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Well my post-menopausal, very happy WW has really no libido.

For most all of our marriage (approx 24 yrs), sex was, well, not optimal. She brought from childhood an unhealthy attitude toward sex - the whole toxic shame thing.

Then she had an A in which she was hot and bothered like never in our M.

I want hot sex with a woman who wants it bad. Not interested in getting the happy to oblige sex.

I feel like OM got what I never got prior to A and what biology has taken away after...

Very bummed out.

[This message edited by redhorse at 10:20 PM, March 31st (Saturday)]

Sometimes you just need to make a decision.

She has the capability for sex. Hence, the other man but for you "not so much".

Life is very short why waste it?

Been there! Well, still there, even multiple months after breaking it off with him. :( In my case, WBF didn't just cheat on me while giving me lackluster occasional sex; he cheated while denying me sex outright! Going on 21+ months without sex as a result. The sex drought has continued 2 months post breakup because it's been so long, it's wrecked my already fragile self esteem, creating an evil catch 22 for my sex life. I'm 30 too...so way too young to cease sex forever (isn't 30 supposed to be a woman's sex peak?) but getting a little old to still be totally single and childless. Most women are already married before 30. So I know the feeling: they claim they can't get aroused for us, yet they can for an affair?? Very frustrating.

Redhorse,

This is a triggery subject for me, so I'll try not to project anything here.

I do understand (even though I don't necessarily like it) that sex is a very big deal and the sex in the A is now a huge hurdle to get over. You most likely need her to give you what she gave to OM. You've told her this, I'm assuming? And she fully gets how hurt you are? Ok, then. But, what if she can't feel that passion she felt for a fantasy? (OM was a fantasy guy, not a real guy.) Is it a deal breaker? Would you divorce her?

My contention is that marriage is an extremely complex relationship that involves friendship, familial ties, passion, and romance, just to name a few. And I, along with many experts in the field, believe there is an unrealistic expectation that modern marriage can check all the boxes, meet all the needs. We want perfect marriages. And I believe that many if not most marriages today end because we want our marriages to do it all, to fill all needs and be all things. That is a lot of pressure on a single relationship.

She crushed you and she owes you, of course. But if she has not had extreme passion in the M up until now, I do not see it as likely that she will be able to develop it. In my experience, women don't work this way. But it's what you need to heal, and I get it.

So, if she can't turn it around or turn it on, is it a deal breaker? If so, that is quite possibly what you'll need to do. Unless maybe the other benefits of staying in this marriage can compensate? Do what you need to do to recover, but the baby and the bath water come to mind. Be sure you don't want the baby anymore before you throw it all out.

So very sorry for your hurt.

So, you both have done your work, your wife has seen a dr to rule out any physical reasons and she still has no interest?

I'm sure my husband is bummed that we've had sex once this month.

I've been up since 3 am today, cleaning, doing laundry, taxes, etc because there's not enough time in the day.

The message I get is that my basic needs are less important than his. If I had shit boundaries, I could totally see putting out for someone who could remove me from the drugery that is my life.

But, I don't have poor boundaries. And I don't have magical fairies that take care of my kids, do my work, take care of the house, etc while I'm off having hot sex.

How was it before the menopause though? If she was willing to do all that with the OM she probably thought of him as the prize to be won using sex. Post D-day, how did she ever make you feel that you were a prize to be won?

Did you have hysterical bonding post D-day? How did the affair end? Did the OM drop her or did she make a conscious decision to recommit? If it was the former, I can see why she slowly settled to the reality of picking up what's left and she didn't feel the passion to have a hysterical bonding.

I am not entirely familiar with your story, but if I remember from your earlier posts, your wife had two different affairs, right? Was she remorseful post d-day and has tried to make up for all the damage done? Was sex, ever a part of that compensation? If not, then did you ever communicate that to her? Not just about your sexual needs, but also about the unfairness of it all.

There's nothing you can do now though, with the menopause kicking in and age. She might have to overcompensate in other ways of your choice, if she is willing to do that.

[This message edited by hadji at 6:51 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

I know exactly how you feel.

My wife and I just scheduled her hysterectomy because we think she may have endometriosis.

I can't fault her for that. I can only support her, but it still kills you that they wasted what time they had vigorously with other men!

I'm stuck in a crappy situation and can't say anything about it.

If her cheating wasn't a dealbreaker, then that should be a dealbreaker. You gave her the gift of R, and she is abusing it.

Issue an ultimatum.

^ The trouble with that is you can’t ultimatum her into a libido, which I’m sure you already know.

Shes not going to change. You either live with it or you don't.

Again, it comes down to making a decision or not.

The only one keeping you where you are is you.

What's it take for sex? 30 minutes, an hour? But that's too much?

Not that complex at all.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:46 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Get your WW to see, no tell your WW see must see

a sex therapist (female) to get her through her

sex issues because you will not stick around

accepting the crumbs of what she gave the OM.

She proved she can have wild sex, so she has to

learn to get through her issues to put out or get

out.

3 Things to ensure hot sex:

1. Medical Marijuana

2. A Butt Plug

3. A Bullet Vibrator

If that doesn't work.......try them on her.

Thanks for the responses folks.

It really is a shitty feeling to have. And the problem really is a matter of feelings.

The affair is now 6 years gone. It was long distance where they would get together twice a year. And have phone sex all the time in between. Never have ever gotten that.

Post A there was tons of HB and like i said, I can get happy to oblige sex anytime.

The issue is about desire. People are different. There are all kinds of attitudes about sex.

I think for me, my wife was always hot for sex when there was something to accomplish: Like getting pregnant or winning me or keeping me.

The M is good otherwise.

So now as someone posted above its about priorities, and frankly my feelings which i am trying to work through.

And as someone else also mentioned, there is an unattainable quality to what i want. Unless i go astray myself.

Yesterday, and to a comment above, we had nothing going on except for cleaning the house. And we cleaned the house.

[This message edited by redhorse at 9:43 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

I get this. I have been starved at times in my relationship and she didn't seem to care much how much pain I was in. I never strayed. Not once. It was really, really difficult. I never denied her anything in that department. It was one of those times where she cheated on me. She said I was being cold and heartless. The truth is that I probably was as getting close to her was too painful as I was always rejected. Either way, I didn't cheat, she did.

I think if I could do it all again I would have protested more. She always said 'why do I have to do something I don't want to do?' when all I really needed was some practical 'help'. Didn't need to be full sex. Just some intimacy and a 'hand' or whatever. That is surely not too much to ask of your spouse? I have done that for her many times when I have 'finished' and in that moment all I want is sleep. But I made sure she was satisfied as that is my job.

I think this situation will only get worse and you need to deal with it now. Sorry you are in this place.

I think for me, my wife was always hot for sex when there was something to accomplish: Like getting pregnant or winning me or keeping me.

So are you implying she's stopping trying to win or keep you?

By that metric, if sex is now off the table are you ok with it?

I find it bizarre people go to therapists to "work through" getting their minds around the fact their spouse doesn't want to do something which should be so natural?

Make do with making do? Not a life for me I'm afraid.

WH is the cheater. He has done zero work...My self esteem was worsened because ED happened during A...I thought he wasn't attracted to me...its a lot to forget...during effort sex...Efforts didnt make me happy. Efforts feel bad...I don't know if what I feel is wrong, or justified...But it is what I feel..It has been several years...now his treatiments make him want to change this.....No we cant discuss it...HE gets very angry....its a standoff.We have never R....it makes for difficult situation. And as always, my situation is so very different....but I feel the infidelity emotions....We are staying together for now....due to his illness...what is expected? This seems unreal for me.. I know the testosterone treatments have everyting to do with it...

Is your R a full R? are you agreeing to stay together for a reason? When someone says no to sex, there is usually a reason....learn the real reason...not just a label....and work on that reason...I know how I felt before DDay....I didn't want too....I was sure H was cheating.....and had suspected for awhile...it was the last thing I wanted.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:59 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

^ The trouble with that is you can’t ultimatum her into a libido, which I’m sure you already know.

And what that tells me is that she isn't in love with him. She prefers sex with someone else. But she also prefers her status quo, safe, secure life.

My wife has gone thru menopause, and she's still all over me.

There was another thread on this but I think a lot of people, especially women, use supply of sex as a manipulation tool and make you feel like some kind of pervert if you complain when the supply is cut off.

I certainly think my WW uses sex as a power tool. She may not even realise it, but she totally does. Guilt, shame, the whole range of things she can turn on and off to get what she wants.

Darkness falls is unfortunately right. You can’t force it, but she can make the effort. Obviously you deserve a desirous woman and good sex, especially after she was stupid enough to take it for granted. Now you mention you get happy to oblige sex, and honestly? In real marriages that’s not always a bad thing. In my mind a strong couple understand that sometimes desires are mismatched for a bunch of reasons... not necessarily attraction. Sometimes I’m not the in the mood... but if the GF gets going and starts playing with me I certainly am not stupid enough to reject her, and the opposite is true most of the time, unless she’s super busy or deathly ill. She knows what my needs are as a man, and she is happy to oblige. It sounds like that’s what you have, but you despise the fact that she can’t be more proactive or enthusiastic about pursuing you like she did her AP. Totally get it and that’s fair. You need to tell her this. She can fake t until she makes it if she cares. She can see a doctor or therapist. And of st the end of the day, it’s jist because she wants to live a comfortable life and doesn’t really respect or love you, drop her. I promise you there are prettier younger women out there who will knock your socks off. Let her see what she is going to lose. But communicate. If she wants to stay in the marriage, she needs to do right by you, easy as that. Otherwise, she ain’t worth keeping around my friend.

I don’t know of any BS that would accept staying in a marriage where they accept being treated second best to the AP, whether sexually or emotionally. And smart WS figure that out in R. Some WS do not figure that out, and then complain that they can’t make progress in R

[This message edited by nicenomore at 11:23 AM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Sometimes I’m not the in the mood...

Before the A, I'd say my W and I had sex about 20% of the time when I wasn't in the mood. After the A, it's probably closer to 80-90% (I'm not really in the mood, but I'll either come on to her or vice versa and we have sex).

If I went with "I'm only doing it when I'm in the mood", we would have divorced shortly after D-Day. I think this is some of the worst possible advice that can be given (only have sex if you feel like it) to either sex; especially after an A. You're not gonna feel like it (either BH or BW). Do it anyway (if R is your goal), because, at least for me, not having sex is a sure fire way to push me away from the relationship.

Why don't I feel like it if it's so important? The standard list of reasons, other things to do, mind movies, not the right time of day, I haven't had a shower, etc, etc, etc. I do it anyway.

And yes, the low sex partner in a marriage (usually the woman, but not always) quickly figures out that it's a tool of control and a way to get what he/she wants. It's sad, but I don't see any way around it, whoever cares less has the most power, simply the way it is.