SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stupid question perhaps, but should one announce to their spouse that they are going to be doing this?

don't think so...

I have implemented the 180 degree list staring acouple of days ago. Not only have I already seen a change in WS's attitude toward me, but I feel better about myself. It feels good to not sit around and mope but to actually get stuff down and try to enjoy somethings. I know my d-day was only a little more thanb 2 weeks ago, but I just don't want to be miserable. Will see if I can keep it up.

I need to join this group. I should have joined 5 years ago, and maybe I would not still be here.

I hope this is one of those plans that is better late than never.

I did all of these things without realizing they were sanctioned by a therapist. I have to say they worked. You have to be prepared to put yourself first at all times. I did this not expecting a result from fwh but that is exactly what happened. I think if I'd had expectations I would have been willing to be more bending verses someone who'd just had enough and was happily moving on with her life.

My number one rule for myself was: say what you mean and mean what you say. It wasn't a game because I meant absolutely everything I said and did. That's not manipulation, it's a reality check for everyone.

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Okay- this list helps, but also hurts- I wish my WS could talk about the future...right now, we are "trying it out" for a few months, but I made the mistake of putting it out there that I was thinking about marrying her and well- my WS said "yeah!", but didn't say anthing else..I guess I wanted her to say that she was thinking that about me... Anyways, now what do I do to correct what I've done?

time to go 180 again.

Add me to the 180 list -- 5 days and counting. No change in FWH attitude yet. But the weekend's coming and I plan to be busy, busy.

Here's my dilemna though... One thing FWH has asked for from me during R is to spend alone time with him. I've been doing that, but it's eating up time that I could use doing more productive things. Keeping me busy and my mind occupied. If I'm just sitting around, I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself or angry at him.

So I risk him saying to MC "she's always busy again, I never just have time to 'be' with her."

Do you WANT to spend time alone with him?

Frankly,I'm afraid to spend alone time with him. We wind up fighting or I'm crying. Never any fun,that's for sure.

I usually can't wait for us to be alone to ask him questions, or read to him or do an MC exercise, so I'm surprised he actually wants to be alone with me. He hates that stuff.

His alone time consists of me sitting next to him on the couch watching tv, whether or not any of the kids are home it doesn't matter. He just wants me THERE.

I'm bored with it.

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Well, it's time I do something, anything! I'm going to try this 180 stuff, any pointers?

Cher: The theory behind the 180 list is also carried through in "CoDependent No More" At least the first part where she talks about detachment.

The idea is just to detach. The author says to try and do it lovingly, like the 180 says, but if you have to, do it in anger. Anything to get yourself out of the situation immediately.

I won't lie. It's hard, especially for someone who's used to be the all and end all for her family. If you're an enabler, worried about everything he says or does, how he or anyone else affects your family or yourself, you need to do this for you.

Still struggling cause I had a set back on it yesterday. Good luck. PM me if you want to talk specifics.

weepy - yup, this is where I'm at right now. My H doesn't "get it" which I just learned from a conversation we had on Friday night. We were talking about his A - I asked him what within himself allowed him to do it. He responded that *I* wasn't giving him attention, that *I* never wanted to go out and do things with him. The blame was placed solely on me. I explained to him that I take %50 if not more blame for the state of our M at that time, but I take NO blame for his A. He didn't understand AT ALL!

What I've done so far is reeping no changes in my M. Yes, I'm an enabler and YES I worry constantly about how my H feels. I need to stop!

Weepy,

Just wondering how you are doing.

If you do NOT want to watch TV - do something else, go out for coffee with friends while he stays with the kids, or stay home and play a game with the kids....etc. etc....if he joins in, fine, if not, too bad.

Yes, Cher, the 180 is lovingly detached. NOT easy for wives like you and ME who's entire lives have revolved around our H's and their moods, or is that a stretch for your situation? It certainly was true for me.

Habits are hard to break. We did not get to this place overnight and we cannot change our behavior overnight either !!

I have many, many rough days... and this is a struggle... but I have never had such peace and calm in my mind since DDAY.

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Still working it. But I noticed that as I go on further and am getting no response from H, I'm starting to wonder whether I care at all. I don't know if it's just my mind set right now because I've got my IC convinced I'm never going to get over it and she doesn't even know what to do with me.

Self esteem issues are still present, but instead of getting upset, I just get angry at him for not seeing what he's got. I've been out 4 nights this week, but still found the need to snoop on him. Caught him in a couple lies to other people, and one to me. Completely needless, completely stupid. I haven't even felt the need to confront him on them. Just don't care. I think I've made up my mind I can live without him.