SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry to see so many members of this OC club (myself included) but I am happy to see a place where we can support each other through it.

I started a OC in R thread in the Reconcilation forum to unite and support those who are working towards a R with the added "bonus" of an OC.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=97958

*much hugs to all members of the OC club*

Letter part #2 is in the works! It certainly felt good to say what has been boiling up inside.

My H and I started to get in an argument yesterday, when all of a sudden we both realized that is exactly what she wants! I'll thank her again for another opportunity to get closer to my H. She will never come between us, her time between the sheets with my H was a only a millisecond in time.

Well I found out through some detective work that OC was born in the last 24 hours. I actually called the hospital the last few days and asked to be connected to her room. I knew they'd either tell me she wasn't a patient or connect me to her room. Well this morning patient info said oh sure hold on she's in room ???. I hung up before I could be connected. I have this sick feeling now. I haven't told H that OC was born yet. He hasn't had any contact with her since I found out. Just wondering what her next step will be. This is the worst feeling I've ever had.

hurtn---hugs to you today.

Put it out of your head. It is not really important. I know it seems that way, because I have obsessed and worried so much some days I am just wraught with exhaustion. What is important is you, your H and your kids. You have no control over OW and just need to brace yourself for the fall-out that may or may not come.

That's my little pep talk for the day, perhaps to myself as much as it is to you.

I had met with my IC this morning, and she is so supportive, and is trying to help me understand why I obsess so much over OW...it really sucks. However, every day I am feeling stronger and stronger about it.

OW is immaterial in the scheme of things. It was never about her anyways!!!

I am so sorry we are all here, but on the flip side, so glad we have each other.

so sorry hurting,

try calling the front nurses desk and asking what the baby is your in the gift shop and forgot lol and if there is a name yet. They wont know who you r and say some fictitious name if they ask... then say her phone was busy when you tried to call it... anyway your too embarassed to ask your friend the baby's sex again.

so sorry hurting,

try calling the front nurses desk and asking what the baby is your in the gift shop and forgot lol and if there is a name yet. They wont know who you r and say some fictitious name if they ask... then say her phone was busy when you tried to call it... anyway your too embarassed to ask your friend the baby's sex again.

okay

i found out today about the OC. well, found out in a way i guess.

i have occasionally been driving by the FC's house and today saw a blue balloon with "it's a boy" written on it outside her door.

i'm am very freaked to say the least.

i knew she was due any time, i knew there was an OC so why does it feel like D-Day again?

i don't know if my H knows yet, if he does i would hope he would have told me. i'll have to tell him. a boy!!!!!

we have a girl, why does this hurt so much??!!

i know he is serious about R and doing all the right things but this makes me feel all insecure again.

i hate this FC so much

Cat- I feel your pain. OC was born 5 days ago. The pain is unbearable. I havent' told my H that I found out she was born. He knows she was due last week but hasn't mentioned anything to me and as far as I know no one has contacted him with the news. It is like D-day again. The wait is finally over and now reality sets in.

Cat and Hurtin,

My heart goes out to you. The OC in our case is not born yet but the OW continues to rear her ugly head. We are trying to concentrate on us and the bundle WE are expecting come November. As far as I'm concerned, she wanted the OC, she can keep it, we'll just send a check every month. I will NOT let my child see her or hers if I can prevent it. I can only imagine your pain and know that unfortunately it will be mine too within the next two months. Our OC club sucks, huh?

Big hug to you both,

BW

Hugs to us all--I want a new life, this one has been pretty shitty lately.

Ditto TwoKids ditto...

Hugs,

BW

I have a question. The OC was born two weeks ago an since there is NC between my H and OW we are not sure if she put his name on the birth certificate. We would really like to know (it might give us some clue as to her immediate intentions. Can my husband go to the city/town hall where the child was born and ask for a copy of OC birth certificate, assuming she put his name on it? We know the child's name and date of birth. Anyone have experience with this?

I don't have experience with this but did research it for my state (NY). Here the father's name cannot be put on the birth certificate if the child is born to a single mother unless: the father admits paternity in writing or a DNA test proves paternity. If it's the DNA option, then the birth certificate is amended after paternity is proven and a court order is issued. To get to this step the OW has to sue the father for paternity and take him to court, which usually involves suing for CS as well.

I hope this helps. I found all this doing a Google search so I'm sure you could find it the same way. You could also call the records department (city hall?) and ask one of the clerks. They probably know the answer off the top of their heads.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Betrayed, I live in MA. I was under the impression that a woman can put whoever she wants on the birth certificate and it is only if she tries to get support she has to prove/disprove paternity. What info did you type in for your google search?

I think I found what I was looking for in the Massachusetts General Laws.

Quote:

In the record of births, date of birth, place of birth, name and sex of child; names, places of birth, and dates of birth of both parents; and residence and birth surname of the child’s mother. In the record of birth of a child born to parents not married to each other, the name of and other facts relating to the father shall not be recorded except as provided in section 2 of chapter 209C where paternity has been acknowledged or adjudicated under the laws of the commonwealth or under the law of any other jurisdiction.

Thanks Betrayed!

If women were allowed to put any man on the BC that she was not legally married to then heck I would have put bill gates on it lol my kids could use a big inheritance lol.

Well like all of you......I'm a member of this horrible group and sure hate it but I'm glad that I've come across some people who might have a clue about what I'm feeling.

My WS and I have been having problems since September. I started getting suspicious in late October but never had any real proof. DDay was 2/26. I knew of the person (a coworker of his) and also knew that she was pregnant. I confronted him with what I found, asked if he was having an A and if the baby was his. He came clean and admitted it was.

I didn't shoot him or cut off his penis like I wanted to. I just cried and asked alot of questions and cried some more. I gathered my wits and knew that I needed to do alot of thinking, go see our MC and make sure what I wanted to do before making an impulse decision. I decided that I didn't want to lose my marriage. I wanted to work on forgiving him and dealing with the possibility of this OC.

BUT, problem is.....he "thinks" he has these deep feelings for her that he no longer has for me. You know the spill....."love you but not in love with you anymore". He feels obligation to her now. He doesn't see that he will be happy either way, doesn't see a good choice and can't decide what the hell to do.

We have 2 boys ages 9 and 2 and he is a wonderful father. He is distant with me, still in contact with her and it is killing me. I have told him that I am willing to love and accept the OC but he says that she is not going to let me accept the OC. Of course we all know that she will have no choice if he and I stay together but she's a dumb slut and probably doesn't realize that yet.

I know that he doesn't deserve me. I know that I would be better off probably if I'd kick his ass out. But the bottom line is that I'm not ready to do that. I don't want to give up yet and I certainly don't want to let this whore "win".

I really need some support with this decision. Everyone keeps telling me to let him go but I'm not prepared to do that yet. I think if I can hang in there, he will come to his senses. I mean if he really wanted her, why hasn't he left. The draw to our family and home is obviously stronger.

Anyone else go through this? Where the WS wasn't instantly remorseful and trying to make it up but instead fencesitting and putting you through hell?

All help appreciated!

Only you can make the decision to leave or to work on your marriage. I am also somewhat in your shoes. H has an OC who was born in January of this year. He had a LTA and also said he has feelings for her, although he said that he loved me throughout the A and never wanted to leave the M. So it's slightly different in that my H is remorseful and wants our M. But the devastation you and I both feel when we hear about those "feelings" for OW is just the same!

My H wants to be a father to this baby and has ended the A but of course cannot end contact with OW. That's a killer, cuz with any contact with an OW, I think the feelings they have take longer to fade and dim.

Don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this kind of mess. Continue with MC--is he going? If he doesn't get off the fence soon, it will be more difficult. Is the A still continuing? That's probably something that you will have to decide about. You can't work on your M if H is cake-eating.

Good luck and keep posting. Feel free to PM me.

Torn--I remember those words all too well "we love each other but are no longer "in love"". In my case, H was suffering depression and mid-life crisis. Took him his own IC to see that. We are 8 months or so past d-day, and although it is tough, he has seen where it all went wrong and is very remorseful. I agree with you that it is worth trying to save, especially with kids. Give it a bit of time, at first my trip was so rocky too, with H lying as the truth started to come out. You'll know when it is right or not. Hugs to you...it sucks being on this thread, but everyone here is so supportive and have been my strength many times over the past several months.

Torn, so sorry to find you here. You will find that most OW don't mind being a step-mother to your kids when it looks as if the WH will be with them. But the minute he's back home, they don't want the BW to have anything to do with their child.

It takes a lot to stay in a marriage and have to deal with the OW long term. Especially if said OW is the type to keep pursuing the WH.

It's a shame really that when they are dealing with the confusion of their feelings, the WH has to deal with the OW being pregnant with the OC. This makes it harder for the WH to decipher his true feelings for the OW.

For whatever reason, my H wanted to leave OW. He says that he didn't know about her pregnancy until two days after they broke up, but he probably knew about it before. Still, he chose to leave. Even though we have no plans on R'ing, he's staying with me and can leave at any time. Makes me wonder if he would be continuing contact with her if she wasn't pregnant.

Recently, the OW sent a text message to H about him spending the night with her. He showed me proof that he didn't, but it made me laugh to see the lengths she would go to get what she wants. She has gone from a person who was single to a person who things everything that happens in her life should be my H's problem also.

She is waiting for him to move back with her because I am supposed to be moving after I give birth. But my plans fell through. H says that he kept the door open because he would need a place to stay and never promised her forever.

I tell my H that he could leave at anytime if he wants to be with her, but he chooses not to. I don't know if he has admitted to her about me not moving, but it's not my problem what she chooses to believe.

I don't know if H will go back with her or not, and it doesn't bother me as much as it should. I know that my H wants to be on his own eventually and I think that's the best thing for him. But OW won't give that to him because it's not important what anyone else wants except OW. I don't think she cares if he's happy with her or not as long as she has him.

In the long run, you have to look at the situation realistically and decide what it is you can deal with. Really, the OW can't deny you access to the OC if you and your H stay together and he has visitation. If your H does decide to honor her request not to have you around the OC, then he will be in contact with OW. IMHO, R will only work if the couple stands united against the OW and not allow her to control the situation. She can make as many demands as she wants to but will only win if all of her demands are given.

Unfortunately, the OW may be pressuring him to be with her and that's causing him additional confusion. In order for your M to work, he will need to go NC with her while you work on R'ing your marriage.

Good luck to you.