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Long Distance

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anon789 posted 2/27/2018 13:30 PM

Hello all,

My wife and I met when we were both 21 years old and have been together since, married for the past 17 years. She has been with me through college, medical school, residency, and now as a practicing physician in a high-stress position. We have 3 young kids.

My wife has seemed increasingly depressed over the past couple years. She told me she hates being a mom and wishes she never had kids. She regrets giving up her career. I encouraged her to seek help. She told me she had, but her therapist told her she was "a horrible person" so she stopped going. I recommended she start working again, but she said she was concerned about child care issues because of my chaotic schedule. We still get along very well but she has been withholding affection from me and stopped wearing her wedding ring.

My realization of the truth has taken 6 months. She has taken three 6-day long trips to different places a few hours away for different reasons in the past year. When she "drove" back in November from "an adjacent state" where we used to live she seemed jet-lagged, her leg was swollen, and her passport had a sticker from the TSA. She had new perfume and jewelry. She also had food, drinks and souvenirs from New Zealand. We live in the USA. I confronted her and she denied everything and turned it on me. She stormed out and waited for the kids to get home from school to yell at me. Honestly this was the moment I was positive she was having an affair, but denial is of course easier.

I told my wife it "must all be my fault". I got myself into therapy which is very helpful. I have focused on my children, started eating healthier and gone on a diet with my wife (we have both lost weight-- I have lost 40lbs), increased my exercise, made a chore-chart to get the kids to help out more around the house, and encouraged my wife to start a small business which she has begun. I gave up alcohol and got her to do the same. Things seemed to get better and she started wearing her wedding ring again.

So... she has planned an announced trip alone to New Zealand. I am taking her to the airport tomorrow. She does not know that I hacked her phone a few days ago and found all the dirty text messages and pictures of her in New Zealand. She has an alternate Twitter and Instagram account where she has a different name, no kids, and is British (she's not). The OM calls her by the fake name. She put that name on her luggage tags and took pictures of it. I have not confronted her again for fear the kids will see her acting crazy again.

When she leaves tomorrow she meets a female friend of hers in New Zealand who is also my friend. She will spend 12 days there and then fly to meet the OM in another big city. I plan to send her an e-mail telling her I know everything a couple days after she gets there and tell her to choose the life she wants. I have lots of support at work but I feel very alone.

I am so scared how she will react to my e-mail. I want to tell her in person but think she will need time alone to decide. I also can't risk the kids being exposed to this again. I want her to come back to me, but don't think she will ever come to terms with what she's done. She has spent all our children's savings to fund her trips. I worry that I may be a single father of 3 starting tomorrow or worse yet in a horrible custody battle. I also fear she is the victim of depression, despair, and undiagnosed mental illness. I think I know what I have to do, but it just hurts so much and I have never been this sad.

Thanks for reading,

GoingCrazyNow posted 2/27/2018 16:09 PM

Oh man, so sorry this happened to you. I would definitely send her that email, it would totally fuck up her trip. Take care of yourself, I honestly don't know how you seem to be handling this the way you are - I was a gddmn wreck for a good while. Be strong for your kids - They NEED A ROCK IN THEIR LIFE, AND YOU ARE IT!

I am a current single father of 3 young kids, together 21 years, so I understand. I am also about to get into a nasty custody battle because my wayward wife is not signing off on full custody- even though she has not contributed squat to their well being the past 7 months; monetarily or emotionally.

Tren0R201 posted 2/27/2018 16:43 PM

Why are you letting her go on a trip when you know the facts? Also, that's a couple of 6 days this/last year, now another 12+ day trip and you guys have got three kids?

I assume you're looking after the kids, now you know you're looking after the kids while she bangs the OM? Come on.

Why the game playing, you're both adults, she's possibly on course to exposing herself to STD's, she's obviously not going to go all the way there, then come back, most likely she'll finish off her trip then come home and face the music.

You know who the OM is, why not talk to him, expose the affair to everybody, confront, if she still goes on the trip, then you divorce her, if the OM still wants to bang her after talking to you ans knowing he's been lied to then that's on him and you still divorce.

You've got three kids, I'll never understand this soft confront game playing stuff.

Time to be the man and time for both of you to start acting like grown adults.

The1stWife posted 2/27/2018 17:40 PM

Once she leaves please get an attorney.

I think you may need it.

Provide your attorney with all the proof you have.

Custody will be a big deal. So will child support.

ChamomileTea posted 2/27/2018 20:18 PM

Here's a thread that I think might be helpful to you...

This was a gentleman in a similar predicament who took decisive action. It's a long thread, but it might give you some ideas of what kind of reception to plan for your WW's return. Shock and awe is a real eye-opener to a WS as you might imagine.

Conversely, you might give some consideration to confronting her before she leaves. It kind of depends on what you're hoping to accomplish. If you're looking to divorce her, then stand aside and let her dig herself a deeper hole while you get your ducks in a row. If you're hoping for reconciliation, be aware that the more damage she piles on, the bigger the hurdles to overcome during the reconciliation process.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:19 PM, February 27th (Tuesday)]

kaygem posted 2/27/2018 20:39 PM

Just curious, why are you letting her go without confronting her? Maybe even on the way to the airport?

Choose the life SHE wants? How about you choose what YOU want! Please read up on the 180. You deserve much better than this. She is an unremorseful cheater.

You don't have much to lose in this case. She is gone from her marriage. No ring, alternate identity, almost flaunting an affair in your face? Why would you want to be with such a person as this? To be honest, she does sound like a horrible person. can she change...absolutely! Is it likely? Hard to say but from your own words it sounds very unlikely.

Tigersrule77 posted 2/28/2018 07:04 AM

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I suspect she probably put the wedding ring back on to placate you. Since she was probably still planning on the trip.

I understand that what you are facing is scary. It is a big change after you have just found out about a huge betrayal. Have faith in yourself. You are accomplished in your career and seem to have things together. When you realized there was a problem in your life, you took steps to correct it. If it comes to D, you will be able to handle it. It is not ideal, but your kids will also be able to handle it, because they have a good father.

As others have stated, you need to decide what YOU want. You should contact an attorney immediately regardless so that you can protect yourself, either way.

One option would be to notify your WW once she is on the plane and let her know that if she doesn't return immediately, you will know she wants a D and you will act appropriately. If that's the case, out her to her family, take some of her stuff to their house and tell her to go there when she returns.

You could tell her at the airport, but then she might decide to stay just to protect herself, and then you lose some time to start things on your timetable.

PlanC posted 2/28/2018 07:47 AM

Thatís a fucking terrible plan.

Take her passport. Cancel the trip.

Or tell her you know and to expect a divorce filing upon her return and use the week to lockdown your data and financial accounts.

Being nice does not work in these situations. What you are doing is guaranteed to make things worse. Weíve all been in similar situations and can help you with what worked for us and what didnít.

[This message edited by PlanC at 7:54 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

CincyKid posted 2/28/2018 08:04 AM

I agree with PlanC. I don't think I could take this passive of an approach. If I know I'm being betrayed then I'm going to speak up right away. If I was going to say nothing then it would be because I had a plan to strike hot and fast once she was out of town. While she was out of the country I'd cut off all access she has to money and would have divorce papers fully ready to go for the minute she got back. If she had purchased the flights on a joint account, I might cancel the return flight.

WilliamM posted 2/28/2018 08:09 AM

I would confront her now. You have the information. This needs to happen before she goes. I would also tell her that if she does go then divorce papers will be waiting on her when she gets back. Definitely talk to a lawyer but also talk to her.

squid posted 2/28/2018 08:23 AM

Definitely tell her now. Shock and awe. Who's paying for her trips?

Mine did the same things - withdrew affection, stopped wearing her rings, blamed me for everything. Did mine change? Nope. She didn't think anything was wrong with her.

Tell her bluntly to decide what she wants now. Tell her that you know and that you're ready to file, but you have to mean it. If she chooses to go on the trip because "she needs some space", let her go. Then get all your ducks in a row and file for D. No way would I put up letting her go on a fuck holiday and wait for her to return to try and reconcile. She's nowhere near a good candidate for R.

Be strong for your kids. She's gone.

Strength to you, dude.

oldtruck posted 2/28/2018 09:06 AM

First: If you can do it get your WW passport
and burn it. WW asks where is it you tell her
you do not know. This way you delayed her
leaving and give the exposure the time needed to
end the affair.

Expose this affair to WW parents, siblings, and
the kids, her closest friends including the one in
NZ. Do this without telling WW.

Once exposure is done then you calmly confront
your WW do not under any circumstance reveal how
you know. Tell her you do not have to prove the
truth to what she knows is true. Also once you
reveal how you found out she will shut down
your ability to gather further intelligence on

Do not do the pick me dance. Tell her it is you
or the OM. She must go NC or more out today.

Crazy how a BH can let his WW go away on a
romantic vacation to have nonstop sex with her
OM. Unbelievable.

AffairofPast posted 2/28/2018 09:54 AM


Sorry you're here, I sure when you both said "I Do", this wasn't what you envisioned to be in your married life.

First, what do you want? To Reconcile (R) or Divorce (D)?

Most will tell you, you don't have to choose which way immediately, but your Married Relationship is at a crossroads right now. If she goes on that trip and stays, she will cause more damage to your M, than you may be able to handle. If your WW becomes truly remorseful, then anything is repairable, but not while she is in an active affair.

Don't confuse remorse with regret, on the surface they can look the same. Remorse is more like OMG what have I done, regret is F' me, I got caught.

Right now she thinks you don't know, once you tell her and she continues, well that sometimes puts the Betrayed Spouse (BS) over the edge.

To state, if you want to try to see if you can "snap her out of it", then shock and awe is your best move.

This may be too late but, if she hasn't left; tell her, DON'T GIVE UP YOUR SOURCES OF INFORMATION.

Remain calm, don't raise your voice, cry in front of her, or beg (Pick-Me Dance). This makes you look weak, and will surely push her away. It makes the OM more desirable.

If she is already on the plane, send the email, let her know she can immediately come back and discuss the Affair and her giving a full accounting of her actions or...

She can go to her parents house to pickup her things, as you will be filing for D (you don't have to complete a D, but having her served is another shock & awe measure. Don't threaten her with D, she has to see it on paper, when she is served. Threats are weak, you have to state actions and carry then out, otherwise she won't take you seriously.

She has to see consequences for her actions.

Before you do anything rash, as in:

Changing the locks on the house.
Destroying personal affects.
Cutting off finances that can leave her stranded in a foreign country.

Talk to a lawyer first. Vindictive actions can hurt you in a Divorce case.

If you have contact for the OM, you could try talking to him. Not all OM/OW are POS's, he may believe he's dating a single women. Finding out she's married with kids may make him back off. Just don't count on it; it depends on if he has a moral code.

The more actions that you take that are strong and decisive, the better you appear.

On the opposite side for your WW (Wayward Wife), don't take her word right now for anything without seeing actions that directly back it up.. Right now her words don't mean anything, such as:

I'm staying in NZ, but I won't see him. LIE
We haven't had Sex. Most likely not True.

If she says she wants to save her marriage, she will need to write a timeline that covers the A, including who supported or helped her.

You will need to polygraph her. This one is big; you can't rebuild a M, without proof that you all that has happened. Even with the truth, you will need to decide if continuing with this person in you life is worth it.

All of this is YOUR decision, she doesn't get to dictate terms or conditions to reconcile.

FWIW, I did R, but D or R is a personal choice, they both come with pro's and con's. You can't have an R without two people working together on and M. I wish you well.

Sharkman posted 2/28/2018 10:10 AM

You need to tell her now.

Games are not good and telling her while she is on the trip is a game. She is playing a game. You are the resonsible father who needs to play life clean and honest.

Michigan posted 2/28/2018 10:28 AM

She has spent all our children's savings to fund her trips. I worry that I may be a single father of 3 starting tomorrow or worse yet in a horrible custody battle.


You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. You provide her with stability and security. If you let her know that she can do anything and not lose you then why would she change? She will be doing you a favor by not divorcing you.

You need to at least put divorce on the table or you are lost.

See a lawyer now. How much custody do you want? Is 50% OK? Most courts donít care if a parent is having an affair but they do care about spending the kidís college fund.

It may kill you but the best thing you can do is tell her that if she wants the OM then she can have him. You just want her to be happy. If you beg her to stay you will be her booby prize and she will not respect you.

If you let her go on the trip this is what I would do: She is going to be with your friend for 12 days. Use that time to get your ducks in a row with a lawyer. On day 12 contact the OM and tell him sheís married with three kids. They will blow up their good time. Wait for her to contact you and tell her that itís fine for her to stay there.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:30 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

BBBD posted 2/28/2018 10:42 AM

Depends on what you want to do, R or D?

If itís R, than do not allow her to go.
If itís D. Let her go. Get a attorney, write up the D papers. Send her an email telling her theyíre waiting on the living room table.

But whatever you do. No pick me dance. No crying in front of her. And no DARVO (google it).

Watch a Jason Bourne Movie or James Bond. Calm, cool, collected. If you do this, youíll be surprised how fast your wife will change her tune.

Btw, was married to DR. She went through Internship, Rez, and Fellowship, while married. Got kicked to the curb as soon as she became an attending.

Remember, show her how strong you are. She deals with alpha males everyday.

[This message edited by BBBD at 10:45 AM, February 28th (Wednesday)]

Western posted 2/28/2018 11:28 AM

First of all, everyone here is offering their opinions. Noone is telling you what to do because we can't tell you what to do. It's not like we are camping out on your front lawn to force you to do something. Everyone here comes from a good place but with different ideas on how you should handle things.

First,so you are driving her to the airport for her to abandon you for 18 years including to have a long fling with OM ? After all she has put you through ?

This is not easy but I feel it needs to be said.

Look, I get that you want her to choose you but what exactly makes her marriage material anymore ? She despises the kids, funded her affairs with money saved for them, she has flagrantly cheated on you through exotic vacations, withheld from you the relationship both sexually and mentally that you deserve and you are pining for her to come back ? She even allowed you to blame yourself for her sadistic actions.

First, you need space and time to execute a plan.

While I would usually agree with those who say to stop her from going on the trip, I feel that getting rid of her is your best option. Even if you blow up this trip, she's still going to cheat or resent you for blowing up her affair, at least for now. Her being removed from your life right now is the best thing. Therefore, you should get her a ride to the airport. Don't do it yourself. Have a ride show up at the last second. Lawyer up, drop her things off at her parents the same day you have her served. Tell her she is no longer marriage material and you want out. Grab anything of value that you can't lose, including documentation and move it to a safe place just in case she comes home and files a false restraining order against you. GRAB WHATEVER EVIDENCE YOU CAN OF THE AFFAIR AND KEEP THAT IN A SEPARATE PLACE so you have evidence when she lies about the story or for court. I doubt in this case she will DV you because she doesn't want the kids anymore. However, if she comes home and DV's you, which it sounds like she's capable of, file one on her and get her out of the house. Then you can move on with your life. Expose the affair long and wide once she leaves.

Look at the thread ChamomileTea pointed you to.

The guy acted decisively and won his situation.

I disagree with those who feel you have time. You are time limited. Early action and decisive action puts control in your hands.

If for some reason she does cartwheels across the pacific and somehow convinces you to give her a second chance, post nup the crap out of her.

anon789 posted 2/28/2018 12:44 PM

Thank you all for the advice. This is indeed the best, worst club. I have had a lawyer for several months. My state just divides everything 50:50 and is no-fault only. I have been advised by my lawyer that there is very little I can do to protect myself

I want to R. As with everybody, Iím sure, the case isnít as simple as it may seem. My wifeís parentís have both died within the past few years. She has been dealing with serious depression and was truly suicidal when our 3rd child was born. I understand that this stuff is not an excuse for her A.

I decided to tell her everything on the way to the airport. Email is indeed a cowardís way out. She denied it all initially but I told her not to bother admitting or denying anything. She then told me she had been suicidal which caused her to go to NZ. She admitted to an ďemotionalĒ affair which I told her was not a real thing. Then she asked me if I wanted her to cancel the trip. I told her it didnít matter what I wanted, and she needed to do what she wanted including the OM. I told her if she saw the OM during her trip we were done. She told me she would cut the trip short and not go to the city where he is and I dropped her off.

Not sure where this will go now, she texted me from the airport asking me to schedule marriage counseling. I do have access to her telephone while she is gone, I could potentially see what she is up to with the OM but not sure I can handle it yet.


Okokok posted 2/28/2018 12:59 PM

Hi anon789, I have some questions, etc.

I want to R.

Ok. Why do you want to do that? What will you need to make this happen? What would your wife need to do to make that a safe and healthy choice for you?

(Note: one thing would be to not get out of that car and get on an airplane.)

She denied it all initially

She admitted to an ďemotionalĒ affair which I told her was not a real thing.

So in a pretty short amount of time, she switched her story. There is more to the story that she still hasn't told you. Besides, she's made all of these secret trips to see him. Do you think she went to New Zealand to hold his hand?

I told her if she saw the OM during her trip we were done.

Are you willing to stand by that? What if you find out that she sees him anyway, but then flies home to you?

She told me she would cut the trip short and not go to the city where he is and I dropped her off.

What's to stop him from coming to her?

she texted me from the airport asking me to schedule marriage counseling.

Schedule marriage counseling when you have an unquestionably remorseful wife giving you 150% of her effort in helping you heal, *if* you've decided that you want to reconcile and the two of you develop a shared understanding of what your goals are and what will be counseling "deal-breakers" should they arise. Do not rely on some counselor you don't know to "save your marriage."

I do have access to her telephone while she is gone, I could potentially see what she is up to with the OM but not sure I can handle it yet.

Yeah? Does she know this? Hope not! This is your only tool at this point, it seems.

Although I guess there is another positive in your story: you now have several days on your own to get as much advice you can get here and to develop a solid plan for yourself.

findingjoy posted 2/28/2018 13:08 PM

Another slightly applicable thread from Turntheothercheek:

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