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No libido WW

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Root posted 4/4/2018 09:27 AM

I get scared sometimes that if I get well enough and heal enough, does this mean I'll lose my libido?

Silver your story resonates with me. Like you I came out of sexual abuse with an over the top libido. My BH made fun of me for it. I wanted sex as much as he'd give it to me which sadly wasn't much. His comment to me "just because I don't chase you around the bed doesn't mean I don't love you". I figure there is something wrong with me because I pick men who didn't like my high drive.

I'd been in IC for 10 years when I lost my libido (I was 43 at the time). I wasn't sure if it was because I got healthy or because of peri menopause.....or it was because that's when I started my EA. See sex was a way for me to connect superficially. With my online EA I got to connect WITHOUT sex which lessened my need for sex.

Bottom line is yes I have been made fun of for having a high sex drive by my husband and a few ex's said things like "all you care about is sex" Ugh.

[This message edited by Root at 9:38 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

nicenomore posted 4/4/2018 09:28 AM

Jimmy- Iíd bet my bottom dollar itís the nice guy/bad boy complex. And I donít know your moral stance on this, but don bet the less you respect her and treat her well, the more independent and Self serving you act, the more she would desire you... itís sad but pretty common. I learned at a young age that some women need a guy who doesnít care ever for them or respect them. Maybe born out of FOO issues, but true nonetheless. Somehow it elevates your value to them as a man, because you donít value them as much as yourself. Of course, I didnít want to live maybe life being a perpetual asshole, but in the case of an unremorseful WW who doesnít respect you, Iím not so sure thatís true for me... to each their own. The single BIGGEST driver of attraction and submission to me from my exW was knowing that I could and would, have other women, and she couldnít stop me. Fucked up huh?

And dragon heart- whether the sweet nothings, and convos were BS or not, are irrelevant to me, because real or not to each other, they sure are real to the BS. And frankly Iím starting to see that there is nothing a WS can do to make up for being such a POS, and in my case, no reason to stay with a WS who disrespected me. Honestly? As bad as I feel for her misery, I canít deny that I take some satisfaction in knowing she is still utterly devastated by what she did, and where I am now. Knowing that sheís come crawling back tomorrow is somehow refreshing, but Iíd never take her back. And if I were to be the one pleading and begging her to come back, Iím not so sure sheíd be as desperate. Thatís why the pick me dance doesnít work. Gotta command respect by respecting yourself and your wants.

Divorcing her was the single smartest thing I ever did. Sure I have scars, but I live a pretty happy and fulfilled life now. To the poster who asked about feeing pressured to stay, Iíd say as a man, it was the opposite. My friends told me she was trash, told me to leave the cheating whore, find a new woman, etc etc. I surmise the ramifications of being wayward are more shameful for women generally than men. But the biggest driver to try and fix the marriage came from within. I did sill love her even tho I hated her at the same time, and I didnít want to scrub he Home I had invested in us. But we didnít have kids, were young, and relatively untethered by obligations and finances. I think, if we had kids, I might have seriously considered R. But itís would have been messy considering how I responded to her cheating... idk shit sandwich all around

[This message edited by nicenomore at 9:35 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/4/2018 09:28 AM

Knew not knows. The A changed that, and now I'm getting laid like tile. (sorry, we need some humor here). But is that really what it takes?

I was replying to Jimmy...that was his quote, right?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:30 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/4/2018 09:32 AM

As bad as I feel for her misery...

I revel in my XWW's misery. I really do. She's still a horrible person and a horrible mother.

DragnHeart posted 4/4/2018 09:34 AM

Is it just a cognitive disconnect? And if so, why does it "disappear" with the AP?

Wouldn't this have to do with the compartmentalization thing that wayward a do?

I never used to think that there was a real physical change in the brain during an A but I'm starting to wonder. That high feeling. Not as an excuse of course but a way to see how it's possible for a person to appear to completely change while in the A then go back to being someone different when the A ends.

I wrote about being called a "ginger midget" in OT. Ya not funny. Even though it's kinda true...wH mentioned that one of the guys who he works with who had been vocal in wanting to bang me (all talk of course) saying he was curious about sex with me and how it works with me being so short...AND how he'd still love to bang me. Hate to say it but for a moment it was nice to think that another guy would wonder what it's like to be with ME...That momentary high of excitement at the thought of another guy thinking about me. Ya I'd never do that just because I know better and have morals but I told WH that it feel good even for just a moment. He actually chuckled and said that he knew I wouldn't stoop to that level.

Now if I had no morals or wanted ego kibbles because I felt my self worth was based on male acceptance I may find myself looking for more of that momentary high. So maybe it is a physical change in the brain that puts a wayward into a fog long enough to become a person no one would recognize?

Of course that's no comfort to a bs. The A still happened right.

Rideitout posted 4/4/2018 09:37 AM

My god, what is wrong with this man? I was basically a manogamous whore. Reading this thread absolutely makes me furious. I so very much picked the wrong guy.

Reading your replies make me furious/sad. Here's the thing, I've dated a lot of women who were sexual dynamos in the beginning, but they were doing that to "show off", it slowed down significantly, their drive was very similar to my W's (although she was on the low end of "normal" from those I dated, even in the beginning). So, my experience told me "stop looking, what your searching for doesn't exist". A lot of women would say "they loved sex" but they only said that because they wanted the relationship.

But you Dee, you have no reason to lie to me or anyone else here; which makes me terribly sad, because what I gave up looking for.. It does actually exist. And maybe I even dated her and didn't recognize it, because, in my experience, all women "are totally into sex!!" in the beginning, so it's near impossible to tell who's lying (most of them, from what I've experienced) and who isn't (you, and other women I'm sure, I just never stayed around long enough to find out).

And OH SO MAD about your H. Listen, other guys will support me on this, but "no sex" is by far, without question, the most common complaint men have in their marriage. It's always a topic of discussion when men get together and talk intimately about their relationship. If I could tell you how many times I've seen that look of pain on a man's face.. It's ridiculous. And here you are, your H is the lucky guy who found the woman who really enjoys and wants to have a really hot sexual relationship and what does he do? Cheats on you! What the f**k is the matter with him?!?

I NEVER support waywards, there's never an excuse for what they did. But sometimes I'll read a man's story and I get it, I know why he did it, he was in a sexless relationship, loved his wife, and thought she really didn't care about his sexuality; so he picked up an AP to fill that part of him. NO, it's not right at all, to his W or the AP who he was certainly feeding non-stop bull to keep around, but it's understandable to me. I could see it happening to me, and I just have always hoped I'd be honest and ask for a D or an open relationship if my W really cut off the sex like some of these men have. But your H.. OMG, what the heck is the matter with him? I just can't fathom what his motivation would be, it boggles my mind.

I am so sorry, and please don't let my posts trigger you, I'm speaking of my own experience with a no-drive woman and that colors my experience, sadly, to be blind to women who are in the same situation (as you are).

My god, what an idiot.

Root posted 4/4/2018 09:38 AM

What I should really be asking, to you and other posters here, is: how much sexuality is acceptable in a woman? What marks the difference for you all between a sexual woman (in a healthy and desirable way) and a slut? My gauge is a little broken.

I wonder this too honestly. After my EA my BH shamed me for being sexual. Said things like "sex is only for procreation". What???

I've asked my BH to help me gauge what is an acceptable level of sexuality (to him) but this triggers him so he can't help me. My dad was pimping me out at the age of 17 (while telling me to keep my NUMBER low--asshole) so what do I know about healthy sex.

[This message edited by Root at 9:50 AM, April 4th (Wednesday)]

GoldenR posted 4/4/2018 09:44 AM

What I should really be asking, to you and other posters here, is: how much sexuality is acceptable in a woman? What marks the difference for you all between a sexual woman (in a healthy and desirable way) and a slut? My gauge is a little broken.

I can only speak for far as how much sexuality is acceptable in a woman, my answer is, too much is still not enough.

My wife would have sex with me 5 times a day if we could make the time. Unless one of us is sick or out of town, I know that I'll have very passionate sex at least once a day. And she usually initiates. She rocks my world in every way possible in addition to sexually. I never knew happiness like this existed before her.

nicenomore posted 4/4/2018 09:46 AM

To echo what RIO said, a sexless marriage is JUST as unacceptable for a man as it is for a woman. Bing a bad spouse is just as unnaceptable for a man, as it is a woman. Devastated dee- please know there is nothing wrong with you. You are literally what good faithful and sexual men want for a wife.

The question about how much sexuality is OK for a woman bs being a slut? Well itís not my place to judge a womanís sexual workings. Only the monogamy aspect of it. So my answer would be NOTHING absolutely nothing you do sexually defines you as a slut in My eyes. Who you do it with, does. The only definition of slut I support and accept is a WW OR WH who betrays their committed partner to achieve sexual desires. Thatís a slut. Not to be graphic but you could literally tell me you love sex hourly, in all forms, dirty, public etc etc and id say: nope youíre not a slut. But if you do anything sexual with a person besides the person you committed to, the. The definition of slut wholeheartedly applies.

Root posted 4/4/2018 09:48 AM

It's like someone saying "I hate chocolate" and then eating 4 bars of it and savoring every moment. Is it just a cognitive disconnect?

Sadly I can relate to this and I'm a WW. I enjoy sex.....ALOT but I won't let myself pursue him. My brain shuts down.

I was told men don't want to marry sluts (my father told me this). I was told not to sleep around or I'll be tainted goods (my father told me this). Then I get married and these words are still in my head. Wanting sex = SLUT/tainted goods and I don't want to be a slut/tainted goods so I downplay my sexuality. I'd like to stop doing this but I don't know how and my husband WILL NOT help me. I try to discuss how I feel to get reassurance from him but all I get is shame in return.

Rideitout posted 4/4/2018 09:49 AM

I can only speak for far as how much sexuality is acceptable in a woman, my answer is, too much is still not enough.

Nope, you can speak for me too. However, here we have two women reporting the same thing, husbands shaming their sexuality. This is really eye opening to me, because, I didn't think this existed. These men have issues, IMHO, I know that doesn't help, but it's still mind boggling to me.

Not entirely safe for work below:

Oversharing perhaps, but one of the things that happens every now and then, wife and I will be having sex, she'll have an orgasm or 2, then I'll have an orgasm and she'll say "I'd like to cum again" and use a toy, her hand, or I'll give her oral sex until that happens. And I curse my anatomy, because how mentally turned on that gets me; I don't think I can explain it, it's just overwhelming to see her sexuality like that, raw, and wanting to orgasm again.

GoldenR posted 4/4/2018 09:50 AM guys have some messed up husbands.

I'm sorry, none of you deserve to have the one you love shame you bc you like sex.

Root posted 4/4/2018 10:03 AM

I give my BH credit. He's been seeing a sex therapist for the past year. I found the therapist and gently suggested he give her a shot. She's turned out to be great. My BH has issues with sex (obviously) but my EA brought everything to the forefront. He couldn't ignore the problem anymore (well he could but that's not what he did).

It's too personal to discuss here but there are good reasons my BH is like this. The topic of sex still triggers him so I keep those thoughts to myself. His triggers are getting milder so he is improving. Before a sexualized mac-n-cheese commercial would send him into a rage. Maybe one day we can discuss how I feel but for now that's a no.

DevastatedDee posted 4/4/2018 10:21 AM

My god, what an idiot.

Amen and preach it, RideItOut, lol. It blows my mind too. Thank you.

DevastatedDee posted 4/4/2018 10:30 AM

To echo what RIO said, a sexless marriage is JUST as unacceptable for a man as it is for a woman. Bing a bad spouse is just as unnaceptable for a man, as it is a woman. Devastated dee- please know there is nothing wrong with you. You are literally what good faithful and sexual men want for a wife.

Thank you, nicenomore. I don't doubt that my complaint is more common among men. I've often related quite a bit to the threads by the BHs when it comes to the sex issue.

It sucks to feel like you've offered everything and gotten rejected sexually. I'm not proud to say that I've cherished everytime a man has hit on me since DDay because it helps remind me that I am attractive. It messes with me...if I'm a woman and I'm down for all kinds of sexual fun, what reason other than I'm just not hot would there be for my husband to cheat on me? He says it's nothing to do with me and that he finds me very attractive, but I won't believe that down to my bones unless he shows it.

GoldenR posted 4/4/2018 10:51 AM

I've been asked why I say my XWW is a horrible mother.

Well, here goes one incident:

We have a daughter in her mid 20s. She's a heart patient, was born with congenital heart disease. She's had 5 open heart surgeries as well as dozens of other less invasive procedures done. Last February, she had the most high risk surgery she's ever had. In the past, it's ALWAYS been me staying with her in the hospital. From the time she was born for the first 67 days of her life, throughout her entire life: only me. Bc I shouldn't ask her mom "to do it bc it's hard on her".

This time around, XWW calls me a month before. Says she's going to stay with our daughter, she's taken 2 weeks off. I tell her that's between her and our daughter. Next day, I told my daughter of her mom's intentions and she wasn't real happy about it. I told her that she was grown (she was 24) and she needed to decide who she wants in there with her. She said she wanted me. She said its always been me, and her mom doesn't even know the names of her different heart conditions.

So she calls her mom, and mom talks her into letting her stay. I wasn't booty hurt or was kind of a relief. So I stayed there for the first night, slept in the waiting room, just to make sure she made it "out of the woods". The surgery was on a Wednesday. I went home on Thursday.

XWW calls me on Friday, tells me she can only stay until Wednesday. I told her I'd take over. Then she calls me on Saturday that she has to leave Monday. I told her I'd be there. Then she calls me Sunday and tells me she's leaving right then bc she can't stay there anymore bc she can't sleep good there and it's too uncomfortable. I was frustrated, but why did I expect anything different? So I drive the 2 hr drive and get there shortly before my daughter is going to go to sleep for the night. Right before she falls asleep, she tells me, "Dad, if I wake you up too much tonight, I'm sorry. I'll try not to. But I'm getting bad headaches and sometimes I cry". I was shocked that she'd say this to me, bc I've never cared about sleep or comfort when I'm with her at the hospital. I asked her where this was coming from. She said her mom was getting so mad at her every time she'd wake her up. She would wake her if she was in pain or if she was going to get sick. That's it. And her mom told her to stop being a baby and just take it bc that's part of having surgery. It turned out she was allergic to one of the meds and it was causing level 10 migraines and vomiting. And she'd cry so hard, she would be wailing, and mom couldn't sleep so she got mad at her. It happened the first night I was there, so I sat next to her in her bed and put her head on my chest and held her as she cried. She was getting those migraines every 8 hrs as they'd give her her medicines, and it took several days thru process of elimination to figure out which one was doing it

That's an example of why my XWW sucks as a human being and deserves a life of misery.

DevastatedDee posted 4/4/2018 10:52 AM

Your XWW sucks as a human being and is an absolutely horrible mother. I'll second that.

DragnHeart posted 4/4/2018 11:01 AM


As a mother who couldn't even touch my child because she was so sick after birth my heart is breaking. For you, for your DD. I do know of a woman like that though. She hasn't had anything to really do with her child who is now I think in his teens. He will forever need care and it's been the father who has done it, taken him to appointments, stayed with him in hospital when it was feared he would die.
My Mil lost her last child, died in the womb. After that loss she was no longer mom to wh and his siblings. Evil? Broken? All I know is it's sad prayers for your DD.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/4/2018 13:30 PM

Iím a csa survivor but Iím very opposite of you. I enjoyed sex with the very few I allowed in my world and I had to have an emotional connection.
Otherwise I was just a slut sleeping around because then itís just sex and it reminded me of my abuse. I associated my abuse to being a slut.. thatís what they told me and I was very young.. therefore as I grew up to me sleeping around was sluty so I did everything to not be that person.
That is why I couldnít have even wanted to cheat because sex for me is emotionally tied to my husband. I loved and trusted him.

But I donít want BS to think csa leads to poor choices. My abuse didnít define my morals. I know what is right and wrong and became quite well adjusted growing up in that I knew that they were wrong and I was a child whose innocence was destroyed.

But Iím better and stronger than those weak shits that did that to me. I often wished I could just have sex for the pleasure but it just wasnít right for me. Thatís why my fWH betrayal is so devastating for me and I understand RO anger and frustration. I gave my fWH everything and he threw it away for a F@ck.

antlered posted 4/4/2018 13:42 PM

Golden I totally see my ex in your story. Iíll pass along something that has been said to me: Iím glad you children have You!

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