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Too much pain and sorrow

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arbuom posted 9/12/2017 10:50 AM

The day has come.

Even though Iím convinced, beyond any doubt, that Iím doing the right decision, itís still hard to say goodbye. I know I will be ok, I always have. I was 10 times the man Iím today when she met me, but Iíll get there again. At least I wonít have the shame she will carry for the rest of her life (if she ever admits to it), especially in front of her kids. Iím sure she will wake up one day and realize the destruction sheís done, but even if she doesnít, thatís ok too.

Iím very sad today. But Iím also happy too. Iím not gonna suffer anymore. Iím free from the pain of infidelity. I hope to never feel it ever again in my life, but if I do, I know exactly what to do the next time around. If there is one thing that Iíve cried a lot about during the long hours of the night (Iím not sleeping much these days), itís how I've handled this situation. Iím so angry with myself. What happened to me? How did I let this go on for so long? I should have showed her the fucking door months ago. I deserve much better than this. I sold myself short.

If there are any new BSís reading my thread, please learn from my mistakes. Please. You will hate yourself just like I do now. Even though Iím finally standing up for myself, somehow it doesnít feel that way.

Wish me luck as I head into the unknown, I need as much as I can get right now.

Chappie posted 9/12/2017 11:53 AM

Good luck.
Do what you think is right! No one can deny you your right to be a good and moral person. Yes, there are others out there. When someone is telling you bullshit, just laugh at them and say No Thanks, I don't think I'll have any.

Keep your head up and your integrity intact for you and your kids!!!!!!!!

[This message edited by Chappie at 11:54 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Sharkman posted 9/12/2017 12:35 PM

Hold your breath and count to ten. This is one of those things where it ONLY gets better the further out you are.

Change is tough man. This is a big change. That doesn't mean it's bad change.

MidnightRun posted 9/12/2017 12:57 PM

Think about your wonderful future.

The world abounds with beautiful, intelligent women with integrity.

These women pine for men of your caliber.

Paraphrasing a famous president:

"The only thing to fear is fear itself."

And the war was won.

arbuom posted 9/12/2017 19:31 PM

Thanks for the kinds words of encouragement, I really appreciate it.

I would have loved to come here and say you guys were right, but as I had suspected, STBX seemed to breath a sigh of relief. She wants this more than anything it seems, and is so ready to start her new life. The good news is that she's wanting to end this on good terms, and without giving our money to the lawyers. I'm hoping that we can come to a fair agreement (that's what I've always wanted), and get this wrapped up sooner rather than later.

I must admit that it hurts. Less than a year ago, STBX wrote me an anniversary card that filled my heart with love, and now it seems she can't wait to be on her way.

I really miss the woman I married, she's definitely not the same woman here today.

Thanks all for the support, this place is incredible. I wish I had found you guys sooner than I did. I may not be hurting as much as I'm now.


[This message edited by arbuom at 7:31 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Sharkman posted 9/12/2017 19:41 PM

You need to do the right thing and make sure that the OBS knows that there is nothing blocking your wife from her boyfriend any longer.

MidnightRun posted 9/12/2017 20:14 PM

Sharkman is right.

bardo posted 9/12/2017 20:26 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:26 PM, October 3rd (Tuesday)]

ohforanewme posted 9/13/2017 00:28 AM

Hi arbuom

I have followed your thread. Have not posted. You have the same support team that I had. They are the very best. I could add not more. I felt that any post from me would be just clutter.

But today I think I can add something.

You know that today I can probably empathise more than most. So today I will sit with you in our sad, melancholy and put my hand on your shoulder and tell you with conviction, "this will not last long, and when it is passed there is a much better place and much better people waiting for us".

I think that you know that I can say that with conviction, because even though I am in a sad place just for a little while now, I have actually been to that better place. Experienced it first hand. Man it is great. Cant wait to get back to it.

Can't wait to hear your first, terrifying but invigorating account when you get there.

Bardo, pleased to see that you are feeling strong enough to post and support others now. Hope it is getting a little better for you as well.

MidnightRun posted 9/13/2017 01:02 AM

Yes, Sharkman is one of the best, and ohfor is a sterling example of those who have prevailed despite it all.

Ohfor is on the road to happines, and you can travel that path as well.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 1:07 AM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 9/13/2017 04:29 AM


Try to adapt the same attitude and mentality as if you were dealing with your house being on fire.
Right now, itís clear the damage is so extensive that EVERYTHING indicates there is no turning back.
Imagine if you were in that situationÖ You have some optionsÖ Some good, some bad.

Like you could sit down in your favorite chair and wail about the fire destroying your home. Wonít do much good, would it?
You could carry on trying to extinguish the fire. That might extend the time before your home completely burns down but it probably wonít change the outcome.
OrÖ You go about saving what valuables you can from the burning house. You prioritize and get the items with the highest personal value, followed by the irreplaceable items and the items that you most need to restart elsewhere. Frankly anything else is of no importance.

Imagine every trip to save valuables expands energy and takes time. At best, you have enough time and energy to make 10 trips. Stopping to scream at the flames or to examine the ongoing damage will only burn up energy and waste time. Do either and you only make 8 trips. House will still inevitably burn to ashes and you will be left with less.

Be focused and realistic. Keep momentum. Do your best to keep a steady pace out of infidelity. Define between realistic goals and emotions. You will do fine.

About the being amicable and friendly and all thatÖ I have never hidden my view that IMHO itís semi-unrealistic in divorce. By all means be FAIR and avoid unnecessary confrontation, but be unafraid to tackle the tough issues head-on, irrespective of emotions or popularity. The key to dealing successfully with divorce is to have a very good picture of debts, assets and obligations and a realistic division of these items.

Chappie posted 9/13/2017 05:16 AM

Has she given you the "I still want to be friends speech yet?"

Has she found a job yet? What state do you live in?

Check out

Has she been served?

[This message edited by Chappie at 5:17 AM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

arbuom posted 9/13/2017 16:12 PM

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to you all! Thank you!

I'm unfortunately stressed to the max trying to figure out the next steps, but I'm trying my best to keep putting one foot in front the other. I'm finding it very hard to believe that after 13 years of having a family that I woke up to, had meals with, went on vacation with, and shared life's happy moments with; I will soon be living alone. Life can cruel sometimes

I will write an update soon, but I wanted to acknowledge your messages. Thank you so much!!

goalong posted 9/13/2017 18:11 PM

Do not feel bad about what happened. You were sincere and moral. It was WW who should be ashamed of that she abused your care and love and did not have the character or morality to tell you what she was doing or what she wanted.
The past is gone. The future does not belong to you . What you have is the present and your best response would be to live your life to the best. Tell your kids of the extent of WW prolonged heartless betrayal. They deserve to know. From the way she changed their schedules to suit her selfish agenda shows she does not care that much about the kids. They will side with you.

[This message edited by goalong at 7:15 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

Jduff posted 9/13/2017 19:27 PM

arbuom, you still do have your family. It's only your WW that's opting out, not your kids. There's no reason you can't still be their father, the one they have always known. In fact, you should be a more improved version of him. They will need you to be their rock because it's your WW who isn't the same and they know it. Trust me.

Focus on what's best for you and your kids. Your STBXW can fend for herself.

Bigger posted 9/14/2017 08:44 AM

I will soon be living alone.


We see this ALL THE TIME. This is PRECISELY why we have been strongly suggesting you pass all divorce ideas past a competent attorney.
Time after time we get men (this applies especially for men, but many women fall into this trap too) that want to be so ďniceĒ and have such an amicable divorce and donít want confrontation that they bend over backwards to be accommodating.

If you will soon be living alone then itís ONLY because you allow that to happen. Itís only because you are so fixed on being nice and friendly that you already give up what you are entitled to.

I think you need to have some hard truths in mind:
The moment you file you are legally entitled to and legally burdened with HALF of everything. That includes custody, debts, assetsÖ
Your life will carry on and you will have the normal and expected requirements and demands. You wonít be OK with renting a bed-sit or driving the old Ford for ten more years.
The present set-up where your wife is a SAHM and the kids are at their age and you are the sole providerÖ Thatís NOW. Kids grow up and become more independent and capable. This setup is based on the present situation. Divorce changes the situation.
God willing (and with a lot of work on both your behalf) you and then ex-wife will be friendly. Like you can sit side-by-side at school plays and at parent-teacher meetings. But you wonít be ďfriendsĒ. She wonít phone you to chat or you wonít have her and her new lover over for drinks. Not that your then-GF would want that anyway.
There is change in divorce. Your wife is fully capable of getting a job and earing an income. You donít have an obligation to financially support her.
There is change in divorce. Maybe neither of you can realistically keep this house.

Once again Aubuom. Be FAIR and REALISTIC in divorce, but you want to exit with your rights to your kids intact, half the assets and half the debt. When you file itís 50/50 and it will only change if YOU allow it to change.

[This message edited by Bigger at 8:44 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Chappie posted 9/14/2017 11:24 AM

Letting the folks here know what state your in helps too.

I am totally concerned about how you are handling this.

You wife cheated, she should be the one to move out if you can afford to keep the house. If you can't, sell it and split the equity. Seek 50/50 custody. This is easy in some states but not others.

Screwing yourself in this divorce is screwing your kids. Your wife has already proven she is untrustworthy and irresponsible. You have to take charge. Your kids need a man not a wimp.

arbuom posted 9/14/2017 11:43 AM


Thank you for always keeping me focused, and for keeping my eye on the eight ball. I really appreciate all that you done for me.

I think you misread what I meant in that statement, and I was probably extremely emotional when I wrote it. You hit the nail on the head (like you always do), when you said "Thatís NOW." I realize (probably like everyone else in my situation) that I'm thinking this is forever! My mind is definitely telling me that I'll get through this, but my emotions are lagging far behind. I will hopefully get there soon.

We are both getting a fair and realistic outcome, and trying our absolute best to put the kids first. We are selling the house, and we will both be alone in a new place when the kids are at the other's place half the time. I should have been more clear, but clearly I was emotional.

And yes, a competent attorney is in the loop.

Thanks again for everything. I really hope that you will continue to check on me, I value (and continue to) all the advice and support you have given me.


Bigger posted 9/14/2017 12:06 PM

Glad to hear that.
I would much better be wrong once than you having to be wrong for the next ten years or so.

arbuom posted 10/1/2017 04:53 AM

I never thought this day would ever come!

I realize that I will get heat for this, but I think I needed to get lots of off my chest. Two nights ago my STBX and I started talking (we are still under the same roof), and we talked for 4 hours straight. It was a good calm discussion, she talked about the 12 years that preceded the A, and I agreed with a lot of points she made. There is no doubt that I could have been a much better husband. And of course, I focused solely on the last 12 months. As people familiar with my story know, my STBX has consistantly and vehemently denied any wrong doing, and that it was completely on the POSOM for turning what supposedly was a ďplatonic friendshipĒ into something more. She had no part in it. It seems Iíve finally cracked her shell. We went to bed very late.

She woke up yesterday morning looking like absolute hell. I could tell there was LOTS on her mind. She came to me and, for the first time since this whole shit storm started, apologized for hurting me in such a horrible way! Still no admission of guilt, but itís a start. She said she was overridden with guilt, and is feeling horrible.

I had planned to be out of the house all day yesterday, and left. I come home late yesterday, and I could tell there was more. As soon as we sat down on the couch, what Iíve been waiting for has finally happened. She finally admitted that she realizes now that she may have gone too far, and feels responsible in some part of leading the POSOM on. She still maintains that she never was in love with the POSOM, or ever had feeling for him. And that her thoughts and actions were always pure and virtuous.

Iím numb again. Some part of me is happy that I finally have what I need to move on. But Iím obviously still very sad about losing what used to be an absolutely incredible woman!

I havenít updated in a a while. But we are about to sign the divorce papers, most likely this coming week. Weíve told the kids, and the house is going up for sale shortly afterÖ

Iíve decided that Iím staying the course no matter what. If there is any chance for R, it may have to come after we walk our separate ways, or never at all. Despite this being a huge step for her. I still donít see an iota of remorse.


[This message edited by arbuom at 4:57 AM, October 1st (Sunday)]

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