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ff4152 posted 10/23/2017 09:01 AM

I have seen this term on occasion while reading on SI and briefly Googled about it. Has anyone tried this and could you relate your experiences with it?

ChangeMe1 posted 10/23/2017 09:30 AM

I have briefly looked into it, tried to 'research' it and gave it a half hearted try, my usual MO.

But, ironically since then I think I have a better understanding of what it means.

It means being completely present in the moment, stopping the multitasking, stopping trying to think of what to say when listening, focusing on the one thing you are doing. All of it.

It's like listening to a song, you could hear it in the car, the lyrics could make you think of something else and you ponder that while you listen, while you change the gears and watch our for traffic, think about the next turn coming up.

Or you could put on a set of headphones, sit in a quiet room and do nothing else but focus on the music. You'll hear the lyrics, the guitar at the front of the song, but you'll also hear the drums, the bass, the reverb, the inflections in the singer voice, the emotion, everything and you'll appreciate it so much more because it is the only thing you are focusing on.

Thats my take, but i dont actively practice it, so that could be bull.

I'll sit back and read the responses from the people who actually know what they are talking about.

Root posted 10/23/2017 10:04 AM

For me it means taking those few minutes out of every hour to figure out how I'm feeling. To focus on what I'm doing instead of just zoning out. To be in the present. No more multitasking. Taking time to eat, shower, drink a cup of tea, sit outside, etc.

I've taken an extra step by being aware of what I've allowed into my home. I recently purged so many things and without the clutter I'm able to think more clearly. Do I really need 50 shirts? 10 kitchen appliances I never use? That sewing machine that I haven't touched in 10 years? I can breathe in my house's amazing.

Oldwounds posted 10/23/2017 11:06 AM

In the most basic form it is about focusing on the here and now and not getting wrapped up in the past or being too anxious about the future.

Daoism, Buddhism -- mindfulness seems to be a basic component of those eastern philosophies (when steering around the theological elements).

Anyway, it opened up the doors to some other way of thinking about things (the perfection of imperfection) and meditation and generally, trying to take a classic over-thinker, over-analyzer like myself and unplug for a while.

I was getting pretty good at taking it from concept to practice and my wife confessed to her A and it kind of blew my mindfulness circuits up for a while.

I'm getting it all back together again as the part of the process of rebuilding me and our M.

It doesn't make bad stuff vanish, it just helps with the only true control we have in this world and that is how we react to adversity.

sewardak posted 10/23/2017 11:23 AM

not sure you can be mindful while you're outrunning truth.

ff4152 posted 10/23/2017 11:52 AM


not sure you can be mindful while you're outrunning truth.

Wow, that really was very helpful and directly answered my question.

Thank you!

ff4152 posted 10/23/2017 11:53 AM


Do you have any books or other material you could recommend on the subject?

Oldwounds posted 10/23/2017 12:12 PM

There are a bunch and most of them are pretty dry, the one book that presented the material with some down to earth enthusiasm is Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.

Some of the eastern philosophy metaphors are a couple thousand years old and don't always fit in the modern western mind, but a lot of did reach me and helped me.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 12:13 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]

strugglebus posted 10/23/2017 12:56 PM

The book Mindfulness by Gill Hasson is good. Also all things Pema Chödrön are fantastic.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/25/2017 20:46 PM

Also all things Pema Chödrön are fantastic.

The idea of mindfulness is to train the mind to stay grounded in the moment. In times of stress it's so easy to identify with our thoughts and let them get completely out of hand. We hash over the past or envision the future and become detached from the only moment we have that is real...the present moment. With enough training we can learn to deal with any thought or feeling, be they painful or pleasant, from a place of love and compassion. It does take daily practice. Simply knowing about mindfulness is not enough. Like courage, it must be cultivated.

There is a great app that facilitates meditation called "Headspace". I've found it to be enormously helpful. The ideas presented are rooted in Buddhism which seems to me be more like a psychology and life philosophy than a religion but I'm sure there are depths to it of which I am completely ignorant. I've found the concepts discussed there to be very relevant in my day-to-day challenges on the path of healing.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul

DaddyDom posted 10/25/2017 21:13 PM

I always thought that things like mindfulness and meditation were a bunch of mumbo jumbo and silliness. Until I needed them, and tried them with an open mind. Now I swear by them.

I have a history that includes depression, CPTSD and a bevy of abuse issues, so I tend to panic and go overboard emotionally when in conflict. I have found mindfulness to be life changing in this regard. It allows me to step out of the emotional mindset and focus on the here and now, which allows me to calm down and center myself.

This has had farther reaching implications however, as I now panic less, recover faster, and have a more realistic overall view of myself. It's easier to see and identify my own feelings and reactions when they aren't overwhelming me, and improves my relations with others. I would recommend at least giving it a shot. It certainly can't hurt.

hopefulkate posted 10/25/2017 21:39 PM

Ignoring my post today in general - as that had nothing to do with being mindful! 😂- being present has helped me when the emotions threaten to be too much. I can breathe through the pain and focus on the now, as others have said.

Not the now of, life is good, he isn’t hurting me now..., but the now of - zoom out, what can I hear? What can I see? What can I smell?

Different ways to do this, but I hope to actually develop this as a habit sometime soon, as opposed to remembering it in panic mode and breathing through.

There is a great study that mapped the Dhali Lama’s brain using an fmri scan. It showed his grey matter was ridiculously large compared to most people. Meaning - he has far more control over his conscious thought - and emotional reaction -than the rest of us. (MIT or Harvard did the study I believe.)

Powerful stuff. Worth looking into.

ff4152 posted 10/26/2017 06:02 AM

Thank you all for your replies and input!

One (of many) issues that I have is there always seems to be "noise" in my head, if that makes any sense. I overthink things and get so caught in it that it's often difficult to make even the simplest of decisions. And once I get something stuck in my head, its very hard to let it go.

Lionne posted 10/26/2017 17:34 PM

I have noise, too. All. The. Time. Mindfulness, yoga and getting back to my religious group, in which our meetings are silent, has helped me immensely. I have less chronic pain and feel more content overall.

Headphones and directed mindfulness apps and downloads work best for me.

4kids posted 10/26/2017 18:12 PM


Wanted to pop in and express my hope for you.

Every thread that you post, even one that is asking a question unrelated to the secret you are carrying, tends to lead to "Maybe you are feeling this way because of your lies about your unfaithfulness.

And, as you are aware since ypu have been supporting me in my own struggling and we have become friends, I too believe that you should be upfront and allow your wife to know her truth.

But this post was about you seeking help and support from the good and understanding posters of SI.

Lionne and a most others spoke of their experiences with mindfulness.

May I suggest that you reaď THEIR posts of hope for you right now and ignore the rest.

As you know, ff4152, your support of me in my hard time these past 2 + months has been a lifeline.

I challenge, and hope everyone understands that I am someone whom has been living and been treated horribly then most by my waywards actions before dday and after, so I challenge anyone to disagree with the fact that ff4152 has posted for help in this thread, even though he has been honest with us as very few waywards are honest with us, and deserves such help from us all.

My wayward posted on SI some.

Rarely responded back to a thread he posted.

Unless it was to gather sympathy for his own cause or to claim that he would rather not be in this world.

How many of u bs's can say the same as I?

Let's support ff4152. And hope he can find the strength, through our support of him, to live in real life.

On a side note, I would like to express my appreciation for your understanding and empathy to me these past few months.

Thank you for it. Truly.

I haven't spent much time on SI as of late. Not because of not needing help from the people whom could help me. Not at all.

I am truly thankful for all the help I have received here.

But I feel that empathy is needed. Both for bs's and wayward spouses that are trying to better themselves and heal.

Your path is different. Quite different from the crazy shit waywards, that only care about themselves.

Strength and continued healing for you friend.


[This message edited by 4kids at 6:19 PM, October 26th (Thursday)]

marji posted 10/26/2017 18:55 PM

You can check out Jon Kabat Zinn and the Minfulness Stress Reduction Program which was started in 1979 at a large hospital in Massachusetts. His program is essentially the model for mindfulness programs that now used in many schools, clinics, hospitals.

His 8 week structure program is available for download and involves combinations of meditation and gentle yoga practices carried out in a very simple to follow format. It trains breathing/thinking/nonthinking techniques that once learned can be applied in every day life in any situation. There are group mindfulness classes one can take but it's easily done in the privacy of one's own home. Zinn has many books but Mindfulness for Beginners may be a good place to start in terms of reading. But if you are looking to reduce stress in your life you might also try the program.

TX1995 posted 10/27/2017 11:03 AM

My IC suggested The Mindful Way through Anxiety and the Mindful Way through Depression (that one has a CD). By Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer. (Yay I get to be both anxious and depressed!).

I've started on the Anxiety one and have found the exercises and information helpful so far.

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