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No libido WW

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Darkness Falls posted 4/1/2018 12:05 PM

My wife has gone thru menopause, and she's still all over me.

People are different. I’m not anywhere near menopause yet but I have no libido due to MS. It doesn’t mean I’m not in love with my husband. It simply means I have no libido. And all the ultimatums or happy-to-oblige sex or whatever in the world isn’t going to change that.

Just musing from someone who can empathize with redhorse’s and his wife’s situation.

redhorse posted 4/1/2018 12:14 PM

^Thank you DF.

I would say my wife is in love with me. Prob more than ever.

But she just doesn't 'want it'. She would rather play house or deal with kids than get a good pounding. However you want to say it.

I think deep in her wiring she learned that sexual desire/lust was bad on its face, and thus it only came out in the A, where it cool be 'safely' explored. The whole Madonna complex thingy.

redhorse posted 4/1/2018 12:18 PM

In fact i think my WW is happier than she's ever been.

TXtransplant posted 4/1/2018 12:38 PM

I am in the same situation except my WH has a me libido even though he takes testosterone injections weekly.

I had a hysterectomy 25 years ago and have taken hormone replacement since then. I have no libido problem at all. In fact, it is rather high. I will add that making sure thyroid and adrenals are working and supplementing if needed for those also helps a lot.

My WH should not physically have any reason for such a low libido. We had every test ran that could be ran by our doctor. It can only be something going on in his head, or maybe I just don’t do it for him anymore. I also get the married duty sex. But I want passion. I want to know he desires me. I can’t remember the last time I felt that.

I actually caught him watching porn before we were going to have sex one day. I blew up about it, and he told me he doesn’t have a libido so watching a little bit of porn will help raise his libido so he can have sex with me. That is just what any wife wants to hear. So now I am convinced it is just me. I am his friend, mother, roommate, everything but a passionate sexual partner. I don’t see this changing.

It sounds like you have something similar going on with your wife. I hope it gets better for you, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Rideitout posted 4/1/2018 12:56 PM

I am in the same situation except my WH has a me libido even though he takes testosterone injections weekly.

Total TJ, but what's his free/total T level and E2 level. A guy with no libido who's T and E levels are in check is bordering on "not possible". I'm sure there are some, but in every case I've ever seen, this is a hormonal problem. If I had to guess, his E2 is way too high, especially if he's on T shots and not taking anti-estrogen drugs.

For the majority of men, this is fixable. The hormone imbalances can totally destroy the male sex drive; but that's an easy thing to fix, thankfully. If his levels are in line, and he's still not showing any desire, then I'd look to porn addiction or some other way he's "getting it done".

GoldenR posted 4/1/2018 13:00 PM

In fact i think my WW is happier than she's ever been.

She feels no desire for you, yet she's the happiest she's ever been? I don't get it.

No spin in the world can make this ok, ESPECIALLY after you reconciled with her.

Fenderguy posted 4/1/2018 13:39 PM

My WW has lost all of her libido at the ripe old age of 34. She's more than happy to allow me to have sex with her 2-3 times a week. In fact, she initiates this regularly. Usually just doggystyle, with no foreplay or oral. She hasn't let me give her oral in maybe 7 years, since before th kids were born. OM gave her oral, but only because he just kind of went for it without asking. Whatever.

We actually get along very well. Were sex taken out of the equation, I'd say we're 100% R. The LL partner calls all the shots, it's true. There's probably nothing I can do about it. Fact is, the only way I will ever have a mutually satisfactory sex life is if it's with somebody else. I absolutely WILL NOT lower myself to be a cheater, and my desire to not get D outweighs my desire for sex. So for now, duty sex is my only option. It sucks, but kinda stuck with it for the moment.

Not trying to TJ, just trying to offer perspective through experience.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 1:41 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Rideitout posted 4/1/2018 15:38 PM

I absolutely WILL NOT lower myself to be a cheater, and my desire to not get D outweighs my desire for sex. So for now, duty sex is my only option. It sucks, but kinda stuck with it for the moment.

I've heard exactly the same thing said by most of my friends at one point or another in their relationships. It's sad, terrifying in some ways, and just painful/sad in others. I mean, not to sound crude, but sex is the most wonderful feeling the human body can experience, and it's the only thing that's pledged at marriage to be exclusive to husband/wife. I just can't imagine "giving that up"; might as well give up breathing or sunshine or happiness; it's got very similar standing in my eyes.

And, sadly, most of my friends who "gave it up" didn't actually give up sex, they gave up sex with their wives. Hence, the ready supply of men willing to trade words for sex with another woman. I'm not placing blame here, for all I know, these guys never satisified their wives sexually and are boars at home; I have no idea, nor do I think I'd ever get a straight answer. But I do know that this is more common than not in my circle of friends, and I think; given the general articles and comedic routines around this, it's more common than not in married relationships. The female posters here who are different, who pursued their husbands for sex (and then they still had an A) make my head hurt; I know they aren't lying, and I just think to myself; what the hell were their husbands thinking? Do they not know how rare that is? Because I've done my share of dating, and I DO know how rare it is, and I appreciate how much better it makes me feel in a relationship to be with someone who wants to, and does, sleep with me often. My heart aches for these women because; honestly, when a man cheats and has a relationship like that with his W, it comes down to "he's never going to be happy"; at least in my eyes. I know men who have had or are in A's, and, while they could be lying, it always comes down to this issue; no passion or no sex at all. Which, let's be clear, could be ENTIRELY their fault, but that's still the primary complaint, no matter who's fault it is. What the heck do the men who are married to the women who are pursing them say when caught? I'm sure they have some wonderful crap ready to spew, but, I'm not sure what the heck I'd believe other than "I'm a pig and can never get enough" or, alternately, "I'm just damaged goods".

IDK, I'm sexually motivated with women, always have been, probably always will be. As I read more, I think that I may be different than other men, but I know I'm not alone, because I know other people who, at least on the surface, express the same things as I do about their sexual lives.

It's so sad that this single issue causes men and women so much pain. If you believe in God, it's written that sex is a gift for us to share with our husband/wife. A lot of days I wake up and think it's a curse; a curse because of how much pain it caused me before the A, and now, even worse, the pain it causes me thinking about the sex my WW was happy to give the OM. I can see why there is a growing number of people who are just "signing off" sex, in a lot of ways, it's just not worth the pain/heartache and problems that come with it.

Sorry, in a bit of a dour mood, please take what's useful and leave the rest. And note, I'm not blaming "frigid women" here, I know this issue cuts both ways, it's just so hard for me to fathom the reverse situation because, of course, being high drive, I've never seen it (where I was the one turning a woman down for sex).

TXtransplant posted 4/1/2018 15:59 PM

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by TXtransplant at 4:08 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

TXtransplant posted 4/1/2018 15:59 PM

To Rideitout - I am sorry but I could not figure out how to copy and paste.

To answer your question - my WH does take a pill to lower his estrogen level. His T is in the mid range with the weekly shots. He gets the free T checked as well and it is normal. So physically he his fine to perform. And as for porn - I did find that he watched it some but not an extensive amount when I was doing my investigative work after Dday. I have it blocked on everything now.

I think he has a problem mentally or a problem performing with me. He didnt have the problem before Dday though. But I have still always had a higher drive than he has even before Dday. I would love to go at it twice a day but that has never been possible with him. I am lucky to get it every 10 days or so, and then it is only for about 5 minutes.

Rideitout posted 4/1/2018 16:25 PM

Wow, that's really surprising. I'd love to know his free/total/e2 levels, not saying that they are the cause, sounds like they aren't, but there are a lot of docs that seem to mess this up, there's a HUGE range of "normal" on all of those, I can have my numbers totally "normal" and have no sex drive at all. Simply put, there's a big difference between normal and optimal. Sounds like he has a good TRT doc who's helping him, so after your response, I'm beginning to doubt this is the problem (although, for others reading, this is usually the problem, the same person can have no sex drive and then, with their hormones adjusted, can have sex 10X a day and still think about it; I know, because I am that person, and I know a lot of other people who've had a similar experience with TRT).

If you don't mind sharing the actual numbers, I'll give you my take on them; I look at a lot of TRT tests, including my own, and while not my profession, I can at least give you my personal experience and what I've heard from others who are doing it.

Poppy704 posted 4/1/2018 16:34 PM

The effects of menopause are biological, she cannot control that she is no longer fertile and that her body is different now that she has undergone massive hormonal changes. Even “good”, faithful wives no longer feel the same desire or urgency after menopause. Six years out, is this really a deal breaker for you to acknowledge the reality of the female life cycle?

TXtransplant posted 4/1/2018 16:38 PM

To Rideitout. His doctor specializes in hormone stuff. He is very much in demand and people fly from all over the country to see him. I started seeing him when he first started practicing when I lived in San Diego and continued to fly out there after I moved. He knows what he is doing and he believes it is mental, especially after I told him about what my WH had been up to.

I also said a lot of really horrible but true things to him after Dday. Sometimes I wonder if that is stuck in his head like all the stuff I read that he wrote to his ex gfs is stuck in my head. I also think that the fact that he was doing things behind my back all that time really turned him on. I found out he was like that with his first wife also. He is just messed up in the head.

Rideitout posted 4/1/2018 16:48 PM

He is just messed up in the head.

Sadly, this is probably the answer. With his levels dialed in, he has a sex drive, it's like someone drinking 20 shots and telling you "he's fine"; it's pharmacological, you, me, everyone else is drunk after 20 shots. Some people can act sober, but they are still very much drunk. Same thing with hormones, he has a sex drive, he's just controlling it, or, as you said, he's messed up in the head and can't express his drive to you (or maybe anyone), even though it's very much there.

I'm sorry; wish there was a better answer. Almost every time this comes up the answer is "hormones"; but, in your case, you seem to have found the 1 out of many case where there's something else going on. It sucks, I know, because I deal with the same thing (low drive WW who was a sex fiend during the A). For women, the fix isn't as clear, unfortunately, but I know your pain, and I wish you the best in trying to get to the bottom of it.

Fenderguy posted 4/1/2018 16:58 PM

If my wife has no sex drive now at 34, I really hate to see what it'll be like after menopause. Oh boy...

There are stories like this all over the internet. There doesn't really seem to be a fix for it. There's always the crowd that says "maybe you don't do it right!" You can't do foreplay right or wrong if your wife won't let you do it at all! I honestly wish I could make sex more about her pleasure than my own. Having sex just for my own orgasm is a pretty empty, shallow feeling. Before kids, in her early/mid 20s, she had a higher sex drive than me. She wore me out!!

I've actually made my peace with the fact that this is just the way it is for now. I have a beautiful wife who allows, and even encourages, me to basically masturbate with her vagina a couple times a week. Her feeling is that she's meeting my sexual needs. But I really miss the passion, the connection, and not having a million stop signs to navigate through as I try to make love to my wife.

I also truly believe my wife is more in love with me than ever. I think if I could just stop wanting sex, we'd have the perfect marriage for her. Likewise, if we could just start having more passionate sex, we'd have the perfect marriage for me. For now, we meet in the middle.

nicenomore posted 4/1/2018 16:59 PM

Poppy- I’d venture to say it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if somebody other guy didn’t get the good stuff... in a way I think this is more prevalent a male phenomenon than a female one, although certainly not exclusively. I speak for myself, but likely many other BHs that felt the need to reclaim, and this is the epitome of it. Menopause? Hey if you didn’t reward a competitor of mine with better sex I would accept it... now, you better fake it till you make it honey... biology won’t be an excuse I’d tolerate, I’d just find someone better... that’s probably a WS consequence that hurts WW more than WH, but it’s real.

OrdinaryDude posted 4/1/2018 17:24 PM

The “win me or keep me” comment really resonated with me.

My fWW had often complained that she didn’t get enough physical attention from me, all while I was working up to three jobs so she could be a SAHM, and used that as excuses for her As.

Things are good even after HB and her return to the full time workforce, but she still must keep the “win me or keep me” thing going or she may indeed lose me.

Fair or not I don’t care, she fucked up and she has to prove every day that I should stay...she doesn’t get a break anymore, not after her bullshit.

Darkness Falls posted 4/1/2018 17:37 PM

... biology won’t be an excuse I’d tolerate, I’d just find someone better...

My H is welcome to find better.

His “better” will also eventually age. (Or maybe, as in my case, get an incurable disease.) But he’s welcome to enjoy “better” for awhile.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 5:38 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

Rideitout posted 4/1/2018 17:41 PM

I think if I could just stop wanting sex, we'd have the perfect marriage for her.

Not that I encourage this; but, you can. There are lots of things out there that will completely remove your sex drive while you take them. Most of them are also kind of good for you because they kill off any of the "male" hormone dependent cancer cells.

It's a surreal feeling to have no sex drive, I'll say that. The world is much clearer, but it's also very "flat". Without a sex drive, most things become "meh", if that makes any sense?

Menopause? Hey if you didn’t reward a competitor of mine with better sex I would accept it... now, you better fake it till you make it honey... biology won’t be an excuse I’d tolerate, I’d just find someone better...

Sad to say, but I feel the same. Before the A, while I hated it, I knew what I was in for (regarding her sex drive) and accepted it for what it was. That's over now; I dealt with this for most of my adult life; it's going to be better now, or we are going to be over.

Is it harsh? I suppose some could see it that way. But then I think, if this was a "consequence" of an A universally, I'd have one tomorrow to get it. If the worst thing that happens from an A is a more passionate/free/open sexual relationship; while I have no desire to have an A, goddarn right I'd go and find an AP, because that "consequence" sounds like a dream to me.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 5:46 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

pureheartkit posted 4/1/2018 18:10 PM

What I didn't see anyone mention so far is that sometimes it might be this situation-

Before menopause sometimes the brain gets hard of hearing in the estrogen department. The body makes so much more just to get the brain to see a proper level. The sensor is just malfunctioning. I know three ladies who had huge libido boosts after 35.

After menopause estrogen levels drop dramatically. Other uncomfortable symptoms happen too making us feel like the body we always knew and trusted we hardly know. women over 35 are also maturing in personality or changing how they look at life. Maybe the first real thoughts of I am starting to look older are happening. Seems like a real fragile place to be for falling for ego kibbles especially if maybe she always wanted to experience something but for some reason never did. Maybe it was just that person who allowed her to let herself....that's for her to explain.

She's not going to be passionate with you unless she is mentally there and her body is fine with it. She could get her tests and see if anything's drastically lacking but I doubt she will ever be so passionate with you unless you can inspire her to give herself that way. Is she really having fun with you or are you having fun and she just goes along to be sociable?

Stress just eatsaway women's desire and the ability to make the chemicals that make it all happen. Stressed out or tired women arent going to feel passionate. Can you find something to get those endorphins going? Does she feel taken for granted? Just guessing around here. If she feels bad about something and can't get it resolved maybe that could be a big factor.

If you feel she never had great passion for you, menopause isn't going to help at all. The ladies I know who sailed through it are very fit and already had great relationships where sex was great. You can replace the chemicals but the emotional part has to be there or it's still problematic. You can't make yourself desire anyone. You do or you don't.

[This message edited by pureheartkit at 6:11 PM, April 1st (Sunday)]

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