to do these things because it is your duty as his property. He is also controlling and violent. That last part alone should be enough to make you run. Violence is completely unacceptable.

If I was talking to one of my friends, I would say learn the hard life lesson and never have anything to do with him again. He is a dangerous kind of person that you need to get away from. You may even be able to have your marriage annulled. Do you really want to spend your life with this type of person? If he is a narcissist, then you may not even know the half of what you are dealing with.

And he is going to try every trick in the book to make you stay and convince you he loves you and he is sorry and he needs help and please don't leave baby he'll change how can you throw everything away and that will turn into it's your fault because if only you did what you are supposed to do as his wife then he would not have to act this way and do the things he has been doing blah blah blah.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership of two people who love and respect each other. Is that what you have? And is this what you want? Your answer to those questions will tell you what you need to do. It will require strength and courage for you to do it. But you will be better off for it in the long run.

Given his personality, you should NOT confront him about Tinder, as hard as that may be.

As Arnold01 suggested, can you go stay with a friend or a relative?

You should contact an attorney. You may need to seek a restraining order or some other legal protection. What kind of evidence do you need for that? Your attorney will help you with that. Like, should you install cameras in your home? Carry a voice-activated recorder on your person? Mace? I don’t know, but those are things I’d ask a lawyer who’s qualified in your jurisdiction.

There is no "wifely" duty to have sex that makes you uncomfortable. This isn’t the Middle Ages. And I notice that he’s big on what duties you owe him, and not so big on the duties he owes you, like being faithful and protecting you from violence as opposed to perpetrating it on you.

You say you don’t want a divorce, but I assume you want to be the victim of his violence and infidelity even less.

Stay quiet, talk to a lawyer, follow her advice, and get yourself to safety.