Thanks for this. I've been wanting to post a thread for awhile called, "You can't save everyone."
I think that those of us in successful reconciliation found ourselves here because of a number of common factors:
- Our absolute willingness to lose the marriage in order to hopefully save it.
- Our absolute unwillingness to accept anything less than remorse backed up by consistent actions over time.
- Partners who desperately wanted to regain not only their marriages, but their integrity.
- Partners who were willing to fight for what they realized they really needed, for as long as it takes.
I want this for everyone! But it takes two. It takes the BS putting their foot down and accepting nothing less than full respect, empathy, remorse and a WS doing the work. And it takes a WS willing to do the work.
Unfortunately, too many BS's are too desperate to save the relationship at any cost, hoping against all evidence to the contrary, that it will work out and their partner's pretty words and good intentions will be enough,.
Because of this many WS's haven't had their "Dday" - when they see their partner stand up and say "NO MORE" and mean it. When they see the full extent of their BS's pain, confusion, rage, disorientation, grief and despair. So they never see the need to do the work.
Beyond that, there are many WS's who just don't give 2 fucks for anyone other than themselves. They've abused their BS's emotionally over the years, breaking their self esteem to the point that the BS thinks this is all there is, this is all they deserve, this is the best it gets. These WS's may spout pretty words to get their way, but there is no intent behind it. Or they don't bother, and they flaunt their continued betrayals. All the while the abused, codependent BS hopes.
I see these play out every day here, and like you W2BHA, I want to shake them. Show them what they don't yet want to see, but you can't save everyone. I invest in people here, emotionally. And then I get frustrated with the ones who just don't want to see. Because they will be back here.
I've divorced over infidelity because that situation demanded it (no empathy, demanded rugsweeping). I've also successfully reconciled and healed because this H had it in him to change and I was ok giving him the chance to prove it. I didn't need him. I could have and would have divorced in a heartbeat if he'd reverted, lacked empathy, became defensive or stopped growing and dealing with his Why's.
As you said:
Just remember...YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! DON'T SETTLE!!! And most importantly...FIGHT...FOR YOU!!!
That really resonated with me. Thanks.