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Thoughts of a Betrayed Husband in reconciliation

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demolishedinside posted 1/28/2018 20:37 PM

Thank you, nicenomore. It sounds to me as if your username no longer fits. Your reply was kind and appreciated more than you know.

I understand not mine anymore and public property. Exactly. Disgusting. I wish more people would choose integrity over immediate gratification. Sadly, Iím still working my way through. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter the gender.

nicenomore posted 1/28/2018 20:50 PM

Iím happy that my words brought you some comfort. My name should be changed to say nice no more... to those who donít deserve it.

I agree itís not a gender thing at all. Those feelings can be reciprocated in both directions, I can only speak for myself as a man. I expected my WW to give me the best, and after day, nothing short of giving me the world would work. She became disposable to me, and it was such a damn shame. And Iím sure the same can be said for you and your WH.

Some people can never really empathize with and humanize their WS again after betrayal... I was one one them.

[This message edited by nicenomore at 8:51 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

WilliamM posted 1/28/2018 21:13 PM

For me what was once natural became work and what was once a joy became a chore. Anything genius before I was able to get to the point to appreciate my wife the way I want to appreciate her. Sex was something that I had to overcome emotionally because of the that lost connection. Because I could not separate her from her act of betrayal, we had to work to overcome my pain. Renewing our vows helped. It gave a freshness to our marriage. We still have issues but hopefully, 12 years out, infidelity will not ever be one again.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 9:13 PM, January 28th (Sunday)]

LivingWithPain posted 1/29/2018 11:31 AM


A few things...all women are different. I would not presume to represent all of us. I do not like being treated like a receptacle. Pre-dday? Thatís what he thought sex should be. I wanted connection.

You and my WW are complete opposites. She never associated sex with intimacy, and I never knew it. I always attached intimacy with sex.

And in my own defense I never considered nor do I consider my WW my sperm-receptacle. During the time she was in her A she was one... for the OM, and she admits that.

Aumanny99 posted 4/9/2018 16:18 PM


FWS's love used to be something I could count on no matter what. It was tested and proven over time and grew according to our own personal growth. It was soul mate love. Deep, from a prior lifetime(s) of love.

Now, FWS has proven to me, that unbeknownst to me, her love soured after a few years. After my overseas trip she assumed, incorrectly, that I had become a liar and a cheater. That I had had an affair and looked down on her as less than me. She married me anyway.

As time went on, this believe wore on her. She refused to tell me how she felt and persisted to make me think she was truly in love with me, despite being with a liar and a cheater, who then continued to cheat with co-workers and lie about it cover it up.

Upon our children coming into our lives, she started to realize she demanded more for herself, but thought I did not love her enough to give it to her. Our fights became more vicious and her doubts about me more embedded.

Enter ďSex at DawnĒ, AP and her polyamorous friends, and endless parade of women confessing to affairs. Finally, a way out of her conundrum. She could now join the affair club, thus forgive me, and now make peace with a suboptimal relationship with me, while finding true sexual satisfaction by having two kinds of men vie for her love and attention at the same time, boosting her low self esteem and healing her childhood wounds formed by her mother cheating on her dad. Now she could forgive her, too. Bonus.

Upon being caught, to escape the crushing shame, she tried to keep it hidden, stopping at nothing. No lie was too shameless. To cover up was too far fetched. Weíre only friends, became we are friends with tender feelings, to friends with benefits, to affair partners who shared a past life, to I stopped all contact, to I stayed in contact because what kind of person would I be if I did not miss him, to he cheated on me, too, so now Iím REALLY done with him.

And it in the meantime, she will not give up BS or let me divorce her. She will do anything, say anything, gaslight me, just to keep me hoping that she STILL loves me like I used to believe before she got caught. She will fight me, yell at me, plead with me, cry over it, pull my hair, smash my hands into my car, complain to my brother, all to keep the parts of me she truly does still love, so I wonít notice the parts of me she has not loved for years, and that AP comforted me through.

This gaslighting and willingnenss to do ANYTHING, speaks to a lack of courage on fWSís part to stand up for herself to demand a good relationship for herself and not settle for one she needs a side lover in order to get through. The fact that she feels burned by APís lifestyle of multiple side lovers, and burned by the affair club lifestyle, does NOTHING to make me feel I can trust her words now. All it proves to me is that she realizes now how badly she treated me in the face of how good she had it with me all along, and how little she believed that. She feels her sexual desires and intuition betrayed her, and so she feels like a victim, even more so than I do.

So she expects me to try to have faith and trust again, but how? So long as she is willing to do anything to keep me and not willing to risk losing me to choose a relationship that truly works for her, I will remain unsafe with her and thereby settling for less than I deserve.

And so long as I am settling I will not be truly happy, fWS wonít be safe with me and I will always be on the look out for finding what I do deserve, a this is a true love that does not need to cheat on me to work out her issues.

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