SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted my situation on just found out yesterday and was refered to this thread. I recently found out that my H of 18 years has a 1yr old son with a women at work, this relationship had been going on for 2yrs. I don't know what caused my H to tell me but he did. I am hurt and confused. I gave him a chose to work on our marriage or leave he said he loved me and want to work on us. It has been very hard for me as well as him. We have 3 children ages 18yrs, 16yrs and 13yrs I made him tell them, I don't know if I did the right thing but as a family they should know. I feel stupid for letting him stay but 18yrs is a long time. He says he won't be with this OW but he want to see and financial this OC. This OW works in the same place as my H I've never met her,or seen her I when he told her he was going to work on R. She was upset according to my husband and said she was going to file for CS. I don't know if I can go through with this I hurt so much I think I can't cry anymore, I have the support of my children but I don't know what to do.

I have a question in reference to child support. I receive CS for my two kids now and will receive more once the baby is born plus half of daycare. Once the OW goes for child support, will they try to reduce my amount? The reason that I ask is because H is obviously going to need some money to live on and the courts won't let him stay broke. He doesn't make all that much money and I just want to make sure that I don't get penalized for her choices.

(((((andrea28))))) Welcome to this support thread--I read the responses you got on JFO, please follow the advice. And post and/PM any of us in the same situation.

My H's OC was born on 1/28/06--and my H too wants to be a father to this boy in some manner. A little different in that FOW lives across the country now, but the issues of some continued contact with her are the same.

Marriage counseling can be a help if you get the right person. Bouncing off things with a third party there ready to comment or defuse the emotions is good.

Sounds like your H has ended the affair, but he should be prepared to be an open book from now on, especially since they work together. And if she's upset, well that's life--her karma if you will. YOU are the one who counts now and your marriage.

Good luck and keep posting, reading, and PM'ing if necessary.

Hello ladies!

I have not posted in awhile but I have Been lurking. Update on me.

This thread has been active. Welcome all the new SSI friends, sorry your here for the reason that you are. But the support is great.

As for me, I made the decision awhile back (in January) to D my H. I couldn't take the thought of seeing the OC or OW. I do have pictures of the OC (2 yrs old), only because I asked for them by my H.

I just wanted to say that I made the best decision for me and my newborn child (7months). Once I realized I could do it all on my own, all the stress started to lift. My H is still trying to get me back, but I WOKE UP and actually looked back at the past 15 years of our marriage. I questioned all the good, bad, and fun times, and the communication. I asked myself what was our future going to be like, and not that I couldn't have coped with it but did I WANT to deal with it. I felt betrayed and it didn't matter to me about all the apologizing he was doing, because basically what was done was done! Not Only did he commit adultery but he fathered a F;;,ing Child.

But Even with all that said I did forgive him, but will never forget and that was a part of the problem. We do get along quite well right now. He will watch our child as needed. When he is over to visit his daughter he will help out around the house without me asking.

And best thing of all is I can make him leave whenever I want to. And thanks to you ladies I was the first to file for CS. The OW still has not file after 2 years.

Those of you who are supporting your spouses i commend you. Good luck and best wishes.

Thanks for listen

Andrea - check your state laws about CS and how it works. In NY if the man pays the OW, it's the same as admitting paternity. Otherwise the OW has to sue the man for paternity, a DNA test follows and the court decides the CS amount. You always have the option to negotiate but I WOULD NOT take the OW word for it. She's already been in one lying relationship, what does it matter to her to lie about the father of her child? Protect yourself and your children. I personally agree w/ your decision to tell your children. They are all of an age where they will figure it out on their own. Better for them to hear the truth from their father then to have overactive imaginations. It will also serve as a HUGE lesson that actions have consequences. Maybe your H learned that lesson as well when you made him come clean w/ the kids. I applaud your strength!!

Scorpio - I don't know about FL but I have a friend who is a single mom in Miami and I can ask her if you want. She's in the process of moving the jurisdiction of her custody from IL to FL. Just let me know.

Wimsey - was paternity proven by testing or is your H being sentimental?

Sapphire - big hug to you. The decision could not have been easy but I too applaud you for being strong. You will survive!!

Twokidsmommy had a crappy day. First CS court hearing for her H. Let's all send her a big hug of support.

Have a good evening everyone.

BW

My Posting was betrayed but still in love- My situation is crazy just to be brief this man lied to me for 2 years and I found out via mail . Yes the child support order came to my house! Well court is the 28th and I want go when I asked him he stated that this was something he needed to do on his own at first i fell for it but then I was like HELL NO! so I plan on making my way to NC to be there without his knowledge. I have never meet nor spoken to this woman each time i mention it to him he says its not a good idea. Thats why I feel like I have to go because I still feel like hes lying about something. I have already said to myself that Im just going to be a fly on the wall I wiil not speak to him or her I just want to observe what happens and the way he acts around her, does that make sense ?? Or do I sound crazy? :

scorpio- Here in MS, the CS for OW doesn't affect CS orders already in place. They go by his income after all of your payments are taken out. Here it is 14% for 1 child, 20% for 2.

Bigs HUGS to all of ya'll!! This stuff SUCKS!!!!

I would go to the hearing also if i were you isrel.

Andrea did he and she tell the people they work with that its his child was there a dna test?

Was it like another little family thing going on at his work? Did he go to the birth?

Babyshower?

1st birthday ect?

How is he going to explain this to his family?

Do his friends already know?

Does he want your children to have contact as well? I think that is a BAD idea if he does.

[This message edited by PHOEBE at 4:16 PM, March 17th (Friday)]

Hi. I just found out about this thread when I posted the following on JFO:

"Wow it's been a few tough weeks. We begin counseling on Monday. I hear many success stories and was just wondering for those who have made it through a situation similar to mine (another child by the OW), how were you able to get there? I know right now I can't see through this tornado and cannot make any rational decisions right now, but I just wanted to know if R is even possible in this situation?"

My situation is my SO had an affair over 2 years ago (I was pregnant at the time). We worked hard the last two years and we both were getting back our lives until one night we had a huge fight, I threw him out. I just found out on 3/1 that that night I threw him out 7/05 he had a ONS and got her pregnant. We received papers in the mail for child support. The child was born on 3/10. My SO wants nothing to do with the child. The OW had a fiance at the time and the only reason she had the child is that she had had an abortion before and was afraid. My SO wants his life with me and his daughter. He cries every day for his mistake and wants to do everything in his power to make it happen. He suggested counseling which I agreed to.

Again, is R even conceivable in this situation? I'm so afraid.

lost

i am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

can it get any worse? hardly!

there are several of us here that are slugging our way through R. it is possible but i won't lie to you, it is probably that hardest thing i've ever had to do at this point in my life.

i found out in sept. that my H had a 3 month EA that culminated in a very brief PA resulting in, you guessed it, a pregnant OW.

here it is 6 months later and we are still struggling, at least i am. my H went NC immediately and hasn't had any to my knowledge. NC is essential as far as i'm concerned.

he to wants to have nothing to do with OC. this works for me so far, i couldn't have stayed otherwise.

the OC is due any day or maybe has been born as far as we know. in a way it's hard not to know but that's the choice we've made. i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

there are others here who i am sure will speak up, that have H who have contact but are supportive of the marriage, contact only with OC.

i can't imagine how hard that is.

i guess i'm saying that if the remorse is truly there and you are going to MC (essential a far as i am concerned) it is possible...but....DAMN hard and hard for a VERY long time.

i still struggle every day with what he has done to my life.

cat

Just curious, anyone know a site or thread for the H's who are dealing with this? I am not sure my H would be interested--but it seems they have us for support, and we have each other, but they have no one else perhaps? I would be happy if my H could find someone else who is going through this and also wants NC with the OW and the OC.

Been a tough couple of weeks for me...this really sucks doesn't it? I am so tired of obsessing over the bitch. I ran through the script in my head today of going to her apartment and telling her that I feel bad that her little ready-made family didn't work out the way she planned. And by the way, what was she thinking...that I am the bad guy and the awful wife and made my H run into the arms of a whore and attempted home wrecker?? Well, I guess I do get the last laugh, because her little ploy didn't work after all.

Now to just get through the rest of the mess....

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:51 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

Hi all,

Friday absolutely sucked. OW emailed H whining about how terrible and cruel he has been to her throughout this situation. She's the only one who matters - I guess I didn't get the email. H waiting 3 hours and then replied and copied our lawyer. I was, at first, annoyed he didn't tell me and that he replied at all. However he was dealing w/ shit from his family AGAIN, so I gave him a break. Response basically said please respect I'm at work. Paternity will end this once and for all and afterward H will know his rights and options. (He's SO frustrated that she holds all the cards and that he, unlike her, does not have a choice in this. I agree.) Well, that email opened up a shitstorm and she replied and copies our lawyer as well. She basically questioned my H's integrity, claimed she didn't know what he was talking about regarding her constant emailing (from a few months ago), alluded to the fact that apparently she asked for his SSN (a long time ago) which he refused to give her, and that her lawyer asked ours for my H's insurance. WTF? Found out in this same email that OC is probably going to be premature (f-ing great) and OW wants "the best" medical care for the kid. She JUST DOESN'T GET IT! You can't just USE our insurance. You have to use yours first and then ours, provided all the paternity agreement details are in place. She goes on to attack his character, says he's a coward and that she's going to "out" him to everyone and that she's in the right business to do so (advertising). I almost wish she would so we could slap a libel and slander lawsuit on the bitch. FYI - she's sending the threats from her work email and I will not hesitate to threaten to tell her employer when the time comes.

To top it all off, now H says he's confused, doesn't know if he wants a relationship w/ the kid! WTF!? I am pregnant w/ our first and I cannot deal with this shit. H said back in October that he realized what was important to him was me. As far as I see it, if you chose me then you have NC w/ OW and OC. Period. Not negotiable.

I'm going to wait and see how this plays out. He also said that part of him wants joint custody for the sole purpose of driving her nuts but ladies, I cannot have that child in my home. I can't do it. I won't. I'm not going to be a stepmother to her kid. I won't change the kid's diaper or give him a bottle. Forget it. It's MY time now. MY CHILD AND ME COME FIRST.

Other thing H told me is that he did a bad thing but that doesn't make him a bad person and that he's going to pay for this (OW/OC) for the rest of his life. I told him he's not a bad person but he did do a bad thing. That's reality. He's having a hard time forgiving himself and I think he lets OW's evil words get to him b/c he has so much guilt over what he's done.

My shrink says I need to focus on me, staying healthy for the baby and let him take care of himself. I'm definitely the stronger of the two of us. How do I let go so he can own this shit?

BW

P.S. Lawyer said to ignore OW again...so frustrating. Nothing we can do until her brat is born. I hate this crap.

Hmmm...sounds like a script that these OWs follow. In our case the OW also contacted my H about a month before the OC was born, complaining he is not helping...she wanted him to arrange her moving to a new apt, and that she was having medical problems. Also made threats on company email and cell phones and then flipped out when my H didn't respond fast enough. No I guess they just DON'T GET IT!!!

It could all be a ploy because reality is hitting...keep strong. (((((((((BW))))))))

cat33, thanks. No I don't think it can get any worse. SO wants nothing to do with her or the OC. It was a ONS and he is so angered at himself for what he did but even more angered that she had the child. I know this will be the hardest thing I've ever had to face. I still don't know whether I will stay with him or not. I love him and I know he loves me and our child but is that enough? I don't know. And I have nightmares of this woman showing up at our home with her child and then my child finding out. I'm scared to death and know it will happen. Hell the OW only lives 45 minutes away. She was engaged and chose to lose her finance over a child with a guy she knew had a family.

She said she an abortion before and was scared. So she decided to ruin everyone's life involved. I don't want my daughter to EVER know she has a little brother by some other woman. IT JUST KILLS ME.

I think they do it because they are so selfish. Selfish enough to sleep with someone else's H/SO, selfish about having a kid...not caring how much their actions can hurt others, including their own children that they are bringing into the world.

How many of them will walk away from their own children when it didn't prove to get them what they wanted? I know this can happen, because it did to my brother. He has full custody of a 10 year old girl from a short term relationship with a crazy bitch. If my H's xOW decides she doesn't want the kid, I don't know what we'll do. Adoption to another family is certainly an option we would consider.

My two kids will know one day, but many, many years from now. I feel it will take that long to lay the groundwork so they don't make the same mistakes, and so they know they are not at fault. Or perhaps they won't ever know...However, I think that is just a nice fantasy....

Some days are just so hard.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 9:11 PM, March 28th (Tuesday)]

Yes, it's just a nice fantasy. I believe our children will find out one day. I told my SO to be prepared to tell our daughter what happened because it's not for me to explain.

I asked my SO if it was all worth it. Was that one night of screwing her worth a lifetime of pain and suffering.

THIS IS A MAJOR RANT!!!!

I am absolutely furious at the moment-at the OW who seems to really misunderstand where her place is in the scheme of things. Since I cannot contact her---something that is just making me crazy at the moment, this is what I would like to say to her. If she has the nerve to lurk here---then so be it.

Dear OW,

I feel you are acting like you have a real chip on your shoulder that you did not "win the man", and get your way and your little ready-made family. I'm not sure I can understand what you are thinking and that attempting to punish us is the way to solve things.

Your revised agreement made me laugh. I especially like how you excluded me from its wording. Well, guess what--I don't go away, as much as you might like me to. My H made a mistake, but that is between me and him. You are an outsider to our relationship. He never had a relationship with you. It was just sex no matter what you think it was. Get over it.

As to how much money you think you should get; get over that too. It doesn't exist. I'm not sure what you are thinking. You are so far off on what we have, and what our children get, its funny. There is no luxurious living, private school or activities, and no college funds. You want to see the proof, that's fine. Just ask for it and stop making up lies about our life.

As to H being reasonable and handling this earlier, you refused to do pre-natal paternity testing. As far as we knew you slept with every guy in the office. According the rumors you shared yourself, it certainly seemed that way. We have asked you since day one what are you looking for, but it appears from your actions that you can't get what you want so instead you are acting what I consider to be completely childish and vindictive.

I think it is sad that you are using your child as a pawn to benefit and get payback for a relationship you wanted, but couldn't get. I would like to believe that the only reason you are demanding so much is that you are wishing your child had a relationship with his father. Are you fooling yourself that is what you want, when perhaps you really want him? Either way, consider how your actions are only pushing him further away, not closer.

And on the same note, if you think your actions are putting a wedge between my and H, you are wrong. Handling this issue together has brought us closer, perhaps to the point that someday we may even be grateful for how this event made us see how much we have always meant to each other and leaned on each other for support. The little sex foray with you was just a blip in our relationship, it will NEVER define it.

It may anger you to no end, but I want to tell you that my H has shared every detail, every email and every conversation he has had with you. I have forgiven him for his mistake of having sex with you. I just truly can't understand what kind of a person would have sex with another woman's husband, bear a child out-of-wedlock, and then think that she deserves payment for it. I would be truly ashamed of myself. I'm not sure that I can ever forgive you, and for that I feel guilty, but again, I have realized that whats done is done and it needs to be put behind us. Going forward we can only do what is right, for OUR family and children.

For my H, that means all his kids. Please remember it is not your decision what is right for H to do. It is his, and only his. You do not have control over that. He has obligations, but he also has rights, of both privacy and of what kind of relationship HE will choose to have with your child. And guess what, he wants me involved with every decision he makes.

You can continue to keep making this difficult and that is your decision. Only you have to live with whatever actions it is that you choose to take. H and I will do what is right, not what is your wishes or in reaction to some outrageous demand from you. I can only ask that you get ahold of what is really important and cut out the rest of the crap. It is serving no purpose except to enflame yourself, and everyone else around you.

2kidsmomny

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 11:24 AM, March 30th (Thursday)]

Excellent vent 2kidsmommy!!! That's exactly how I feel.

TKM,

Once again you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm going to have you ghost write my letter to our OWSkank when the time comes.

You rock! Sending you a big hug!

BW

TKM you rock , very well said.

I will utilize your services as well lol.