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it's getting wait...nevermind

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sadbuttrying posted 1/25/2018 15:19 PM

I haven't posted in a while but been lurking lately. Looking for answers, or maybe just the comfort SI brings in knowing I am not alone.

As I round the corner of year two I am hitting feelings that I thought I had moved passed. I am hoping maybe sharing these feelings will guide me on my path to healing.

Generally speaking we are successfully in R by all standard measures. "Normal" day to day things go unhindered by my FWH long stint of cheating/trying to. My H has made great strides toward change. He has a hobby now which I am proud of him for, he has made 3 friends, a big step too. He is attentive and loving and very focused on me and our family. The books would all agree he is doing and has done all I should need to recover. But I have not.

I made it to a happy place for a while. Looked forward to our nights together, not triggered as often, mind movies replaced with our plans, our happiness, celebrated Holidays family vacation, from the outside we are happily in love ...but I feel like it is slipping away from me now.

I feel angry at myself. I feel like after all the work, IC, books...blabla that I should be better now. I know he isn't cheating (as best a person can be assured) he has done everything I asked, that experts suggest, so why do I feel like running away? Then... wow, if I picture that scene, I am the one who tore our family apart, I am the reason we can't afford our home, and I would be responsible for my son's broken heart. That would now be all on me.

I talk to myself in the car, I tell myself to suck it up, my life isn't that bad. My H cooks, he does the laundry, works hard, helps with homework...he does truly love me, in a way I don't think I could find again. I would be lost without him, I know I would. But I look at him when he is sleeping and the anger just boils sometimes. Sometimes when he is being playful and loving I feel like a teenager being smothered by mom kisses, eyes rolling as though I just don't have time for that nonsense.

The infidelity has changed me in ways I am not proud of. The love advice I give my friends is full of animosity and a pessimistic outcomes. I find myself daydreaming about other men, and honestly have had to end a friendship because it was crossing a line into EA world and I started justifying it as "maybe this will help me forgive him" WOW! My self esteem is beyond out of control and I spend more time than I would like to admit sobbing in the gym shower, self loathing.

This is new territory. I am not in the beginning panic phase. I am not in the "he isn't trying" phase, not "fallen out of love" or "no longer attracted" it is like a cricket chirp in the room. I can't find the damn thing to kill it...I will forget it is there for a little bit. but then...CHIRP! I feel restless, angry for this life sentence. I feel stuck. I am agitated by his love then desperate for his affection. I am going crazy in a whole new way. I feel less justified in my emotions and more like I am just being a "poor me". I feel guilty I am not happy every day with all the changes he has made. Now that he is acting like the man he should have been it is like meh...

This will pass I suppose. Anyone else in meh phase? is there a meh phase? My reality is I am still very broken. I remember not log after d-day he said "what if I do all these things and you can't forgive me?" I told him that was a realistic scenario but I would give it my best shot. Am I giving up the fight a little? I have seen others say the second year is harder than the first. I can see that in a lot of ways. The hysteria is gone but the anger, all that has been lost...its a heavy load.

smokenfire posted 1/25/2018 15:25 PM

Awww :(

Just something to think about, definitely not passing judgement.

The hardest thing in the world is to forgive ourselves. (wait, read on). Sometimes when we are irrationally (and I use that word loosely) angry, we are angry at ourselves.

Perhaps you're angry that you didn't pick up on it? How you behaved when you found out (ie the pick me dance...), that you stayed? I know many people swear they would never give a cheater a second chance, and yet they do.

If he's REALLY doing all of that, perhaps it's something you need to look at in you.

No snark or offense intended at ALL.

Evolving posted 1/25/2018 15:31 PM

@SBT thank you for articulating so much of what i have been feeling as well. My DDay is just one month before yours so we are on the same timetable. My H has done everything right. Heís loving and caring and evolving himself. Our family is stronger than itís ever been, I live in a beautiful house, we have a few great friends. But I also live with the ďchirp in the roomĒ. Is this a life sentence? Have his selfish actions in essence ruined my life for good? I can find the positives but damn if Iím not SO angry sometimes. I also deal with the fallout as this was a double betrayal and he fucked up so much of MY life outside of our marriage. I know Iíve forgiven a lot but maybe Iíll never forgive it all. Is it enough? Am I settling? So many questions...

TheBish posted 1/25/2018 15:35 PM

I donít think thereís anything wrong with. It could very well be that his past indiscretions were really deal breakers, but with all the emotion and adrenaline and very hyped phase after discovery, I think it can be hard to realize itís really over. I think a lot of marriages fizzle out years after infidelity. No Big Bang or explosion, just a flame that finally dies out. Frankly, to have a betrayer do all this work and change, just to have the betrayed turn around and say ďsorry, thanks for all your hard work, but you arenít the one for meĒ years later is a form of poetic justice.

I know my love for my H has changed. Itís different. I question why I would consider staying with someone who hurt me in the way he has. Heís not doing anything wrong, Iím just meh. Maybe itís my inner self telling me itís over. Idk, I just get what youíre saying

likeapinball posted 1/25/2018 15:39 PM

Yep, sometimes it's exactly just "meh". And, I really don't care. I think I just get tired of it popping up in my brain, usually at very inopportune moments.

My H has done/continues to do everything "right" and then some. But somedays......

Smokenfire, you're absolutely right! I think sometimes I'm more angry at myself (being completely oblivious for 16 years will have that effect) for the actual choices I've made, than at my H for having a LTA in the first place! How fucking crazy is that???

So no, Sad, you're definitely NOT alone! xo

dragonflies posted 1/25/2018 15:43 PM

My advice would be ... take the pressure off yourself. Take the pressure off feeling happy all the time, take the pressure off forgiving. Take the pressure off trying NOT to feel angry sometimes. Take the pressure off wanting to run (away OR into the arms of someone else). Take the pressure off trying to be the perfect wife, mom, gym-stud. Take the pressure off yourself.

marathon, not a sprint.

2 years out is just the beginning of the healing. IMO, what your husband has done to change - even as sustained and fully integrated as it maybe -- this is really just the start of R. Ground zero of a relationship is LIKING the person you are with. You like your husband some of the time? Well, thats great. Maybe you'd want to marry him in a few years...

marathon, not a sprint.

(if it helps at all, I'm about to enter year 5. I am happy, mostly. I am not angry, mostly. I still haven't thought much about forgiveness, but I know my FwH hasn't made all of his changes so that I would forgive him... he hasn't/can't fully forgive himself. I still trigger, but handle them now, mostly. )

marathon, not a sprint.

and ((()))

sadbuttrying posted 1/25/2018 16:16 PM

Oh my SI family...what would I do without you....everything each of you said! Thank you!

Smokenfire yes! I think I am mad at myself for staying at times. I think I am mad that I didn't see his propensity to cheat (warning signs I now see so clearly) and picked him to begin with. You made some great points. Thank you!

Evolving thank you for sharing, I feel better knowing I am not alone I hope it gives you some solace too as we roll along together.

TheBish thank you for your perspective. I think you are right as well. I knew when I started thinking about R that it just might not be in the cards...this was a dealbreaker in its hypothetical stage and as smokenfire said I may just be slowly coming to terms with the fact I am not able to salvage what he broke and I have to forgive myself for that, and yes...that is a little Poetic Justice (that made me smile an evil little smile) another sign? perhapse...

Thank you Likeapinball I am totally over it interrupting my thoughts, maybe I am struggling with the thought I could just end this nightmare at anytime... maybe it is just part of the beginning of R as dragonflies put it.

Taking the pressure off. Wow. Never thought of it that way. Hmmm yes I like him most days. Funny you say maybe I will want to marry him someday. What a way to look at it! I like that. And the marathon vs just don't know how that resonates with me. I started running after d-day to deal with the pain, loose weight and build self esteem. I lost 50 lbs but slowly gaining it back, I gained self esteem and now slowly loosing it again...but with both of those things they don't change over night. It takes time.

And it helps greatly, 5 years out and forgivness is still a challenge, your words bring the bigger picture in focus.

strugglebus posted 1/25/2018 16:44 PM

What are you doing for yourself? Are you doing things that make you actively happy? Hobbies, learning new things, going on little adventures, reading great fun books? A lot of your post sounds like you think you should be happy because your marriage is in a good place, but our relationships aren't what make us happy - happy is an inside job.

Being grateful for where you at can definitely help with happiness so good start there. Berating yourself for your feelings definitely puts a dent in joy.

It helped me when I got good with feeling my feelings without letting them run off with me. It isn't comfortable but it lessens with time.

You say you would be lost without him and that sounds like maybe you might want to dig deep into making sure you haven't slipped into co-dependency. I couldn't feel completely okay with my h until I came out of that. Knowing that I would be fine and could even be happy on my own -because I own my own happiness- made it possible for me to feel good about my marriage again.

No one is happy all of the time no matter what. I know I wasn't happy all of the time before DDay so why would I need to be so after? Some days are just meh. Life is meh and joy and grief and pain and bliss.

You get the drift. I hope you move out of the meh soon. It's a rough row to hoe.

lostinwy posted 1/25/2018 17:16 PM

I am not even close to year 2 but I am constantly wondering if this will always be there.Like Evolving said- "Have his selfish actions in essence ruined my life for good? I can find the positives but damn if Iím not SO angry sometimes. I also deal with the fallout as this was a double betrayal and he fucked up so much of MY life outside of our marriage. I know Iíve forgiven a lot but maybe Iíll never forgive it all. Is it enough? Am I settling? So many questions..." I wonder this on a daily basis. I don't want my life to be defined be this...

The1stWife posted 1/25/2018 19:34 PM

4 years out from DDay1. 20 years from his first EA.

I still suffer from the pain of him wanting a D from the A 4 years ago. It is one thing to cheat but another to try and D me.

I donít think it will ever go away. The fact he was willing to kick me to the curb so easily like I was a piece of trash.

And it angers me now when he says ďbut I didnít really mean itĒ. Well you went to our M counselor and sat there and demanded a D. No explanation or reason.

So sorry if I just donít have it in me some days to feel special or lucky or chosen. Despite everything he has done to try and make amends.

And knowing that he was calculated and selfish while watching me crumble and cry and live in deep emotional pain - and just did not care about me - well that takes a whole level of narcissistic behavior IMO.

Knowing I was giving our M 200% and thought we had reconciled yet he was still carrying on the A - well those thoughts just magically appear every so often. Sorry. Iím only human.

And the fact that he blamed it in my health issues - which has not been that big of a deal - well you just cannot unread those emails to the OW. Ever.

So I think it is hurt and betrayal and anger all rolled into one.

Just something the CS NEVER considers b/c they do not think the BS will ever find out.

Selfish selfish selfish

ISurvivedSoFar posted 1/25/2018 21:38 PM

sadbuttrying - so sorry you are here. I like this post - it has me thinking. I'm in the beginning of year 2 and I have to say it is strange. The sting is gone so the shock of the trauma has dissipated and life is starting to return but not to normal. It is returning to a new normal. And that new normal is tough particularly because we have to now base our relationship on rebuilding from trauma rather than infatuation. I cannot think of anything harder than that.

You have put into words something I could not understand,

I am agitated by his love then desperate for his affection.
This is the fear of the trauma happening again even though we still love our WS's.

One of the things I am discovering that I hope is helpful to you relates to my own journey. For much of the first year we are just trying to survive. We just want to be able to get through the day and we want to see our WS's move from denial and TT to admitting it, regretting it, owning it (remorse) and then FIXING it. Here is where I think we get stuck. I know it is a place for me where I got stuck.

Once Mr. ISurvived got to remorse, and had a good honest look at himself, I thought we were okay. But I started to feel uneasy. I realized that I would never feel safe and perhaps love in the form of admiration for him until I knew he fixed his broken parts. Don't get me wrong, after he finally got past TT and denial, he was all in and doing everything right. He did DBT to help his thought processes change and worked hard on adhering to the precepts in How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. He accepted his fate with regard to our relationship and having me drive it based on my needs. You get the picture as we've all been through it.

But I realized, he still couldn't get to why he did what he did. It's a lot more than because he could and I knew it. He needed to get to the source of his issues and realize how to fix it. Now that he's doing that work, I'm feeling safer and in more control, able to slowly let go of the past and welcome a better future. I had to ask him to go there, to get to the source and to show me that he was fixing him.

At the same time, I had to take a journey and figure out why I ALLOWED MYSELF TO LIVE IN AN M that was not satisfactory before the A. I see it as a similar journey to our WS's. Why didn't I speak up? Why did I think it was okay to not get what I needed? Why did I compensate for his shortcomings? Why did I not speak my truth all along like I do now? This is where we blame ourselves but honestly it is not for us to blame. It is for us to uncover our own brokenness that allowed for a life less than we want. At least for me, I felt like I sacrificed so much for him and my payoff was infidelity and betrayal. But I sacrificed in silence. I didn't let my feelings be known. And while of course I didn't deserve to be betrayed and neither do any BS's, I also didn't think I deserved more from my WS.

That's the journey I believe we need to take in order for us to heal fully. It isn't good enough for the WS to be introspective. It is important and required for R, but, there are two folks in a M that need to rebuild so we need to get to a place where we look at what we didn't like in our M prior to the A and work on our why's too.

LongSigh posted 1/25/2018 21:57 PM

Sad but trying,

Iíd just like to co-sign this. Every. Single. Word. The cricket analogy...perfect.

Cephastion posted 1/25/2018 22:03 PM

Honestly for myself I'm not only mad and disgusted with the adultery and how my wife treated me and disregarded the marriage and herself and all of THAT...but honestly...I'm also very disgusted with the WORLD around us that looked the other way and/or even HELPED the damn thing to just burn, burn, burn.

It's the workplace FULL of people that knew. It's the church that I asked folks to go talk to her and NO ONE would bother...(even though I'd known some of them for over a decade).

It was (and still IS) her wretched MOTHER who really made everything so easy and consequence free for her to screw other guys over at her (mother's) home and shelter her and reward her for doing to me what that woman did to my wife and her FOO by abandoning them all to be with HER AP when my wife was only thirteen years old.

It's the AP's she consorted with, along with all their cheerleading-minded friends and roommates and family that practically rooted them on or at least didn't inhibit or discourage any of her treachery.

It's the rest of her family and what was left of mine that didn't lift a finger to help our marriage or me out or say ONE word amiss or care or address ANYTHING unless of course enabling counts...

It's the media and the music and the society at large that minimizes the crime and horror of abandonment and adultery while making a super big deal about carbon footprints and how we feel about American Idol or Bruce Jenner's sex change and the Kardashians or whatever...

I am mad at the world when I'm not dealing with what keeps the home fires burning. I'm not sure if "meh" would be an improvement or NOT on that note, but I know that having other people near and far being all "meh" about people going to hell-in-a-handbasket certainly doesn't count for good times in my mind over the matter.

It makes me wonder how they'd feel if I just stood by with my fire engine parked there but the engine and keys and pumps not going while THEIR world just burned down all around them and me yawning and watching kitty-cat videos and watching the fire while I roasted marshmallows or popped some Jiffy-Pop with the excess heat it was giving off.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 10:05 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

Datura posted 1/26/2018 05:25 AM

You articulated everything I am feeling perfectly. I am sorry you're in the 'meh' phase too (and I bloody hope it's a phase and that the next phase is on an upswing!)

Oldwounds posted 1/26/2018 14:45 PM

It's a bummer to see someone who helped me get through my worst days when I got here to be in a bad place.

But, lesson one I've gained from all this Hell is, you feel what you feel.

There is that numbness, the plain of lethal flatness a number of members told me about. That point where we can't really feel much of anything - not quite full on depression, just a lack of...feeling.

It could be that.

Or, you could just be done.

As Unhinged explained to me a few times, it is always a dealbreaker. We just have to figure out if we want a new deal and how to get it.

I just got done slugging through my lethal plains or depression or whatever the heck had been pulling me down the well for the last few months.

For me, on the other side I found a flawed, stumbling wife who is doing everything she can to make herself and our lives better. Imperfect as always, but the earnest, endless effort is something I really admire. Like a turtle that has tumbled onto its back and you know the odds are stacked against them (based on the surface they are on) to get turned back over, but they go all in to get turned back over.

Odds are against it all, but we kind of like trying to get it turned back over anyway. The old unique special is gone, but fighting this new battle -- by being kind and caring to each other -- allows for overcoming an adversity I never expected or asked for. Although, I don't think we'll win any extra prizes for rebuilding our marriage. I do like the potential, to see what years of finally being real, and again, just being kind everyday will add up to.

SAM25nov2016 posted 1/28/2018 08:37 AM

This was all really good reading.

And if I haven't said it before, thank you oldwounds - your words have really helped me - I lurk more than I post so really appreciate those who share.

shellbean posted 1/28/2018 16:03 PM

This whole thread is a good read! SBT, I hope you get thru the blahs. Thanks for sharing! I appreciate those who have come before me - helps me to understand what I may experience in my own time.

HartShotAt80 posted 1/28/2018 19:27 PM

I ran across your post this afternoon by chance. I very seldom read much from R side but I'm glad I found your story. I'm four months into this mess of my own so finding how others feel after several years is enlightening.

I must say I'm absolutely speechless. Several things you wrote really hit home but what got me was when you said you cry in the shower at the gym.

What is it about a shower that let's us get out our tears?

I'll admit I'm not the most emotionally stable person but after reading your story I spent close to half an hour fighting back tears. I'd say that half hour was one of the hardest times so far and I believe it's because you have a way of digging deep, finding that emotion, then bringing it out and explaining it so eloquently. What a rare quality indeed, your husband is a fortunate man.

Its amazing that even through your pain, you're still keeping an eye of his progress, and can list so many things you love about your husband.

I've spent hours everyday reading others stories. Yours is the first that actually made me cry.

You've got a heart of gold and a very beautiful mind young lady. You actually taught me a very important lesson with your post (or opened my eyes in a new way to something I already knew)

I've learned that you got to dig deep, and grab a hold of what you find, and then put it into words so others will hear. Mrs, thank you very much for posting your story. Thank you a million.


Mamabearof2 posted 1/28/2018 23:48 PM

I was tempted to write a post on this same topic, I decided to read some threads first and I am so glad I did. This put into words so many things I have been feeling, we are right around the corner from our 1-year antiversary and I'm.not looking forward to the next year, if we make it that far. Thank you for your post and all off the responses, I don't post often, I am usually a lurker but it still helps. ❤️ Thanks again. 🙂

threestrepsback posted 1/29/2018 18:05 PM

I get it! We are all at different stages with unique backgrounds so please take what might help and leave the rest. I am in awe of how you can describe feeling so clearly.

There is also no clear line in stages. Hopefully growth during the grieving process, some healing separately and then healing together. No exact place to be during healing in x amount of time. Donít put extra pressure on yourself.

Full disclosure the first betrayal 1985 with other betrayals of different kinds since. Working on reconciliation process.

At first years denial, anger was strong. Without taking responsibility for his actions, I had to look at myself. Being a doormat and both conflict avoidant made it hard to first take time to take care of myself. I started getting exercise and eating better. I joined classes for my interests and started time with friends. Still working on making new friends (double betrayal). One lightbulb moment was to have compassion for myself - I am not prefect during those lost years but I did the best I could. I can learn and grow. The pain tells me something is threatening me - what can I learn from it- is the threat true. Now I can actually be greatfull for the strength to come out a better person for myself.

Cognitive behavioral therapy did not help. EMDR helped with the PTSD- trauma symptoms- anger.

I worked on healing myself. He did not. Things did not change until I was clear in what I needed and could express it with a true willingness to move on without the marriage. There was a sort of calm acceptance that I canít demand I can only invite him to to participate in the marriage. He would love bomb do the right thing for the reason of looking good. I needed to know he would be consistent doing healthy things for himself and the marriage because of a commitment showing who he wants to be.

Getting me a big present, being aware that house work needed done, and planning recreation was great but I needed to hear and see what he valued. I needed to see vulnerability. I donít always see when he tries to connect. Took me a while to accept that him making the bed is a positive message. He does not always see that I want to connect. To me talking about events in our day and understanding personal goals and marriage goals is important. Not just sports we both enjoy.

I realized even good marriages without betrayal have hard days that are not all honeymoon feelings. That is ok as long as I am honoring myself. I choose to do things in my life that make me happy. That includes time to enjoy the moment and time to express feelings instead of bottling them up or blowing up like the early years. I am learning not to kick myself. Easier with practice. I can laugh at myself now - remembering conversations about a meaning of an action or connection and finding out our understanding of the other was completely wrong.

In short, I think you are doing fine and normal.

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