SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"iknowiamnotalone"

Congrats!

What a relief to know that your baby is 100% healthy. What a wonderful blessing.

Iknow,

Congrats! We miscarried at the end of April and genetic testing revealed it was a down syndrome case. We were devastated but heartened at the chance that it's slim to happen again. I'm almost 39 and a half and it would have been my first. We are trying again and pursuing adoption.

Now if OW/OC would just drop off the face of the earth my life would be complete! SIGH!

The OW called and left a voice mail for H. I asked if we could listen to it together. He agreed.

This is the synopsis: I am calling again and decided to leave a message this time. I am not surprised you did not answer your phone. I heard you have been busy. Someone else is knocked up. I heard you are not living at home and are living with someone else. Anyway, someone else had stepped up to the plate. I expected more from you. I guess I will just petition you. I have your address even though you are suppossedly not there anymore. I hope the baby is not yours.

The first thing he said was "You do not belive her do you?" And I do not. Obviously he is still home and I have no reason to think he was with anyone else. I have to started believing him sometime right?

He said he is nervous about the situation. Who wouldn't be right? Yet he fell asleep with no problem last night! I was up for hours thinking about this! What is it with men???

So now we wait and see if and when she petitions him. As soon as we do, we are retaining a lawyer. A $1000 retainer is worth it even if the child is not his.

One more hump down. Onto the next.

Iknowiamnotalone:

Great news! Any names picked out?

Kristine,

Your H can petition her as soon as the child is born, since she claims that its his. You can go to a lawyer now and get things started, have a plan. Don't wait for her to do anything. Hit her with a petition in the hospital the day after she delivers. She realize then, just how much your H is NOT attached to her.

Also, if you get the ball rolling, you will have some control over legal events. I don't know her situation, but if she is on public assistance, welfare will act first against your husband. If you act first, it takes it out of welfare's hands. She'll have to spend money and get a lawyer.

[This message edited by icando at 10:21 PM, September 1st (Friday)]

We spoke to a lawyer and she told us not to do anything. It is her burden of proof to find ot which of the at least 2 men who may be the father is the father. That is the advice we are working with. If and when she petitions him for paternity we will retain the lawyer.

Well it looks like the ball is rolling. The OW called Thursday night and said she is just goint o petition him. She mentioned some other stuff but that was the most important one.

She called again last night. She wants him to call her back to make sure she sends the petition to the right address. For some reason she thinks he is not living at home anymore. Of course he will not call her. She said she will probably go to the courts Tuesday since the offices are closed Monday.

Now we wait.

We are doing all the steps the lawyer told us to do. No contact when she calls. And we are listening to the voice mails together. He has told me each time she calls. And it has only been these two times.

One bump in the road gone, another awaits.

We went to three different lawyers before the oc was born. I insisted on doing this because I needed to make sure that we were doing all that we could do, to get ahead of her.

Each of them (all men) advised my H to petition her. As the man, it is better for the man to petition about the child. If the woman does it, then its like she has to make him do something about taking care of his child.

She has the upper hand naturally because she will have custody of the child. But the man petitioning gives him some control in court.

Plus it will throw her off her roll. She thinks she has a Right to call your house, which she doesn't.

Our lawyer advised us to wait. The burden of proof is w/ the mother, i.e., she has to sue for paternity. Once it's proven however, you can aways countersue for full custody. That will throw her for a loop. They think they can walk all over us. If she calls again asking for your address, refuse to give it to her and inform her of your attorney's contact info and that he was accept service for the petition. That's what we did. OW had our old address (I insisted on moving when I found out she knew where we lived.). She put the old address on the petition but it's a moot point b/c the judge asks you to confirm it during the first court appearance. Our attorney accepted the paternity petition and then called my H to discuss next steps, strategy, etc.

Let me know if you need more info. Don't cave into her threats. If she really wants this she's going to have to lay out the cash.

BetrayedWife-

We do not plan on contacting her at all. She has been calling H cell phone and leaving voice mails since H has been instructed not to talk to her. I know the petition will get to us somehow.

The lawyer told us that if she does file then our next step is to have me file for child support so if by the chance H is the father, she will get less money. I am not sure if I would get 17% or 25% since I am pregnant. This was the laywers suggestion. I guess it is all a play on words since we are still married.

If he is not the father I am assuming I can cancel the CS order for him to me. If heis then it remains if he decides to continue to financailly support the child.

My biggest worry is finding out he is the father, he wants to have relations with the child, and we have to tell our families. It will be an embarrassment to both of us.

In my state, the way it works is who files first. Me and My husband went to three different lawyers who gave us the same advice, as far as my H petitioning her. We didn't want custody, but we wanted to make the decisions about what would happen and when. The petition forced her to put up or shut up. It forced her into dna testing. It forced her to spend her money.

Also, I got my own attorney, so that makes 4. She said that women wait too long to file for their own child support in these type of cases. The OW gets more money in child support if she files first. In your case it may be best to wait because your child is not born yet. But if in your state if you can get child support, even though your child is not born yet, it is a good idea to do it. Because it will reduce her child support significantly, and it establishes to the court that there is more than one child here who is important, namely the child in the marriage.

Your child support will reduce how much medical and child care support she will be awarded as well. I got alimony also, and even though it doesn't come before the child support, the judge looks at the total burden on the man and can reduce any child support based on that as well.

I figured out that after seeing three lawyers with my H, that I needed my own lawyer. Your H's lawyer is not going to give you advice on what is in YOUR best interest. That lawyer is there for your H. It would be malpractice for the lawyer to tell YOU (the wife), go get child support from your H.

If you go back on this thread in back between april 2006 - july 2006, there is a 'manual' that someone posted on what steps you need to take. Even though for me I never saw the manual before we went to see all these lawyers,, I ended up doing everything that was in that manual.

My child's child support is $850 and my H, owes 75%medical and childcare. Whore, Bitch, Slut got $517, and 60% medical and childcare. If I hadn't filed for child support, I would have got the lower figure even though we have been married for 15 years and had 1 child.

When they got to the child support hearing for her, her lawyer asked for $620 per month and 75% on the med & cc. My H's attorney showed the judge my order for cs from my H, and the judge rejected the $620 her attorney asked for.

Maybe in your state, they recognized the rights of the marriage regardless of any outside children. But I think if you go see your own lawyer, you will find out for sure.

My H and I are together. When I got child support we were together. What's more is that my lawyer considered every aspect for me and wrote an order that would be in my best interest. My H signed it. What is in my best interest, is in his best interest.

[This message edited by icando at 5:26 PM, September 4th (Monday)]

icando-

I am not sure I would need a lawyer. Thie lawyer seems to have the best interest of both of us. When I called her I explained the situation and asked her what would be in our best interest and our family's best interest.

I am not sure about the unborn child and child support. She did mention I would get 25% and knew I was pregnant. I guess we will see.

Right now we need to do what is best for the family. Not individuals.

Kristine,

I hope everything works out good for you and your family.

Anyone know if you can put a provision in place to provide for future children, that is ones not born yet? Maybe if the woman is pregnant? Trying to figure out if there is a way to limit or reduce possible amount OW can get from my H...post nup doc maybe? Anyone ever hear of such a thing working?

I have never heard of it. But each state is different and perhaps, the rights in the marriage between husband and wife, trump any outside children that come after the marriage.

I do know that you ,as a wife, can get child support for your children that are existing and that will reduce the support that an ow/oc will get. The courts do not care about your own legitimate children, who were here before the marriage, unless you have an order for support.

Maybe, between the husband and wife, if they come up with an legal agreement, put together by a lawyer, that has the H paying the wife child support, then the courts will require that the H continue to pay it, in addition to any new support that they determine the H should pay.

In other words, if the H was giving his wife an extra $200 per month for the kids, then the judge would look at that and have the H continue to give to the wife, along with a determined amount for child support.

I want to add that this child support money a wife can get from her husband is protecting the family. It keeps some of that money from going into the pockets of a trashy whore. Since my H and I are together, that cs goes right back into our joint account to pay our expense. If I didn't have an order for support, we would lose and additional $250 to the Whore. She is already getting over $500 of my H's money. That money comes right out of his check and reduces our money for bills and other expense. $500 per freakin month for fucking a whore.

And in my state, they review every 3 years, so that when my H gets a raise or a better paying job, whore will get more money as well. When in the Hell did she ever life one finger to help him get the job? Our son is older than the oc, so when my son's support is done, then she gets a huge gigantic increase, probably in the neighborhood of $1200 or more per month. That is because he won't be paying for support for our child anymore.

To block her, I have to get another child. This is so ridiculous but these are the kinds of things I think about. Blocking that bitch from getting our money.

[This message edited by icando at 9:18 PM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

Ican - thanks. We don't have kids yet but are trying and also pursuing adoption. Problem is her illegitimate brat is here first. Trying to protect what I've worked so hard for the last 11 years for. This sucks.

I thought this needed to be posted again ladies so here goes.

OC HANDBOOK OF ADVICE

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a psuedo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibilty of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

Me&my3,

Thanks. You pointed out that in some states the wife's income is also included in determining the child support for the Adulterous Whore. MY STATE IS ONE OF THOSE STATES.

I wasn't about to pay a dime for that bitch. Me work a job and my income go to a leeching ___-sucking whore? Hell NO!

I quit my job. And its is a good thing, because the bitch tried it. We had to produce our income from the last 3 years, and the only reason why I didn't have to give my paycheck stubs over is because my H and I did a legal separation and I quit my job. I did have give my tax records over though.

The bitch has MY tax records. I blacked out every detail on the paper, except income and deductions. I blacked out my name, address, where I worked, etccc.

When your husband fathers a child with another woman, ladies it is no joke. You are financially impacted. You, ladies, will have no privacy from the whore.

I would say establish your bounderies right now. Put up all the walls and show the bitch you are not stupid and that you ain't playing with her.

These whores think that we wives are Stupid, because we LET are H's cheat on us. Everytime he layed up there with her, she smiled and laughed to herself, thinking his wife is so stupid. She doesn't even know about us.

So believe me, this idea that they have about us plays out in this oc business. Just think how satisfying it is to the whore, knowing she is getting money from you and your H.

[This message edited by icando at 11:01 AM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

Ladies I'm on the edge about to fall into the canyon. I can't take this crap anymore.

For those of you who don't know, I ended a pregnancy in 2004 b/c it was not a good time for us. In retrospect, I regret it and it haunts me. Fast forward to 2005 when H confessed the affair and OW's pregnancy. She had a boy BTW...

Back in April, at genetic testing, just one week away from FINALLY announcing OUR pregnancy, we learned there was no heartbeat and the next day I had a D&C.

OC was born 6/11 and the OWhore filed the paternity papers. I meanwhile haven't had a normal cycle since losing our baby. Genetic testing on the cells determined down's syndrome.

FINALLY, this month I had a normal cycle. I bought Pre-Seed and we were "practicing" like crazy. I'll know in a few weeks.

Then today, my H calls from an overseas trip. A colleague of his (female) that I know and like gets on the phone and gushes about another mutual friend who just got married in mid June and is 17 weeks pregnant! Meanwhile I spent last night doing the f-ing financial form for the attorney b/c H sat on his a$$ and didn't get it done.

Then, my mother calls to tell me that two cousins are expecting...one is having his first and the other second. Note that they are at least 10 years younger than me.

WTF? I know it's not rational, but they SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED to have a baby before someone who's been waiting longer does. I know I'm rambling but I'm on the verge of tears, about to lose it and alone.

I hate my life right now.