SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need some info from others who are in the same boat. I will be "meeting" the OC in a month or so for the first time--I put that in quotes because he'll only be 4 months old at the time!

I've read that actually seeing and holding the OC is awful for the BS--as bad as d-day for some. And that was bad. I'm expecting some profound hurt, tsunami-ing of all the feelings that accompanied d-day, but am wondering how long that intense pain lasts? We will be travelling and visiting just a few days later and I don't really want to be suffering all the PTSD stuff I did last July while I'm trying to be happy at a wedding!

Can those of you who met your OC tell me how it felt and how long you were a basket case? Thanks.

I don't have any advice to offer because I haven't met my H's OC yet either. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that you're in this situation too.

My H had his dna test done last Wednesday (the 12th). They said he would get the results in the mail within 2 weeks. I'm totally dreading it. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do if this child really is his.

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!

Thanks April--and yes, it really, really SUCKS. Will let you know what happens--fortunatly it doesn't happen til end of May, but already I'm dreading it.

never met the kid nor will I want to. I wouldnt mind seeing a pic but not in person.

I have met OC, and let me tell you it is a very surreal experience to look at this child and to know that his or her being here has completley destroyed your life.

I harbor no ill feelings about OC but I definatley would prefer that this child was never born. It is a very painful situation and my heart was beating so fast that I thought that I was going to have a heart attack right there.

OC looks like EXOW to me, which is a good thing. I think that if he would have looked like my two boys I would have killed my H.

April0639... I know the pain of waiting for those test results it is absolute agony. We had to wait 8 weeks and when the results came in the other part of me died that day and it was the last part that was left after hearing of the affair and pregnancy.

I am two years out from the time that I first heard all the gory details. I don't cry over it anymore but I still hurt. It does get easier to handle over time but it never goes away.

This is a club that I would do anything to not be in.

Good luck

No results yet. The 2 weeks will be up on Wednesday, the 26th. Ain't it just my luck that's my birthday? I just KNOW it will be in the mail then. Hell of a birthday present huh?

always--I could have written your post. I have not met OC and don't intend to, but feel the same way. He too, looks like OW, thank goodness.

You know, I think that OW that chooses to have an OC is the most selfish person out. Especially if they are doing it with the intent to trap a man.

I am so tired of my situation and the OC is not even born yet. I think it's just going to get worse. Supposedly, my H told OW that he can't afford another child and she's aware of his financial situation. She said that she could do for herself and whatever little amount she would get in CS. But she constantly calls H with all of her problems, as if they are his problems.

I had heard that she caught one of her children's father having an A and when he wanted to stay with the other women, the OW walked away. Well, what happened here? Does she think she found her meal ticket and refuses to let go?

I told my H that having an A with her does not make him responsible for her. His responsibility is here and even the law will back me up on that. If she can't pay the rent or electricity, well, that's her problem. I told my H that in the future she will constantly contact him because she figures he will help her since one of her children is his. But should he pay to have her whole family living good?

Also, she believes that I am moving and that he will stay with her when I leave. I told him that he should stop leading her to believe that they will be together and that all her problems will be solved. When he lived with her, she was paying most of the bills anyway since half of his income came to me.

I blame my H most of all because he doesn't have the balls to tell her to leave him be. The OC is not here yet, so why bother? And if she thinks that he's giving her anything beyond CS, she is mistaken. By the time she gives birth, I will have three kids and they will come first. I can't feel bad and won't be made to feel bad for however she has to live. She made the choice and she will have to live with that choice.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. And if OW has a problem with what I posted, then she can complain to H like she always does. I don't give a shit how she feels because I and my kids come first.

My husband's son was born in March 2003. I did not find out about it until Feb 2005(paternity test is 99% for my husband). My husband wanted OW to have an abortion, but of course, she already has one child out of wedlock. Why not 2? As far as I know he has never met the child.

I encouraged my husband to see his son, if this is what he wanted to do. I know this is not popular but I have too many male family members without fathers in their lives. They are adults and still angry about this.

I have to say, that the fact that my husband has not contacted his son has me looking at my husband differently. I always assumed he would do the "right" thing and he has not. I have always been taught you take care of your own.

I find myself hoping that he never contacts his son but I feel bad about it because again this goes against how I was raised. As if not seeing him will erase the nightmare. I hope to never see the mother again because I guarantee you it is not going to be pretty for HER!

I feel like my husband has let me down,sort of. First of all for having the affair, next for trying to conceal it, and lastly for not taking responsibility for his actions.

I love my husband very much and he is very remorseful. We are in the process of reconcilling.

Does anybody else feel this way?

I agree with you on most of what you said except with the man seeing the child well all circumstances are different and trust me your husband is saving you a lot of heartache by not involving the ow in you life by trying to see the oc, that he prob didnt want in the first place.

Oh waiting on test results is almost as bad as finding out they are positive for your h being the father.

I am serious I am so indifferent to the child and ow its scary. I always thought I would hate her I dont even care if she lives or dies and i just came to this realization recently, weird feeling.

This is almost too painful for me to write this morning (it's been a bad day or so). My husband concealed his OW/OC for 18 years. I only found out when OW emailed me (see below).

The situation sucks, any way you look at it. In trying to put a positive spin on my situation at least I didn't have to deal with the subject the past 18 years; now it's just for the *rest* of my life.

By comparison, a simple "affair" would have been easy to handle (and dismiss) for me. A living, breathing reminder of infidelity for the rest of your life is another matter entirely.

Sorry I can't elaborate further; as I said, it's been a "down" 24 hours....just a part of my life, with no real catalyst (R is going well) since this knowledge forever changed the innocence, trust and blind faith I had in my H and my marriage. It hurts to know another woman experienced the almost sacred right to bear your husband's child.

BeeTrayed,

I am so sorry, that breaks my heart. I cannot begin to imagine the feelings that come with this.

always--you are absolutely right that the OW is a completely selfish woman. My H is getting through this, the CS agreement is just about done, and the amount of money she wants is ridiculous. But she will get a good amount of it because she had the sense enough to get herself knocked up by a guy who makes a decent salary. GOLDDIGGER THIEF--if you want my honest opinion. I know a woman who has a kid (teenager now) that she never got a dime from the father, not sure if she even knows who it is. Our joke is that some busboy bent her over a table--she was a waitress at the time. If my H didn't make good money would OW even attempted what she did? She has been given a license to be a thief. First to steal a child from my H, and then to extort money on a monthly basis to improve her standard living. I hope she considers this child a gift, but it is an illgotten one.

She had the nerve to complain to my H in their settlement meeting that she has to go home to take care of a kid every night when he can go out and see his friends, have dinner and drinks. WAKE UP--he has a wife and kids he goes home too--REMEMBER?!?!

My H does not want to see or have a relationship with the child--his children from our marriage come first, and always will. I am thankful for that, but H realizes that this was not something he asked for, didn't plan for,and will meet his obligations that the law says he must, but that is it. OW is an outsider, always will be. She has to look in the mirror everyday knowing that what she got is by selfish means. I have to live with my H's mistake, but am also blessed that this brought us closer and made us stronger. H made a mistake and has done the right thing to move on from it.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 10:46 AM, April 23rd (Sunday)]

beetryed how did you not miss the money? I feel sick to my stomach for you. so sorry.

Did he have any DNA done? Is he positive it was his child all these yrs?

Was there court? How did he get served without your knowledge? I am not sure if I am happy i know now of if it would have been better to not know all these yrs. I know i would have wanted to know but sometimes ignorance is bliss. kwim

BeeTrayed--

I can't imagine what you are going through--shock in a timewarp!

Look at this way, my guess is your H wanted to protect you, not that it is right, but his intentions probably were misguided but good. My SIL had an affair many years ago and her H doesn't know. She bears the guilt but says she didn't tell him because it would have broke his heart.

Also, your sitch is over and behind you, so even though you will need to come to terms with it and forgive him, you won't have a daily reminder as many of us on this thread do. Not to try and minimize your pain--only to give you some rational reasons why you can get through this ((((((beetrayed))))))

Twokidsmommy,

My H doesn't make a lot of money and even if he did, I filed for CS first. I guess OW thought she found the guy that would make everything better because she never filed for CS for her other two kids but you can bet that she will try to get everything she can from H.

I can't believe that she is complaining about having to go home to a baby every day. Isn't that what she wanted? Or did she expect your H to be there to help raise this child? Since your H doesn't want anything to do with the child, does that mean she won't be calling for every little thing? Boy, are you lucky!

I can't feel bad if the OC gets less than my kids with everything. That's something that both of them should have thought of. My kids were here first and just because she's having a kid doesn't mean that my kids get pushed out of the way to make room for her kid.

Phoebe:

My H always had the "household" money deposited into a joint account that I paid the bills out of, ran the household, etc. As long as I had what I needed to accomplish this task I didn't care about where the rest was being invested. Truthfully, I always thought the numbers didn't quite all add up, but believed my now diseased mother and sister-like cousin that he was socking additional money away for our retirement,... and he was (just not all of it...the OW/OC got a good chunk of it).

He never had DNA done until I demanded it "after the fact" 18 years later. His fear of exposure made him admit to paternity, though he suspected other men (less succesful, unmarried and therefore not as blackmailable) were also screwing her at this time.She refused to do the DNA, after agreeing to it over the phone. We both think there is an excellent possibility that the OC is not his but I no longer care to confirm it. I've been hurt enough by this, and I want her to go to her grave knowing she could have proven OC was his and did not, for her own selfish reasons (she is a control freak and wanted proof beyond the pharmacist's written statement that the DNA was my H's).

Yes, she took him to court. H works out of a different state, so all activities took place there, through his place of employment.

And yes, ignorance *WAS* bliss.I will *never* get over the cruel, intentional manner the OW chose to seek revenge on my H when he refused to be blackmailed into further CS after his obligation ended . I was an innocent victim to her dispicable action.

twokidsmommy:

You are right of course. My marriage is better, stronger, more intimate as a result of this tragedy, partly because it *is* in the past and I don't have to deal with the reality of monthly CS, etc. Gee, maybe I should write OW a thank you note...NOT!

And one more thing....the OC forum is the only place in SI.com where I get the sense that people truly understand just how emotional this issue is. We are all, for the most part, walking in the same moccasins. I want to scream when I hear people moan about the poor OC! There wouldn't have *been* a poor OC if the miserable whore hadn't chosen to fuck a married man and then compound her error by having a bastard child. Strong words, I know....but the way I feel.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 4:57 PM, April 23rd (Sunday)]

BeeTrayed - hit the nail on the head with your last para. Feels good to say it, have it heard, and have people see our side of it. In our case OW is acting like the slighted wife--DUHHHH!! she should have thought of that before she screwed my H!

The OW w/ OC are SO SELFISH! I wonder how they fit in an elevator...their ego must take up most of the space.

Hussies...

If not their egos then surely their mouths, as they bitch moan and complain about their circumstances.