SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

betrayed,

i'm sorry i dont have anything to say to make it better right now..but please now that i feel your pain and your frustration b/c i live it 24/7!! b/c i too have no say, as i've said before basically all our options SUCK...i feel like if i let things be okay than its as if i was ok with the A. we fight a lot if i vent too much or get too angry and then he tells me that i'm making it impossible for him to stay with me. I know these children are innocent..but so are we dammit. We didnt ask for all this hurt, pain and unfairness!! But he told me that the baby is just a child..and I'm an adult so I am suppose to handle it like an adult. Well, I wish it was that freakin easy! There really is nothing to do...if we have chosen to stick this out, then we do have to come to terms with it and accept it (but of course we all know that rationally right?) But show me one person here who is thinking rationally right now?! If we weren't human we would just walk away...be we are all human because it hurts...all of it hurts. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Sending a great big hug your way...

Hugs right back at you and I agree w/ what you say. Why are we, the spouses, not victims too? Yes the child is innocent. But that doesn't mean it gets more consideration than I do as the betrayed wife...where's my monthly check to support me while I deal with all the fallout crap from his A? I'm innocent too in the sense that I had no say so.

God I wish we still lived in IL...I'd sue the OW for alienation of affection. It's still legal to do back home...

BetrayedWife, why would you have to give up the $25,000? Shouldn't child support be taken from his pay? Why should you have to give up on your dream of adopting? If you do, don't you think you will feel more resentment, especially towards your H? Why should you give up your dream of having a child but he gets to have one?

BW,

You are coming out of the "twilight zone" of surrealism and into the reality of the situation. It's not that it wasn't real before, as God knows it was, but now you have to act on it.

I remember wanting/insisting my H get the DNA test done, then getting sick when I received the kit in the mail and he did it. Of course, ultimately OW did not, and I am SO glad she didn't, for reasons I've already stated (her never being able to prove paternity , despite the 18 years of CS) .

Anyway, I think your H is trying to shield/protect you (not unlike mine did for 18 frickin' years). I know in my heart that those 18 years of "innocence" are the reason I'm still in this marriage. If he'd told me back then I'm sure I did not have the emotional capacity to stay in the marriage under those circumstances and I would have been *right* where you are now, with the future, and all its anguish, looming ahead of me.

I say,let him "protect" you from this additional pain/aggravation.You have enough on your plate at the moment. I know that you have anger, fear, pain and frustration, but I truly think he has your best interest at heart, and is probably in a more rational place mentally to do what has to be done. After all, he created the situation. Give him the space to rectify it as best as realistically possible without further salt on your wounds. At least he wants NC other than CS. For me, that says volumes.

Take a deep breath...exhale. Do it again.....

Thanks ladies...to answer your questions...

Scorpio: lawyer fees, back payments, medical costs for while she was pregnant, DNA testing, day care, etc. I can easily see most of the $25k being sucked up into paying those things. The dream isn't gone but by god I'm not putting it on hold to pay for that stuff. He can get another job for all I care.

Bee: yes I'm out of the twilight zone but I still feel numb. I prayed that OW would be so in love w/OC that she wouldn't want H near it. I guess her selfishness is rearing it's butt ugly head again. Rumor has it she makes mid 6 figures (I don't believe that) which is more than H, so she can easily afford this kid. I think she's pissed he didn't choose her, doesn't want to be involved, etc. and this is her way of getting back at him.

I'm very reluctant to just let H handle it. He keeps saying he has no options and I don't want him to roll over like the dog and let her walk all over us. This affects me, my welfare, my standard of living, my future children and if we're to remain a COUPLE I think we should make all decisions TOGETHER! I don't want to resent him one day in the future b/c I can't take a vacation or whatever b/c SHE needs her check. It's not fair to me. I'm not saying don't pay CS if it's proven he's the father, but I'm saying be fair to me by letting me have a voice in what is/is not agreed to.

Am I nuts for wanting to be involved??

BW,

No, you are not nuts, and I DO understand.

Do what you have to do to try and heal and feel safe.

Good luck

Why should you be left out of the decisions but give up the money. Seems you guys are partners in everything else, so why not on the issue of the OC and OW? Is everything going to be his way or the highway? And is the money in a joint account under both of your names? I know that you are still together but you need to protect your interests too.

When it comes down to child support, don't they compute both parents' income? If she makes more money, that should be taken into account.

I refuse to incur any debt to settle this. Therefore, what's in the bank will probably be used to "fix" the problem. Which means my plan will be on hold...again. It's sick. I don't want to be left out but H, I think, has a need to fix the problem and "redeem" himself in my eyes. Makes no sense to me as he's been doing that all along. Thoughts?

BW,

I don't have a feel for your H. But from my own experience I suggest that you micromanage every detail.

Why? Because you had always thought that he had your best interest at hand and he actually didn't. He doesn't get the 'pass' on trust right now. The event is still new and you have to see what he is going to do.

He hasn't been in this situation before. He doesn't know what he is going to do.

He should realize that he needs to earn and build your trust for him, by keeping you 100% informed. Suppose he makes a decision you can't live with and you find out after its a done deal?

In a cs order, what happens is that once paternity is established, father or mother can file suit. Which is sounds like she has filed suit against your H.

Now there will be a court hearing, and the judge will make an order for temporary child support, medical care and child care. Then after about 6 months or so, a final order will go through. Once that final order is through, you are pretty much out of luck to change anything in it.

Suppose your H agrees to pay child support until the oc finishes college? When all that he had to do was pay cs until the age of 18? How would you feel about that?

Or suppose he agreed to allowing her to get the tax exemption for the child every year;when your H could have got the exemption every other year? There are a whole lot of details that will affect YOU, not just your H. YOU NEED TO BE INVOLVED.

[This message edited by icando at 12:40 AM, June 30th (Friday)]

BW,

icando has made some very good points and I agree with them. Since I was definitely NOT in control of *anything* due to my H's deception, you can BET I am in control of *everything* now.

And damn right it's getting done MY way. So, forget my earlier (naive) post and go for the jugular (even if it might be your H's on occassion)!

BetrayedWife, the only thing that I have to say is that whatever problems you had in your marriage, having an A was the way that your H chose to handle it.

Not trying to rain on your parade because I'm in the same sitch also. But I would not allow my H to fix any problems with me being aware of just how he intends to fix them. He took me down the wrong path already and I won't go down that path again.

I think that you have every right to be involved if that's what you choose. Don't allow yourself to be blindsided and you should definitely look over all the paperwork and not just receive verbal information. Don't allow him to bind you to something you would not agree to.

I know this sounds crazy but I don't know what I would do w/o you guys right now. It's been 2 mo & I think that I'm starting to come out of the twilight zone also and I think I'm going crazy..seriously, my head hurts and my heart hurts so much I can breathe. I can't stop tears...and sometimes all I can do is sob. (sorry I'm being so pathetic right now...and that feeling is frustration also).

he claims we make decisions together..yet at the same time he tells me that he has to do the minimum and i have no say..b/c he says he has do to this..with or w/o me...i feel like if we had some time to fix us..some time to let me get a grip on things...i know i would be in full support of giving this child what he needs. its not the child i'm really concerned about its the OW. He says I have no right to try to micromanage b/c it won’t work that way and that I just have to trust that he is doing everything for us.

it was a ONS & he doesn't know her so he wants to keep things civil. on wed he had called her to tell her that we needed to swap next week b/c we are going to Lake Tahoe. so then she made some comment like..."so is 4 hrs a week enough?"...basically alluding to the fact that she would like to see him spend more time with the child. so the question begs.."what does she really expect from him?" they had no relationship..she must know that her son will never have and ideal father….arghh...it makes me sooo angry! what hurts most is that i don't know if he would choose me (not that i am asking him to have NC) he's made it clear that if i ask that of him then I could leave b/c he has to do minimum and the minimum is keeping him for 4 hrs a week and occasionally over night…in his mind that shouldn’t be that big of a deal…sure…whatever!

it all hurts either way...it hurts to stay...and it hurts leaving..i know that he is trying hard...but i wish for just a second he could understand and feel what i'm going through.

he has the OC on thrusday evenings and i am out of town so he offered to keep him over night..that hurt like hell..why? i don't know!! he ran out last night to buy a play pen for the OC last night b/c he rolls around when he sleeps...but that hurt like hell why? I can't even understand my own hurt anymore..which makes it impossible to explain to him..b/c he doesn't get it.

he is losing his patience with me and tells me that i am successfully pushing him away..and that if i dont stop fighting him on every little thing then he will have no choice but to leave me...

can someone give me some advice...its not that i want to fight him..its not that i'm trying to push him to leave me...i just don't know how else to be right now...why does those simple things of him buying a playpen hurt? he says that 1 night a week will be the max that he will have the child but why does that hurt also? That’s not really asking for too much right?

i need to find some way to mentally and emotionally stablize myself...b/c i feel like everything is falling on me...and i can't do a damn thing about it...

your thoughts..i was thinking of inviting him to check out this website and read through the different forums...good or bad idea?

thanks for listening you guys...i'd be even more lost w/o you guys...

So glad to find you!!!!!!!

We have no contact, and pay 800 a month in support. My heart aches so every day. They planned a life together, now there is part of him "out there" I hate the baby and I love hm. I cant understand. I feel like it should be me raising his son, I sometimes feel like I lost a child even.

Guys,

I promised my H I'd

spend time with him outside today (we just got back from shopping and he knows I spend a lot of time in SI), so I have to run.

I'm thinking of you though, and will get back later with some (hopefully) helpful thoughts.

Damn, I know how hard it is. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. You're entitled to how you are feeling right now, and for the foreseeable future.

More later..

Hugs

My inlaws support me, ever since dday. I told them immediately. I wasn't going to let him perpetrate being a good son who honors his family.

Over the course of time, I kept them informed of all the events. The same as I have told my child everything. The reason for that is because I know that the ow will come after my child one day. She will try to get $ from him, or do something to him. I wanted my inlaws informed, in case something happened to me or my H. Their being informed protects my child.

Anyhow one day I was telling my MIL how my H wasn't mean to me. But she pointed out that what he had done to me wasn't nice either. She also told me that he shouldn't do anything at all that wasn't agreeable to me. She also told that to her son. Her message to him was that he should be doing everything he needed to do to heal his wife and child.

That his wife and child are the priority and is what he should be focusing on.

There have been times when my H has felt weak, confused and guilty because he has NC with the oc. The reason why? Because #1, I said no. I said no because having that OW in my life will not work and I don't want those kinds of problems. I let him know that I DON'T SHARE MY HUSBAND KNOWINLY.

If my H was with the oc, focusing on oc, planning and spending time with oc; then to me that means I am sharing with OW. My H has his hands full with me and my child's activities. He has no free time anymore. He needs to use all available time that he has repairing the damage he has put on his family. No time for the OW/OC and her evil antics. she planned this disruption for me and my marriage. I will not let her get one iota of satisfaction that her planned worked.

The only thing she got out of her planned break up of my marriage is, a child she doesn't really want, cs$'s, and expensive legal bills that she owes. And since I reported that she is getting cs to welfare, she got cut off from welfare also.

Her plan has not worked at all. She got the baby she wanted by my H, and some $, but she is spending it up in her legal fees. She has legal fees because I had my H sue her first to establish paternity. Once the man sues first, the ow has defend herself. And if she is on welfare, that state will not become a party in that lawsuit. So they will not go after the man. If they did it would be like they are going to provide lawyers for the welfare receipient.

If your H is doing something to hurt you he shouldn't be. If he cares and really loves you, he won't do anything to add on more hurt. That was the point that my MIL was giving me and to my H.

Take care. I cried and sobbed for the first 2 weeks straight. Then I cried everyday after that, but just not 24 hours a day. Now I cry every blue moon. Not too often anymore. When I do cry it has nothing to do with OC or OW, but that my H was so uncaring and unloving to allow this to happen.

[This message edited by icando at 11:58 PM, June 30th (Friday)]

"can someone give me some advice...its not that i want to fight him..its not that i'm trying to push him to leave me...i just don't know how else to be right now...why does those simple things of him buying a playpen hurt? he says that 1 night a week will be the max that he will have the child but why does that hurt also? That’s not really asking for too much right?"

Crazed:

I haven't gotten back here since yesterday, but believe me, I've been thinking about you a lot. Buying a playpen? You bet it hurts! It's a concrete reminder of the fact that there is a child in your marriage that should not be there. DO NOT beat yourself up for having these feelings! Whatever you are feeling is normal right now! That includes grief, sadness, anger, feeling selfish, despair....*all of it*! You have a right to feel this way.

One night a week? Shit, if he hadn't been so damn irresponsible you wouldn't be dealing with this crap now. Truth is, it's not the "one night a week" that's killing you. It's the simple fact that it's ANY night a week. Doesn't your H get that? You're not supposed to have an OC in *your* marriage!!! Truthfully, neither my H or I can understand any man having contact with an OC and still try and save his marriage. We think it puts a completely unrealistic burden on the BS, in spite of all the "noble" reasons a H states wanting to have contact. Where was this nobility when he/they had the affair? Sorry, I'm starting to rant. But it has been said here in this thread before, so I don't really want to repeat it too much again. BS have rights also; it's not just about the OC's rights. You have the right to a peaceful, OW/OC free marriage if that's what you choose. I think a H should respect that and act accordingly. They can't have it both ways at the expense of the BS mental well-being. I think it is a rare woman indeed who can truly be so self-sacrificing to live with the constant reminder of OW/OC. And those who don't ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE!They/we just know our limits.

Repeat: you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You are *human*! A marriage is *two people*, not three and a half!

"i need to find some way to mentally and emotionally stablize myself...b/c i feel like everything is falling on me...and i can't do a damn thing about it..."

Can you visit family or a close friend for a few days/weeks? Can you afford counseling? Is there someone you trust who you can talk to and unburden yourself from all this emotion you are trying to hold in or control? I really think some "time-out" is in order here. Your H needs to understand this. Maybe if you are not around a few days he can reflect on what he has done to you and your marriage also, without the conflict that your pain creates. Remember, anger masks pain. Remind your H of this if you have to.I never considered myself a candidate for counseling in the past, but with the arrival of D Day I quickly realized I needed help dealing with this traumatic event and sought counseling. I kept at it until I found one who understood where I was coming from and what I needed to do to facilitate healing.

The article on PTSD in the healing library here really helped both me and my H understand just how beyond my control my feelings were. Have you read it? It was written by a gal named Erica. My IC is now treating me for PTSD, something that I would never have thought I qualified for (being a simple wife, rather than a combat veteran!).

"your thoughts..i was thinking of inviting him to check out this website and read through the different forums...good or bad idea?"

I did this with my H and found it was a positive. While he doesn't spend the time that I do in SI he has read many of the articles, including the Wayward Forum and how a WS should act in order to facilitate the BS healing, and has gained much positive insight into the matter through third party feedback. He was doing all the right things before I discovered SI, but this website has shed light on many issues that we were experiencing and did not fully understand.

One final thought that has been nagging me, and I suspect may be hard for you to read (since I had the same thoughts suggested to me at first). Are you sure your H's ONS was just that? It just seems odd to me that he would have such a sense of "duty" to an OC based on one night of drunken sex.

Take care. I am busy these days (currently nursing back to health a very sick stray kitten with serious health issues that showed up at 11 pm last night)but I really wanted to provide some support for you. I'm in a pretty good place these days (like all of us that can change in a nano second!)and I want to give back to this site.

Try to be happy crazed. I know that is a tall order now; possibly impossible..but work towards that goal and do what you have to do to achieve it.

Hugs.

crazed:

A few more thoughts after I sent this:

Your H is trying to tell you that he is just doing the "minimum". Be advised that this situation will only continue to maximize. OW will make more and more demands upon your H as the OC grows. The needs of a child are constant, and it doesn't get any easier with age. The needs just change. If your H agrees to cooperate with OW's demands now, they will only grow in size, nature and cost as the OC develops. You have to ask yourself how will you cope with these demands on your H and marriage both now (in their "minimum" level and later when they inevitably become more "maximum" and complex). Your H is being either naive, stupid or both.

Incidently, this additional comment to my above post was prompted by my H reading what I had written. If anyone has experience with OW/OC it's the guy who created the situation (in this case my H). I think you would be wise to consider this additional insight and carefully weigh your options, both now and in the future. Sad as it may be, perhaps it would be better to cut your losses and start anew. I know that is easier said than done.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 12:41 PM, July 1st (Saturday)]

bumping this because there was a newbie in recon who is having OC issues...I told her about this thread so I'm bringing it up where she can find it.

Quick update...nothing new. We have not heard back from our lawyer yet. H hasn't asked me for documentation to give the lawyer and I'm not taking the initiative and pulling it together either. His mess, he can do the work. I know I sound bitter and I'm trying hard not to. However, maybe it's time I let him see what it would be like w/o my help...thoughts?

BW,

Don't know what the power dynamics are in your marriage but I certainly understand the bitter part. In fact, I wonder when/how long it will be before I can "let go" of it for the benefit of my own health.

If your H is anything like mine, he may be consciously shutting out the entire matter (compartmentalizing) in order to avoid the guilt, pain and whatever else goes through a WS brain in order to distance themselves emotionally from what they have done, both to himself, you, and the OC. (I deliberately left out the OW, as it was HER decision to have the OC). If this is the case with your H, then you really may need to keep prodding the matter. I know my H would love for me to put this all in the past, but as you know, we have an 18 year time warp between how he felt at the time (18 years ago) and how I feel in the present. This has been a bit of a roadblock in our R, because, understandably, some of the details I crave/need have simply been forgotten. OW was such an insignificant f*ck with such lasting consequences.

My H and I are doing well, but there is always this underlying bitterness and anger that I struggle with, not to mention the continual "shock value" of the whole matter. I'm hoping time and IC will help me get beyond it, as we have a bright future and (very soon) retirement to enjoy together.

Try not to let it (bitterness) undermine your R though. We all know there are "good" days and there are "bad" days. I, too, am still waiting on the attorney for the NC letter and the information on the OC's probation status, ability to leave his state because of it,etc. It really does wear on me, because I SO want to be done with this shit, and I vehemently want them to know there will be consequences for any further contact with my family.

Take care.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 7:13 AM, July 7th (Friday)]

bumping for a newbie in JFO

[This message edited by SCORNED at 12:07 AM, July 9th (Sunday)]