SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an affair 3 years ago. It was emotional and sexual, though it remained virtual and there was no in-person contact. We went through counseling, reconciled, and have worked hard on our marriage, but I still struggle with the AP’s husband not knowing.

Early on, I wanted to tell him, but I was advised not to. That never fully sat right with me, especially since this was apparently at least her third affair. I still feel like he deserves to know, particularly because this seems to be a pattern for her.

At this point though, I’m wondering if it’s too late to say anything. If not, would an email or text be more appropriate? I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a phone call.

I’m struggling because I think my reasons are twofold:

1. I genuinely think he deserves to know, especially if she’s likely to do this again without concern for how it affects him.
2. Part of me also feels like she shouldn’t be able to repeatedly do this without any consequences.

I think he absolutely deserves to know. That poor guy has a serial cheater for a spouse. I think you should be the one to give him his agency back, since nobody else is going to do it. Whomever advised you not to... well, it's common advise among people who have either never experienced this, are manipulators, are cowards, or have ulterior motives.

It's not necessarily your responsibility, but you're clearly the only one who can help him. It's up to you. I would argue that he deserves to know, just as you deserved to know. I wish you the best of luck, I'm sorry you were put in this situation by your husband. It isn't fair, it just is what it is.

Personally I would write them a letter giving enough details so they can uncover the rest themselves. I would make an anonymous email account and send it from that in case they want to communicate back.