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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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DevastatedDee posted 7/2/2019 11:50 AM

I'm gonna start listening to those affirmations if they pay, Coco, LOL. Good for you on the yoga teaching! My dad went through prostate cancer surgery a few years ago too. Thankfully they got it all and he's cancer-free. I hope the same for your dad.

Chaos, you just let me know if you'd like me to shoot him for you sometime, lol. Half-joking. Your gorgeous self should be enjoying the good times without this bullshit even as a consideration.

I took my daughter and her best friend to the local zoo this weekend. Her mom is a meth addict, so naturally this girl had never set foot in any kind of zoo. It was the best day, watching her face and seeing her excitement.

Good doggy weekend too. I volunteer for a local humane society shelter and have been working with a big gorgeous German Shepherd who hated and feared everyone when she first got there. I have officially won her over. Happiness and face kisses and lots of cuddling. I worked hard for it too. It breaks my heart to see an abused dog cowering in fear, but it gives me so much joy to see them recover and trust again. Of course, I will probably get mauled to death one day, ha ha.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/2/2019 12:53 PM

I'm gonna start listening to those affirmations if they pay, Coco, LOL

It certainly can't hurt. What have you got to lose? Not even time because you just listen to them while doing other stuff.

Chaos posted 7/2/2019 13:28 PM

DevistatedDee - I just may take you up on that

Or at least let you know where to bring wine when the sharks get him

cocoplus5nuts -I'm glad to know those hangovers don't last forever. But golly are they doozies right now.

I'll try to find some affirmations. I need to infuse positivity in these veins. Looking for shark patterns in the OBX for my upcoming vacation may not be the best hobby

I crochet too. It got me through some dark days. It still does. Repetitive movement, hands busy, imagine stabbing someone with the hook and twisting - check check and check! I make a lot of hats, scarves and blankets. I've been known to take surplus to cold weather shelters and/or hang on those "take if you need" type trees and fences.

gmc94 posted 7/2/2019 15:02 PM

Chaos - I have those hangovers too. Sucks. I am perpetually amazed at how our bodies seem to hold onto that trauma - and will NOT let us forget.

Just an idea for affirmations. I bought the Coda daily meditation book last year - got it on kindle so I can read on my phone. I really get a lot from them. I screen shot them and text them to my DD as well. today's was "In this moment I overcome my fears". Part of it says:

Now, I realize that change is necessary for my growth. I have choices and I take responsibility for my decisions. I love and accept myself and others.... I acknowledge my feelings and deal with my issues. I have the courage to change the things I can. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.

LOL - I looked at tomorrow's and thought you ladies may appreciate:
In this moment, I wonder what happened. What happened to the man I loved? Does he still love books and music? Is he as charming as ever? Does he carry me somewhere in his heart, the way I do him? In this relationship, I felt alive and joyful. But it wasn't meant to last - our individual lives took us elsewhere. The end was painful, filled with grief and tears. Today, I thank my Higher Power for the experience: the joy I felt, the support I got when it ended, the strength to endure the shocking pain, and the hope to mend and go on
Gotta admit I had a few snarky comments when reading it, but I still like the overall message (and what the frack DID happen to that man?)

Hawke posted 7/2/2019 15:47 PM

I finished a big project at work last week - the second biggest of my career. It was a long weekend here in Canada, as we had yesterday off. I spent some time with a friend who just sold her house on Saturday because she is getting divorced after finding out her husband was cheating on her. We hung out in her hot tub for possibly the last time.

Then, I went to a Canada Day barbeque at a friend's place, and ex was there, too, with my kids. It was the first time I was at a party with both my boyfriend and my ex. I have obviously come a long way, as it wasn't too awkward. The ex and I have been co-parenting without too many explosions for the last 6-12 months now, so that was good.

Anyway, I feel pretty drained. I still have to get lots done. I have to catch up on work that was ignored during the final days of the big project. My son's birthday party is on Saturday. And I'm buying him a pet python. That's right, a big snake. Not the pet I would have chosen, but at least they sound fairly easy to look after. Oh, and I want to buy a new car, as mine is getting up there in years (2003) and mileage (~250,000 km).

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/2/2019 16:13 PM

does. Repetitive movement, hands busy, imagine stabbing someone with the hook and twisting - check check and check!

LOL

I make a lot of hats, scarves and blankets. I've been known to take surplus to cold weather shelters and/or hang on those "take if you need" type trees and fences.

I do that, too. I've been making large Afghans recently. I have thought of donating them to nursing homes. But, they are so intricate and take so much work, the idea of giving them away to strangers is difficult.

Chaos posted 7/3/2019 06:51 AM

cocoplus5nuts - I understand you reluctance to give away such works of art. My skill level doesn't allow me to do such complex patterns. And my trauma riddled brain can't function at a level that will let me attempt them yet. [I just actually began reading again - and finished a book - my favorite hobby was ruined post DDay1 - I couldn't concentrate to remember anything I read more than 1 page]. I currently find a peace in the basic repetitive basic patterns that I do use. They are both mindless and cathartic at the same time. I also have about 100 granny squares I need to start compiling into a blanket. That will probably be put in my blanket rack for home use. My teen and friends do love to use them during sleepovers. Something heartwarming about seeing a bunch of them curled up on my living room sofa, chair and floor bundled in blankets that I've made.

Hawke - a python? Yikes! Yet...I find myself thinking - no alibi needed with a big ass snake either

DevastatedDee posted 7/3/2019 07:38 AM

I used to have a 9-foot-long carpet python, Hawke. She was pretty awesome. They're not high maintenance, but the feeding part can be gruesome.

Tallgirl posted 7/3/2019 10:52 AM

I would NEVER sleep with a python in the house. ever. Mind you if I let my WH back, hmmmmmÖ. :)

I was an avid reader - I can't read anymore either - I can't focus like I did. Why is that?

Has anyone figured out how to bring back your ability to focus - even sleep. I haven't felt rested in forever.

Such are the gifts. (and the grumpy pants I wear often).

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/3/2019 12:29 PM

I haven't read a book in years! I don't even have the attention span to watch YouTube videos that are more than a couple minutes long.

I knew I forgot something in my last post! I love snakes! My 12 year old wants a python, but my H won't let him get one. He is afraid of snakes. LOL One day, I will have one.

Hawke posted 7/3/2019 13:04 PM

It's just a ball python, preferably male ("only" about 3 feet long). I have my limits! I heard back from the place that is making the enclosure, and they said it would be about a 4-week wait. I'm OK with that. I also need to get a separate freezer to store the "food", as there are some people who would be upset if it was stored with the people food.

I have no ability to craft. I tried knitting once while I was on bed rest for 4 months. I made about a third of a washcloth. My sister is amazing and can make almost anything (she's also an engineer, and those are probably related skill sets).

I, too, was an avid reader. I find audio books work well for me these days, but my focus has improved over time and I am able to read actual books and am starting to prefer that again. My memory, on the other hand, still worries me.

Edited to remove the word "not" that completely changed the meaning of a sentence!

[This message edited by Hawke at 2:26 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Tallgirl posted 7/3/2019 18:19 PM

Ladies, why are they idiots?

My WH wants our marriage to work. Doesn't want to lose his family, loves me... blah blah.

Tonight we had a MC session that cancelled. (we are on a trial separation.) He knew I didn't have a car. Didn't offer to give me a ride home until I said, I need to arrange a ride home.

He wants to spend time together (not too much) because he decided he would work out tonight rather than spend time with me.

Why I fucking care I don't know. but I am upset. Again. Seriously, he can't have said I don't give a shit in many more ways in the past 10 years, and I still get upset. Maybe I am the idiot.

He did quite kindly ask me to pay some bills, I need $ for this.

I have a real fucking charmer

gmc94 posted 7/3/2019 19:02 PM

((Tallgirl)) Sucks. My WH also SAYS he wants to R.... but heaven forbid he take any initiative or follow through on the agreed upon "non negotiables" from last November. He was supposed to move out this weekend, but looks like it won't be until next.
As soon as I told him I wanted to separate, the expectation cycle wound down quite a bit, but during MC on Monday, I found myself back to some pretty bad rage. The good news is I was able to control it pretty well.

So now I'm supposed to go find new friends.
Anyone have any ideas?

Tallgirl posted 7/3/2019 20:07 PM

Thanks GMC!!!!!

Yep, I have an idea, come up to Canada and we can hang. I think I'm going to drive out east, it's absolutely gorgeous.

I joined a "girls just wanna have fun group" in my city, there are 4 events in July. I'm going to as many as possible.

I also joined an exercise club - they sometimes have outings.

A book club - I know you are an avid reader.

A cooking class?

there are a bunch of meet ups, but I haven't had the nerve to go to one. Lots of hiking /biking ones and all girl ones.

I have a few friends at work that I can go out with occasionally.

And I guess I should volunteer, I'm a volunteer slug.

I've feeling sorry for myself at home, fuck that. I'm done.

Gonna book a trip to the lavender farm and a night out.


[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:10 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/3/2019 21:49 PM

Meetup might be a good place to look for things to do. There are tons of groups for almost any interest, depending on where you live. If there isn't something you like, you can always try setting up your own thing.

Do something you enjoy and you'll probably meet people. I've made a lot of friends at my yoga studio. A group of us tries to meet for coffee once a week. We're meeting tomorrow morning.

Why are they idiots? Because they got the short chromosome? It's missing something. Seriously, though, sounds maybe this guy isn't worth your time. I would be pissed if my H chose to go workout instead of spending the time with me.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/3/2019 21:51 PM

Convinced my friend who is about a year out from divorce from her own disordered asshole ex to go out for dinner! Iím wearing a flowing printed caftan with slides, my glasses, and no makeup. Literally just let my hair down and I could not possibly give less of a fuck.

Proud for pulling myself out of the house!

Cheers to the holiday weekend for those of us in the US! Go out and have some fun ladies, itís got to get better!

Bestthing posted 7/3/2019 22:39 PM

Hi ladies,

So here is where the party is!

Tallgirl, I am sorry your H just couldnít get it together to give you a ride home, sigh! My H pulls stupid shit like that too. The question is no longer whether he loves me or whether he has the right marriage skills; my standards lower to whether he is intelligent or responsible enough to stay with me. A couple of weeks ago, we were in a good mood heading to a music festival. I had a question about the last affair. He answered it and I had to vent a little. Then he asked me when will it stop. I said 2 to 5 years and since he TT me until last August, we are around Year 1. Then he said he cannot take 4 more years of this. I couldnít believe this coward who was basically doing a hit and ride (damage someone but donít want the consequence and choosing to just walk away, while I can never walk away from my feelings!) Just like that, we went from music festival to divorce. The more of these episodes I go through, the more prepared I feel in case one of these decisions actually sticks.

I am turning 50 in August and have decided on a 50 on 50, that is 50 new experiences around the year I turned 50. Tonight I went to a boxing class and the instructor called me ďmomĒ the whole time! I donít care. I had fun. This weekend, I am going to the town where my H met his LTA co conspirator for a year and a half. I am meeting my girlfriends there, both traveling from different countries. These women love me unconditionally and vice versa since we were 12 years old. I cannot imagine better company to dispel the curse of this town. These are my big guns on a big trigger. I havenít been there In years. I am nervous as heck. If my heart is aching just thinking about it, how would I react when I see the park where they held hands or their hotel? I tried to tell my H how I am feeling just now. He didnít seem so interested. I feel like I am going into this town to fight dragons, dragons that he put there, and he is completely nonchalant. Well, i am fighting for me. I have a feeling that by the time I get to Experience 45 out of 50, I would have cured myself of any codependency. I donít need him to fight dragons and I donít need him to enjoy my life.

landclark posted 7/4/2019 17:39 PM

I don't feel past my prime necessarily (I am 45), or feel like the other women are in anyway better, prettier, etc., than me. I honestly don't think they hold a candle to my integrity, wit, etc.

What bothers me is that I can't live up to the fantasy. His first EA which lasted many years setup this illusion of a perfect life he could have with the perfect woman. Sex many times a day, a susie homemaker focused 100% on him at all times, no children, no pets, no household or financial responsibilities, etc., with a seemingly well adjusted, sex crazed woman who was over the moon for him. The reality is that was just fantasy and would have never have been real. She has been in and out of rehab, regular depression medication, regular therapy, doesn't work, ashamed of her own body and looks, has cheated on every relationship she has had including her husband, extremely manipulative, preaches God and monogamy while cheating, and so on. She sure talked a good game though and he bought it, hook, line and sinker.

That fantasy world she created was way prettier than his reality, and I lost him to it, and he chased it for years after she walked. I am honestly tempted to tell him to go try it for 6 months and see how he fairs, and watch him come crawling back on humbled knees.

Tallgirl posted 7/4/2019 18:12 PM

Landclark,

I think the affair is all about making themselves feel great. The APs know this and knock themselves out to make our husbands feel like kings. It is an ego ride of awesomeness. Everything is perfect. No fights. No kids. No chores. No bills. It all feels good - everything. They are important, serviced, idolized.

Until it becomes real. With bills, with chores, with warts and farts. Thatís when the fantasy goes away.

My husband was in love. Passionately. Never mind she was a prostitute. She stroked him until he gave her everything. He couldnít get enough. Until she didnít get what she wanted. A husband. He did not break it off with me. Then it got real. And really ugly. The wife he cheated on forever became good, kind,etc. Not like I changed. His view did.

My WH swears he will never go back. Trust me, it has been suggested. A few times.

She is shit. I often think my WH deserved her. She treated him like garbage at the end. I kinda liked that part.

I find it amazing that they can be so ridiculous.

Tallgirl posted 7/4/2019 18:24 PM

Best thing,

I think my WH doesnít want to deal with my pain. Or that he can. I think he is close to the end of his rope. He kinda becomes the victim these days when he has to face consequences.

I often wonder if he will quit on me. Again. He has quit so many times.

Sometimes I feel hurt and sometimes I donít give a shit. I feel like a yo-yo of anger and hope.

Want him. Hate him.

Very cool with your 50 new things.

And claiming those ďcheatingĒ locales is kind cool. I have been toying with this idea a little. I think I will then come back and shock my idiot with where I have been. Who knows I may even bump into her.

(As she smiles devilishly to herself)

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